After divorce, trying to move on is like doing a square dance with both feet tied together. Update.

[Wisedupwoman]

First came to MN (a life-saver) in March:

Then DH, now XH (very quick divorce) was into second OW which I found out through his deceitful, sloppy and disgusting attempts to take the cowards way out. Could not believe the man I loved for 20 years had spent 4 years lying and cheating his way through life and who then went on to try and manipulate all our DC's (and still is, divorce doesn't change anything).

We are now into mediation, I have a sol who is waiting in the wings to advise on settlements. I have, despite all the turmoil, secured a better job on higher salary and our DD has a place at 6th form. XH has been living with OW since he left, and I went no contact within 2 weeks of his leaving. He hates this as he is unable to control the situation so interrogates DC's - my adult DS's have cut him out, yet XH still tries with eldest DS, who finds it hard not to feel sorry for XH despite his awful behaviour. All our friends have cut XH out, none of them liked him it turns out and his colleagues have long called XH 'the artful dodger'. So this was a man who led a double life and I have been trying to come to terms with this and move on.

This thread is about that - trying to move on and deal with the reality that whilst I am trying to hold my chin up and tits out, XH is going to be a part of my life through our DD whether I like it or not.

I want to give my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who has thus far been so wonderful and unstinting in their MN support for me - who have walked the journey with me even in the midst of their own sadness.

WOW!

Huge round of applause for DD, that's fantastic news!

Congratulations!

And congrats to you too. She's a wisey-in-waiting.

(Will not be buying a hat as have been spending time in feminism section recently and disapprove of discussion of DD's potential marriage partners - someone with 16 GCSEs has the world as her oyster! Also think that saffy's ES is taken, sadly!)

PTM is just a silly moaning minnie.

can you believe it? he turns up with a small saloon car to collect years worth of shit. and now i am told he'll need a full day to clear the shed.

W.T.F.?

Classic!

It'd take him much longer than a day to clear up all the years-worth of his shit of other kinds!

Maybe - assuming one of those GCSEs is in maths - dd can teach him some basic geometry/volume!

Hi

Just catching up after a few nights working...am a tired bunny.

Well done on DD's results - that's great news. My DD got good grades too, and achieved more than she needed for her 6th form 1st choice, which is great.

I shall text ES (he's at Reading Festival) and tell him to dump the gorgeous lady he's besotted with, because we have a match made in heaven via Mumsnet!

Of course PTM needs more than 1 trip to collect the shed shit. Twunt needed 3 trips yesterday to deliver tickets that he'd bought for Reading for ES1 (as a well done on getting into Cambridge) and for ES's soon to be dumped girlfriend. He brought tickets. Then went home. Then returned with the coach tickets (yes, really). Then went home. Then returned later with spending money, and a couple of holdalls. I was very impressive, I was cool, detached and managed to do the icy stare without a flicker of emotion. All the time whilst cooking roast dinner for the kids (who were sniffing the air like the bisto kids). He hung around like a bad smell, got ignored by all the cats, other than Otis who true to form peed up his back wheel. Twunt slunk off home, hopefully to a pot noodle and Otis got roast chicken.

Lets hear it for intelligent kitties! i love my cats i do.

Saffy, that's another classic scene, one could almost feel sorry for him, smelling the lovely family roast, but only for a second! How impressive that you were cooking roast dinner having been working nights. Well done to your DD, that's great.

Wisey, get practising the icy stare!

Am trying to, I really am!

Saff it's really upsetting for DD. I was on the receiving end of some of her anxiety and frustration that her D couldn't fit it all in, didn't know what to take and what to leave etc even though I told her I had been very clear about having removed all the stuff I wanted to keep first. I don't think I could've been more explicit with him really.

It feels like he is not listening to me about wanting to minimise the contact between us, now he's got to come back again with a vehicle large enough to take the rest away. He could've come in the big people carrier of OW but he came in the old jalopy he's bought - it hurts actually. DD kept saying "you still care about him, look at the way you're dressed, you do still care". But I didn't see him and he didn't see me, I kept out of the way. I think she wants me to care about him but at the same time doesn't want me to iyswim.

