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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am exhausted by emotional 'abuse' for want of a better word

137 replies

farnywarny · 08/08/2011 14:24

I haven?t posted here before, but I definitely could do with some support.

I am in a relationship with a man who spends night after night torturing himself over our relationship. He rakes over my past, previous relationships and even the existing relationship with ds?s dad! If I answer the phone in too cheery a tone of voice to my ex, I am a slag and must be cheating. If I refer to ANYTHING in past relationships, I am trying to hurt his feelings. I spend every day anxious and on eggshells, crying in the toilets in work and snappy at home with my ds (a lot ? feel so guilty)

I have told him how this makes me feel and he says we will just have to live with it because he is hurting too?!?!?!?! Wtf!!! I have never cheated or given him any reason to be jealous, yet he rakes over my past trying to make? thinks add up? day after day after day

I don?t know what to do anymore 

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 15:34

so this is how it goes

you defend him, then add that he throws plates at you

he say he hasn't cheated, but don't trust him not to anyway

you don't want to listen to any advice do you ?

I really hope some of it is going in, though

nickelbabe · 08/08/2011 15:37

farny, I know (we all know) that this is a huge step for you to take, but the more you post, the worse he sounds.

you have got to get your life back.

btw, if you want to leave, rather than chuck him out, maybe you could have a word with your landlord about any other houses he has available?
then it would be easier, because he knows you.

Original poster

farnywarny · 08/08/2011 15:39

I am happy some of the time, just not very often any more

OP posts:

nickelbabe · 08/08/2011 15:45

that's the biggest thing, isn't it?

You should be happy most of the time.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 08/08/2011 15:46

What would have happened if the plate had hit you? Or smashed and a piece had hit you? Just picture, for one second, your little boy coming in from the garden to find his mother pouring with blood.

Original poster

farnywarny · 08/08/2011 15:47

I know that the plate throwing is unforgivable. From both points of view. And I know I am wring to stay and put ds through future possible violence.

I know I don't want his baby and I know I want to leave him (or rather kick him out) I am just so scared of the fallout that will come after...

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 15:48

get RL help

HerHissyness · 08/08/2011 15:48

I will tell you what I would do if I found myself in your situation; with an abusive man, whose behaviour is escalating rapidly, and was PG with him.

Without a bat of an eyelid I would leave him, I would also go through a termination, regardless of anything. I would NEVER, EVER, EVER want to be connected to a man like that for the rest of my life, I would never wish such a vile, sick and nasty little man on a child as his father.

I got to the middle of the 3rd line of your OP and I wanted to run.

Please don't dither, don't even think twice about it, get the hell away from this man, get your precious son away from this man, as fast as you can. Or you will allow him to create a mini version of himself, and you will watch YOUR DIL go through the hell that is your current life.

My X did the raking through my past, he did a ton more besides, sadly I did have a child with him, and forever have to put up with this shit in my life and in that of my gorgeous son. I just hope X smokes himself into a very early grave.

I made mistakes, but you can learn from them. Sever ALL ties to this man. NOW.

annieversaire · 08/08/2011 15:51

I'll get flamed for this but don't tell him you're pregnant. End the relationship as simply as you are able NOW before he has the chance to guess.

Then get away and refuse any further contact with this guy.
If you decide to keep the baby he will make your lives hell. If you don't, he will make your life hell.

I have been there and the one thing I wished I had done differently was to not tell him I was pregnant. It's not worth the exhaustion and fear you'll go through once he knows you're having/not having his kid. It'll be another reason to torture you.

Please get as much RL support as you can and finish the relationship. Get him out of your life. And don't tell him.

annieversaire · 08/08/2011 15:52

Womens aid have an excellent website and helpline and can help you out of this safely. Please call them. Please.

PeppermintPasty · 08/08/2011 15:55

HH is right. The thing is, you might have a wonderful child, but you will be FOREVER chained to this nutcase. Once again, I call on my poor friend who has 2 DC's with her ex. He was/is a hideous control freak and there is absolutely NOTHING she can do to be rid of him entirely as he is the children's father. She sits and craves his death quite a lot of the time. She has been damaged by this association with him. Her eldest child is currently seeing a counsellor about all the shit they have gone through. She's SIX ffs!!! A tiny little girl, and it will follow her all her bloody life one way or the other. Think about that.

HerHissyness · 08/08/2011 16:01

OK, so you know what you want to do, and all of those decision are the right ones to take tbh.

