After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

I would like you to picture this:

Me, having been to B&Q for a range of light bulbs for very fiddly light fittings which have all blown at once.

Phillips screwdriver, stool and DD as my 'oppo'.

Mission accomplished, even the fiddly ones' which I couldn't help remarking as I (for the third time) couldn't get the teeny tiny screw in the hole "would rather struggle with all day than ask PTM for help DD".

She, unsurprisingly reacted as though she wishes I would rather he were here to do it. But - we have been a proper team together today. She has started a paper round, is doing the washing up and the ironing, has sorted her stuff out for school tomorrow and we're right there together.

I fucking love being a single woman. Today - light bulbs. Tomorrow the world (or at least putting the boards back down in the loft that PTM couldn't be bothered to).

Lurkers - once you're over your grief you lives will be so much better - I promise .

So the journey is complete: from downtrodden abandoned housewife to stiletto-shod career woman with take-that handbag and two men on the go. Ladies, we have unleashed a monster.

Good, innit?

The purple trousers by the way, are flares. Flares darlinks. On a small man with short legs. Who thinks he's one of the Beach Boys. Arf!

Aint that the truth Wisey ! I may only lurk on here but am happy to report myself out of the woods , posted on a thread you were on recently about it...

wisedup - I seeeeeee!!...I had no idea of the backstory to the question you asked last week. So jolly good for you.

This avo.

Wine, fresh peaches straight from the tree, cheese from the cheese pub, crackers, good conversation. Sunshine (just about). Lovely.

Wisey - you sound great! Purple flares - OMG!

Am v tired - have worked consecutive nights and been a sleepy bunny all day. Will catch up more tomorrow sometime!

Glad you sound so upbeat. I find I get a real buzz when I do DIY stuff - like I've really taken on the world!

X

Ah, pan you're post makes sense to me now!!!!!

Having some angry dreams in the run up to tomorrow. Good, need to be ice cold on the day, not fuelled by demons but pure, relentless, Fuck you PTM joy.

I just love the passion I am reading in your posts. Passion for life free of a dickhead - one who deserves a good pasting full and frank discussion in mediation.

Just read the 'small man with short legs' and now have this image of the full impact of the purple trousers in my head. . Put me off my muesli it has!!

good luck! Really hope you manage to kick his sorry butt into left field set out some full and frank dictates discussions about your financial separation. here's to resolution!

Also, don't forget to take a box of kleenex to throw at him consol him with when he goes off on one into his self piteous sob story engages in some sad reflection.

Thank you so much all of you. You know you'll be there, every one of you.

In therapy tonight decided to ditch the soul searching for some useful scenario's to put to PTM (I know - fucking flares for god's sake, if he's wearing them I won't be able to think straight, I'll take a sneaky pic and post it here).

So that's what i'm off to do now - some serious thinking and putting together of missiles proposals for tomorrow.

I'll be back to let you know.

Can't add anything else... MN power.
Don't they always say if you want to overcome something you're worried about you have to picture them naked .... u just have to picture them in flares - & it will be there right in front of you.
Good Luck for tomorrow

Ok, so the purple has got me thinking... just exactly what shade are we talking about here? I mean I could imagine some blokes could get away with it if the shade and style were in vogue. BUT ? the flares are not a good starting point, not even the shade of purple could save them. Did he buy them from ?I saw you coming...?

Anything veering towards the lavender are a no-no. Seventies aubergine (yes, my brother had a suit in this colour) might be OK at a fancy dress party. Plum tones could almost be wearable if his colouring complements it. Full-on purple would be a case for the taste police.

Could one of your proposals be that he goes to Specsavers?

Hey Wisey

My brow is furrowed as I send you good telepathic vibes for tomorrow's mediation AND tomorrow night! Betcha can't furrow your brow !!!

You know you have a huge following here on MN because you are so natural, so open, honest and funny and so fucking SMART. In short you are Wisey, pure and simple, a perfect name for a perfect lady.

So, tomorrow you will be drop dead gorgeous in mediation. You will be on top of your game and PTM will simply feel inadequate. You will wield your big swinging dick with your Wisey-force and PTM will feel so inadequate. In short you will be you and PTM will see YOU as he is starting to see you, which is as we do. He will be in awe and he will falter over his stupidity for not seeing that he had the woman of his dreams right under his nose and he let her go.

