After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

Had RL friend round for dinner last night. DD ate with us. Suddenly she says "D wants to take me to see his parents, I don't want to go on holiday with him, I told him I don't want to go there and he said well I want to take you to see them" (yes these are the GP's who still have not made contact with her except for a birthday card).

She asked me if i think that allowing him to come get her GCSE results and then go for some lunch or see a film is ok, or if she tells him she has too much on, or she isn't very well she can get out of it.

I didn't really know what to say, I just said yes, getting your results and going for lunch or a movie could be nice. I don't go with dishonesty but I can see how hard it is for her. Actually I kind of expected her to want to see a bit more of him now she knows that I'm not mooning about over PTM. but i underestimated how hurt and angry she is in her own right. And of course in paying a large sum of money for her soccer school he has 'bought' the right (in her mind, I think) to spend time with her on his terms. fucker.

I've gone back to no contact again, tbh, although it was necessary to tell him to clear his shit it pisses me off that i had to do it and it colours my otherwise good mood.
Jesus, when does it end?

The brief contact was worth it to get the shed done, and you've ignored the rest of his drivel, so doing OK I reckon!

Poor DD. She has every right to decide how much time she spends with PTM and whether or not to see his parents. Is quite telling that she didn't want to be in a car with him for too long for the football camp.

Maybe you could discuss the issues about the GPs with her as a matter separate from PTM, e.g. pros and cons of seeing or not seeing them, whether she wants a relationship with them. Presume they live far away.

The GCSE-day thing sounds a bit stressful tbh, unless she's 100% sure she's done really well, may be better to keep plans open, and see him a day or two later. She should choose who she'd most like to celebrate or commiserate with. Maybe even some mates?

Would it be hard for you if she saw him that day?

Personally I think it's cheeky of him to want to go for the GCSE results, given that he didn't exactly support her during the exams!

I agree with Dozer, he's got a bit of nerve wanting to get her GCSE results with her next week.

It is difficult. My daughters' are gradually warming a little to their dad, and to be honest I'm quite pleased, because apart from the last few years, he was always a good dad to them. One in particular has only seen him very recently, and then with the others, she doesn't feel she wants to see him on her own, or for very long periods. She has cancelled him at the last minute too - so I'm happy that she's dictating the pace.

He hasn't "bought" her at all, re the soccer school, although I can understand that she feels she "owes" him her time. I would just reinforce that she owes him nothing, she has to dictate the pace and do what she feels comfortable with.

Like my ES said (who's incredibly nervous about his A level results THIS Thursday - the sooner he get's them the better now, he's like a bear with a sore head) "If dad won the Euro lottery and was the only ticket holder, and gave us the lot, he'd still owe us big time".

And that's the thing, I think: men who earn reasonable money, can easily put their hands in their pockets and buy a soccer school, a state-of-the-art mobile - it assuages their guilt; it's the day to day stuff that you can't buy or put a price on. He owes her - not the other way round. Try and gently explain that, and that she's driving this - not you, not him - her: it's about her relationship with her dad. And if she's still angry (like my ES) it will take as long as it takes.

I think its absolutely typical of him. Wants to be around for the easy bit with all the glory!!

Yes he does want the glory not the difficult bits - after all, he's still off sick being a poorly boy - almost 6 months after getting exactly the outcome he wanted.

But it's DD who is suggesting she just spend the day with him rather than go away to see people she doesn't want to see any more. her attitude toward them now is that they badly let her down when she needed them so why should she come running now.

i agree actually. I think it's bloody unforgiveable that they never even sent her a card to say they were thinking of her, not one of them bothered to send a gift for her birthday.

It still even now, makes me go completely cold that such disregard has been shown- by PTM, by them.

But that's why I'm working so hard to rid myself of every vestige of his presence. This time when he comes I will have made absolutely certain that there's nothing left for me to find of his. Hopefully he'll never have to come back to the house again after that.

Now - what do you wear for a second date?

Oooh, second date! In london? Something sexy, but not stilletoes in case walking or longboats involved!

Saffy, really like your ES' line on not feeling beholden. Hope he gets the results he wants - it sounds like he's one of those people who will do well whatever their qualifications because of sheer strength of personality!

And dd too, hope she gets good marks!

