After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

All that Dozer says.
Wisey stay strong... this is still the rollercoaster and it is very tempting to want to get off and to settle just because its easier to put an end to things. But you didn't ask for this Wisey and you need and deserve the best settlement you can get for you and DD.
Don't ring PTM re the counselling, screw him, screw his pathetic ways,you cannot undermine all the good work you have done so far with no contact etc. Stand firm as I'm sure now your sol will be worth the money...
((hugs))

Thank you Dozer and Wiseoldowl you're both so right.

Yes, it is definitely court time no matter how much PTM keeps making excuses for not returning to mediation. I will have to bite the bullet and do it, i'm seeing sol tomorrow and she's asked me for a preliminary disclosure and a list of questions to pose to PTM in her next correspondance. I'm going to instruct her to apply for the first hearing because increasingly i find myself close to tears and horribly insecure about everything including NM. He does his best to reassure me that he's here and on my side yet it feels like deja vu with PTM lurking on the sidelines. So Annie trying to keep things light and moving slowly is much more difficult as NM has a real knack of spotting when I'm preoccupied. But I know what I want:

Sell the house asap.
Rent a place big enough for me and DD (DS and GF will need to hurry up and find a place of their own)
Get as much as I can from the equity to put into a high interest account (if there is such a thing now)
Get awarded spousal maintenance for the next 5 years (sol says this is very likely what the court will award and is usual due to the length of our marriage and our relative and potential earnings)

Cut absolutely all ties with PTM asap.

But most of all I want to be able to trust that I'm not some needy middle-aged woman who can't do this. I can't get that from another relationship, I have to get it from within and that's so hard right now.

Wisey, look how much you've done already. Of course you can do this. You have the brains, the energy and the good old-fashioned common sense (as well as the looks, the figure and the drop-dead sexiness ). The only thing you're short of is confidence. That, I'm afraid, will probably only come with hindsight, so get on with achieving and then you'll have something to look back on and cheer at yourself for.

Yes, of course you can do this!

Get those glam shoes on Wisey. Breathe, and have many breaks for tea

Needy? You?

NM can prove his mettle (?) by being supportive but also giving you space, he has known the situation from start, this is part of that and if he's even remotely worthy of you he'll need to handle it.

Sometimes you just have to wonder why things happen the way they do, the randomness of just being a human being. We all like to think we are independent, we have control, we chase power and we hurt each other.

My mum has just died suddenly. I have lost my mum. Her name was Sheila Stewart McKay and she was Scottish through and through. I am so lucky because although we didn't enjoy a good relationship I made my peace with her and myself the last time I saw her on Boxing Day. I introduced her to NM and she flirted outrageously with him. I'm glad she did that.

Hi Wisey, I've been lurking on your thread but I haven't really had anything to add to the fantastic advice you've already been given by the wonderful posters on this thread.

I just saw this post and wanted to offer my condolences to you. Life really does seem to throw shit at us when we least need it.

My thoughts are with you. Take care and be kind to yourself.

Wisey

I am so sorry to hear your news. This is a bad time for you and, if you can, put the PTM issues on a back burner for a few days to take time to grieve. If something can wait, let it wait.

Just deal with what is in front of you. You have wonderful DCs who will be there for you and will see you through the next few days and weeks.

I can't say any more than that. Be good to yourself. Don't feel you have to be brave or strong or let anyone else use this as a time to influence you. I love the fact that you were able to enjoy your visit to your Mum recently and hold those moments close to your heart in the next few days.

Take care. My thoughts are with you and your family. xx

I just wanted to add my condolences. Do give yourself time and space to deal with this, my deepest sympathies are with you at this time.

I am so sorry to hear all your news.

I cant give advice as I am only a rookie compared to you but have been told recently by a couple of experts that it is a really good time to sell a house and move into rented. The financial cards stack up in favour of renting for now and there are some nice rental properties available. No consolation really I know.

I hope you will be at least given some breathing space by ptm at such a difficult time for you and your DC's.

Best wishes to you.

So sorry about your mum. Hope people in rl are taking good care of you. Xxx

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum Wisey. Take care X

Thank you all for your kind thoughts.

I feel detached. I know it's the shock. She didn't suffer apparently, it was very quick but they couldn't bring her back and they tried for ages.

So shit happens and then it happens again but it will be ok, I know it will.

My condolences too (sorry so belated). She may have been difficult but she did at least one great thing in her life: giving birth to the Right Sort of Daughter!

And now you can do this for her as well as yourself.

I am so sorry to hear about your Mum Wisey and at such an already difficult time for you. There is never a good time to lose anyone but she must have been very proud of you. Take comfort in the fact that you had made your peace with her and she had had a happy time with you at Christmas. Take care.

I'm also very sorry to hear about your Mum, my heart goes out to you x

You are the best of the best kind of people someone could wish for. Yeah this is a bit like when PTM and me first split up but it's different too.

Luckily for me I had therapy last night. With no sleep the night before and two glasses of wine on board my therapist took one look at me and said "Wisey you have been drinking before therapy". But when I told her "Yup, i sure have and this is why" she was so understanding and she helped me talk.

She said (amongst other things) "Be aware that PTM may try and exploit your vulnerability now".

