After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

I'm another wishing you well for today, sorry you had a bad night.

I'll be with you too in that room and if you have something to throw his way then I'll hold him down for you or I'll use my handcuffs on him. ROFL.

All the best. xx

Go wisey go go go! (see, now I've got all fired up about purple flares and put an exclamation mark)

Brace yourselves. I will try and make this succinct but can't promise as I want you to get the full-on picture of what has just happened.
Pour yourselves a big because I have.

I am magnificent.

Letter from DD:
my darling mummy. stay strong and stick to your guns. just remember:
this is all his fault.
you are a strong woman
he has nothing any more
you have kept our household happy
you have kept me happy.
and lastly:
HE WEARS PURPLE TROUSERS.

i love you to the moon and back and then again.

We were alone for a while before we were seen. He asks me if i've been to work (fuck off lovely suit on). i say yes. he says have you been up to london then, to the X? I say (bored tone) no. he says how is your DM? I say I don't think my parents would want me discussing my DM with you PTM. and he groans quietly.
So. After the preamble's mediator gets down to business and then I see PTM's disclosure which has all 'unknowns' on his future household expenditure's and I begin to question "so how can you possibly say you'll pay all the mortgage for the rest of it's life given you don't know your own expenses then?" so he starts saying about how he is prepared to 'look after me and DD etc' and I kept on and on saying I don't believe it. So he goes all red and begins to CRY saying 'it's because of how guilty and ashamed i am of what i've done, i never thought we'd come to this'.

So that's when I blew. I gave it to him with both barrels and the mediator couldn't stop me.

I said:(forcefully because I was angrier than I've been since that day)

Guilt and shame? Would that be the same 'guilt and shame' you told me you felt none of the day I kicked you out? We're here because of you this is all because of you and what you've done, the lies and betrayal of me. What the fuck did you think would happen in a divorce then?

he says, tearfully 'i didn't know i thought you and me and DD could talk it through together'
I said 'you thought what? In your deluded world of PTM you seriously thought that i'd be the poor little abandoned wifey and just roll over and accept your equally deluded proposals? Well you have seriously underestimated me for a very long time, because I know what a liar you are, i know about more than you think and if you think i believe for a second that you're prepared to live in a shit bedsit and eat pot noodles for the rest of your life for me you are clearly more deluded than i thought.

mediator says: pete you're upset, are you alright?

And I said 'of course he's alright, theres' nothing wrong with him, i've seen this a thousand times before. Mediator shut up at that point.
And PTM said 'yes, im going to be staying in a b&B three nights a week and I am prepared to do that. I didn't plan it like this.

ETC ETC ETC on and on. Formidable? Moi? You bet his sorry arse I was formidable.

And the mediator pointed out that ptm's proposals are actually not a good deal for me. at which point ptm said ok, you can have the house all the equity and 50% of my pension. I agree. but please can i take a mortgage holiday to pay for this mediation because i have no money and i'm seriously in debt.

i said i'd think about it. and then i walked.

I can't say any more right now. i'm in shock. at myself.

Also hoping it has gone well for you today, Wisey.

Oh and that shouldn't be there it should be . Sad? Me?

No fucking way. Jubilant.

Fuck me!!!!!

No wonder you feel better now all of that is out. You were so ready for that and he so deserved to hear it. All his swagger of the early days has gone and he's run out of options.

I'd never thought we'd come to this. What a cliche he has become. Surely he hasn't reached middle age without having some idea of what happens when there's infidelity. Did he really think he could ride off into the sunset after a quick chat to sort it all out with you and DD?

The breaking down and the offers of financial support are such a U-turn. No wonder you are suspicious.

Oops, posted before I had finished...

Formidable? I think you just re-wrote the rulebook. Sounds as though the mediator thought better of trying to stop your outpourings. Too right.

So is his offer in the ballpark you were thinking of? Take time to think it through then get him signed up to it if its what you want.

And your DD - her letter is charming. What a sweetheart she is.

You star!

The sob story came then did it??

Predictable as hell. This was certainly not in his rosey little future plans

I am really really pleased you got a chance to say all of that to him, that must feel so much better. Take care of yourself though, coming down from that adrenalin rush may bring lots of mixed emotions to deal with again.

Oh god, have calmed right down. That was a real rant, and you must read any 'name' as an extension of PeeeeTM.

He hasn't come to get the stuff from the shed. I wonder why.

A monster has been unleashed Annie is right!
I am so proud of myself that he got away with nothing. I leant on that big conference table with my elbows, and my chin resting on my fingers as i quietly but coldly told him I know - I KNOW who you are, what you've done, who helped you and what you're doing now. And it isnt going to work for you.

So there we are. Mediator has pointed out to me the 'downside' of accepting what PTM offered (and is saying put on record and make it legal)which is a far better deal than any court would grant. And PTM is prepared to accept he will losing out loads more financially now and in the future as 'penance' presumably.

