After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

Yes, I agree - you need to go to something that is less intense, cinema or gig or even a gallery or something. So that if there are any awkward silences you've got something else to focus on.

So - it might be a slow burner, it might fizzle out into nothing - who cares, it's the opening of a new chapter.

It's post PTM - and that's good.

There's no rule book here - just go with the flow.

And you're watching BB with DD. That's great.

I'm watching Torchwood with YS.

Oh, and in case you haven't caught up, and cos I'm the proudest mum in the universe - ES got into Cambridge - and has just been announced on the school website - highest achieving student ever! A stars .... he got A stars!

And he's out celebrating with his friends and GF, and I'm worried about the state he'll be in when he gets home.

Meanwhile, I'm knitting (as usual) whilst ogling John Barrowman (as usual). So, are you very tall? And do you like browns/autumnal colours or blues....

X

saffy - you must be so proud well done to your DS

wisey - agree you need to go somewhere more low key next time and see what happens. It may be a slow burner

Thank you Simpson.

You sound lovely, and I hope all works out for you, from what we know so far, you're well rid.

thanks

Will fill you in the the boring details when I am not watching BB

Am very glad H gone tbh but although divorce only came through a couple of mths ago (H did everything to delay it) we have lived apart for 2yrs.

But its v hard to know if I am doing the right thing by the DC (5 & 3) sometimes. I have vertually stopped all contact between them and their father, so glad I have found this thread to moan get advice

Dear Wisedup and Saffy desperate to ask you for knitting patterns as I feel I need to get back into that. May be just scarves for DCs for xmas?

I did read in Women Who Love Too Much (that old classic) that it's the bad ones who give us that instant chemistry, sense of excitement/danger thing and one of the things about coming down from adrenaline rush of dealing with heightened emotions is that we have to get used to not feeling quite that intensity. Don't know if that makes sense?
And reading your whole thread makes me wish and hope for warm fuzzy happy feeling. I guess you have no idea how many people on here are cheering and waving pompons at you and saffy?

Thank you Notsorted: scarves are good - and confession time - I've never followed a knitting pattern in my life! My nan taught me how to knit when I was 5 yrs old, and I just do it. I can't play a musical instrument, and am tone deaf (unlike Wisey) yet my YS can hear a piece of music and play it on his guitar and I'm in awe of that. Yet he can't read music at all.

I've read that book too - and yes, I agree to some extent. In my late teens/early twenties I had 2 very intense relationships that just burnt out after a lot of angst and heartbreak. Then me and Twunt started as good friends, slow burner, and I thought because I didn't feel that insane instant chemistry - we were for keeps. How wrong was I!

It is lovely to get so much support on MN, it has really helped me more than I could have hoped for.

thanks all, am taking a break from BB - too much gushing and glitter, and I miss Davina.

Yeah, could be a slow burner. I'll suggest we do something different next time, maybe an evening, excuse to get a few [wines] down the hatch and relax a bit.

He is nice, don't get me wrong, very respectful, not pushy at all. And his nervousness is in part coming from me, I know. So we'll see. I won't see him now for a couple of weeks because I start my job next week and he's going away and i think that's good.

Thank you simpson and notsorted. You are so welcome here, it's good to know other's have gone through it and are surviving (mostly, it has to be said, better than the fuckers who fucked up our lives).

Saff, or should I address you as Ma'am - I am 5'3". Blue eyes and I suit blues and greens but hell, you're the goddess of hippy dippy poncho's so I leave it in your capable hands - you are, after all the DM of a Cambridge Undergraduate Yaaaaayyyyy!!!!!!!!

Wisey, maybe you just aren't ready for all this dating lark yet, maybe all you need right now is a male companion, a friend. Just a thought

Saffy, a massive congratulations to your son, that is amazing, you must be so proud, takes after his mum he does

All this talk of knitting has made me want to get back into it too. I love it as the nights draw in. closing my curtains, getting my PJ's on and settling down, all cosy with the knitting. Might just knit myself a hippy dippy poncho.

I can't stand BB, and I didn't know Davina was no longer hosting it - I like her too.

