After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

Hello. izzy you're right. Except ptm doesn't have a sol. No, he's still playing it alone and hoping I'll melt. Me give him a break financially? I'd laugh out loud if it weren't such an offensive idea, but I'm not offended any more - just a bit bemused.

Anyhoo, I've had another wonderful weekend with new man. He's met my mates who all think he's lovely and the sentiment is reciprocated by him, so it's all looking good so far. Hope it stays that way.

Ah.

Haven't posted for a few days. Life is mad.

Things with new man have developed. DD has met him briefly (at her instigation). She is struggling with the change and she and DS's are challenging me quite a bit about it. I understand that. So does he, he's got the same thing.
But the other night DD was really quite down on me. She came home and we were sitting in the summer house drinking tea. Admittedly I knew it was a bit of a risk. But she stomped off into the house. So new man says "go and talk to her and DS". I didn't know what to say to her, so he says "I'll go talk with her if it'll help".

I said "what would you say though?". He said - "I'd tell her that I love her mum".

I sorted it in the end. New man is keen he doesn't get off to a bad start with the DC's and nor do I with his - but we're trying to keep in mind they are moving at a different pace to us and dealing with things from a different perspective.

He's lovely. I mean genuinely lovely and there's absolutely no gap between what he says and what he does.

It sounds as though new man is a lovely guy Wisey, and I'm really pleased for you.

It's so hard for the kids though isn't it? I think it will just take time - as long as it takes - for them to get used to seeing you with a man other than their dad. There's nothing he can say to make it easier. It's a huge adjustment for kids to make. Mine don't want to see twunt's ow - they just don't. Knowing that she exists is enough for them, but I'm sure in time (and it will be down to them to decide) they will see her. Twunt wants them to spend time with her now - but it's not going to happen.

If I met someone (which I don't want to for a long, long time if ever) then I would expect the kids to find it difficult, even though they're older. It's a massive thing for them, seeing your mum with another man, and your dad with another woman. A doctor friend of mine says that deep down all kids want their mums and dads to stay together, and I think she's right: so even if, like mine, they fully understood and supported me in throwing him out - it still hurts.

So you don't need my advice 'cos you're such a savvy cool loved up lady, but slowly and gently does it.

X

Love!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so pleased you have something nice in your life ww. You thoroughly deserve it. Not much advice on the dc front as mine are really too young to compare, but my instinct says to keep NM low key in front of them. They are still reeling from the changes in their lives initiated by their father.

How nice also to meet someone who can walk the walk as well as talk the talk.

Your story is inspiring.

Yes, agree with saffy, there is little that you or anyone else can do or say. Your children are also going through the grieving process and only time will help them heal and move on. I know you will tread carefully with them and they are so lucky to have you as their mum in such a traumatic time for them.

Thank you Saff and well.

Have had heart to heart with DD and younger DS. DD is grief stricken still. She finally agreed to me emailing PTM to tell him how it is for her and to ask him to be in her life again, and much as I hate communicating with him I did it - hopefully he will respond and begin a new relationship with her.

DS does not have a problem with me and new man but he feels it is too soon for any big changes (by that he means me moving NM in or me moving in with NM which can't and won't happen).

I still miss it too you know. The marriage. The intimacy of knowing someone so well you only have to glance at them to know how they feel and what they're thinking.

Yes, I know too, Wisey. When they walk in the door and you know instantly the sort of day they had. When the kids say something funny or out of order, and your eyes meet and you both feel exactly the same. That connection - that feeling that builds up slowly over many years, until you can both read each others thoughts. I think I find this hardest of all to cope with - that all those years, those shared good times and bad times, can just be swept away. I feel indifferent to twunt now, and I wouldn't have him back under any circumstances - but I still grieve for the man I spent 22 years with - the man who saw me give birth to his four kids and who cried at each birth - it's hard to equate the man he was then, with the man he is now. So I know how you feel - we want the future and we accept that it will be different, but we're still bewildered by what has happened. I still wake up sometimes and think it's all a bad dream. X

In response to the email I sent ptm he sent me a one-liner and has since sent DD a very long email which she is to scared to read today in case it upsets her.

I'm not going to ask what he says. I'm a bit scared too.

New man is not a replacement for ptm. He can't be.

Wow! Wisey...aren't you an inspiration. Well done all everything and woo hooo on the NM. Jealous...