Still haven't finished nailing his arse to the wall though. it ain't over til it's over as they say.

It ain't over honey, until the gorgeous lady in the gorgeous suit with the gorgeous shoes sings - and doesn't she sing beautifully.

I'm incredibly proud of you and your daughter's message brought tears to my eyes...you're an inspiration you are!!
X

Now that has made me cry.

Amen to DD, Amen to Wisey and Amen to MN for playing its part in getting you there. PeeeeteTM is one big purple bruise and can't tell where the next slap or kick is coming from.

You were and are magnificent.

Well done!

xx

And I said 'of course he's alright, theres' nothing wrong with him

Wisey, laptop nearly fell to the carpet. I am sitting here with a HUGE on my face.

I like the touch about the pot noodles. More to the point, you have just got yourself a real deal. Your DDs letter was wonderful (again), and just look at you now. What an inspiration, no wonder DD is so proud of you.

Cheers Wisey

Wisey I keep going over the words of your daughter and they really are lovely. I think I would have been sitting waiting on mediation with tears running down my face - but you could not afford to do that. Your daughter is inspirational beyond belief. You are so so good for each other.

I'm glad yesterday went so well for you. TC x

Well done Wisey.
Make sure you get the best deal for you & DD. You make sure you do nail his arse & now next time you go to mediation session you'll be even stronger for what's already been achieved.
All Hail Wisey.

Thank you all, have taken a couple of days to really calm down although I keep replaying the whole two hours in my mind.

On reflection I think PTM was very upset - however that doesn't change who he is essentially i.e. a narc. Therefore I won't change my approach with him because it seems to be working.

And everything you're saying now I'm storing up for the next round or before if he makes contact. I especially like the so he really thought he could walk away after a 'quick chat'. I've got dozens of one-liners prepared and they'll all address his behaviour one way or another. Now I'm in charge of me I can take charge of his ability to hurt me - which he can't any more, sad little man.
And of course, I must buy another sassy outfit for next time.

MN is such a wonderful place.

Logging in from holiday!

Magnificent, wisey! You certainly let him have it. Long time coming. Hope you can get the finances stuff sorted out soon, in a good way for you and DD.

Hope DD's return to school is going well, is so lovely that she writes to you like that.

You never mentioned that the purple trousers are flares - that's an important detail! He may be wearing them for some time given the allegedly sorry state of his finances.....pot-noodle-man!

Onwards and upwards wisey. Good one.

Please help me with this:

I'm going to the Globe with Longboat Man on 25th, right near where he lives (or floats, don't know what the terminology is!).

On 26th I'm going to a conference - right near where Longboat Man lives.

Should I
a. Do the two journey's over two days and not even entertain the idea of -
b. Ask if he can put me up on the 25th (which he would, I know)

He's safe, doesn't bite etc etc. (it's him who should be worried tbh!)

An old fogey writes: do two journeys. You don't want to turn up at your conference grinning like the Cheshire cat with a kind of "Just Shagged" neon light over your head do you? I dunno, maybe you do... (Save it for mediation, I would!) Or worse, if things don't go well, turn up looking all pale and wan with red eyes.

Sounds like the chemistry has started bubbling at last, if you're even contemplating, you know.

I would think this is a nudge from fate.

At the very least you could have a conversation with LM about whether it would be appropriate to ask for a bed (berth?) so early on and how he would feel about it. Then you could always have a nice evening with him and retire to your cabin alone if that is what you felt comfortable with. Or not!

Sorry to jump in uninvited, I always love reading your thread but don't feel qualified to comment on your battles with the Ex.

Sorry, I don't have a clear answer. Part of me feels that if you have doubts (as above) then its not the right time. Perhaps it would be better until you have PTM fully consigned to the recycling bin before you get more involved. Less stress all round.

The other part of me feels 'why not' - sometimes you just have to go for it... but only you know where your relationship is and the reality of what this may signal to him.

He does sound lovely and I love the sound of a trip to The Globe. Take time to think about it and go with your instincts. If you are still doubtful, stand back and make other arrangements. If the relationship has legs, all of this will happen in time and by then you will be sure.

Ah, ok. Thanks.

So I'll see how it goes between now and then, not rush into suggesting anything unless it feels right nearer the time. You're right, red eyes and wan isn't good, PTM still in the picture isn't good, doubt isn't good.

But Cheshire grins and fate are very good!!! In their places of course. .

Fucking hell 51 going on 15!

You wanted us to shout "GO FOR IT", didn't you? Sorry!

Yes, PTM very much in the picture as from very soon.

He's moving back here, very small town, I'm bound to bump into him buying his TV dinner in Sainsbury's. May have to change to Tesco's - he hates Tesco's.