Hi Wisey
DDs reaction doesn't surprise me in the least. Ptm turned her world upside down and her 'mum and dad' are still her mum and dad, but not the unit she grew up with and depended upon. She doesn't trust relationships at the moment, because the one that she saw as real and rock solid broke down. I have one daughter slightly older than yours, and one a year younger. I've said this before, but I think it's worth repeating - I thank god that both of mine have lovely, steady boyfriends. This is because the boyfriends have given them their own relationships to focus on rather than twunts with the new woman.
One of my DDs has met (without wanting to) the OW, and is disgusted and outraged that her dad, who she saw all her life with her mum, can move on so quickly with another woman. Even though she now realises that OW was on the scene when dad was still with me. Other daughter refuses to meet "the cow" and has told dad that she may never want to. This is because although girls this age flounder between childhood and adulthood, they also are having trouble seeing either mum or dad in another relationship.
I had a similar situation with eldest daughter a couple of weeks ago. It was horrible. A silly row sparked out of nothing - I'd lost a patient at work, came home exhausted and was seriously thinking about jacking in nursing. Walked in and tripped over daughters boots. Banged my knee, swore at daughter for "leaving the sodding things there", and all hell broke out. I was a lousy mother, I didn't give them as much allowance as their friends got. She was sick of staying in three nights a week to "babysit" her 14 year old bro. She hated me and hated home. All I ever did was tell her off, and nag her. It was her house too, and if she decided to leave her boots on the door mat, she would, etc..etc... After 10 minutes of this, she burst into tears and went upstairs. I go upstairs to have a bath. By the time this is over, she's gone. Had phoned dad, told him to pick her up, thrown some stuff together, and gone "to stay with dad". I learn this from her sister.
I suddenly realised that this could be the pattern for the next few years. DD throws a strop, I respond as calmly as possible, she refuses to back down, so runs to dad. I suppose she thought I'd call her and beg her to return. I wanted to, but I didn't. I had a good cry, then didn't contact her. Twunt texted to say that she would stay with him all weekend. I bit the bullet, and told him that I thought it would be a good idea if she stayed the week - to give us both some breathing space. He went quiet, but agreed. Told twunt that he could drop her off anytime to collect her school stuff and more clothes.
Next morning she returned, to stay. I was hurt by her action in going, but I think she got the message that I will not treat her differently because she has a bolt hole to flee to.
Your daughter is terrified that she's going to lose her mum, like she did her dad. She still has to understand (and she will in time) that you are both the same, that she is paramount to you both, but you both have your own lives. Stay firm in your unswaying love for her, but don't compromise on what you want. It's such early days to have a NM to cope with, with all that has happened in her world, which has been shaken to the core. She will adapt. Play down your feelings for him in front of her, make her your priority without going overboard. Give her your blessing to do what she wants for Christmas - but reinforce that you'd love nothing more but to spend it with her.
Stay strong.