Yes, it's good that you have an enforced break now - will give you both a chance to reflect and ponder on the future. I think it's nice that he's nervous though - shows respect to his late wife and you - I'd worry more if he was really confident at this stage.

Yes! I am the mum of a soon-to-be Cambridge undergraduate! How scary is that? Guess I'm going to have to start being all sensible and proper! I love Cambridge though - we have close friends living there - it's lovely.

I was so worried about his exams - because he had his very gruelling entrance interview before Christmas - before it all blew up with Twunt, and I knew how important it was, that he got top grades. Sis and I drove him there, and we were so proud that he had an interview...we didn't dare hope he would be offered a conditional place. That was why I was initially prepared to put up with living in hell - it was such a difficult time, because I knew how much was at stake. When he said that he would pass with or with his dad, and that his dad hadn't been there for the last few years, I realised I'd done the right thing. And his darling aunty would be so proud.

Twunt rang one of the girls a little while ago - and asked how DS got on. She told him that he did ok, and that he was in at a Uni but she couldn't remember which one....ha ha.

So....blues,you suit blues ....Cambridge blues, of course

Hey, shouldn't you be on the Baileys' by now?

I knit my rage. My dear friends have many scarves. It has helped my sanity so much. Plus as I have mentioned before, knitting needles can be very sharp and intense pain inflicted on certain people's anatomy is a lovely daydream. Knit stab purl..knit stab purl.

That's a new pattern right there!

Morning all

Wisey - how are you? What are your thoughts about LBM today? Remember to focus on what you are feeling, not what he may possibly be thinking/feeling.

Dont want to hijack the thread Saffy and I'm sure you wouldnt want to either but just wanted to say congratulations re your son. You must be so proud.

Hey Saff.

My thoughts today, .

They are focussed on the theme of chemistry and my relationship to it. With PTM it was how we got in so quickly. As RL friend pointed out, I bought front row tickets to that particular show, and not content with that I also threw my knickers on the stage!!!

With LBM at the moment i'm not sure I feel relaxed, not sure I can be myself, not sure of what I'm looking for, not sure whether I want to see him again. I think that's ok, I don't need to know anything at this stage other than as someone said upthread (it may have been you) I now know that someone outside of those who know me well wants to spend time in my company - being fucked over at 51 doesn't do the old ego any favours does it?

Today I'm doing the old domestic goddess bit before I go armed with and nice bread to RL friend who is supplying cheese and fresh peaches from her garden. Ironically it's a fecking gorgeous day here!!!!!!

What about you Saff? Are there hangovers all round at yours? is your home replete with traffic cones, nicked beer glasses from the pub and bleary-eyed youths?

Feeling a bit teary now though. PTM is coming to get the last of his things next week. Need to go busy myself.

sending good vibes for you, wisey

Notsorted - free knitting patterns (and loads of help and advice) on ravelry.com, or google free knitting patterns. Just be careful that you don't get bogged down by transatlantic patterns. They use slightly different terminology to UK.

Scarf pattern. Get a ball of wool. Look on the ball band to see size of recommended needles. Cast on some stitches, eg the number of stitches that the ball band says will cover 10cm (or maybe half again for a six inch wide scarf) and then knit. Keep knitting until you run out of yarn, just leaving enough to cast off. Gloat over your hand made, unique, personal to you scarf.

(sorry for hijack - should there be a thread started in Arts n Crafts?)

Wisedupwoman - I think you are doing brilliantly.

wisey - keeping busy is the best thing

Get the radio on loud on a cheerful station and have a sing along or else if its sunny sit in the garden etc

Am going away tomorrow so am trying to pack and DC are killing each other not helping

I do like the sound of your RL friend

As you say, it is a huge dent to our self esteem to be dumped. So I think you mustn't underestimate how well you've done to even dip your toe in the dating pool. Thought horrifies me - I'm still licking my wounds, and focussing on home and kids and niece and family and friends, cos that's where I feel safe. Really looking forward to going back to work now, and starting new job. Have realised that the holiday has been good, and I've achieved lots of practical stuff, but I have been prone to dwell on things a bit too much, which I guess is necessary, but there's a happy medium and work is good for me because it forces me to be "in the moment" at all times. I can hardly go into one of my reflective periods (as I do when I'm knitting) when the doctors are barking at me!

