After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

O Wisey - life does throw some curve balls, doesn't it?

I'm so very sorry to learn that your mum has died and I'm not at all surprised that her death hasn't fully registered with you as yet.

It may be that it will be some considerable time after the funeral before you fully appreciate that she's gone and some little occurence - perhaps a song on the rado/tv, or you spot something in a shop and think 'I'll get that for mum - she enjoy it' - opens the floodgate and the first rush of pure grief overwhelms you.

It'll happen in its own time and, when it does, take comfort in knowing that your mum's indomitable Scottish spirirt runs through your veins and that, after all you've been through in the past few years, you have finally come into yourself as a wise no nonsense kickass woman who's as much in control of her life as any of us can be

If there's an afterlife you can bet your mum's going to be cheering you on and sending you the strength of mind and purpose to do whatever's required in order to maintain your equilibrium in the face of any adversity that may come your way.

Here's to Sheila Stewart McKay and may she create as much merry hell above as she did below

I didn't want to sully the above with mention of ptm hence this separate response.

I sincerely hope that if your dd gets to meet the OW she isn't too saddened by the realisation that, entirely of his own free will, her father chose to place OW above her, her siblings and, of course, your very good self.

It's quite cheered me up to hear that the twat will shortly be in receipt of a missive that will make his head spin. Maybe the next lot of tears he spouts won't be of the crocodile vareity as I have no doubt that, when it comes to his wallet, he's more than able to shed the real thing.

Have you applied for your absolute as it's immensely satisfying to kick a conniving arsehole like your ptm when he's down?

If you ever feel less than positive about yourself or the future, get yourself back onto that beach and skim a ton of few more stones and wonder how we are able to create so much order in a world that is seemingly one of random chance - it's a concept that's guaranteed to transport me several realms away from the mundane.

It's onwards and upwards again, Wisey - you go, gal, and don't look back. .

Izzy thank you. Thank you for reminding me that my mum can still exist in spirit if not in person and you're right, she would be fisting the air for me - she didn't much care for PTM.

And thank you for keeping PTM away from your first post.

I haven't applied for the absolute yet because I'm not sure I should , but actually I shall ask my sol if it's ok to do that now and if she says it is - I will.

And as for DD meeting OW, maybe she will out of curiosity; but my hunch is that OW isn't really that interested and never was. I believe she wanted a bit of attention and distraction and she's become bored with PTM which is why she left him the first time - for someone else.

So he chucked his entire family and settled life away for what? the 'freedom' of the middle-aged divorcee who rents a room and snatches what he can from a flaky, flighty and selfish OW. O, Happy Days.

On a practical level, you should get some estate agents in now to value the house, before you do all the tarting up. Otherwise PTM will benefit from the effort that you are going to to make the place worth more.

On to it prettybird!

if you don't apply, wisey, you may find that ptm will do so - if the petitioner hasn't applied for the absolute within 3 calendar months of the six weeks and 1 day which is the earliest that an absolute can be issued, the respondent is at liberty to make the application.

if either of you fail to apply for an absolute within 1 year of the date the nisi was issued you may find yourself in a situation where you'll have to swear affidavits stating why you didn't apply earlier and attesting that you've lived apart for the previous 6 months which will be more hassle and expense,

in general it's advisable to apply for an absolute sooner rather than later - do check with your solicitor because tempus fugit and before you know it you're going to be celebrating your first anniversary - yummy, cake!!

have you got a pal who's a whiz at icing? one of the motifs could be a pair of purple trousers torn in half that you can remove and feed to the fishes when you next cast your rod

just catching up Wisey, SO sorry to hear about your mum ((hugs)).
We are so close together you and I. I think my absolute was yesterday (by my reckoning as I'm not the one driving) but finances still way off yet.
It sucks Wisey, I've been told to start looking for houses and although I know its what I want and must do it's hard to find motivation.
Soon though Wisey the spring will be here. You can see light at the end of the tunnel. Its back to those baby steps again. Take each day at a time. Your DD is a little star & NM just needs to be supportive and you will get there Wisey I know it.
Oh if I only had a crystal ball for 12 months time,that would be so good.

Its a time of reflection just now, on many different levels and its not uncommon to not really know how you feel after losing someone so close to you. You almost feel as though there is a 'right' way to behave, but there's not. Just move along with the day to day things and there will be moments when you remember your Mum and you will take the best of these memories with you. I've got no doubt that she will be around you in many ways and the strength of spirit she instilled in you will carry you through these last few hurdles with PTM.

I'm amazed that you have had the energy to get so much cleared out... I'm needing a rocket up me to get the post-Christmas junk sorted out to the tip and charity shop. I'm blaming the dark nights . Its a huge step forward and a real move towards putting PTM out to pasture.

May your solicitor's letter arrive and the words do their work. From your earlier posts, he still doesn't get it, does he? He still thinks he can manipulate you and that you have a caving in point. What he forgets is that he had two years to cement his relationship with you and he chose not to. Don't wobble, you'll soon be enjoying that 1st Anniversary cake while he heats up his potnoodle in a bedsit.