She should not feel that she owes him or has to give him - or his parents - what they want, or give the gcse day to ptm as a consolation for not doing the trip. In fact, it's an important lesson for relationships with men in general!

What to wear? Well I can tell you that in London tonight it's chilly, the wind is a-blowing and the gusts are real toupee-lifters. I don't think the weather?s getting better over the next few days either, so make sure you bring a cardi!

Do wear vaguely sensible shoes if you can possibly bear it. There are plenty of cobbles in unexpected places and I have found myself, on many an occasion, hobbling around John Wayne style while trying to look vaguely elegant. If you can?t bear the thought of going without heels then pad up with gel soles!

I am beside myself that you are here on Thursday. That is my final ?move out? from the house so I will not be in town. Otherwise I would have stationed myself by the London Eye on Wisey-spotting duty.

Have a wonderful day and I hope you get tingles a-plenty. I?m on my own hot date tomorrow night and can?t wait! xx

Cheers Dozer, All things which can be crossed for the results, are (except for the eyes, obviously, want to make a good impression for LBM!).

DD still undecided about her D - but not going to see GP's.

Awwww, B&A - I'll be the one at the top of the spire at St Pauls - whereupon I will launch PTM's remaining Tuesday sock attached to a balloon addressed to 'Disgracelands' .

brilliant, just brilliant!

can I join???

Separated from ex H over 2yrs ago but finally got my divorce back in April.

ExH does not really bother with our DCs (5 & 3) he rings them once a wk and I am lucky if he is sober

I did stop all contact for about 9mths over his general fuckwittery (including coming over [from Ireland] spending 3days with kids but totally ignoring them and talking footie scores with who ever will talk to him, then getting so plastered he ended up getting arrested on way back to airport and he spent a night in the cells)

OMG i am soooo glad I have got rid!!!

Not read all of the thread yet (will do now) but am very on mention of dates

simpson of course you can join, all welcome here, you obviously have the credentials - you have an ex twunt!!!!!

PMSL at "credentials"

Well I have the credentials too; mine comes with extra fuckwittery twuntiness.

Oh dear, I don't have credentials, (been out with some proper losers but -hopefully - happilyish married) am just a nosey cow! With a noisy night baby and insomnia.

But am being inspired by all the strong women on here, in lots of ways and aspects of life. So hope to be allowed to stay and learn.

In fact, am tempted to get a tea towel saying "what would wisey do?"

Is the hot date today? How exciting. Wisey could be on that longboat man right now!

Simpson, you do sound well rid, and should definitely get out dating!

having credentials is seriously over rated......rather like having a pest infection

Have got a babysitter for tomorrow night, am going out for a quiet drink with a couple of friends but you never know anything could happen!!

PMSL at wisey "on the longboat man"

Well, if we don't hear from Wisey until tomorrow (nudge nudge wink wink) we'll know what "sights" she's been shown!

Hope she's ok!

Wisey - we want all the low-down as soon as you're finished with dreamboat (I mean Longboat man!)

Xx

at Saffysmum! Wisey, hope you are having a good time :)

Evenin'. Just got back promised DD I'd watch the first ep of big bro' so will quickly spill the beans.

No I haven't been on LBM!!! It absolutely peed down with rain the minute we got settled at nice pub on the embankment. poor LBM was obviously concerned I'd be disappointed but it was fine.

Had lunch then went over the wobbly bridge to St Pauls which is spectacular.

but what you really want to know is how did it go. Well it was......tense at times. He's more keen on me than me on him I think, either that or I'm just too wary! He touched my arm once and said how even though we couldn't see much (cos of the fecking rain) he was enjoying the view and the company, awwww!

So, I think if we do this again we'll need to go somewhere that doesn't feel so intense, maybe a gig or something. It is rather hard work just the two of us. On the way back I bumpted into RL friend who was coming back from London and I said I don't get the instant chemistry with LBM like I did with PTM (fecking hell, all these abbreviations), she reckons it's probably just as well as I'd probably have shagged him by now and felt a bit shit. But I am used to acting on the chemistry alone, and it has got me into hot water before so maybe I expect too much? Dunno, what do you think?

Got to go, have been summoned to watch BB.

Wisey tea towel, tee hee!