After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

Aran, ooh that sounds good to me

..... and cast off....

Just popping in before I catch up on some sleep to wish you well tomorrow Wisey - hope the new job goes well, and it's the start of the good times.

A new chapter.....X

(Thanks to everyone for your supportive messages).

Good luck with the new job.

My good wishes too Wisey!

Thanks all. very nervous, but looking forward to a new adventure!!!!

how did it go?

It went well thanks! Looks like it'll be a good job, one I can make my own in an extended service.

Am shattered though, not used to getting up so early and trucking up the motorway.

Am also gearing myself up for PTM's next visit to get the remainder of his shit stuff from the shed. Have loads of well-rehearsed lines in case he tries to open up communication, they all say the same thing though - no, there's nothing to talk about outside of mediation PTM. I only hope I don't have a Saffy moment after he's gone - that would be v.v. bad news.

Glad today went well Wisey - was thinking of you.

If you do get upset, then just go with it. That's all you can do. I saw Twunt again briefly this weekend, and I was absolutely fine, didn't affect me at all.

Anything to report about LBM? (I'm so nosey)

X

Good to hear the day was good. All these stressed out women starting new jobs, how did the world cope without divorce.... I bet they get twice as much work out of all of us trying to prove ourselves than they do out of Twunts all knackered after shagging OWs!

I also want to hear about LBM if there is any news.....

LBM is phoning tonight. Had a couple of days with no contact which was good.

Thing is, he's much different by text than on the phone and in person!!

His texts are.....relaxed and more....like how how I expected him to be in person iyswim?

But then again, so are mine probably!

Hi... have been away doing family stuff and am catching up with the thread. Congratulations on your first day in your new job. Its a very fitting moment to see you take those steps, cementing your move away from the last few months of upheaval. This job is completely on your terms and by the sound of it, it was meant for you. You are going to blossom, for sure.

And LBM - Mmmmmmm... he sounds very interesting and its great for you to dip your toes into the water of dating. It doesn't matter where it all goes. Its all part of the process of you working out what you DO want.

So you've got the shed stuff ready for him. Its going to be in a lovely state for him to dig through. You wonder if the moment will make him reflect on where his life has ended up. i don't expect for one moment that he would have seen himself in this postion six months ago. He was king of the castle then, now he's and now he's completely exposed and an outcast in his own life.

He's been fast-tracked to Ex-ness.

Hello McNaughty!.

Lovely to have you back, hope you had a nice time.

Well LBM is interesting, just spoke on the phone with him. Kind of arranged to see him in the next couple of weeks, no pressure, but he's got his DS with him for a bit and invited me up to London again "won't be very romantic with a boisterous 7 year old, Wisey". Well good, cause I'm not up for romantic yet really, so don't know if I'll do the meeting of the DS until/unless the chemistry starts to kick in.

Anyway bought a gorgeous dress from Phase Eight for the wedding yesterday and lovely ballet pumps to go with it plus clutch bag - all on the plastic

Sooo sorry I missed wishing you well on your first day at your new job. It sounds like your first day went well so loads of good wishes for the rest of the week!

Sorry but I don?t feel that I have any wise words for you on the PTM and LBM front. I feel I have sort of cheated by making sure I have no contact with TCH, which I can do, because of the no-kids scenario. I cannot imagine how I would feel if I saw him. God just the thought of that hurts. So I don?t think about it. Well, most of the time I don?t. I only hope that PTM's stupid games on the work front don't impact you and DD.

Enjoy your first week. Your clients are very lucky indeed. xx

Actually now I think about it the metaphor of a hugely chaotic and full of shit shed just about sums up PTM!

It's fine that you don't know what to say about meeting PTM on Thurs B&A. I'm managing to do 99.9% no contact which is good and the 0.1% we do have is entirely on my terms. I know it will hurt because the hurt hasn't gone yet. I still have moments when I remember things that mean something different now, but as Annie said upthread these 'oo-er moments' aren't going to disappear overnight after 20 years. Ans thank goodness I have a new job to focus a bit more of my attention on.

As for LBM - something's not right. He's not married, not cheating on anyone, has been honest, no obvious pressure, but something isn't right because I'm a bit uncomfortable - and if I learned nothing else over the last few months it's the consequences of ignoring my instincts when certain things he says resonate with me.It may be my own stuff of course but:

He's stopped going online on the dating site (I haven't, I want to keep my options open)

He seems very keen to move things along (not sexually, but in other ways)

He is always available

Both relationships ended just after the birth of DC's.

Our conversation is almost all about him, and we are talking like we have known each other ages but we don't know each other at all, so it feels like we're skipping a big chunk of stuff.

It's not a problem, after all I can just stop it whenever I want, but these are things I notice and which colour my thinking. What do you think?

