The affair

[letthembe]

So 72 hours my DH of 10 years admits to having an affair!! A colleague, a fucking colleague that has been to our house, I have welcomed the fucking little whore into our home. Anyway, the background: my mum died about 2 years ago, then I supported my brother who was stabbed by his gay lover, then I supoorted my alclholic friend who eventually died a ago. So fast forward to Wednesday this week when my DH confessed to having an affair (I really didn't not know). I now feel a bit foolish because I said it he was fine to go to gigs with this bitch as realy did not think anything would happen. However, it did. Marriage is fucking hard...a few years ago I was growing close to one of my co-worker but I pulled away. My DH and I have a long hard chat, in fact many long chats, and we have cleared one hell of a lot foggy air. I forgive (crazy I maybe) but I love him and truly believe he loves me. He stop the affair. I have told him, and he accepts that it will take me a bloody long time to truly trust him again.
Oh god, it's crazy but sinking so low has truly made me realise how bloody much I love him, want and need him.
Oh shit, now finished my bottle of wine. We have just spent the best 72 hours reconnecting. Fuck the little leazy whore.

Oh and I could so have her in a fight!!! My DH also agreed with this earlier in the evening. The little things.

letthembe, just let your emotions come - don't try and fight them or try and be brave in any of this. I will tell you now, even as you both work through this that you will be raw for ages. And even when you think you feel fine months down the line, out of the blue you will have moments where that hurt comes flooding back. You never fully heal, and you definitely don't forget but if you both want it you can forgive and come out of it with a much stronger relationship.

and i should say however much you want to smash the little whore's face in, please don't - be the better person and just calmly let her know that you know what she's been doing with your husband, and could she kindly fuck off now'

Oh god, I would never even approach the little whore...only with decorum and dignity and my DH fully knows this. I have written a very classy letter to her, but not posted it yet. But one day I also hope to thank her, the whole sordid affair has made me realise how much I love my DH. I am just not that type of person (far too much self-control) but if we were ever to bump into her I would just have to say something, articulate and cutting. I AM READY!!!
I also know we are both ready to the hard work.

Your OH should cut all ties with the OW and make an effort with you and your farmily. If he doesn't you known where the door is.

He has stop everything with The Bitch, and we have done more as a family and as a couple in the last week that in quite a while. Everything has clicked into place for me, I have had a shite few years, been distant and fucking awful if I'm honest. The bitch filled a gap, he's admitted this. He has been very honest. Perhaps I am being overly optimistic but that's my major personality flaw with everything. The bitch hates him, he has told me about the texts. God why did we let it get to this point.
The bitch is 17 years younger than him and 13 years than me - should I be worried. BUT is am the mother of his children.

I hate OW, I hate affairs and I loathe betrayal.

It's great that you can say that you love your H that you are prepared to forgive, and yes, she has been to your home accepted your hospitality and still shagged your H.

HOWEVER - don't ever lose sight on who REALLY betrayed you here. She made no promises to you, did she? she is not with you for better or for worse, forsaking all others, is she?

To successfully get past this, your H has to take FULL responsibility, for his betrayal of you and your family. he has to sever all contact, be totally open, transparent and understand that your trust will take a VERY long time to rebuild, and ONLY if he does what he says he will do, is where he says he will be, calls when he says he will, allows open access to his phone and his email etc, and recognises that you WILL rant at him, get pissed off and accusatory from time to time, but that HE deserves it.

You need to stop focussing on the OW and focus 100% on your relationship, and your H has to focus 100% on winning you and your trust back. And yes, he will have to eat shit for some time to come.

Calling her a whore is one thing, understandable, those that sleep with other women's husbands deserve much of the anger they get but never forget that she had, at best, a very willing accomplice, or at worse, he pursued HER....

Oh and FGS, stop blaming yourself, he agreed to marry you for better and for worse, not for better and if it gets tough stick your dick in the nearest willing fanny.

he could have devoted all the time it took to shag her towards sitting down with YOU and explaining how HER felt. His blaming his betrayal on RL heavy events is SHIT and a massive cop-out.

He pulled the wool over your eyes for so long, don't let him re-write history and continue to bamboozle you with BS.

HE not HER...

Sorry to say this OP but as far as I can see, short of making you walk around with a large sign on your head saying I AM A STUPID, NAIVE MUG I'm not sure what else your partner could do to force his message home.

Wow lucky man. He shags around and then is treated by a loving wife and the best weekends for ages. Because he has been honest....... Where as she is the evil bitch whore from hell. I get that you are angry with her and why.

Your H knew as well as she did that he was fucking her when she was invited into your house yet he allowed it.

Your H was happy to go to gigs with her while shagging her.