BUT you are the woman you are today because you are without PTM. Remember that. That fact is so important. Remember how you were and remember how you are. There is a reason for that difference.

You are finding out what YOU are like. Aren't you amazing? So tomorrow you will kick PTM's purple clad arse until it's ... purple.

An aubergine suit ??? LOL LOL LOL

An aubergine suit ??? LOL LOL LOL

Yes!! Slightly worse than the brown one he wore to his graduation!

Just catching up as can't sleep .

so sorry Minesa - HUGE congratulations on your forthcoming!!!

Yes, very purple by DD's account, very purple indeed (Specsavers - LOL)

BTW - Banker Man is, well,...........MARRIED. I'm not shocked, just you know, peeved that there are so many shites out there wanting to behave so fucking badly. Anyway, he's a gonner, obviously. How did I find out? Well, by now I'm good at spotting the signs from communication patterns and styles. There are loads of them, and now I know how PTM used to do it.

LBM isn't one of them, that's for sure. So we're set to go to the Globe sometime soon, he's on to it.

I feel quite calm about tomorrow (today). Somehow I've got to a place where I accept that it's going to be a struggle and I've been living almost as if on 'borrowed time' here. He simply can't go on forever paying all the mortgage and by now the guilt he might have been feeling before will be gone and he'll come out fighting I think. That's what I'm prepared for anyway.

DD has written me another letter to take into the room with me. it's beside me now but I won't read it until I get there. She's great isn't she? So, feeling down but not out IYSWIM. Just another night in the day of Wisey . x

Oh and thanks again. You're fab you lot, you really are.

Why are you up so late, lovey? I hope it goes well today. I will be there with you...from all the way here in Bris.

I get you re: the living on borrowed time. How long will ABCKF be willing to pay the rent here when he is setting himself up. And yeah..the guilt, such as it way, must be all gone.

Your DD is fantastic! All of children are just great considering what they must be feeling...oh yeah, they have us as their mothers..duh!

You are an amazing woman, Wisey..strong, clever, kind, wise and beautiful. A lovely lovely woman.

I spit on the flared purple trousered buffoon! Ptuii!

Hey drfay just couldn't sleep, been chasing it since about 3am.

Anyway I'm up now and getting ready for work.

Feel a bit edgy, bit shaky, but I know I can do it. Desperate to read DD's letter but won't until I'm there. I can see she planted a big lipsticky kiss on it though! Big notice ready for PTM when he enters the shed "you know what's yours in here, take it all and do it in one go".
have not trimmed the prickly hedge that grows in front of the passage to the shed so he'll have to pass it by numerous times, and it's chucked it down with rain so he'll arrive at mediation with (hopefully) scratches and soaking wet!

DD has unwittingly told him she's off school today so he's wanting to take her out and she doesn't want to go and said shall I tell him i've got things to do. I confess I've given up on that one so I said "oh just tell him whatever comes to mind, you don't have to see him if you don't want to". I'm past caring tbh whether he gets to see her or not and Im not going to make it happen.
So here goes, all. Wisey will do her best to put everything into action and kick some sorry sore purple little arsehole today.

And that arsehole is ringed with hemorrhoids. Throbbing hugely swollen purple ones...

Ewwww!

Sorry you have had a restless night - I suppose its all part of your natural instinct preparing you for the day ahead.

Who knows what he will bring to the table today but from what you have written, I truly get the impression that you are beyond worrying about it. For sure, its emotional to have to face him again and go through all of this, but your overall approach is soooo much stronger than previously. He really can't touch you emotionally. He might throw you off course for a wee while, but he is no longer part of your life and in a way, you are grieving for the man that used to be and the fact that he has done this spectacular U-turn. Its the gobsmacking callousness of his actions which can still hurt. Just keep walking away... and don't look back.

As for Banker Man - what a bastard. Phew, thank goodness your Wanker-Radar is fully functioning.

Good luck today and what a special girl you have brought up. You don't have to look far for the good things in your life. Its right under your nose. xx

Sorry you had a bad night.

Just wanted to quickly say good luck today. You sound like you are well prepared and ready though.

Remember to spoil yourself afterwards.

xx