After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

No toyboys, you just need a liamalike!

Yes I'll be there, have already planned to open up the shed beforehand and then go back indoors. Have plans for every eventuality:

He needs to use the loo. Fine, then he goes back outside.

He wants a drink, or DD wants to give him a drink. Fine, he can have drink outside.

He wants to talk. Not fine, except in mediation.

DD wants us to talk. Not fine, have already explained that this won't happen.

He accidentally hurts himself whilst in the shed (not beyond possibility - every time he's been in the shit with me before he has got hurt, or got sick or some such other diversionary manipulation). I'll chuck the first aid box outside and failing that I'll dial 999.

Meanwhile I'll be inside doing my do. .

How awful that you have to anticipate all his horrible wiley attempts to subvert the minimal contact rule!

I might perhaps allow dd to take him for a cuppa in the kitchen if she wants, esp if raining, but stay upstairs or something. Might make it slightly less weird for dd. Or maybe that's too generous!

Bet he wants to talk about stopping mediation / his dire financial straits. To which presume the answer will be as usual! He really should be learning by now.

Maybe you could put a list of local medical services (walk-in centre, Out of hours gp, minor injuries unit or whatever) and cab companies in the kitchen next to first aid box!

Hope seeing him isn't too painful.

If I feel anything like I do today, it'll be fine no matter what happens.
If he has a drink and it's raining, we've got an outside utility room he can stand in - he's not coming over the threshold unless absolutely necessary!

And tbh I'm expecting him to be meek and mild like he was last time especially as he doesn't know who's going to be here and DD will be here trying to police the situation as much as I try and reassure her it's really not needed.

Ah well, such is the stuff of Purple Trouserland.

I am so with you Wisey, my Twunt (sorry to use Saffys name but it just seems so fitting somehow!) keeps on about getting access to stuff from garage & to the computer in the house. Have kept no contact so far but am desperately trying to think how can work round this as he is hoping to gain access with DS when I am at work.
We havent been to mediation - am I ok to keep refusing access so far?
I agree - no drinks,no generosity, think why they're there in the first place - look back at your thread & draw strength (we never forget heh heh heh, evil laugh)

wiseoldowl with the computor stuff I put all his files and folders on a memory stick and chucked it in one of the many bin bags of his shit. Done. If your xtwunt needs access to a pc there's plenty internet cafe's or he could get himself a cheap laptop. He doesn't need yours, does he?

I wouldn't let him have access to the house when you're not there - it's your home and as such he should respect your privacy. TBH if he's trying to get access while you're out, he's probably hoping to have a good old snoop around and I think you're reasonable in preventing that.

This is something you can thrash out in mediation, but really I think you can set the ground rules as the resident parent and the one who is living in the home, although I don't know the circumstances of your break up. PTM just agreed to anything in the beginning because it suited him and now it suits me more!!

Hope it goes quickly and with least contact possible

The best plans and all that. There's a dilemma.

DD has developed another stomach ache. Those of you who've been there right from the start will now by now that every single time without fail that PTM has seen her she has either:

had an accident which needs treatment at A&E
injured herself and needs to go to minor injuries
had stomach upset and has to come home early
has stomach ache and needs to see the gp
has headache and cuts short the visit

etc etc etc.

Now she's got another one, and asked me to text him to tell him she needs to see the doctor tomorrow, when guess what? She's supposed to be spending the day with him before he picks his shit up. She's adamant these aren't connected and I'm not saying they are consciously, but shit, what a set of coincidences. I've explained my reluctance to text him because every time I do he uses it to try and introduce something completely unrelated and I've had enough. So i said i'd make the appt and text him it tomorrow. She said she'd text him herself because she'd rather upset him than me, but I don't want her in the middle.

I am convinced this is what happens when a DC's life is blown apart and one way of 'reuniting' parents is for a DC to develop 'symptoms' which bring the parents together. Shit, I don't know what to do.

this one is out of my league! Is it an attempt to bring you back together or a physical manifestation of her emotional unrest?

If its the latter. she genuinely may not realise she is doing it.

Oh dear .

Is it that she doesn't want to see PTM?

Does she really need to see the doc for a stomachache? (Unless other symptoms, recurring etc). If she's not up to seeing ptm, think (though hard) she should talk to him herself.

Just don't know what could help a dc with emotional/physical pain like this, other than the usual suggestions for general support, counselling, relaxation techniques etc. V hard.

