After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

Wisey moving on after a marriage break up is a bit like dealing with a death. The first year after the separation there is the 'first' time of every occasion alone so don't be too hard on yourself if you do have a bit of a wobble each time until the first year is over.

I was thinking the same re your thread as everyone has been posting less and less and that in its own way is a good sign, it means they are filling their time with other things (good things) and arent dwelling on the past.

Be good to yourself Wisey. You have come a long long way in a very short time but remember it is not a race.

It is a long time since i split from my exH and now we can both go to a family gathering at my daughters and enjoy ourselves. The laugh is I usually spend most of the time sitting talking to his wife. It does get easier .... it just takes time.

Hey there Wisey...fancy the 20th (today) is the day I got married 25 years ago. Fancy fancy fuckcy..who would have thought then that it would end like this today...hmmmm, not I.

I had an awful weekend; cried buckets..in prep for today I reckon. Cos today, I have nothing. No tears, no wobbles nothing. Had a good day at work. Had hot chips for lunch. Had a nice dinner with DD. Had a lovely long chat with my parents. No tears, no wobbles.

Wisey, take care. I am choosing to spend Christmas with my family in Singapore because I cannot bear the thought of this Christmas here. The 'first' one. In fact, I am thinking of going to Singapore every year from now on, actually. We'll see.

Be strong you lovely woman.

Thanks you lovely people.

God, I can't imagine spending a single second in his company after we finish the legalities. I'm fucking murderous actually so it's just as well for his sake!

Blimey drfay what a coincidence. Well I think going home to Singapore is a good idea. I lived in Jahore Baharu for a while as a tiny child. Always wanted to go back and visit, and haven't yet. But my passport is in the post so who knows?

WRT the thread, I'll just see how it goes, and maybe just let it go to sleep.

You've all been so wonderful and I couldn't ever repay your generosity if I lived to be a hundred.

Moving on.......

Whatever happens next in your life or with this thread, it's very nice and an inspiration (virtually) knowing you lovely ladies. Many good wishes.

Just catching up again and noooooo... the thread can't end!

Its been quite a journey on this thread for many people and I reckon it will have been a lifeline for many others who read it, but don't post. You have been brave to be so candid in sharing your feelings; you have probably given people far more than you have received. I'm quite sure that you don't have any outstanding dues. Indeed, I'd love to know how many others have found the strength to dump their excess baggage and have also realised that there is a pattern to the behaviour and to a partner's responses to being betrayed. As you have shared your story over the last few months, your own generosity has come through to everyone posting.

I've read up to the last few days and I am (and will always remain) gobsmacked by people who walk away from their DCs, in every sense of the word. He can't see her for a few weeks??? There's always MSN/Skype. Has he lost the use of his fingers? You can never make up for him being a crap father. Its not your fault that he is behaving like this and you mustn't feel guilty about him not being around. Your DD has you and your honesty has given you a strong relationship with her. Think about the early days and how destructive he was being. You've got through that and come out the other side. Try and focus on your DD's final school years and make them as secure for her as possible. Thats what matters at the moment.

I can understand you wanting to go into work when you were feeling rough. I've been through that kind of thing recently and it was the one thing which kept me sane. It may seem strange, but it lets you separate out your home life and whatever troubles are there from your work life. It gives you breathing space and sometimes can lift you out of a fog. I realise it might not be the best thing for everyone, but it was a lifesaver for me.

And as for your murderous tendencies... can we form an orderly queue? or... give it some time and OW might just take care of that for you!!

I like to think that as and when our threads come to a natural end our friendships will endure even if we just become a Christmas update - would that be the Mumsnet version of the Christmas card list?

After all you know more about the real me than my family does. They think I'm incredibly "brave" and embracing life and rebuilding my new world faster than any brickie could (yes, I am doing that) but my family sees no pain. I shield them from the anguish. Work colleagues see some pain but you see it all. Warts, mistakes, black humour, the lot.

So we will endure Wisey, one way or the other. A toast I think (tonight I'm enjoying a glass of Rioja) .

Think about it. You have all of us on top of all of your RL bods; what's PTM got? An OW that's got no morals (and if he's moving back, have "they" gone by the wayside?); a DD who will never wear rose-tinted spectacles when it comes to her D; the cold shoulder from most of your "mutual" friends I expect; and, probably, the eternal disapproving stare from his parents. Not much to write home about if you ask me.

Long live the MN Christmas card list, whatever that looks like. You will forever be on my list. xx

Wisey I have learnt so much from your thread, and from B&A, Saffy's DrF and others. I have already made better choices because of you. You have all been a great inspiration to me, and I'm sure to many others

Good luck with it all, you certainly all deserve the very best.