I can't afford to let myself do that, I have to stay resolved and strong but it's so fucking hard with DD putting herself in between us.

Just been into the shed. He'd left some stuff of mine that got mixed up with his. It's the most horrible thing to know that someone who I spent so long loving is gone.

have some .

Of course he isn't listening about minimising contact etc. He has never respected that and probably never will. But you've been managing that whole thing really well.

He'll get the shed stuff out eventually, and given the state of his life at the mo and lack of thought for anyone else it'll be done in a rubbish, bitty way, but it WILL be done, and that's one more step.

Poor DD, sounds like she's understandably all mixed up. But she's also being naughty with that comment about your caring - DD knows that everyone wants to look their best when seeing an ex! And that feelings are more complicated than just wanting or not wanting someone. The best lesson for her to learn is that even when you loved - and maybe still love - someone very much, there are things that just can't be sorted out - e.g. terrible treatment, affairs etc. - and that, painfully, you then need to move on.

If he messes around too much, maybe even set a reasonable deadline by which it must be gone, after which you'll dump it somewhere (maybe saffy's burly ES could help, and be introduced to DD at the same time!)

Another good lesson for DD is that decisions over what to take etc and how to fit it in are solely her dad's problem (as an adult, and owner of said stuff) and not actually anything to do with you, her or anyone else!

Morning Wisey. I've been watching your threads for ages and never posted (I take so long agonising over writing and re-writing a post, I often don't bother!).

But you had some great words of comfort for me a few months back and your last post just struck a nerve with me - like you, I'm doing OK a lot of the time, but the bad days are still such torture. Even though you know you're getting over it and that things will get better, and are getting better...

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you. And that your story and all the amazing mners that have supported you and given you great advice have been a lifeline to me too (and no doubt to a great many fellow lurkers!) and have seen me through some very dark times.

So chin up wonderful lady

congratulations to your DD - though I assume the number 16 refers to the number of modules / exams taken and their grades, not actual distinct GCSE subjects :-)

Does she know what she wants to do for A levels yet?

Thank you Dozer I'm still sitting here, now with and i really need to get myself going, I'm going to a wedding and singing the bride up the aisle with the choir........

DD said he's asked to speak to me, probably about the shed but she said no. Im glad she said no because it would have started about the shed and then gone on to other stuff.

It will be bitty, that's how he is, all over the place. And I will follow your suggestion and give him a deadline to get it all out even if I have to list it all for him so he can't be in any doubt about what to take. But I won't now contact him again until we meet in mediation on the 7th, I think it doesn't look like I mean what I say to break no contact when I imposed it in the first place.

Thanks for saying it's normal for me to want to look my best, I was beginning to doubt my motives there for a bit. And I do look good now, better than for a long time.

i hope the sun comes out today, not much fun singing in the rain with a heavy heart!!!!

congratulations to your DD - though I assume the number 16 refers to the number of modules / exams taken and their grades, not actual distinct GCSE subjects :-)

why?

Just caught up, Big Congrats to DD,thats brilliant news!

Can you just clarify a point for me here,just trying to understand things for me (& other lurkers) - you are divorced but you have yet to go to mediation - don't you have to do that as part of the divorce now anyway? & you still have the financial stuff to sort out yet, so there is still going to be lots of hand holding required yet?

& did you give him all the shed stuff... or did you keep a large spade to thwack him round the head with in 3 years time when you have so totally moved on?

Wisey - I'm sure you sang beautifully today.

Of course it's annoying that he didn't pick all his stuff up - but please try and rise above his silly games. That's what I have to do - like about the tickets the other night.

It's ok to dress up too (I don't - wouldn't occur to me, when twunt came round the other night I was just up after catching a few hours sleep, and was wearing my Eeyore PJs and no make-up unwashed hair...didn't give it a thought. You will get to this stage too - you really will. We all move at different speeds.