Wisey, I don't have any great ideas about your doubts. The only thing I would say is that the (ahem) older I get, the more I am learning to trust my instincts. They are more often than not - right. Experience tells you that the scenario you are looking at can't be that straightforward and you just know that there are big gaps in the reality. Meeting his DS is quite full-on so early on in the relationship. That's quite a responsibility at this stage.

He's still an acquaintance and seems decent enough if perhaps a bit ...dull? No real reason to not be in touch with him, but keep your options open. I'm a big believer in knowing when you've met someone who's right for you. You will have strong feelings for them and not be able to stop those feelings. I know that this may be what you felt for PTM in the beginning and there is nothing wrong with that - you have your beautiful DD - but you are going into new relationships with different expectations... and one of those should be for there to be 'fireworks'.

I met my now DH at your stage and there were fireworks. I ignored it for a further 9 months and then couldn't any more but I still wasn't ready and it was a really hard time. I felt like I was being dragged over a cliff and couldn't stop it. There was far too much going on in my head all in one go and it was really difficult.

My Dh was/is totally worth going through that but I'd say don't put yourself through that uncertainty and pain for anyone/thing less. Trust your instincts and put yourself first. You are no longer in the business of trying to please others all the time.

If it turns out that he is mr fabulous then he will wait around but in the mean time, you primary aim is to have some fun and certainly not to commit to anything more than that. I would be totally up front with him about all this. Be clear as to exactly what he can expect from you, he sounds like he expects too much.

Ah, instincts. Geeze, I don't think I can trust mine I'm afraid. You see I go for the unsuitable beau, an alpha male who is obviously programmed to "spread his seed" so to speak ('scuze the unpalatable term). So for me when I feel the fireworks I need the old "mind over matter" business to kick in, where "matter" is a euphemism for those delicious fireworks; so easier said than done.

You know who I've now decided I want, don't you? Yep, philandering male, who's moving abroad. Bloody typical. Been great friends since business school 11 years ago and now pow!, little miss B&A wants a guranteed heartbreaker. Well, the good news is that he's totally hooked on an unavailable woman so I will play my role and get him over this bump just as he's got me through mine. Proper mind over matter stuff, I can tell you.

I must say I do think it's way too early to meet LBM's little one (with or without your doubts). The last thing he needs is a string of aunties popping up along the way; that would be so confusing. I know it's very early and LBM is probably not the one but have you thought through whether or not you want to be a step-mum to a little one? I adore my two DSDs but I have pretty much decided that I don't want to take on any early teens or under 10s. I took on my two when they were 6 and 8 ( and I totally adore them) but I feel that I've done my young kids bit and all of the sacrifices that that entails. I'd love older step-kids though so that I can be a Grandma within a family unit, which is what I'm mourning. So I am conscious of my need to "screen" potential suitors for kids/desire to have kids etc but is that something you've thought through Wisey? Maybe that's a little too mercernary for you but it feels right for me. You wait, next year I'll be knee-deep in someone else's three-year old triplets .

Migrating's right, LBM sounds like he expects too much. It's almost as though he's pressed fast forward and is six-months into the relationship. I don't understand your comment about both relationships ended just after birth of DCs - is that LBM's relationships? Sorry if I missed a posting up-thread.

As for the conversation being about him, maybe that's just because you're not saying much, because you're in observer mode, taking in all of the info you can to make an informed decision and giving as little as possible away for now. I think that's how I'd be.

As for fireworks, they do sneak up on you. You can be strolling along with a good friend, turn the corner and then, whoosh, catherine wheels are everywhere. That's a nice surprise when that happens.

Wisey Re LBM We all have baggage, but this is different from 'something not quite right'. Your instinct seems to be saying you can't really be bothered with a man with even potential ishoos right now. Couldn't agree more, you've done your bit for a good while.

If you are enjoying it, go out with him, just that. If you feel like you would rather stay home alone and watch TV content in your pjs then you don't have to go out with him just because he is there.

thanks all that's reallly helpful

It's the fireworks that have got me into trouble in the past - for me it can go either way, usually straight to hearbreaksville!

No I don't want to be a step-mum to young children, I've done the being needed in that way. I don't mind the prospect of being a friend to someone else's children I just don't want all the other stuff any more ( I'm making big assumptions here but I hadn't thought of that prospect really).

It's in my hands. I have to have an honest and direct conversation with LBM and who knows I might even be pleasantly surprised.

What about the fit older guy you asked or coffee? He sounded interesting!

Yes, but it came to nothing..........

I'm quickly coming to the conclusion that men my age want a 20yr old to hang on their arm!!!

So I might get really cheeky and start winking at all the young 'uns.......

Will you be in when ptm comes for his shed stuff? Hope it goes quickly if so.