Earlier this week I popped over the road for a cuppa with a friend, and told her all about the guitar and boxers and we laughed our socks off. I was still giggling as I crossed the road to go home, and then I saw Twunt's car in the drive; with Twunt and DD in it (she'd arranged for him to run her around her friends whilst I was at friends - I didn't know he'd be there). It caught me by surprise - and she rolled down the window and said "Hi mum" and of course I had to go over to car to see her. And there he was, and he looked, for all his twuntery very good, very smartly dressed (work suit) and tanned (probably from Italy) and those David Tennant eyes met mine and for a split second I melted. I just did the steely straight in the eye glare and turned back to daughter. I felt I handled it ok. I felt ok when I walked back into house. Then I just broke down and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Then I got up, re-did the make-up and forced a smile on my face. But the depth of the feeling - the loss, for that split second hit me like a ton of bricks. I remembered what we'd once had. And I thought what a fucking shame that it's gone, because we could have been so bloody happy.

So I know how you feel - I really do. I wouldn't have Twunt back under any circumstances, but that doesn't mean that everything deep inside ourselves is erased.

The Cambridge Undergrad rolled in at 5.28 a.m. I know the time, because I heard him and his crew singing down the road. Lovely. No traffic cones, but various bodies huddled under sleeping bags in the conservatory and lounge.

I shall give them till 1.00 - then start hoovering. I need to tidy up the house because I've focused on the garden this week and it's a tip. I have bacon and eggs, coffee and alka seltzers at the ready.

Have a nice time with RL.

Surprise, surfeckinprise.

PTM is "in trouble at work". Another indirect communication via very reluctant DS who says PTM is doing his head in.

I knew it. Word has got round and he's fucking panicking, clinging on to the last vestiges of protection he had - my family.

So that's why he wants to talk to me in all likelihood - to tell me he's in the big shit, ergo, I am in the big shit. Thank feck I've landed a better job, that's all I can say

Oh dear PTM. Not unexpected.

Still no reason for him to be contacting you or DS (how inappropriate!), he should save the information for mediation or financial disclosure, unless he's claiming that he can't afford his current payments?

Idiot.

Saffy- your description of your encounter with your ex . Silly man. You have come such a long way since you started posting. Hope the celebrations for ES go well this weekend!

he's been taking the piss at work for a while now, from memory. Looks like its come backe to bite him on his purple bottom.

I expect the 'poor hard done by me' song is well under way

Yes, agree, twuntycocking Lycra Man - Saff you have done so well, but I can see how upsetting that would have been. Letting go of such a torrent of sadness is good though, it's cleansing for the soul and the psyche IMO.

I've been so impressed by how strong and together you are, and I've wondered where you get that courage from (of course you've been through so much more in a short space of time, how can you but come through it with a renewed resilience - that's quite remarkable).

You've had such a week. The lows of LM and the amazing high of ES - you must've felt like you were back on the rollercoaster again. But I sense you're through it, making huge strides and the next step is, like me, a new job on Monday. Well done Saff, hats off to you and yours

Well if he's been claiming sick pay whilst actually doing another job on the side, that's fraud isn't it? or something similar. It's certainly naughty with a capital N.

Not surprised you get sentimental about your ex-twunts sometimes. Just because your exes weren't great - just because a lot of it was down to you and you could almost certainly have had as happy a life with another man if you happened to have met him first - and just because they never deserved you, the twunts - doesn't mean you didn't go through two mainly good decades together and it doesn't just un-happen. It was the right thing to call it a day, you're already doing better without them and will do better yet, but if you didn't feel "ooh-er" every now and then you'd be a cold fish indeed.

Am chortling at drfaywray's "knit stab purl". When I was into knitting I used to enjoy doing Arans. This introduces a jolly element: knit, purl, knit, purl, TWIST

I love the idea of revenge knitting too!