Kick him out. Get RL help to make sure he goes, if he refuses to go, call the police.

He has no right to stay there, you have every right to be living in peace. Police will be there to help you stay safe.

Speak to Women's Aid, tell them everything and ask for their advice as to houw to safely get him out.

Original poster

farnywarny · 08/08/2011 16:01

Ok, so I am going to go home from work tonight and tell him exactly how I feel, that it is his fault I feel this way and that I am tolerating it no more.

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 08/08/2011 16:03

Know that if you stay with him it will only get worse, and it will get a LOT worse. It will never, ever get any better, you will never ever be happy with him. NEVER.

When your DS is old enough to say Oy, that's my mum, be nice, this twat will start on him. Nip this in the bud now.

Call WA, then call your Dr, and then the Police on the non-emergency number.

You can do this and we are all here for you

Dignified · 08/08/2011 16:05

This is awful Op , and it will get steadily worse . Soon he,ll be hitting you and demanding sex all the time , he will also begin to openly abuse your child , although hes already abusing your child by abusing you .

If youve not come across this before it can be hard to get your head round , others whove experienced it can see the script . Get some real life help and educate yourself about the script and where it eventually leads . In a few years you will be a shadow of your former self .

AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 16:06

please, make sure you have some physical back up before you initiate a conversation like that

I am not saying don't, but not like this

you need help and support

I fear for your physical safety were you to attempt to "put him straight" this way

it's not about putting him straight (that will never succeed, btw) but about planning the safest way for you to exit this toxic relationship

Original poster

farnywarny · 08/08/2011 16:08

See, I have never been in this situation before. And the word 'abuse' is just so scary. When he is lovely he is really really lovely. Thats what will hurt the most. I love him and I do feel like he loves me. He tells me that its only because he loves me/feels he doesn't sdeserve me that he behaves in this way...

OP posts:

ChizChizChiz · 08/08/2011 16:12

'When he is lovely he is really really lovely'.

Of course, because if he was an out-and-out fucker all of the time he'd not have lasted 5 minutes with you, or any woman, would he?

And all this 'it's only because I love you' stuff is just BULLSHIT. It's making it your problem, your responsibility. If you really love someone you make them feel happy, secure, comforted, confident. Not scared, worried, uncertain, confused. A good man doesn't throw plates and reduce his partner to crying in the toilets at work.

AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 16:15

do you know that the "reason" that some male partners use for themselves, after killing their partners and/or children is simply that they "loved them so much" (and couldn't bear to lose them)

am not trying to frightn you, but you need some RL help, seriously

ring your dad, and tell him exactly what has been happening...I bet you haven't told him anything, have you ?

that's not fair, love

TheFlyingOnion · 08/08/2011 16:17

what a twat

OP you are worth so much more than him. You said in one of your earlier posts that when you got together you (and he) thought you were too good for him.

You were both right...

Good luck tonight...

Dignified · 08/08/2011 16:17

Thats bollocks Farny . Theres a certain dynamic that occurs with these abusers , its not about love at all , its about control and power . This man does not love you , he wants to control you . Every single one of these fuckers has some sort of justification for the abuse they inflict on women , ie , their parents were shit , theyre under stress , theyre afraid theyre going to lose you ect ect boo hoo .

He probably claims he cant help it or that you make him do it , i am willing to bet he behaves well in front of others and saves his abuse for when theres no one around to witness it . Has he hit you yet Farny ? It normally starts out with sulking ,ranting , escalates to throwing things , charging at you or pushing you or preventing you leaving the room . Its always your fault .

I think you need a very quick education about these sort of fuckers and what they do , you will find a description of your partner in many books and also all over the web , peraps someone could post some links ?

ChizChizChiz · 08/08/2011 16:17

I know it's scary. It's horrible. I really feel for you and of course it's easy for us to sit here tapping away 'leave, leave, leave'.

But the reality - the rest of your life lived like this, bringing another child into an already-volatile mix, walking on eggshells, not daring to put a foot wrong - that's scarier, surely? There are good men out there. This is not one of them.

The fact that you've not yet told him you're pg speaks volumes, imo.

PeppermintPasty · 08/08/2011 16:17

Look into the future, really look. You DO deserve better. No one deserves this shit that's happening to you now. And it will get worse. Who do you have in real life? What about your Dad? Dig deep, you do need to do something about this, preferably get the hell away from him.

AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 16:18

start with the Women's Aid website

PeppermintPasty · 08/08/2011 16:18

x post with folks

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