Tell DD that you are fine, moving on, and that her dad will get his stuff out when it suits him, and really it doesn't matter at all. Because it doesn't. It's annoying - but that's all - a minor irritation. Like piles. (Well not really, but a pain in the bum).

X

Wisey I'll second what Saffysmum says and rise above his silly games. It is a typical male way of dragging things out .......... especially if they are losing ............. and lets face it .............. he is losing it.

BTW CONGRATULATIONS to your lovely daughter on her exam results. You should be so so proud.

Hope all you lovely ladies have a lovely weekend. Take care all xx

Lovely wedding, songs were beautiful and so, so well chosen (by the Bride, not me it was all about her after all!)

Lovely, just lovely to see two people whom I care deeply about making such a touching and lasting commitment to each other. DD was there as a waitress and got loads of compliments and congrats about this and her fab achievement - I am now instructed to stop telling anyone within earshot .

As for the piles, well the best thing to do is shrink them so they don't irritate anymore. Every time I hear someone express surprise and shock at my news (as I did from RL friends who I haven't seen for a while) it's the same thing - "my god Wisey, what an absolutely fucked up man PTM has become, what a huge loss he has had in running away, but not for you. We were friends with you both because it was you who we were drawn to, you who were the sound, together partner whilst ptm always struck us as troubled and ill at ease". This feedback is like applying germaloids great dollops of it to the irritation.

I also told everyone about Longboat Man, it's time I went public with my dating intentions. Loads of positive strokes and admiration from my male and female mates. So it is all moving in the right direction for me if a bit bumpy sometimes.
Thanks for your posts you lovely lot. Now I have to tend to a small hangover and aching feet from all the dancing with wild abandon I did yesterday

Lol at piles metaphor!

Is great that your aquiantances (?) like you and didn't like ptm, must be gratifying! Shame we can't attach audioclips so could hear the singing!

Where is chips?

Am having this eve, is dd2's first birthday, and stupidly spent whole day running around hosting the in-laws. FIL is of the PTM/lycraman ilk, but 20 years on. Harmless (most of time) but tiresome. Is weird, but I often have the urge to try to "save" him somehow, from himself. And hold out the hope that he'll see the light, become a better father and make amends somehow. Obviously resist these thoughts, as doubt he will change, which is sad for dh.

Have a good bank holiday weekend wisey et al!

Aww, Happy Birthday Dozer's DD2. OOohhh they're so lovely and chubby and munchable when they're that age.

Damn that purple trouser and lycra thing, it's like the creeping death. should be the first sign of 'mid-life twuntiness' and shoud be diagnosable as such. Although what would you replace it with? Beige everything? Nooooooo.......

Chips is around. She will go public when she can. I know this
Am now well into but will be goin to sleep soon. Actually going to sleep right now.zzzzz..zz.

Just want to give my continued thanks to you all. I've been re-reading your messages and feeling very comforted and validated.

DD asked to see PTM tomorrow. It's a no, apparently it'll take him 3 hours to do the drive here and then back. Bollox will it. She knows he's lying, and really he's punishing her for feeling ill each time she is due to see him. So he's withdrawing further and further away. Lovely man, great D, super-honest and full of integrity (his favourite word to describe himself). The only way i'm able to contain my fury and despair is to read your posts, remember them when I'm talking with her and calm the situation.

It's beginning to dawn on me that he may well give up trying to stay in touch - I read somewhere that many absent D's try initially to keep the contact going but it diminishes and stops after a few months. Whilst when angry that's exactly what I want, it would be a massive shame if that happens, they'll both lose such alot. I see that my role is to try and encourage contact to happen, not to take responsibility for it but you know, make it easier for them. He does love her, of that I have absolutely no doubt. But he is really, really, not in a good place and needs to sort himself out.

Chips had something very wise to say - that when I'm merely rolling my eyes at whatever comes my way from him, i'll know I'm through and out the other side. Right now can only manage a squinty glazed look. But it's a start!

Thanks all.