Wisey, am sure you will do /say good things to help, you are so good with her.

thanks wisey - you're right of course, I will hold off for mediation before access to house or any property is taken. stick to my guns! PS I've been told he's having a night away with his OW tonite so not strong!!
As for your DC dilemma, I think if it were me I would make the doc appt, txt the PTM to let him know - & presumably he will be the 1 to have to take her, then just be strong & dont get dragged into any unrelated issues - txt only, stay upstairs when her brings her back. She can tell u what doc says. I agree it is probably psychosymatic (?!) but i think you may just have to humour her & treat it with all seriousness at this time.

Problem solved. We've been up all night me and DD, she's got terrible pain and upset tummy. Seen the gp who isn't worried but I have taken the day off because she doesn't want to go out and I can't leave PTM here in the house with her.

So he's not seeing her today but he is coming to collect his shit. I'm working from home so will try and stay focussed on reading the wodge of papers I've been given to help me get an idea of the context of my new job. Gawd, what a thing for poor DD, but she's reassured she doesn't have anything properly wrong, and I wouldn't have said the gp is necessary it's only to calm her mind. I don't know what PTM is making of all this, my guess is he's thinking the same as me but somehow he'll blame it on me - tough, I'm not bothered. He should be looking closer to his new home for explanations of that sort IMO!

You are marvellous Wisey, you really are. in awe.

You sound really together. And I am sorry for your poor DD. sigh...not easy for the DC at the best of times.

How is the new job going? I am finding mine quite full on but that is fine with me.

Take care.

Another hurdle overcome, well done Wisey. Hope the shite collection goes ok, just play it cool and keep indoors. Large glass of wine to hand I think after a day with the wodge & the PTM.

Ahem. I have an announcement to make. I should like to join the club of proud DM's on this very special day.

DD GOT 16 GCSE'S. 7 A'S, 5 B'S AND 4 C'S!!!!!!!!!

And what's more it was me who was there to collect her results with her looking all pale and wan but me beaming with pride and joy.

Nothing can take away the feeling i have of immense respect and awe of my DD - she is a star of the highest order.
There, I'll be back when I come down to earth sometime in the next week or so.

will be had later

Sixteen???? Sixteen????? Is that humanly possible???

OMG that is fantastic (I heard today that OMG is now an official entry in the dictionary - just in case one of those As is for English ...)

CONGRATULATIONS to DD. CONGRATULATIONS to Wisey because Wisey you held it all together when the shit was tumbling down and you gave DD the right space and the right support to overcome her twatty twunty PTM of a father's actions for her to put in the work to earn those grades. Fucking Fab. (don't tell her that last bit ...). So if you ever question whether you've got it right with DD, just think "16". That speaks volumes.

OK, so are we ready to conspire towards an arranged marriage between Saff's Cambridge undergrad and your brilliant DD? The age gap's just right ...

wow! smart girl! I was just about to post and ask ...all you wimin have really amazing kids!!!

Arf at B&A and Dozer. Thank you. DD asked me if I was going to tell my MNers the news (of course the subtext is you will tell your MNers)

Do you know the wodge of papers I am supposed to be reading today is still sitting on my desk............

But then I have a wedding to plan - DD and Saff's DS, not to mention my own to Liam Neeson (where is he btw).

Yeah, twatty twunty PTM dipped out there, I hope he's spent the morning contemplating how come his DD managed to pull it out of the bag because one thing is for sure - he can't tell himself that it's because he was there for her and he can't in any way validate himself as a DF for this. Poor sad git PTM.

i am so fucking happy! (I think fuck is actually in the english dictionary)

Oh well done to Wisey's DD! Good job, girlie!

Myers have a vair naice hat department here....

But of course you are all invited!!!!!

Now, in anticipation of PTM twatty twunt's visit, I have been thinking about all our communications in the last few months - since I kicked his ass into touch .

All his communications (never mind the content, it's boring now) have been about how things are not going well for him...........all mine, going back the other way have been about how things are going well for me (content by now all known to you). Now I'm not stupid, I know that I'm only hearing what he intends me to hear, and likewise me too.

But - the facts are that he's a shitey shite (to coin drfay's lovely turn of phrase) and when he sees me sashaying about in my pencil skirt, sexy shirt and stilleto's he's going to realise that I'm not sat in my dressing gown with a bottle of gin and a packet of pills. That's how far I've come right up to this day when my lovely DD showed the bloody world what strong women can do even in when they've been shat on.

I'll shut up now until I've had a few wines, then you can expect some rambly miss-spelt sentences which you can ignore.........