Saffy, OW is horrible.

These threads are so good to read months on. The way things have moved on for us, and mostly good.

ABCKF has taken months to do his disclosure and respond to my sol's letter. I did my stuff in 2 days.

I can hardly wait for things to end. I want to be free.

Oh and I am currently working on something that (hopefully) will involve collaboration with a vair cute paediatrician. He seems to like me .

I think he is hot. But dunno if he is single or whatever. Very early days. But nice to have someone looking at one with admiration.

Anyway, Wisey...keep going strong.
xx

Wisey, I don't trust ptm with respect to dd at all, he has been awful to her and why would that change? Although hope it will for her sake, but sadly doubt it, he's shown her bugger all consideration so far, has done lots of manipulative, thoughtless and cruel things that have made her feel shit.

She has you, of course!

No-one could replace PTM, they couldn't fill his famous trousers! And why would they want to?

Am going to be all dull and prudish again, you have only known NM for a month. Isn't it a bit soon for him to speak of love? Am sure, wisey, that many a man would fall under your spell, so maybe he has simply just done so, but feel that he comes across as a bit too smooth and knowing.

Also think his suggestion that he tell dd that he loved you was crass, manipulative (esp if this was the first time he mentioned lurve). As if she'd welcome that!

Sorry.

Dozer neither does DD trust what he's written in an extensive email to her - as she knows, he talks a good fight but it remains to be seen whether he'll come up with the goods.

As for NM - well. Smooth and assured or genuinely just a nice guy who had, like me, come to the end of his tether in a marriage that wasn't working any more? I totally get what you are saying about being crass, but I think it was more about finding a way to show me he means what he says than anything else - and I didn't let him do it. I think we're all capable of using manipulation, I know I am, but it's the context which determines what manipulation is being used for and it's not always a bad thing.

Time will tell i guess. But I can say that having seen him in a number of different contexts with my RL friends and with his, he is no different with them than with me. He's as lovely with his DD as with me. And he's admitted he went out and shagged himself silly after the end of his marriage to get it out of his system. Niether of us are in a position to progress things to another level for the forseeable future so if he's playing me then all that'll get hurt are my feelings - he doesn't have access to my bank accounts or anything else!!

Thank you for saying it though. You won't be alone in thinking it.

To everything that Dozer said, ditto - including the lurve bit - and I'm glad you didn't let NM say anything to DD. You know all of this anyway but if I were your DD and NM came out with something so cheesey I'd become even more awkward! Somehow I imagine your DD is a feisty soul so could imagine her doing that too.

It's lovely to hear that you're enjoying NM and, do you know, we have to get out there and risk our feelings getting hurt. We've all learnt the hard way that there are no guarantees in life, even when we thought we'd locked in on a sure fire future with our husbands and I for one would much rather risk hurt feelings than miss out on all of the joy that loving / fancying / lusting after someone has brought me.

You are so very like me Wisey and I know that neither us needs a man in our lives but it is undeniably good to enjoy having that someone special to hang out with and share experiences with.

The only difference between me now and me pre-ex (note the use of ex) is that I don't want the same fairy tale ending. I'm not about to set up home with anyone and I don't plan on sharing finances with anyone else anytime soon, if ever.

It sounds like PTM is scratching around desperately to try and salvage something from his previous life but doesn't know what to do because his old moves aren't working and unlike you he can't work out the new moves for himself and doesn't have anyone to turn to to help him figure out what to do. The irony is that while he thought you were totally dependent on him it turns out that he is the one who cannot function without you and without the normality that you and DD gave him. I suspect that PTM is being blinded by the 20:20 vision that hindsight is giving him.

That's good that he's made the effort with your RL friends, perhaps will give him the benefit of the doubt!

PTM still hasn't got a solicitor? Silly silly silly.

Aaaarrgghhh!!!!!

DD has read email from ptm and tbh he might as well have been in the room with us tonight. skyping NM and this happens:

DD feels 'unwell' and needs to be in her bedroom next door. I can't move the pc to another room. she can hear me no matter how quietly i speak

She says "are you drunk" (a couple of glasses of wine after driving 150 miles today mainly taking her to football, watching and driving back, and now i'm into the other half bottle because I feel shit).

"Oh DM, what are you doing"? etc before slamming the door.

Lessons in how to humiliate the humiliated.

