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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am exhausted by emotional 'abuse' for want of a better word

137 replies

farnywarny · 08/08/2011 14:24

I haven?t posted here before, but I definitely could do with some support.

I am in a relationship with a man who spends night after night torturing himself over our relationship. He rakes over my past, previous relationships and even the existing relationship with ds?s dad! If I answer the phone in too cheery a tone of voice to my ex, I am a slag and must be cheating. If I refer to ANYTHING in past relationships, I am trying to hurt his feelings. I spend every day anxious and on eggshells, crying in the toilets in work and snappy at home with my ds (a lot ? feel so guilty)

I have told him how this makes me feel and he says we will just have to live with it because he is hurting too?!?!?!?! Wtf!!! I have never cheated or given him any reason to be jealous, yet he rakes over my past trying to make? thinks add up? day after day after day

I don?t know what to do anymore 

OP posts:
Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 16:21

Dignified he has never 'hit' me but he has thrown things, pushed me, pulled me, twisted me, thrown me down, screamed in my face through clenched teeth, smashed my glasses in to my face with a pillow giving me a black eye.....he always maintains that he would never hit me. I was thinking it was ok because thinking about it he hasn't 'hi' me. But all of the above is as bad, isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 16:22

I can't access the link Dignified - what is it??

OP posts:
TheFlyingOnion · 08/08/2011 16:23

I am Shock that you would EVER think your "D"P having "thrown things, pushed me, pulled me, twisted me, thrown me down, screamed in my face through clenched teeth, smashed my glasses in to my face with a pillow giving me a black eye" would EVER be acceptable!!

You posted about emotional abuse, but there is so much more to this isn't there?

LEAVE HIM!! NOW!!

xylophone · 08/08/2011 16:24

I agree with AF, you MUST tell someone else what you're planning, and that you absolutely need their help and physical presence when you do leave. He is an unknown quantity. Plan for the worst case scenario where he gets more violent than throwing plates. Make sure you and your DS will be safe, please.

PeppermintPasty · 08/08/2011 16:24

Bloody Hell, do you need to ask?? He HAS hit you, he's a violent twat.

ChizChizChiz · 08/08/2011 16:26

Yes, all the above is as bad, farny Sad

In fact, in a way it's kind of worse precisely because he can manipulate you into thinking 'but at least he's never actually hit me'.

My x did this. He knelt on my chest and put his hands around my neck to choke me. He tried to push me down a flight of stairs. He flung me across a room so I hit my head on the wall. But he never actually hit me... I got out. You can, too.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 08/08/2011 16:26

There is no invisible line of violence after which it becomes unacceptable - throwing things, pushing, pulling, hurting are all violence and all just as bad as a punch. Possibly worse in that they can do as much or even more physical damage. A flying plate to the face will hurt more than a punch. I know a women who was hit in the face by a piece of broken plate when a young person chucked it at her - several stitches and permanent scarring. A punch wouldn't have done as much damage.

The thing about abusers is that you cannot 'talk to him' and make him see why he is wrong, you can't 'stop putting up with it' and make him stop abusing you. You just can't.

AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 16:26

he has physically abused you

the fact he hasn't done it with a closed fist (yet) is not the issue

ChizChizChiz · 08/08/2011 16:28

Absolutely agree that you MUST have someone with you when you tell him you are leaving. Or, better still, don't tell him at all. Just GO.

AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 16:28

do one thing today

ring your dad, and tell him

Dignified · 08/08/2011 16:29

It is yes . I assume he was deeply sorry but then did it again . What you are describing is the build up to a serious assault , you must take it seriously , he has given himself permission to physically threaten you and ill tell you what happens .

He probaly started off shouting or calling you names , it probably made you very upset. Your probably used to it now so its no longer effective , thats why hes escalated . Things become "normal" very quickly and if being pushed around wont keep you in line then he will escalate it to a punch . A sexual assault is not out of the question either . Is he pestering you for sex yet ?

If he had done any of those things to a person in the street he would have been locked up . But your his partner so its ok in his eyes , he thinks hes got special rights over you . What would you have done had a freind done any of those things to you ?

HerHissyness · 08/08/2011 16:30

Love, they are all lovely... to begin with.

Gradually over time that really, really lovely slips to lovely,

then lovely every so often,

then sometimes,

then I still remember when he was lovely,

then I can't even think straight for worrying what I've done wrong this time.

Get yourself a copy of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It will help.
Know that this is nothing to do with you, it's HIM and HIS inadequacies that drive him to treat you like this.

He is only nice when he has to be, to hook you back in.

Now, many men become abusive when the partner is PG. He is ALREADY angry, controlling and nasty, he has thrown stuff at you, stuff that could have hurt you seriously badly. Imagine what he could and would do to you once you are in a really vulnerable situation like being PG, this could end your life. What about your 6yo, what would happen to him?

