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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

860 replies

Wisedupwoman · 07/08/2011 09:06

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

OP posts:
Dozer · 04/10/2011 17:31

No no no, don't get/let SS man spend money on you, 'tis not equality! Equality is worth more than any bauble.

PTM on the other hand needs to stump up. Unless he can show you the money, he can see you in court.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/10/2011 18:08

FGS Dozer - Wisey's just emerged from umpteen long years of what she thought was a partnership of equals. Now it's time for her to have FUN and if Mr SS wants to splash his cash on her, why should she have a problem with that?

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/10/2011 19:36

Ah well.

mediation is cancelled because ptm has failed to come up with any of the documents, plus there are important bits of info missing from the document he did provide. Games. My sol has now said he wants a time limit after which if ptm has not provided proof of his assets and debts over the last year we go to court and there's no escape. AND he said because of the way ptm is behaving and the fact that i carry all the responsibility, plus i got myself a full time better job, the courts will not look kindly on ptm, no matter how much he cries. But I'm pissed off, now, i can't get rid of the bugger. Angry

Tissue? he'll a sheet for the tears he'll cry. i think it's just starting to hit home. took long enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/10/2011 19:40

baubles? there's baubles?? bright and shiny things for me to have showered on me?

And a shag at the end of it. providing, of course that he's not married all along. we must never assume............and must always be on the lookout.....

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/10/2011 20:20

What a downer! He's a fucking prize prat, isn't he?

Did he seriously believe that faking a few tears at your last mediation session would distract everyone's attention from the fact that he has been less than open and forthcoming about his finances?

Of course, he's been quietly congratulating himself on what he reckons is his genius for creative accounting (as if!) but when he's been put through the wringer, and hung out to dry by the Court, he's likely to find that he can't afford to shed any tears.

Time limit for PMT and a G&T for you.

Then it's a deep breath and on with the mating dating game. So, do tell about your latest potential paramour...

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/10/2011 20:35

Am supposed to be 'chatting' at about 9 tonight. Bit younger than me, short salt and pepper hair, good bod, well built, taller, good profile, nice photo.

And ptm has asked DD if he should send me a birthday card next month. WTF?! She said "No Dad, I don't". Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/10/2011 20:36

I mean he asked if she thought he should.
And if he did, I'd send it straight to the OW's address, unopened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/10/2011 20:37

Fucking cheek of the man. Fuckingcocking bloody cheek.

OP posts:
Dozer · 04/10/2011 20:43

I don't think it's fun for men to splash cash in that way izzy, let's agree to disagree.

Ptm is predictably useless and dishonest, hope your solicitor gives him a v tight deadline. He's had long enoug. He was always going to drag out the financial bit, but he can't do so for too much longer, so hang in there.

A birthday card! Ha ha. Loser.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/10/2011 21:05

Although it may not seem to be the case to you, I'm all for equality Dozer; in fact, it would be fair to say that my raison d'etre is being equal to the games men people play.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/10/2011 21:13

Fuckingcockingbloodycheek indeed, but let PTM send a card if he wants, Wisey - you never know when you might be caught short with no loo paper to hand.

So, there's a toyboy in the offing... or have you already offed him based on your chat?

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/10/2011 21:45

no, haven't been able to get online yet. these things don't always work out...........

OP posts:
McNaughty · 04/10/2011 21:54

How many twists and turns are there going to be with this pillock? He really takes the biscuit considering its his inability to keep his fly zipped up. He's not been so good when the power is seized from him and the shit's flying brick-sized in his direction. Try and keep focused and go with the solicitor's plan for court. Perhaps he thinks he'll get a better outcome that way. Yeah, right. His judgements haven't been up to much so far.

I'm starting to think that we need a spreadsheet or a Wisey Date-ometer. My DD was watching something the other night on the TV and said that in school the next day they would be 'slating and rating'. So I think we could do a version something like 'Dating, Slating and Rating' - with high hopes that you avoid the middle one Grin

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/10/2011 22:24

Think of PMT as a corkscrew that is going into the crucible of Court to be straightened out and cleaned out, financially at least.

