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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am exhausted by emotional 'abuse' for want of a better word

137 replies

farnywarny · 08/08/2011 14:24

I haven?t posted here before, but I definitely could do with some support.

I am in a relationship with a man who spends night after night torturing himself over our relationship. He rakes over my past, previous relationships and even the existing relationship with ds?s dad! If I answer the phone in too cheery a tone of voice to my ex, I am a slag and must be cheating. If I refer to ANYTHING in past relationships, I am trying to hurt his feelings. I spend every day anxious and on eggshells, crying in the toilets in work and snappy at home with my ds (a lot ? feel so guilty)

I have told him how this makes me feel and he says we will just have to live with it because he is hurting too?!?!?!?! Wtf!!! I have never cheated or given him any reason to be jealous, yet he rakes over my past trying to make? thinks add up? day after day after day

I don?t know what to do anymore 

OP posts:
Original poster
farnywarny · 09/08/2011 10:19

Oh dear.....just had a text saying 'we have got kittens!x' the cat has given birth under the spare bed......

I have rang him to tell him what to do and he is bright and cheerful and saying he loves me!

OP posts:
TheFlyingOnion · 09/08/2011 10:40

for how long is this nice mood going to last though, Farny?

Not forever, evidently...

nickelbabe · 09/08/2011 10:46

think about last night - all nicey-nicey, dinner, cleaning, pudding, then DS in bed and bam argument and tantrum.

cat's just had kittens, he's all nicey-nicey.
what do you think is going to happen when you get home?
(bearing in mind that he knows he's been dumped and is having to leave the house)

it's very dangerous for you right now.
please don't go home alone tonight.

Original poster
farnywarny · 09/08/2011 10:48

No, I know it won't last.
It is only a matter of time before things go wrong again. he talked this morning about geting his own place and trying to live a little more seperately...is he trying to get me to stop him do you think?

OP posts:
TheFlyingOnion · 09/08/2011 10:53

"trying to live a little more separately"

this isn't what you want though Farny, is it? you want him out....

Is he already trying to downplay the split to "just needing a little more space"? If so you might have a struggle to get him to realise that this is it...

babyhammock · 09/08/2011 12:57

Don't go home alone.
He HAS NO INTENTION OF GOING ANYWHERE!!!!!!!

I still think the only way you will get him out is by injunction. Phone womansaid and see what they suggest as the best way to play it.

This nice guy thing is just an act, it isn't real x

Dignified · 09/08/2011 13:30

This sort of thing PROVES he knows hes wrong , its a pattern thats so familiar to many of us . Youll probably have to repeat yourself many times and he,ll no doubt ask you to justify your reasons , resort to the victim act , tantrum , emotionally manipulate you "what about your son " ect . Perhaps read up about these tactics , they are well known and well documented . What sort of person stays where there not wanted ?

These fuckers do not see you as a real person , they are enraged by any attempts to be seperate or for you to have thoughts or feelings of your own . They usually have a pre set role in place for you and when you wont play the role you pay for it . This is why he tells you what you are and what you think , he presumes to know . Think back carefully to all the times hes pushed you around or screamed at you . It didnt happen because you cheated or did something terrible , it happened because you had the nerve to object , or express your own thoughts . How dare you .

Asking you stupid questions about your freind is an attempt to wind you up , dont play . If he really thought you were cheating he would be gone . This is another form of abuse , firing questions at you and making you explain yourself , be aware of it and dont engage him , he is no doubt revelling in his power to make you flip . Be aware he did this on purpose with the intention of upsetting you and spoiling your evening . Love ? I think not .

babyhammock · 09/08/2011 13:42

Yup they certainly know how to play the game and they certainly know what being nice looks like...its just not who they are and so the real side will come out sooner or later.

You are a possesion and, as digified says, there to carry out a role as they see fit (and yes the goal posts change all the time don't you know).

I know that you're not ready to let go yet...
I eventually called the police on my ex and then a few weeks later got an exparte injunction. But I can honestly say that if I hadn't done those steps he would have probably weedled his way back in and I would have been in an even worse situation. They are just so manipulative and its exhausting.

Jux · 12/08/2011 00:40

Farnywarny, are you OK?

Pigglesworth · 13/08/2011 05:39

Yes, I hope you're OK.

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