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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

860 replies

Wisedupwoman · 07/08/2011 09:06

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 11/09/2011 14:40

Has Disgracelands closed its gates to him, then? How sad. Never mind, another OW will be along in a little while, it's like No 7 buses. Or town bikes.

McNaughty · 11/09/2011 14:40

I'm pretty sure that Tescos also has a good selection of Pot Noodles TV Dinners. Grin

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 11/09/2011 15:14

Don't know about Disgracelands - if I know him he's working the old PTM 'magic' to keep a foot in the door. Hmm

Still, it'll be 'interesting' though.

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Dozer · 11/09/2011 23:16

No no no wisey, PTM is not "very much in the picture" or putting a "foot in the door"! he is just going to be living closer to you (or so he - is it he?-says). Awkward, but not requiring you to do anythiny different from now.

Is this a wobble? Sharp slap with a wet fish if so!

Practice the icy stare some more, or perhaps a slightly superior and aloof nonchalance (sp?)

I don't think you should stay at long boat man's either, although am normally all in favour of the snog/shag him approach!, as sounds like you're not sure if you really fancy him. Would be a stressful way to find out! Perhaps (if funds or work permit it) book a room in London that night. Laterooms or whatever for bargains.

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 12/09/2011 10:04

Dozer relax all is chilled here.

When I say he's in the picture I mean moving back down here, not in my heart or head or any other space he might think he can occupy - to coin a cliche - I am soooooooo over him.
It's more about bumping into him and him trying to worm his way back here by way of coming to see DD and stuff. But if I do, he'll get the very icy stare, the one he got in mediaton as he sat blubbing at me. It just doesn't work any more. I don't love him, you see.

Thank you for your obvious concern, but it's because of you that I think so clearly these days. I'm not staying with LBM, i've made other arrangements, I do listen and take on board everything that you all say to me I really do.

Without you all it would be such a different story.........

OP posts:
Dozer · 12/09/2011 10:44

Phew, that's good, v sorry for flapping!

Off for a nice cup of calming Brew.

Have a good week!

AnotherMumOnHere · 14/09/2011 19:53

Hey, is everyone ok? Whats happening with you all?

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 14/09/2011 20:27

Hello!

Well my pc has been playing up and i've only just sorted it out tonight - hence - here!

But things are well in my neck of the woods. Therapist also suspicious that ptm is moving back here when he works 20 miles away and it would be cheaper for him to rent there.......well, as they used to say when i was a young 'un "ain't no fool like an' old fool". Grin

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BeforeAndAfter · 14/09/2011 21:54

I'm utterly baffled about PTM moving back to your neck of the woods other than because the penny has DROPPED: Wisey = woman of PTM's dreams. So when's PTM landing? When is D-Day where D stands for ... ?? what was DrFay's D?

AnotherMumOnHere · 14/09/2011 21:55

Glad to know youre ok Wisey. You are coming on in leaps and bounds.

I'm sure if you give time time you will find out PTM's reasons for moving closeby. Until then I'm sure you will play your cards close to your chest. TC xx

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 14/09/2011 22:08

Dickhead would fit.

Well anothermum he could have got wind that i'm back on the dating scene, you know, all caveman-like - but too late to do anything about it. Grin.

It is so good to be free.

OP posts:
Dozer · 14/09/2011 22:09

Maybe PTM is angling to live in the (now cleared?) shed. Wisey could be kind and provide him with some pot-noodles, vinyl flares and copies of feminist texts.

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 15/09/2011 14:56

Arf at Dozer. No not cleared shed - he hasn't been back, I wonder why (that's a rhetorical question -we all know why he hasn't, he's a yella fella these days).

Vinyl flares Grin sure I could pick some up in a local charity shop. And PTM can eat dust as far as I'm concerned!

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 15/09/2011 18:34

so it hasn't worked with OW? and all is definately not well in PMT world....and Wisey is looking all sorted and shit hot.....and he's moved back in town Hmm.

He is really looking pathetic now.

AnotherMumOnHere · 15/09/2011 19:59

Isn't it nice when twats plans go tits up. Grin

MigratingCoconuts · 15/09/2011 20:58

Now, why is it I keep mixing up PTM and PMT??? Grin

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 16/09/2011 11:56

PMT - Poor Morose Twat.

That's what happens post arrogant git, who thought a quick chat and some empty promises could compensate for twuntiness par excellence Grin

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Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 16/09/2011 14:01

I suppose there comes a point when all the shit he's told himself about why I wasn't right for him and OW was etc etc blah blah, just doesn't hang together now.
Unfortunately for PTM I am months ahead of him on that score - I know I'm not right for him and that OW is so I wish them well.

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Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 17/09/2011 14:40

Actually probably should've added to that last post!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 19/09/2011 18:44

It would have been my 19th wedding anniversary today.
I've just had a cry. Sad

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 19/09/2011 18:55

I hope there were some tears of relief in there as a well as sorrow for all those poignant dreams you once had, wisey.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 19/09/2011 18:58

19 years ago this was a happy day for the young wisey, but you've had many more since and there are lots more to come. Have a Wine and toast the future.

wiseoldowl · 19/09/2011 19:10

Hi Wisey,
just checking in. Sorry to hear it is your 'would have been' anniv - it was mine last week. Very bad couple of days, but what can you do? (confused)

I too am stunned by PTM move, he surely could not think that you would reconsider (but then having spoken to RL friends, sometimes that is exactly
what they think)... WTF after all the heartache they've caused.
Try not to dwell on it too much (?!), I try to stick to what someone posted earlier, concentrate on what you have control of to improve things for you as you can't second guess a twunt. Slowly,slowly you are moving onwards, upwards and away.

BeforeAndAfter · 19/09/2011 20:37

Hey Wisey

I hope you've poured yourself a large Wine. Weren't you off out with DD? If you did go out then I hope you had a good evening. Equally if you stayed in I hope it's been OK.

Cry today, my love, cry. Don't fight it today. There are too many memories at stake which you have to keep as good ones in the end. However your marriage ended your wedding day was very special and I bet you have beautiful photographs and beautiful memories of that day. Keep those memories of good times safe and sound. That's what will make you happy and strong in the end. Let the H's, the X's and STBX's re-write history. We face the truth head on - the good, the bad and the ugly.

(((Hugs to you tonight)))

xx

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 20/09/2011 07:17

Thank you izzy wisey2 and B&A.

I look like the wreck of the Hesparus this morning but it had to come I suppose, it took me by surprise though. DD has been wonderful and wants me to take the day off work but I need to go in and have other stuff to think about.

I just feel a bit 'dead' inside. I just hope that Christmas isn't a struggle since I'll be the one doing all the work and trying to make it go well......

It's an irony though - I'd been thinking perhaps this thread of mine is coming to a natural end and I'll just post on other's to help as much as I can. Well, we'll see.

Thanks again. much appreciated.

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