Just checking in wisey, like mcnaughty am amazed at all you've got done. Hope you're doing OK and xxx

Betcha being the gem we all know him to be ptm will ramp up the financial pressure, bad behaviour, manipulation of dd now, when he thinks wisey is struggling. Time for SOL to do her work.

just checking in.

I'm sad but doing ok, we're all waiting for the funeral on the 30th.

Dozer I just read the thread you started and I want to thank you for starting it as it led me to Harley Willard's you tube infidelity seminars. Don't know if any lurkers have seen it but I recommend it as it's helped me understand why my mum's death isn't affecting me in the same way as the end of my marriage.

Good vibes to you all

Glad things are going ok for you. Lengthy wait for funeral doesnt help the head. I don't know if you are same but I was totally composed (for that read probably numb) until after the funeral.

I was going through a tough time (and about to become separated though I didnt know at the time) in my marriage and had to 'hold it all together for my children'. I had my private weep once I was alone. Perhaps this will happen to you.

Best wishes for whatever path you take. Everyone is here for you whatever life throws your way.

TC xx

Anothermum I am beginning to know what you mean. I'm dreading this next week. I keep crying a bit then stopping and I feel awful.

When NM left today I wanted to cry and I feel so insecure. I know he knows what it must be like but I've been 'coping brilliantly' all the time I'm busy and with someone but when I'm on my own it's not good. I feel I want to talk about her but I don't know what to say and everyone says how strong I am!

Hugs xxx

You don't have to be "strong" or what you feel people will expect.

wisey the one thing I know about grief is that it comes when it comes. I think we can only take so much, it can't come all at once. It will be the oddest things that let it in. Right now, because of all you've gone through you don't have the head space for grief as you might have expected it. Difficult I know, but with this one you have to try to go with the flow. Allow yourself to do what you have to do, give yourself time.

Everything Helen said.
Why do you have to be strong Wisey, its your mum and having a good cry can be very cathartic...especially after all you've been through.

Its always a strange time, the void of waiting for the funeral and the intensity of feelings you just don't know what to do with. I remember when we lost my DF and I came back to work. I sensed that people were looking at me and didn't know what to say, and inevitably they tended to be very kind and say I was doing well and was strong etc... I was feeling anything but, but I couldn't bring myself to say that to anyone. It only came out some time later when I felt free to open up about how I felt.

Part of it is that you feel that if you break down, you will never stop

There is no right way to behave (although there will always be those who court people's sympathy and drown out anyone else's needs) and for now, just make your own way to the 30th, let your memories flow. There will be the ones that make you smile, the ones that still puzzle you and the creeping reality that things have changed for ever.

Your priority at the moment is yourself and being kind to yourself comes above anything else. There are people here who understand and can help you through some of the uncertainty. Its at these moments that I feel I have had to do some of the fastest growing up ever. Its hard. x

Hi

Just catching up after weeks off-line. Sorry to hear about your sad loss Wisey; the reason I haven't been around is because this time last year I lost darling sis.
Your mum is with you, I firmly believe that hun, and I 'talk' to sis all the time in my head, and I imagine her response, and sometimes I 'see' her so clearly it's amazing.

You're doing well with the practical stuff. Don't burn yourself out though - and be prepared for the exhaustion and inevitable dip that always happens after we cope with loads of mental and physical stuff.

I've been advised not to apply for my absolute until settlement is agreed. Settlement is almost thrashed out, and Twunt is on the ropes, thoroughly pissed off and feeling 'hurt and bewildered' by what SHL is applying for. And the Judge has ordered that he pays all my costs. Happy days.

We're fine - ES back at Uni after a month at home. Work is busy, kids all ok.

Bless you and your dear mum
X

Yes, the dip. Welcome back Saff it's good to hear you again (and always McNaughty and Helena and Wisey2 as well as everyone else). I'm sorry this is a hard time for you too.

I remember after ptm went the first couple of weeks were spent on the computer - if not on MN I was researching endlessly, throwing his stuff into the summer house, clearing out and cooking, contacting utilities and moving money around to make ends meet - busy all the time.

But then I dipped and I know that's where I'm at now. And yes, I'm having lots of memories and I'm hoping to pursuade my DF to have a 'do' after the ceremony so I can hear stories from people who knew my mum way back. I need to hear about her from people who knew her in other ways. DF is reluctant to have people round afterwards but I'm going to suggest we book a room at a hotel and have something simple so folk can share her with each other and catch up.

Thanks for all this. It's almost a year since the anonymous letter came and you're all still there. Wonderful really.

We are here for you and you're here for us - that's how we all help each other.

Take care - and thinking of you.
X

As Saffysmum said, never forget we are here for you when you need someone to 'chat' to or someone to 'rant at' ............ everyone is behind you ................ all the way.

I second everyone's support.

It did cross my mind though when I read Saff'ys update whether her Ex was 'hurt and bewildered' after wearing his lycra shorts for too long?

Saffy's

Hi Wisey,
just checking in, thinking of you x

Likewise, just checking in xx