After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

Yeah, me too Migrating. In fact new man has given me alot to think about.

I'm now furious with the OW which I haven't been before. Furious because she knowingly encouraged PTM into a relationship which, whilst she might have wanted to make her own family 'complete', she knew was going to wreck a whole load of lives - what a supremely selfish woman.

i know the received wisdom is that it was PTM who broke his vows and betrayed me, but actually I don't entirely accept that. They share responsibility for the consequences of their actions, and it's clear from the songs they were exchanging (yep, found them last week on the computor) she knew exactly what they were doing, what the outcome would be, and yet it was all going to be 'alright' for them in the end.

Not surpisingly I hope he develops a bad case of impotence which no viagra on earth can cure. And what hopes do I harbour for her? None, actually. I have no hope for her whatsoever except that she pretty soon discovers what Jean Paul Sartre wrote - that Hell is Other People.

Oh, and it still hurts. New man can't entirely erase that. Sorry lurkers. It looks like the process takes as long as it takes but the good news is there's happiness to be had - so long as you don't put too much emphasis on it coming from an external source. [hsmile]

Yes, and I think I value the new happiness so much more becuase the edge of the pain is there.

Remembering the bad times helps me to value the good times...if that makes sense. I don't take anything for granted any more.

Yes happiness can be had .... but it doesnt need to come in the shape of another guy. It can come in many forms.

A fish pedicure! Oooh, never been sure about those, was it tickly?

Agree that OW was/is a dick.

fish pedicures are all the rage here too! There is no way I would put my tootsies into a bath of fish, who have been nibbling the skin off other people's tooties, then pooing it out! Yuk! And I know they change the fish and the water - but the whole thing brings me out in hives.

Speaking of predators - OW bring me out in hives too! Wisey - you loved up sexed up wonderful girl - I know how you feel. OW (i.e. the solicitor) is now "official". This is exactly what my wonderful SHL predicted early May: "give it five or six months, and she'll crawl out of the woodwork - they always do", she said, sagely.

And she has - crawled right out of the woodwork and is trying to crawl right into my kids' lives. Cow. She has kids of her own, and is divorced. Twunt wants my daughters' to meet her. In fact, one did briefly, with no warning at all. Twunt arranged to pick her up from bus station, and there, sitting in the car was OW. She got the "cold icy stare" from daughter that she's inherited from her mum. Twunt chatted to daughter, who ignored them both, on the way home. OW said "it was lovely to meet you" to daughter, and daughter grunted in response. Then OW said "you're so pretty" (FGS) to daughter, who replied, "thanks, take after my mum, I do", slammed the door and flounced indoors, where she burst into tears, leaving me to deal with the fallout of twunt and OW's selfish behaviour.

Of course thick twunt didn't learn his lesson, and when other daughter went to visit he said OW was dying to meet her, and was popping round later. This daughter said no way, she didn't feel ready to meet her yet, and would go home if she showed up. Twunt then signed and acted all hurt, but reluctantly let OW know that DD2 didn't want to meet her.

The utter inability of twunt to see it from his kids' view is gob smacking. The way that this OW, herself a mother, is trying to force herself on my daughters makes me want to punch her in the face. I am bloody furious with the pair of them.

So Wisey - I so know how you feel - I too blame her. It takes two to tango, after all.

Take care hun
xx

Sorry to hear that saffy. Your poor dds. What uselessness, though not surprising given previous selfish behaviour.

Have mentioned my FIL before on this thread. Many years on he is still with the OW and his children remain angry about lots of stuff that happened. And it still goes on. They (FIL and OW) try to pretend all's well, when it is anything but. Fil has consistently prioritised himself and his new partner over his children, since they were teens. MIL died not long after it all happened, and was, by all accounts, an exceptionally strong, dignified person. One of the things that rankles still is that OW, who hadn't even known her, attended the funeral, sat with fil and made out that everyone had been fine with the new relationship!

sometimes want to read them the riot act on behalf of her and all her dcs. Not my place though. Sometimes i wonder, had she been around, whether she would've intervened to try to prevent some of the worse behaviour, but guess that it wouldn't have been her responsibility. i still regularly want someone, anyone to somehow bring fil to his senses and try to salvage something with his (wonderful) kids.

But despite the pain they have caused, they have definitely come off worst. They are clearly miserable and are both alcoholics (were not before). Have masses materially but a barren life.

Hello all. Fucking hell Saff twunt and his OW don't have any scruples do they? I'm so sorry your DD's have been subjected to that - now I'm (kind of) in a relationship I know that the time to make introductions is when both sets of DC's ASK and not before.

I had bad news from my sol today. He is leaving the partnership so my case has been passed on to his partner who is lovely and sounds like a SHL in her own right - has fully briefed herself on the case and where it's at but I'm worried now. PTM has not responded to the demand that he disclose his situation, hasn't provided the evidence to back up the disclosure he has made and we're no further on. Both old sol and new SHL are saying we can't avoid court for much longer which will have implications for me. So PTM is dragging his feet for whatever reasons, living back here half the week and I can't fucking well get rid of the bastard. [hangry]

Is your old sol'r continuing to practice WUW? If so, is there'd any reason why you can't follow him to his new practice? I don't think any law firm could restrict your choice of lawyer.

Thank you Dozer, I remember your sad tale about FIL and OW; and although I'm not by nature a bitter person, and I'm a glass half full kind) of person, I really think OW and Twunt deserve each other, and will get what is coming to them.