'Scuse me Wisey, I'm muscling in for a mini-hijack

Helenina... first of all, your name is one of my favourites . Secondly, if I have, in any way, helped you to make better choices then I cannot think of a finer reason to post on here.

Thank you so much. It is an honour and it does feel like a Kate Winslet moment. It really does make this as worth it as it can possibly be.

xx

Dozer said something upthread about my gifting him with some feminist texts - well.

I am in the process (nearly done actually) of preparing a mail to him. It's composed of some of the best bits of all of my threads and the posts from you. I'm linking them together and editing the bits to make it between him and me, and it's taking ages but when it's done I'm going to send it. It's already a powerful and well-crafted piece. Nothing offensive or anything, just 'theory made real'.

These are the best feminist texts I could give him. Not sent with pain or yearning or with any hope or expectation that he'll question what he's done, he simply did what he wanted.

Why? To rid myself of any residue of needing another kind of 'closure', the kind that divorce and mediation and moving house and finding new love (whenever) don't provide. BTW, finding 'new love' - see the poem on drfays thread. On the money, totally, and how I find my way back to me whenever I have an 'uh-oh' moment.

And to give him a taste of what real people really think and feel about those who behave in these ways since he won't be surrounded by people who tell him what you have been saying to me all these months - and it's time he heard it 'from MN's mouth'.

I hope you don't mind, I haven't said so-and-so says this or that. They're your words but they come from me because I have internalised and made them part of me.

I won't press the send button until I'm ready and sure I've got it all in there, because it's the one and only time I'll do this. I have no expectation about how it'll be received and I don't care really, as it's about me not him. As I know him so well, he'll either send a lengthy and wordy analysis in return or he'll not respond at all but either way it doesn't matter.

And I wouldn't recommend that anyone else do this either, it's a personal thing (although for those going into mediation like a jellyfish, having some posts to refer to and read in the face of your stbx's is a very good idea).

It's my way of saying thanks, too. I won't say goodbye because I hope to see all of you on other threads, and maybe on my own if I start another, in time. I can't think of any other way for you all to 'speak' to him directly and with the kind of clarity that gets to the heart of the matter.

All of you. So much .

Whats happening here? I leave you alone for a week and no one leaves a post ................. not good enough ..................... how are you all getting on ?

Bloody hell, we're resurrected!!!!!

Oh, well, I have been trying to put everything I've digested from here into practice. I did send the email to PTM. It was brilliant. I was glad I did it.

And I haven't heard a peep from him. The other night me and the DC's all talked together for the first time about everything. Even the DS who has, by his own admission 'buried' himself in work to avoid talking about it. It felt good to be honest with each other. It's been a long time coming. They all know now that he tells everyone something different about the same things and so at least they are checking in with each other about that. And unanimously they don't want a relationship with him other than a financial one for DD and me.

I see PTM next Weds for what I think may be the last mediation before an agreement can be drawn up. Before that I see my sol so he can help me prepare my end of things. The email I sent was really to stop me from doing that stuff in mediation as it could get in the way of settling the legal stuff because that's all that's left to do now. He has moved back here for half the week. Apparrently I drove past him the other evening but I didn't know it was him, he's bought another car. DD helpfully took a picture of it to show me so i can identify it.

So that's it really. I'm about to finish with LBM - he's not for me. Very helpfully he hung around on our last date until I met up with a friend and she pointed out how he seemed not to want her there, and she questionned what i like about him. I noticed that in his conversation he appeared to be sending the message to her that we are a couple with a history. NO. That's not how I see it at all. So I'm going to have 'the conversation' with him soon.
Hate that, but it's necessary.

Hey Wisey, love the terminology ............... resurrected.

I?m so pleased you and your family are coming through things so well. The family pow wow probably did you all the world of good and like you say it let everyone know that PTM is telling each one of you a different story for the same thing.

It?s also good that the son who was ?burying himself in work? is now coming together with the rest of you ... I?ve never been one for allowing things to build up ... its not healthy but children (no matter what their age) don?t always realise this ... so good on you for getting him together with the rest of the family.

I hope all goes well with both your solicitor and the mediator and you are right in getting all the ?ends tied up? through the email. I?ve no doubt you will come out on top. You have done so well up to now.

You?ve also got one smart daughter for taking a pic of PTM?s car so that you know what it?s like. It?s always good to be one step ahead or even two if you can. I hope his moving back closeby hasn?t knocked you sideways. I know when I split with my ex (too many years ago now to remember) it sorta upset me for a short while but when I realised our paths didn?t need to cross except when he was picking up children then I felt a lot better.