Please sit yourself down and see through the players here. He is not the person you agreed to be in a relationship with. That was Dr Jekyll. You currently have Mr Hyde. Detach the 2, Mr Hyde is a stranger, you have no idea what he is capable of, all you know is at best, he is not your friend, at worst he is your ENEMY. Don't let him have any inkling as to your plans, even if you see nice flashes, that's all fake, don't fall for it. Stay focussed, your one objective in life is to get him out of your life.

It comes down to who do you want to save, it's a battle, potentially to the death. Him or YOU? Have no sympathy for him, he has none for you. Expect all the manipulative tricks in the book to be thrown at you, plan for the worst, have escape routes in your mind, have people on stand by, have your DS elsewhere.

I know this is overwhelming, I know this is alien to you, but please trust me. I know I am asking an awful lot of you in a very short period of time, but please do it and we can all talk about it all after he's gone. I know there will be a corner in your mind that says Ah, it's not that bad, surely, we can get through this, all I have to do is not antagonise him, not upset him. But his demands will grow more and more and more each day. This is a battle that you can't ever win. He will never say, Ah that's it, you are perfect, he will never say I was wrong I'm sorry and mean it, he will never, ever be 'normal'

You will go on to see that what is being suggested is in your best interests alone, and with your utmost safety in mind. Anything I have suggested you do, can be un-done. But if he batters you, or worse, these things can't be undone and could endanger your life.

Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 16:31

ChizChizChiz I can't 'go' it is MY house, he moved in with me.

I can't tell my parents either. My mum has cancer and they are already have too much on their plate with other family members being ill and sister having severe borderline personality disorder

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 08/08/2011 16:32

yes, please tell your dad as soon as possible.

please get some help and make sure your dad knows, because he can be there to help you move (or get your P to move out), and he can prevent anything more nasty happening (and phone the police or be a witness)

HerHissyness · 08/08/2011 16:33

Call WA, call your best friend, call anyone. please?

nickelbabe · 08/08/2011 16:33

farny - your family won't mind you telling them - it is in your best interests to tell them.
they care about you as their daughter, and you have to tell them.
you need someone on your side.

Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 16:34

Dignified he made me 'promise' in a jokey way that I would never refuse him sex (at the beginning when we were happy). He uses it against me now though

OP posts:
Jux · 08/08/2011 16:34

Yes you can tell your family. They would be horrified if they found you hadn't told them and would spend forever wondering where they such awful parents that their daughter couldn't tell them this. Families are there for good and bad times. This is a particularly bad time. I am sorry about your mum, your sister and other family members, but your parents - assuming you ahve a good relationship with them - would truly be appalled if you didn't tell them.

ChizChizChiz · 08/08/2011 16:35

Ok, apologies, missed that bit.

So he needs to go, and you need help and protection and support.

Please, at the very least, call WA?

As for not telling your parents, I think they'd be more devastated to find out all this was going on and it'd been kept from them for fear of upsetting them. I understand what you're saying (my mum was also ill when I left x) but really, if you have a good relationship with them you're going to need them, and they will want to know.

PeppermintPasty · 08/08/2011 16:39

If hearing all this from everyone, and pushing against it, is what you have to do to process what is happening then fair enough. But-process it fast, and keep posting on here. We have all told you what we think, a lot of it from personal experience. You are justifying everything, diminishing the things he has done. This is perfectly understandable, but you've got to get beyond this.

If you don't tell friends, or police, or womens' aid, or mum, or dad, then what are you going to do? Sweep it up under the carpet, along with your broken glasses?

HerHissyness · 08/08/2011 16:44

perhaps if you DO tell your parents, helping you get out of this may be a diversion to what is going on in their lives?

Tell them anyway, then say that you know potentially they will not be able to drop everything and help, but that their love and support will be enough, if that is all they can offer.

you need to break the secrecy aspect of this, once it's more common knowledge, his grip on you will automatically loosen.

You feel better and stronger for having told US right? imagine what it's like when RL people are batting for you! Grin

(((HUGS)))

Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 16:44

I think I am finding it hard to accept that it needs to be over. I feel like I need him there, even though he treats me so badly. I am a needy person anyway and have always had issues like this in the past.

When I look at the reasons I split with ds's dad they are so trivial compared to what is happening to me now. I don't know when I changed from being strong and independant to being such a doormat I would stay in this relationship rather than be alone..

OP posts:
Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 16:45

Thanks all for your kind words and support. I am going home shortly and will be back with an update tomorrow

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 08/08/2011 16:47

It happens very slowly, only strong and independent women are usually targeted. This is not about you, it's about him. he targeted you from the outset, as you are warm, friendly, funny, strong, independent, and well liked. Everything that he doesn't feel he is deep down.

THIS MAN COULD KILL YOU! It needs to be over. really!