Take out one letter, McNaughty - Dating, Sating, and Rating Grin

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 05/10/2011 08:52

Arf at McNaughty Dating and sating - then rating. I've cancelled the shopping trip and said I'd rather do something at the weekend - and apparently that's fine because according to Mr SS - I'm worth the wait. Grin

Have whizzed off email to mediator detailing the missing information noted by me and sol yesterday and stating that if ptm doesn't come up with the full disclosures by the time the next date is set, I'm going to court. I copied ptm into it. He's probably reading it right now. Don't suppose he wants to send a birthday card now though

And yes, sol is advising that the more he plays hide and seek, the better it looks for me, although it's frustrating in the short term.
Onwards and upwards, (or horizontal if I've got anything to do with it).

OP posts:
McNaughty · 05/10/2011 17:05

Wisey you're worth the wait... lets hope is too Grin.

What a mess PTM is making of the legal process. I'm starting to have an image of him pottering around the roads in his old banger of a car, sagging purple trousers and a crumpled plastic bag holding all his paperwork. Not the professional go-getter he presents himself as.

In a parallel universe, I wonder if he would recognise himself now? He probably wouldn't recognise you because he would be punching above his weight big time to even glance at you.

Birthday card? whatever...

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 05/10/2011 19:59

Ohmygod.

Spent the afternoon with Mr SS. This time spontaneous from me, an invitation to meet for coffee which ended up as early dinner. He wanted to buy me things, but I declined.

It was a really, really nice date. i mean really. The spark between us is absolutely fizzing and it felt so comfortable. I am not melting but I fancy the pants of him and I want to kiss his face off. Um, better shut up now or i'll get chucked off the site!!! Grin

As for ptm. Shame. Shame that he's not with the best thing who ever happened to him. Shame he fucked it all up. Shame he lost his family and his home. Shame no one believes a word he says. Shame. On. Him.

OP posts:
Dozer · 05/10/2011 21:32

Ooo-er-wisey!

AnotherMumOnHere · 07/10/2011 11:52

Glad to hear you had a good time with Mr SS. Im another who thinks you are right in not allowing him to buy you things. Then he cannot say you are beholding to him as many guys may do.

I know everyone else thought it was lovely of him to want to buy you 'chocolate' something or other but that was a red flag for me, why would he want to 'force' that on you if you said no. 'Feeder' jumped to mind. I'm always wary of older guys who are not married/have never been married ... there is always a reason for it.

Anyway, enjoy his company while you can. We all deserve to have a good time.

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 07/10/2011 12:34

Thank you anothermum. Having spent more time both with him and on the phone I don't get the sense he's a red flag, in that I need to be running for the hills - he's quite open about what happened to his marriage and how come he stayed at home to look after the DC's etc.
He was more nervous than he seemed on the first date and we've since talked and laughed about it.

We're going out tomorrow for a proper evening date and it's my turn to call the shots - apart from booking a lane at the bowling alley for early on I HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE WHAT TO DO!!!!! We both want some alone time but where? I thought about making a flask of hot sweet tea (we both love that), a bottle of fizz, and getting a couple of rugs and taking him to sit on the beach. But it might rain!!! What do you think? Any ideas? AAAArrrrggghh!
Am So Out Of Practice.

OP posts:
Dozer · 07/10/2011 19:59

It may be a bit too cold for the beach, unless you have a friend with a beach hut where you could go for hot sex tea.

Nice, intimate gastropub?

Dozer · 07/10/2011 20:00

Don't give'us that about being out of practice, the men are falling over themselves and you're wrapping'em round your little finger!

As it should be of course.

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 07/10/2011 22:19

Have cunning Plan B. Friend who doesn't want us both to die of hypothermia has leant me keys to her flat for tomorrow evening.

Am beside myself. And so is he. Grin

OP posts:
Dozer · 07/10/2011 22:35

Now THAT's a plan!

BeforeAndAfter · 07/10/2011 23:11

Well I do declare, you should name change to Wiley Wisey

Let's hope that Mr SS has some cunning moves of his own ...