The affair

[letthembe]

So 72 hours my DH of 10 years admits to having an affair!! A colleague, a fucking colleague that has been to our house, I have welcomed the fucking little whore into our home. Anyway, the background: my mum died about 2 years ago, then I supported my brother who was stabbed by his gay lover, then I supoorted my alclholic friend who eventually died a ago. So fast forward to Wednesday this week when my DH confessed to having an affair (I really didn't not know). I now feel a bit foolish because I said it he was fine to go to gigs with this bitch as realy did not think anything would happen. However, it did. Marriage is fucking hard...a few years ago I was growing close to one of my co-worker but I pulled away. My DH and I have a long hard chat, in fact many long chats, and we have cleared one hell of a lot foggy air. I forgive (crazy I maybe) but I love him and truly believe he loves me. He stop the affair. I have told him, and he accepts that it will take me a bloody long time to truly trust him again.
Oh god, it's crazy but sinking so low has truly made me realise how bloody much I love him, want and need him.
Oh shit, now finished my bottle of wine. We have just spent the best 72 hours reconnecting. Fuck the little leazy whore.

Lethembe - as others have said, you will go through a whole range of emotions regarding your dh's affair over the coming weeks, months, years even. I would suggest you are currently in a state of denial (hence directing all your anger at the ow) and also what is sometimes referred to as 'hysterical bonding'. The latter involves you and your dh reaffirming your love for one another and it can be extremely intense and powerful - so much so that it drives out the other issues which need to be addressed. But go with it - it's very important that you do both reaffirm what you mean to each other and rediscover what you may have lost - and still may lose.

It is almost impossible in your situation not to direct such venom towards the ow. For months after the discovery of my dh's affair, I kept saying that if I could kill her and get away with it I wouldn't hesitate for one second. Like you, I experienced loads of comments on here about my anger being misdirected. But I think it's such a huge shock to discover that the person you love has done such a dreadful thing, misdirecting the anger is a coping mechanism. Directing it to the right place is just a step too far and too difficult to do immediately after discovery. You will get there though!

Carry on blaming the ow by all means, but by blaming her alone you are letting your dh off the hook. And by letting him off the hook you are colluding in him not facing up to what he did, and more importantly WHY. AND BY DOING THAT YOU ARE MAKING IT POSSIBLE FOR HIM TO REPEAT HIS MISTAKE. Until he knows why he behaved the way he did there is nothing to stop him doing it again. Why wouldn't he? "I had an affair and it wasn't my fault it was the ow's. Lethembe didn't blame me for what happened....I can do it again and she'll forgive me again... " A very wise doctor said to me and dh that there is never one reason why these things happen, there would probably be half a dozen - and she got us to list them. Your dh needs to do this and to acknowledge what his vulnerabilities are. My dh on discovery used as his defence things like, "she made me - she wore me down"; "x says any bloke offered it on a plate like I was would have accepted.." You and he both need to accept that HE had a choice and work out what it was that made him put his own desires above his love for you and your family.

Only a few tears today. I still don't feel the anger. I don't solely blame the OW. We are starting to talk things through but it will take time. I hate how I feel at the moment - I completely and utterly ache. I'm exhausted. If only I could see into the future. No wine tonight!!

Apologies, I misread your last post

Really agree that by being so supportive now, you are giving him the green light to do this for years to come. He will just think "she forgave me once, she'll forgive again" and this could go on and on (I speak from experience). Don't win the short term battle of keeping your man, only to lose the longer term war of an honest marriage and the ability to love with your whole heart and without reservation and resentment. I'm not sure what you can do, but certainly blaming the OW and letting him off the hook are not the answer.

There are no rights or wrongs in dealing with this situation!! Everyone is different .....

Llethembe - I feel for you. I went through it too, I suspected my XH was having an affair, he denied it. I later found evidence to prove he was lying. Its the lies that hurt me - if he'd admitted it maybe things would have been different. I was scared whether I could make it on my own with our 1 year DS - financially manage,what would people say, was I a failure etc.

I thought to the future and whether I'd be able to trust him again - whether I'd wonder everytime he went out if he was telling me the truth. Personally I couldn't put myself through any more hurt and didn't respect him any more.

BUT every case is different - you need to give yourself time to think before you come to a decision and he needs to know what hes putting you through and its not cut and dried yet.

There are plenty of women on here who have taken back their H after affairs.

