After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

Hi, I'm fine, job is a slow starter, we don't go 'live' for another few weeks so there's alot of waiting around and networking to be done yet.

DD is good, has applied for a p/t job. She said "I think D is a bit strapped for cash He left his laptop out in the rain (I don't believe that) and had to buy a new one yesterday. He bought the cheapest one he could find, very unlike him"

Strapped for cash, hmm, quite possibly, and he's sold his expensive one. Either that or he was buying one for one of the NP's kids and didnt want DD to know that. See, I know what a lying fuckwit he is.

Therapist said yesterday how clear to her it is that PTM is still trying to keep his feet under the table with removing last bit of him in dragged out way.

She said that with narcissistic men this is what they do, having brought a woman to her knees they leave because 'she is too needy' (even though her neediness is his actually) and then find themselves in a wilderness whilst looking for the next 'victim', or as WWIFN used to say 'dumsel in distress' .

She also noticed a change in me - that I really have changed the rules of engagement with him. That in mediation next week he will try and bring my 'neediness' back by scaring me (prob about the job situation) but I now know and will name it in front of the mediator.

PTM is a lost cause. And he's a lost boy.

'Lost Boy' and 'BillyNoMates' to boot and by the looks of things having to 'buy laptops' to buy more friendship. Hey Ho !

And he's apparently coming to clear the rest of the shed next week before mediation - don't think I'll bother being here. Big notice on shed will though - "This time make sure you take all of it". He texted me today - "have you got my x cd? i've got the case but the cd is missing, DS bought it for my birthday". Er, no, but if it bothers you that much I'll buy you another - from next months child support (which incidentally he has arrears on and they're now taking it direct from his pay - he lost that one as well)

DD has only just realised he's not been back to work yet. Asked him why he wasn't at work yesterday "oh um, got a couple of days off". Liar. Tut tut. Still playing the old games PTM.

Better get on the same bus as me mate. you're in for a nasty surprise next week.

oh god, do i sound awful? I don't feel awful, I feel free, and happy at last.

You could never sound awful. You sound like you're on the money - smart and wise my lovely. You have got your shit together as they say.

He is being such a dick to DD, lying, living with (?) and buying stuff for OW's DCs.

I swear, if I ever bump into any man in purple trousers I will find it hard to be civil!

Hope mediation not too stressful. All behind you as ever. If you need a hit-woman give us a shout!

Am off on holiday tomorrow! Maybe when I next check in there'll be hot dating news (or, if not, at least hot new outfits)

Thank you Dozer! Well I don't know for sure but I do know PTM - he'd never leave his laptop out in the rain, its a pathetic lie.

Mediation will be more stressful for him than me. But as before I'll have you all with me, cut and pasted in my folder to read while listening to a whining sound like a mosquito which needs swatting.

Just checking in again - I read your thread every day in total awe of your bravery. Love your writing style too - you should write a novel!

Thank you! I've been doing alot of reading about Narcissistic men - unfortunately it would appear that PTM is one of those - no he definitely is one.

Horrifying really, that such 'adoration' of me was nothing to do with me at all and everything to do with his need. He ticks all the boxes apart from the out and out abusive and violent tendencies (although he did abuse me over the years in passive ways, I realise now).

Thank god I'm in therapy and can look at why I needed to get into and stay so long with someone who was so false. It doesn't make it less painful, in some ways it is more so - no conscience, no guilt, no empathy about his actions over the years and there's nothing I can do about that except what I've already done, and now to lay firm boundaries down.
That's how I have been able to let go of the idea that he and NP are a long term real life relationship. He'll be doing exactly the same with her.

Longboat Man isn't like that. He is clearly in no rush to get into anything 'complicated' and isn't declaring undying love or anything. Doesn't pay me loads of insincere compliments, but glances a bit shyly at me every now and then. There might be no pyrotechnics but I've had those and they fizzle out as soon as they're lit IME now. We'll see.

Thanks all. You're lovely.

Its good to see that you are finding time to reflect and start to understand what was going on in the relationship and refreshing to have met someone who displays the opposite tendencies. I know that I said that there needs to be fireworks, and yes, at some point I would say that?s essential. However, for me it was a slow burn (was very young) but was strangely attracted to my DH and we danced around each other for a while. But there was something that attracted me to him and when I realised I wanted to go out with him, it was pretty full on. He (sort of) admits the same thing himself.

So there has to be a spark, but it doesn?t matter if the fireworks don?t ignite until the right moment. Its different for everyone, so go at your own pace and enjoy the journey.

Oh Wisey - you sound so cool and I love the way you're one step ahead of PTM - he's completely snookered, silly sod.

I think it's part of us realising the way they really were, coupled with all the years spent with the twunts. I know Twunt's next moves too - and I'm at least one step ahead.

Please let my ES and BIL come down and dump all his stuff on his lawn at Disgracelands - and they'll even leave a copy of that CD he misses on top of the pile! - and an old lap top too!

When are you seeing LBM again?

Good evening. Hello to McNaughty again, nice to see you.

Saff your ES and BIL are welcome to come dump the stuff at Disgracelands because I'm now rethinking letting him come to the house when no-ones in. I have already told him months ago he couldn't come here unless someone is here to monitor him, even though it's only now to get his shit out. So once again, I'll ignore the message via DD about that and the shed will be locked. He'll have to arrange it with me at my convenience at mediation.