Wisey - we really are the same person, going through the same shit hun! Twunt too is dragging his heels - and it looks like court (and all the implications of it) are on the horizon for us too. This is what has me pulling my hair out at the moment - one the one hand is twunt and ow, running around like Romeo and Juliet (here's hoping for the same ending) wanting to be together, re-writing the past, and erasing me out of it; and on the other, he's stalling. Doesn't want to sign everything over to me; hasn't completed his E form (should have been submitted in July!) If he's so happy in lurrvve with her; then why isn't he as keen for me to get it all signed and sealed?

Why? Why do they do this?

at here's hoping for the same ending

Sorry for the hijack,

Saffy, you're alive

You said you would PM me with the details of your sol.

Saff it's all about hanging on to the last vestiges of control - the pot of money. Somehow this is how men like twunt and ptm tell themselves their former 'DW's' can't have it all our own way' (and the huge irony in that is almost laughable).

But there's no escaping the harsh reality for them in the end - we will have our day, they will not be viewed kindly by the courts not because they went and had OW's but because they actively discriminated against us and have prevented a quick and clean break. I try not to get worked up about it, but it's hard not to keep asking WHY are you not rushing this through so we can both begin again.

My latest concern is that when he finds out I'm seeing someone, he'll suddenly discover his 'cave-man' side and far from taking on more responsibility with DD so that I can have a new relationship like him, he'll undermine me and manipulate DD. But new man and me are both ready for that and ptm will discover that new man is far cleverer and believes I'm worth more than whatever ptm throws in my direction should it come to that.

It's all shit. I've said it before. It's all shit.

I received a letter from ptm today.

Begging me to help him out financially. Swearing that he will never do anything to hurt me and DD again.

I took it to my new SHL, and boy oh boy, is she shit hot. If he thought he could get away with slowing things down he was wrong. If he thought he could avoid the inevitable disclosure he was wrong. If he thought he could wear me down so I'd just accept anything to get rid - he was wrong.

in a couple of days he'll get a letter of his own. Sent by SHL. She doesn't have teeth. She has fangs. And she said she just knows that I am going to be an absolute joy to work with.

Watch out ptm. She's coming for you [hgrin]

Oh dear PTM. The cheek of him!

And she said she just knows that I am going to be an absolute joy to work with.

snorted into my wine just then!!!

What a joy to read!

Both his snivelling attempt at slowing things down/playing the victim joker card (boo hoo) and the moment of clarity when your SHL gave you the utmost respect and is truly on your side.

Never do anything to hurt you or DD again ??? and at what point did he think you had lost your marbles and would EVER trust him again. Deluded, he is.

It makes me think back to the early days of your thread describing him as the big guy at work, two women on the go, all singing and dancing ego. He messed you around terribly in the early days about custody and money. Seems he is starting to realise that he got away with that when he had you in the background keeping his show on the road (and his socks in the right order) . Now that you've kicked him in to touch and haven't been suckered in by his lamentable begging, he's really on his own. He's only got himself for company and sounds as though he's realising that's a pretty dire place to be.

Bring on the SHL and the letter he never in his dreams thought he would receive.

Yy mcnaughty!

Maybe your new SHL could send him some of his favourite day-of-week socks, with the court date on!

Ha! As you know, I wasn't the greatest fan of your old sol, although he did stir his stumps eventually. Bit stodgy, I thought. Your new one sounds like just what the doctor ordered. I gurgled out loud about "an absolute joy to work with". The DCs said "Mum's lost it"!

PTM wants you... to help him... out financially. OK.

Did you tell him you have reason to believe that nice OW is loaded? Or maybe she could sell that car she lent him to pick DD up in.

Maybe your new SHL could send him some of his favourite day-of-week socks, with the court date on!

Don't forget that they must match the trousers

his lamentable begging (laughing loudly)

Actually I almost sent an email to him this morning along those lines but then I realised I don't need to - SHL is doing it for me.

I also watched a huge grin spread over her face as I told her that she is my Shit Hot Lawyer. Wish I'd got her sooner but no matter. She's come on board at precisely the right time and that's all that matters to me.

Thanks all for staying with it. I fucking love you I do.

Perhaps its true then 'Women Know What Women Want' ie RID OF PTM and guys like him.

You are probably correct when you say it might have been better if you had had her from the start but you didnt so don't dwell on it and get on getting on with her.

Pleased to hear about your new SHL Wisey, I'm sure that women Sols empathise with their clients more - my STBXH's sol seems like a complete male chauvinist bastard!
I know the reason they delay - because they're right in the shite! How do you fill out an Eform when you don't know how much you'll be paying for OWs new lifestyle. That's the dilemma my ex - DH has now I'm sure so my SHL is pressing for an exchange.
They've seen it all before and know exactly how to handle it.

You know the saying 'everything happens for a reason' Wisey and the reason why you had Mr Stodgy as your sol was so that PTM and his c b sol could grow complacent and believe that, by ducking and diving, they could control the game.

In fact, they've grown so complacent that I suspect they both believed that a direct appeal to you from PTM would tug at your heartstrings and have you falling over yourself to comply with his wishes.

If only we could all see PTM's face when he reads Ms SHL's missive and realises that his game is up and that, by your failure to personally reply to his letter to you, he means less than nothing to you now.

This is a moment worth waiting for; one to put in the book of memory and savour whenever you need to feel that nobody gets one over on you

It really is dish best eaten cold, isn't it?