I'm one of those letthembe

A colleague. Been to my house. Played with our DD. Weekends away with H 'training'. Found texts between them 'i love you too'. hundreds of mobile calls between them.

But of course she was just 'a friend', a flaky woman who H was being kind to. Nice.

Took him back, he was distraught. I was distraught. He always denied it was an affair, just a close friendship that got out of hand. I never got over it, but took him back.

Today, 4 years later, we are divorced. The second OW surfaced last year it turns out. An old flame from over 20 years ago. Our entire family is devastated and relationships are in ruins all round.

I let him off the hook letthembe. I blamed the first OW and ignored all the obvious behaviour of my then DH, even the text from her which said "stop hassling me, I'll ring when I get back to London". I still remember it verbatim.

So what I'm telling you, is like all the others here. Focus on her and you'll neglect your H's appalling betrayal at your peril if you want to save your marriage. Focus on you and blaming yourself, you also do at your peril.
Focus on him and how he came to give himself permission to open the door to OW is perilous*, but the truth doesn't always have to be kind.

it only needs to be real.
Sorry.

One week on... on the pain is unbelievable. Anger comes and goes - but I am just not an angry person, it's counter productive. One thing I find the hardest is he has stolen my sense of trust, I trust people, I trust people so readily, as I believe in the goodness of humankind. I find the positives in any situation, any person - the eternal optimist. I want to e-mail the OW - nothing aggressive but I want her to know the pain I am suffering, hope one day she truly understands the part she has paid (especially if she ever becomes a mother herself) and also reassure her that I am not going to be some crazy screaming demonic woman. I might even thank her for helping me loose weight - I call it The I've Just Been Told He's Had An Affair Diet - bloody effective, but has emotionally side affects.
He admitted it was affair, taken all responsibility etc.etc. Answers all my questions with honesty, I know it's honesty because of the pain. We are trying, what is so bloody wrong with that? We are both creative people, I like to make, paint, poetry etc and he like to write. We are using these unusual processes as a cathartic exercise to truly understand the situation and how we got to this point. And yes it is how we, he might have had the affair, but I know my own relationship and I have to say a tiny fragment of blame does rest with me.

At the moment it is Pandora's Box, all the evil and devastation has been let out, but there is that chink of light...a little hope.

I find the pessimism on here a little corrosive to my chink of light at the moment, so I may have to look elsewhere. There must be some success stories out there.

Hey there, I am hoping to be one of those success stories.

I know the feelings you have described so well - the pain took me by surprise and it was just like when my dad died suddenly, very physical. I lost a stone (but have put some of it back which I am pleased about as I am already petite) as I just could not eat or sleep.

Three months on, H and I are getting on really well although I still have the occasional bad day but I am now really feeling positive about our future. However, our marriage is now very different as we are making a lot of changes and H has had to address a lot of personal issues and counselling has enabled us to begin moving on.

I will never have the same blind trust in H - looking back I can't believe how naive I was about allowing him to socialise in unsuitable circles and how I allowed him to get away with so much. He is very aware that if he shows any signs of having an unsuitable friendship/affair he will be kicked out.

Why do you want to assure her that you're not going to become a "crazy, screaming, demonic woman"?

Thanks MadAboutHotChoc, you do give me hope, that's all I want a few success stories. We were talking this morning how we had fallen out of love but never stopping loving each other - if this makes sense. We are thinking about where it went wrong and how it can be changed. Proud of myself today - managed to eat something. And just like you, my body is reacting the same way as when my mum died.

SheCutOffTheirTails - I want to reassure her, because ultimately I am a good person and I wouldn't want anyone worrying that I was going to harm them. She is quite a young twenty-something, not worldly-wise, idealistic and probably believes the Hollywood version of life and affairs. She had asked my DH for commitment, I asked him this morning if she had been ready to commit to being a step-mother to two children. He said she wouldn't have even of thought about this - see just so young and lacking in life experience.

My main niggling doubt at the back of my mind are these words, 'it was like a drug, an addiction' - is this a weird way for my DH to describe the affair?

Like madabouthotchoc i am three months on from discovering dh's affair. I am mostly positive about our future, though have bad days like today when i worry he'll do it again. We are better together than we were before his affair, i suppose it was a wake up call for our marriage. the other thought i have is that i will never have the same blind trust in any man ever again should we end up divorcing, especially now knowing the statistics! We do both love each other dearly and want to get over this and stay together forever for us and for our three kids. There is a book by andrew g marshall which you might find helpful, 'how can i ever trust you again'. There is also the shirley glass book, though my dh didn't find it so helpful, i found it the only book that addressed my feelings and his individual responsibility. good luck.