Well, how does this sound? He is moving back here permanently. He has (tonight at last) admitted to our DD that he WAS unfaithful , it's the "worst thing I've ever done", it hasn't been all shiny and rosy, and "your DM wouldn't have me back - would she?".

To which my marvellous DD said "No, she wouldn't and nor would I, and don't contact her about her mum either".

So at a time when I am trying hard to accept that my mum is gone PTM moves in for the kill accepts he did wrong. I'm past caring. I remember wishing for it months ago. But I can't even raise the interest in a sparky repost. Who gives a shit any way?

I practised skimming stones on the sea yesterday. I went fishing today. I am about to book a few days away in a lovely cottage before Easter. The shed will be empty very very soon. I shall be saying goodbye to my mum then taking her back to her beloved Scotland before too long I hope. I will be looking for a home for me and DD , and I am optimistic about that. I will continue to enjoy the wonderful times I have with NM (who is proving himself able to support and give space to me).

I know it hasn't quite sunk in yet, because I feel just like Wisey on a good day. But I don't want PTM any more, and actually I think he's only showing his true colours even more which is offensive.

I don't like offensive people. That's why I don't associate with them.

I heart you Wisey. So unmumsnetty but I don't care, I think you are amazing.

What a turd. He really couldn't sink any lower, could he? Unless he drowns puppies on his day off. DD, on the other hand, is a star, but you know that.

I remember a massive sense of relief, when nearly divorced from XH, at realising that since I no longer needed to sustain a relationship with him I no longer had to give him the benefit of the doubt, or forgive him for things that had secretly rankled for years. I was free to despise him, in fact. And indeed I do.

Just checking in. So sorry you have to go through more pain . Thinking about you.

My family is scottish and my great gran was an actual fishwife and a proper battleaxe! My gran (her daughter) was complicated and not a great parent but strong in many ways. My mum and I have inherited their ability to give withering, evil glares (only when pushed!). At difficult times she always tell me we've got some tough scottish working woman genes and that they are good ones to have!

Maybe you have some too. And dd!

Good one DD. Her loyalty is lovely.

ptm isn't worthy of comment. He is soooooo far beneath and behind you.

Like the sound of your therapist - maybe she should meet your solicitor to give SOL a few tips!

Been away and just catching up with your thread Wisey. Sorry for your loss and for the nasty times you have been having but I have no doubt that you will come through it a much stronger person (if thats at all possible).

Take care of yourself and you know the ladies are always here for you when you need them.

xx

Delurking for a moment wisey.

I am sorry for your loss. Your mum, like most of us scots, sounds like a tough old bird, and it would seem like that trait has rubbed off on you.
If you need anything while on this side of the border (near Glasgow) PM me, l would be pleased to help.

My goodness what lovely thoughts you all send.

Yes, she (and I) can send the most Scottishly Scottish withering looks ever. We are currently in a state of limbo until the coroner makes contact.

I still feel nothing but I can't seem to do anything more than get up and wander around all day. I keep saying to myself that my mum is dead but I don't FEEL it.

DD has decided she is prepared at some point to meet OW because I have NM. I don't think her logic is great tbh but I believe she is rather hoping to influence things in her favour between me and PTM. According to what PTM has fed her tells her OW is very cool and casual wrt PTM and whether he's around or not. Plus all her DC's have different DF so he is not required to step in as father figure. He was very, very manipulative upset when she told him we wouldn't have him back.

I think that's why I can't focus on my mum. He has to get in there and make everything about him.

So sol and I have come up with a cunning plan because she dislikes PTM almost as much as we all do. She has written to him AGAIN giving him a last chance to make the disclosure before we issue. But this time she has said that if he doesn't want to do it, fine, but it will cost him.

It will cost him the deeds to the house (immediately)
It will cost him spousal maintenance for 5 years based on the length of our marriage, my projected earnings and my facilitation of his career (immediately)
It will cost him the equity (on the sale when it goes through)
It will cost him half the pension (which isn't affected should I cohabit or remarry).

So she has handed it right back to him and he now has to make the decision, take some responsibility and either make the disclosure now or go to court. Either way it doesn't matter to me.

Thank heavens for her and thank heavens for you .

So glad you are getting such good support from everyone including your solicitor. Your posting helps me so much. Our situations are so very similar and just read this before having a morning tackling a whole lifetime of paperwork some/most of which I have to hand over to stbx. Thanks for the boost.

Hope things are going as well as can be expected Wisey. Our thoughts are with you at this time. TC xx

Hello. I have a very full skip in my driveway and a very empty shed, loft and such like.

I have charity shopped all stuff too good to throw, the scrappy called and took a load of stuff away and I went to the tip.

Tomorrow my landscape gardener friend (I love her) is coming to do the garden and driveway and I shall be painting the playhouse while she does what gardeners do - all ready for when the house goes up for sale.

I have sorted through a load of my mum's stuff with my dad.

I have read and approved the last letter from my sol to PTM which details exactly my own proposals and the requirements of him. When I read it I knew exactly how PTM is going to feel when he reads it - very, very anxious - he's going to spin and so he bloody well should.

How do I feel? Like a fresh start for me and DD is within reach (just). It's limbo time whilst we await the funeral at the end of the month (very busy for funeral directors this time of year) and I don't feel anything much and I'm not terribly available to other people but I don't think I have to be.

So it's not great but it's not so shit either.