He is 100% guilty and responsible for sticking his cock inside. He is 100% guilty of lying to you. He is 100% guilty for cheating on you.

If it is over and she hates him and he has shown you the texts he probably only confessed because she threatened to tell

Sorry you are going through this. Don't let your anger towards her blind you to who actually did the dirty to you.

And please get yourself a complete screening at an STi clinic

I am THE eternal optimist!! Always have been, always will be. And I do blame the Little Whore (as I have now renamed her). However, her naveity and lack of understanding of real relationships is quite overwhelming (taking moral high ground all the way). He hasn't blamed anything on me, I have.

Oh god, I could so take the moral high ground in court. And I would!

I completely agree wiht herhissyniss and Xales. You are directing all your pain and anger at the wrong target, because that feels safer than directing it where it belongs. The OW is irrelevant. Focusing on her and calling her mysogynist names, takes the heat off the person you should be focusing on here - your DH.

He's getting off scott free, isn't he? He hasn't taken any responsbility for his affair. And I hate to say it, but if he doesn't, then you're not really working through why the affair happened (and thus making your marriage stronger), but just papering over the cracks. Sorry.

So, OP, if she is a whore what is your partner?

OP- sorry you are going through this. I understand you're angry but don't get why ALL your anger seems directed at the OW? She made you no promises, she did not have children and a life with you, she doesn't claim to love you, she has no relationship with you and to be blunt she owes you nothing.

Your H is the one who made you promises, fathered your children, claims to love you and whom has betrayed you, yet he seems to be being rewarded for being "honest"?

I don't get it?

Why are you blaming her and not him?

She owes nothing to you, he did. HE let YOU down, not her.

By all means be mad at her, but HE is the one who you are married to, and who cheated on you. She didnt cheat on you.

he's taken responsibility for the affair. And I know I quite enjoy calling the OW a Fucking Whore and I will continue to do so. He has been a broken man recently - he really feels the guilt and wants to make things work. I am allowed to hate this woman and this is so out of character for me - I never hate anyone.
Oh shit what should I do?
There is still something between DH and I, which we have both recognised? Have any you experienced this? Or are you just judging me from a moral high ground ( I would have done a few months ago, but life is not black and white!)

I am not judging you at all, I think you are being way too forgiving too quickly though.

I don't think anyone is judging you. Why would they? You are the one who as been betrayed. The OW is not the person who betrayed you though! Apart from on breaking some intangible sisterhood and not having a decent moral don't fuck with married men basis.

All I am saying is that you are pouring bile and vitrol at this woman where as your H is a poor broken man who feels very guilty.

There are plenty of women on here who have taken back their H after affairs. I hope some of them will come along to help you out.

To just forgive your H after 72 hours and go there there you poor thing isn't the way to cure whatever was wrong in your relationship to make him feel he had the right to do this to you though.

Good luck.

I am sure he is telling you how sorry he is, and how guilty he feels, but think just this one thing, not long ago he was sleeping with someone else and you didnt know he was lying then.. he is telling you exactly what you want to hear right now, but trust me, take his words with a pinch of salt, and make him work at getting your forgiveness a little bit harder and a lot lot longer..

It sounds like it was a terrible shock. It's fantastic to read that your relationship with your DH is so deep, strong and positive that you can overcome this and move on together. You've haven't given a lot of detail but it sounds like his attraction to the OW was basically just about shagging. In which case, being a man, it probably didn't mean very much to him anyway.

Pity you don't hate his guts enough to satisfy the mumsnet bloodlust, but probably better for you this way.

I forgive BUT don't trust, if that makes sense.

I hate her, she knows me, I would never hound a married men, never have and never would! Men are the weaker sex. I hate her!! Why not my DH?

I have been where you are. And I was also so angry with the OW, blamed her, called her names, it was all her fault. And my Xh (becuase yes he is now and ex :)), was only too happy to join in blaming and insulting her.
It took me a very long time to realise she was as much as a victim as I was (I still have no time for her, or any OW), but it was XH that was the dick, the liar, the cheat, the betrayer.
Take some time, you are doing this all too quickly. And best of luck, I suspect you will need it.

Thanks confidence, DH and I have talked long and hard the last few days, it is has always been a deep attraction and strong attachment. Affairs happen for many reasons and the victim is sometimes to blame as well, in a round about way.

Hey, if he goes back to the fucking whore, I will win the moral high ground.

I'm so sorry your DH is putting you through this.

You are only getting his side of the affair so don't forgive to quickly, has he told you she instigated it, chased him. Did he admit to the "my wife doesn't understand me"?

We all have choices in life, a choice to commit to marriage & a choice to have an affair.

Your DH chose to have an affair.