Thanks mollynp I have just ordered that Shirley Glass book. I hope it arrives soon. I have marked on the calendar numbers counting up the days from last wednesday, I call it PA (Post Affair) - this made us laugh! Little steps!! Your emotion and situation again mirrors mine. We have spent more time talking about us, doing things together as a whole family and planning to do things as a couple in the last week than we had done for months and months - like you say a wake up call, well that's the way we are treating it.

Letthembe - have you asked your DH why he gave himself permission to have an affair? I understand you want to move on and rescue your relationship, but until you both understand why he was vulnerable to an affair, you run the risk of him doing the same thing again.

There are lots of 'success stories' on here, but I don't think any of us will have got to where we are today by adopting your approach. You say your dh described his affair as an addiction. What steps is he taking to stop himself falling off the wagon again? Words and promises are not enough. If someone you loved told you they had been addicted to drugs rather than illicit sex but they promised they weren't going to take them again would you just say, 'ok' and continue your relationship as before? Or would you try and work with them to help them understand what had led them to take the drugs in the first place and therefore what they could do to avoid being tempted to take them again? Helping your dh understand what his vulnerabilities were/are, dealing with them and affair-proofing your marriage can be a long and painful process but a necessary one I'm afraid.

What Catwalker has said is spot on - the Shirley Glass book should help with this.

I would also stop focusing on the other woman, you owe her nothing.

Instead you need to focus on you and your H, why he had the affair, what made him so vulnerable etc. This will be a painful process for him (my H had to address personal issues, address his character flaws and remember all the things he said and did that were so out of character during the affair in order to give him permission to continue with the affair) but until he has done this, the likelihood of him doing it again is high.

The reality of it all has finally sunk in. It's one hell of a Pandora's Box! We are talking about everything - especially what made him vulnerable in the first place. We have both been very honest about a lot of things. We are finding time to do things together. Still a bit concerned about my lack of appetite, I'm not overweight to begin with.

He has cut all ties, taken down his facebook page, etc. etc. He is being honest. He does accept responsibility for it all.

I think I have focussed on the OW because I knew who it was, I actually kind of liked her. She is a pretty good person. I think one day when she will mature enough to realise the true consequences of her actions and this will drag all the pain back, by which time I should be a lot further down the line!
I want this foggy darkness of uncertainty to lift.

When will I feel normal or even normalish again? Do I need to see a doctor? When will my waking thoughts not be clogged my this nightmare?

Not for a while - it will pass eventually though.

Do see a Dr if you feel you need to. Are you talking to anyone? Are you taking time out for yourself? Hope you are being kind to yourself...

Hi, just a quick response...know how you feel exactly. Three months in and 6 Relate sessions later, I'm doing so much better than at the beginning. Still have moments of course and no, I do not trust DH yet, that will take a while to re-build. But 'IT' no longer occupies my mind every waking moment and hours go by without me thinking about it. Have a real life confidente you can turn to and who will just listen to you without judging you or your husband. Find fun stuff to do for yourself and make time for the two of you to go out together and do something. Find something active to do together, not something like a meal where you just sit and talk, hard not to fall back on the same subject in that situation...

First time posting, but I really wanted to share this with you.

My situation is very similar to yours but I?m nine months on, I also went through a really crap year before it happened, two extremely close bereavements less than a month apart, work not going well, my head all over the place feeling sorry for myself and grieving. I always thought that DH & I had the most solid of relationships and would be together forever.

When I found out (through snooping after I suspected) he confessed everything, took full responsibility, admitted he was a complete dickhead for doing it especially when I was so low. However, nine months on we are better than ever, sex life is great, I love him as a friend again. We both saw it as a wake up call and started trying to date again. I never told anyone about it, I never kicked him out of the house or took space away from him, instead we spent every possible moment together talking, reminding ourselves that we were once best friends who let hustle and bustle of life start to separate. I disagree with so many comments that are often posted on these forums. Sometimes there can be a simple reason ? he was lonely and lost trying to look after me, someone handed him and his big ego a simple easy way of getting affection and he never thought to look at the consequences. I still get angry every now and then and scream at him, his answer when it happens is that he?s sorry and accepts everything I throw at him. He accepts that he deserves it and says he will take anything for us to move forward, at the pace I want.