When you think about it PTM can?t be THAT short of cash if he keeps buying himself other cars. Did he ever clear his stuff out of your shed?

Sorry to hear that things with LBM didn?t work out. Why are men such twats and so needy? I think they get under our radar sometimes because we are so ?out of practise? when it comes to dating. Like corporation buses, I?m sure there will be another one along shortly.

So, I?ll finish by saying, good luck with the solicitor and mediator and I look forward to hearing that you have taken him for all you can.

Have a nice weekend in whatever way you choose. I?ve got a full weekend with one thing and another which means I aint gonna be able to chill the way I like to at the weekend but I?ll get a bit more time to myself during the week which is good.

TC xx and don't think that people don't want to hear how you are getting on - cos we do - you are such an inspiration to so many on here.

Ah well, the cars are all bangers. A far cry from the Alpha Romeo and Saabs of last year a la mid life crisis.

i have dumped LBM. By text. Nicely, or as nice as it's possible to do so. Hope that's it.

Will keep posting then, if it's still of interest. After mediation next Weds. Hopefully there'll be good news. Thanks.

Ooh, get you Wisey, dumping a bloke by text!! God this phase we're in is bloody liberating, isn't it?

xx

Wisey its always nice to hear you coming on in leaps and bounds. You have been an inspiration to more people than I could list on here. I only wish I'd known about MN when i split from my ex but that was many moons ago.

And well done on kicking LBM to the kerb - by text or another method is fine by me esp if a guy is making out that something is more than it really is to inflate his own ego usually.

Fingers crossed re mediation and sols. TC xx

And to the other girls too, dont stop posting, you are all good ambassadors for MN.

Hiya wisey, really good to hear from you. wow, you've been busy as ever! Hope you get the financial stuff sorted out soon and can end mediation.

Sounds like your rl friend is a useful person to have around when dealing with admirers!

Hope dd (all the dc of course, but especially dd) is ok.

Hope you and your family have a lovely autumn.

I'm bumping this thread as it is missing from the main relationship listings. See if it shows now. I had to do an advanced search to find it. Ive never been one for marking the threads that I've been watching. Hope it works.

Oh good morning, spotted my old friend on page one!

Have only gone and bagged myself another date - with a VERY handsome chap. He wanted to take me out last night but I couldn't so we're arranging another today. Woohoo!!!!!

DC's are all fine, coming round for dinner today. Big pow-wow with them all this week for the first time since X went. Now much of the drama has gone they're all very clear how they see things - he's out and they want to keep him out, even DD.

The email I sent him which was as much from you as from me - not a peep from him. Very unlike Mr Ego-as-big-as-the-world. All the other's I wrote and the letters I wrote but didn't send, thanks to you all for that - deleted and gone. No need for anything else to be said.

fanstinated by the email you sent him! He is certainly in an entirely different place to the one he thought he was going to be in when he first blew your marriage apart.

And so are you! You really are an amazing woman!

Aww, LBM wasn't working out and he's gone. It sounded as though it was a positive relationship on the whole and not time wasted really. Just not right for you, and thats fine.

Your email to PTM sounds as though it was sent at the moment where you had all your feelings sussed and it was time for you to have your say, without him looking back at you or saying anything. Wonder what went through his mind when he read it... "oh shit"

His silence says it all. If he's normally one for disecting the meaning of words, you may actually have rendered him speechless. Not a bad thing. Funny that sometimes in life there are the right words at the right time and you just know that you have to do it. He's had his say many months ago. in some ways, I don't even think he deserves a right of reply.

Hope you enjoyed your meal with your DCs. My ears perked up at the news of a new date tomorrow - indeed a VERY handsome date. Have a great time.

Aaaarrgghhh!!!!!

Horse man, who shall now be known as Mr Spontaneous just text to say 'are you free right now, if so I'll come take you wherever you want to go'!!!!

So - in the spirit of singledom - I said yes!!! He said, come as you are don't worry about that. So I'm going in my sexy suit because that is exactly what I was wearing. OMG!!!!!

Will report back, obviously. OMG!!!!!!

Hope to feck he's as nice as his photo. He says my profile is one of the loveliest on the site. Awwwww.......

Oooh Ah! Mr Spontaneous - am liking his style. .

Ooh!

Ooooh. Wisey has been whisked away!

Now that he's received wisey's message, d'you think PTM could be lurking on MN? If so - go away, we don't like you!

(hmmm, been around toddlers too long, am self-censoring swearing even in type!)

Bet ptm sends wisey a massive long letter, or tries to ambush you in some way, doubt he'll go quietly. Any trouble though and we'll get'im!