I've seen LBM tonight for an hour or so. He's come down to my neck of the woods with his DS camping for a couple of days. I stopped off on the way home to have a glass of wine at the site and met his DS, who is sweet. LBM was sweet also and much more relaxed than before, as I was. I kept stealing a little look at him to see if there are any 'stirings'. I'm not sure, but maybe I like him, he's got nice skin and looks younger than his age, he's lovely with his DS. I also found myself wondering what it would be like to kiss him - does that mean I fancy him?

We're going to The Globe to see some Shakespeare (very high brow) when he's found out what's on. Will look out for B&A skipping along looking fabulous!

Ooooooh. I like the sound of stealing a little look and wondering what it would be like to kiss him. I think there are indeed some green hippy shoots to go with that hippy dippy poncho you're getting ...

To quote the man of The Globe: Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind ... and your mind's a-wondering (that last bit's mine )

Wisey, can I ask, what is the mediation bit you mention? Is it to do with settlement?

I do like the way you sound...so strong and fiesty.

I need some of that. ABCKF is coming back on Sunday evening (not to stay just to see the two wonderful beings he had a part in but seems to have forgotten about completely )and I need to sort out when he can come and just clear out all his crap.

There is nearly 25 years of shite. Most of it his. If he doesn't clear it, I will get a skip and dump it there.

I am interested in your stirrings re: LBM. I am beginning to notice blokes around me. I still do not think I am ready for anything as I need to just focus on my job, the kids and myself. BUT...but...but....

You are an inspiration!

Good morning.

Thanks Sugar, B&A and drfay!

So, wonderings are maybe a good sign then. Well, I'll see if they're there today, as I'm going to hook up with LBM for a bit later before I play (and lose horrendously) poker with my poker buddies. And I won't act on them unless and until they grow into an urge I can't ignore - been there, done that, have had encounters I've regretted and I'm not at home to Mr Disappointment any more (a cause for celebration, one which shows I've grown in many ways).

Yesterday I went for dinner with colleagues from my last job. We went to a place where I first went with PTM in the very early days of our relationship. Alot about the place is the same. The lovely thing was I was able to enjoy their company, enjoy the atmosphere and only once did I look around and remember where we used to sit and drink loads of wine and gaze at each other.....and then I let it go. Places don't have the same meaning any more, I am not less of a person without being married, or married to PTM. Take heart B&A and drfay - the person I was 6 months ago would no way have imagined that I'd be anywhere near ready to hold my own like I do today.

drfay - mediation is about financial and property settlement. In the UK since April this year family law changed (as a money saving exercise for the legal system because the legal aid bill was huge in divorce and litigation). So sol's are mandated to press both parties into mediating to settle (unless there are grounds not to, like DV). The sol's role is to advise on the legalities and fairness - and to ultimately apply to the court for a first hearing if mediation breaks down. My sol is a member of Resolution and is also a Collaborative Lawyer so is especially interested in trying to reach a clean break with as little conflict as possible. But. He is also especially skilled in litigation and has seen the likes of PTM hundreds of times.

Personally I'd hate to work this field - what must it be like handling people's misery day after day?

Um, guess what?

Wisey has been asked out on another date! By someone who shall hereafter be referred to as Banker Man. Now this is a guy I do fancy, no question!!! Hurrah!!!!

And he's taking me to dinner next weds after i see PTM in mediation. Now, for mediation I already have my outfit planned. Very fitted and really classy suit with plain white but girly shirt. Fuck you PTM shoes, obviously. Big handbag with which to carry all my paperwork and nicely heavy enough to take a swing if need be.

After that I shall change into something suitably feminine for dinner at the restaraunt of my choice (he, of course, is travelling to me). Wisey is learning how to play the field, have fun and maximise opportunities for ravishing lavishing.

Ooooooh! What a nice bit of timing.

Banker Man has called just when you need him. My first thoughts when I read this was that your body language when you mediate with thrash PTM will be a full-on 'up yours mate' and he'll know it! hehe Great idea for the demure suit with the hint of femininty... PTM will be gutted when he sees you firing on all cylinders. The appropriately sized missile handbag just there to assert your position as a sucessful professional. Job done.

Have great fun working out what to wear in the evening. Sounds a though you could go looking like a sack of spuds and he wouldn't notice.

Here's to a great weekend.

Well, I booked a table at a lovely tapas restaraunt and texted him to let him know last night. Haven't heard back yet, so sitting on hands - will not, not, not text him again until he texts me or until Weds afternoon when I'll check to see if he's still up for it (dreads sitting in restaurant looking fab and nursing lone glass of wine..........).

Ooh Wisey. i know the Banker Man species very well - do keep your newly honed wits about you but have fun!! I was going to send you my unopened packet of 12 but Bicep Man texted back ... so I'll hang on to them thanks!!

Erm, have just purchased my own .

Oh poor PTM, fucking hell, I keep laughing at him.......!!!!!!!!

I. Keep. Laughing. At. Him.

It's over. The pain is gone.

Hear hear Sugar except I have lurked and not taken part