I also blame OW, I know her and I?m constantly say that I hate her. I don?t really but its my way of dealing with everything and blaming someone. I wrote her an email explaining exactly how I felt about her, how I wonder what made her think that he was hers to take. I told her everything about the pain and devastation she had caused. However instead of emailing it onto her I sent it to DH for him to read. He said it gave him an insight better than any spoken words could have done. The reason I haven?t sent anything to her is that in my mind I can call her every name under the sun, outside I?ve remained dignified.

You can do this, you can move forward, but not until you accept that your DH is not perfect. He made a mistake, a big one granted, but he thought that this was something that you would never know about and therefore never hurt you. He was stupid, egotistical and big headed in thinking he could get away with it. But I don?t believe it means he doesn?t love you, want to be with you, or think you are the most beautiful woman in the world.

Sorry long post!! Basically try to find your friend again, tell him when you find it hard to keep going and see where you can have fun in your life again?? take care?

wow, nikita, hear hear! this is one of the most inspiring posts I have read on here, and I have lurked for a long time.
I have also been through this experience, hating the OW helps even if it doesn't really make sense, and I agree with everything you say about H - don't feel like calling mine DH at the moment.
(but btw don't be nice to me as I have recently admitted to being the OW, long time ago, but nevertheless, on this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1279589-H-has-been-fucking-someone-else )

Oh thankyou nikita, thank you, thank you, thank you this is the kind of positive post I needed. My DH has accepted full responsibility, admits he's been an idiot, knows he wouldn't be happy away from us and that the OW would never understand him the way I do. We are currently reconnecting spending more time together as a family and a couple - just watching TV together and chatting about the programme (sounds simple but we hadn't done enough in the last few months). We try not to talk about the affair all the time but accept it will take months to get there. But we are enjoying each other again - we've missed each other (something we said to each other). Friday night we are going out and one day next week - child free. I keep telling myself slow steady steps. Today we had a lovely day out with a couple of other families. I didn't even think about the affair for a couple of hours - bliss. I have told my best friend from uni about the affair (no one else) she has known us both for so long and is not at all judgmental and because she lives a couple of hours away there is also some distance which i feel more comfortable with. I haven't contacted the OW, I don't think I would, but I would speak to her if I saw her in the street, but with dignity.

I just don't like waking up thinking about it and I don't like it when I find tears trickling down my face. It's just not me. I am also only eating 1 meal a day at the moment.

We've also talked about some of our favourite times together as a couple and as a family. We've started to do some of these things again - silly things but things we have enjoyed. We've looked through old photos albums. We've talked about why it happened. I know it's early days and I am having a positive day...pretty calm tonight.

Also going out for lunch one day next week with another friend. I haven't told her because I see her more regularly and don't want to talk about it every time I see her. I have told her we have had a heart to heart and are trying to do spend more time together.

Nikita can I ask a personal question please? When did you start having sex again? You don't have to answer if you are uncomfortable with that question.

I'm so happy you got something positive out of my response, I've never posted before so was a bit nervous. I just suddenly felt that you were reaching out looking for positives and nobody seemed to hear you. I've lurked on this forum so much and there is a awful lot that I have learnt from it, but I also believe that it seems to be frowned upon here to basically say that you want to forgive and forget. The general consensus seems to be that you will only move forward when he has paid dearly for everything. I do believe that watching the pain you are going through and still taking responsibility for it must be some sort of payment on their side.

Disambig ? thank you for your response, I did read your other post and I felt that you were very brave in posting it. You posted purely to try and help the OP with her working through her problems but you got a lot of stick for it. I think well done for taking the time to put your words down in the hope that someone might gain some insight.

Now back to the sex question :) I probably went back to having sex too quickly (maybe a matter of days, can?t remember exactly but it seemed right at the time), but it was like I had something to prove ? in other words i wanted to show him that he didn?t have to go anywhere to get the best sex ever, it was right here at home! Thing is that in doing that I started to enjoy sex more than I ever did before, the more I had it the more I wanted it, and while I enjoyed it before it was never top of my agenda. i started to email DH during the day when things bothered me as I found I could get my thoughts down easier on paper rather than get it all mixed up when talking to him. I then discovered that when he started sending me messages saying he loved me, etc it got me more in the mood. Decide on a time, set the scene maybe with candles, music. Tell him that you would love him to give you a massage but can?t promise whether or not it will lead onto anything. That way you don?t feel pressure and if it feels right it will happen.