I get it, I get it , I get it.

this is really tricky.

Been away for a few days and just catching up on thread, sorry to hear things aren't running smoothly Wisey.

Sounds like everyone is going through the mill, have things picked up since your last post.

Where is everyone ............ moved on?

How are things going Wisey ?

Have things settled down with DD ?

Gosh, hi, not moved on but moving fast!!!

PTM has sunk to a low. Asked DD to spend Christmas with him and OW. Funny, he was actually a bit surprised when he got a tongue lashing but you won't be surprised at all. He's also got til the end of the month to produce his statement of fianancial stuff and then my sol goes to court.

I'm in love with NM and he's in love with me. It's rather wonderful.

DD is fine with it but is naturally cautious about meeting him, although she has. She likes him but is still holding back a little and that's fine with us both. His DC's are all well aware why their D spends time in my neck of the woods and we're slowly moving toward proper introductions based on their curiosity rather than what we both want.

So it's all good really except for ridding myself of that thorn in my side. Therapist believes ptm to be not quite ready to let go of his former life. Tough. His former life doesn't figure with anyone but him now.

Well done Wisey! And well done DD; it's no surprise she reverts to spoiled child mode every now and then (don't we all?), but she's pulling herself out of it and taking a sensible approach. Cautious liking is just about perfect IMO at this stage.

About time PTM realised that courts are not so easy to manipulate as ex-wives with residual feelings (or at least memories of feelings). He just has to do it, end of story.

You sound very very happy and I'm absolutely delighted for you wisey.

Yay wisey!

2012 not looking like ptm's year, unless one of the new olympic sports is.......?

So chuffed for you Wisey and for the other ladies in a similar positions. Youve got more balls than I ever had taking on another man within a year of a split, but thats just me.

Glad things are getting better with your daughter. It takes kids (and yes even if they think they are adults they aint) longer to get over splits. She will get there in the end.

It never fails to amaze me how men's minds work - if they ever really had a mind in the first place.

Keep up the good work and remember to take it a step at a time.

Keep the thread going, it cheers me up to see you all coming on in leaps and bounds.

xx

28th Oct: SHL emails me: we've given Mr Twunt 2 lots of 14 days, then we go to Court, and this is getting boring, so I think we go to Court.

28th Oct: Saffysmum emails SHL: OK, let's go to Court, I can wear my new Uggs (which Mr Twunt unknowingly paid for on his card).

31st Oct: SHL emails Mr Twunt's lawyer, saying that they have until 5pm on Monday 7th to submit the financial disclosure, which they should have submitted by end of July, which they then promised faithfully they would submit by mid Sept. SHL says no further correspondence will be entered into, and if financial disclosure isn't submitted by then, we are filing court procedure 9 a.m. following morning.

7th Nov: SHL emails Saffysmum at midday, to say she has heard nothing, and am I sure that I want to pursue this through the Court the next day. I say yes. She says good. She says it's cold isn't it, and I say that my Uggs are toasty. And that one day these Uggs are going to walk all over him. She laughs. Says she wishes she could afford a proper pair of Uggs. I say that if she gets me the deal I want, I'll buy her a pair in every colour available.

4.45 p.m. SHL phones me as I'm about to go to work. I say I know what she's going to say; she says, 'go on then.' I say, 'he's just submitted the financial disclosure'; she says, 'yes, with 15 minutes to spare.' She pauses, then says, 'why did he leave it so late?' and I say, 'because he could.'

And therein lies the rub dear Wisey - they leave it till the last minute, because they can. But they've lost and they're sinking, and suddenly, or slowly it starts to hit them like a ton of bricks - they aren't bigger than the law, and their kids will never ever feel the same about them. And most of all - they've lost the best thing they ever had: US. So the silly predictable prats play silly little games - because they can.

fucking hell saff I know the NHS needs you but you should be at a the vanguard of women's rights movements because you're spot on.

As for ptm he will be going to court if he hasn't done the necessary in two weeks. I'm just about to email the mediator to tell him i've had enough
fun and games.

meanwhile ptm is busying himself interrogating DD about me again (sigh). In a way i'm glad i made all my mistakes with him because i've learned a lot
and the wisey who's in love again isn't the same one she was even 6 months ago but then, i've chosen differently this time around.

So as you say they will play for as long as they can in any way they can. let them, because their worlds aren't ours any more are they?