The affair

[letthembe]

So 72 hours my DH of 10 years admits to having an affair!! A colleague, a fucking colleague that has been to our house, I have welcomed the fucking little whore into our home. Anyway, the background: my mum died about 2 years ago, then I supported my brother who was stabbed by his gay lover, then I supoorted my alclholic friend who eventually died a ago. So fast forward to Wednesday this week when my DH confessed to having an affair (I really didn't not know). I now feel a bit foolish because I said it he was fine to go to gigs with this bitch as realy did not think anything would happen. However, it did. Marriage is fucking hard...a few years ago I was growing close to one of my co-worker but I pulled away. My DH and I have a long hard chat, in fact many long chats, and we have cleared one hell of a lot foggy air. I forgive (crazy I maybe) but I love him and truly believe he loves me. He stop the affair. I have told him, and he accepts that it will take me a bloody long time to truly trust him again.
Oh god, it's crazy but sinking so low has truly made me realise how bloody much I love him, want and need him.
Oh shit, now finished my bottle of wine. We have just spent the best 72 hours reconnecting. Fuck the little leazy whore.

I would just like to see you directing some anger and blame at HIM. He is the one who has let you down, not the other woman, and not yourself. He is the one in the wrong who should be working hard to gain your forgiveness and regain your trust.

I honestly think it is too soon to think clearly, as you have had such an enormous shock. Let it sink in properly. Dont make any rash decision for a few days at the very least.

I think you need to take time to reflect on what YOU really want for yourself.

I think that YOU need to understand when this happened, the timeline for the events that lead up to the affair and when he gave himself permission to cheat.

FWIW, I know you are in full OW loathing mode (and I'm cool with that) but the fact that she never once came back to the house after they started the sexual affair actually speaks better for her than you might think. there have been OW on here that HAVE still gone to the H house, interacted with the family etc. That is unforgivable on both the H and the OW.

It's too early to tell what you want to do, and it IS your decision. The next few days, weeks will help you unravel things. Without knowing all the details of the affair, you don't know the scale of the lies, the deceipt, you don't actually know what you are dealing with. Once you get there, you will be able to make up your mind about what you do next.

I don't think anyone has said to walk away. We accept that you want to save your marriage. However, his having an affair has hurt you and that hurt needs time to heal and some care and attention like any physical injury would do.

It's great you are prepared to forgive and make it spend more time on your relationship but we are complex creatures and you can't ignore your feelings.

What has he done to show you he is sorry and is going to make this better? What has he said, not to blame you or excuse it, but to show he is going to spend every moment trying to fix it. Is he spoiling you and begging for forgiveness? Going out of his way to make things better/easier for you? what promises is he making?

Oh petal i am so sorry

Noone says walk away, but please for one second visualise tha pain you are in and then think just for a few seconds who caused that.

Like you, OP, i recently found out h of 10 years had been having an affair. I went through all the emotions that you are going through. I obsessed about ow, blamed her for being a marriage wrecking bitch, for having the morals of an alley cat and being a real piece of work. BUT - a couple of months on and i can see that it was my h who had the responsibility to me and not her. He was the one who lied deceived and betrayed me. He was the one who let our children down. I recognised that my blame was misplaced.
I had the misfortune to run into ow on more than one occasion since finding out. Maintain your dignity and ignore her. She is beneath you. In my situation ow lied to her h to save her marriage. She has since told my h that she is terrified everyday that i will contact her h, spill the beans about the real extent of the betrayal and he will leave her. That is her real punishment.
I initially tried to work things out with h but he is now living with his parents and crying about how he has lost everything. Only now do i think the consequences of his behaviour are sinking in. Remember that words are easy. You need to see actions from your h and these need to be sustained over time. Good luck

There is surely a difference between fighting for your marriage and being made a fool of and I am sorry but at the moment it is the latter that is applicable.

Think about why their relationship - and make no mistake it was a relationship: he invited her into your home, they went out together as well as had sex- ended and why she now hates him. I would consider it extrememly unlikely that he told you because of "the guilt" and far more likely that she was going to tell you.

I understand why you are angry at her but she woed you nothing, your husband owed you everything. He betrayed you in the worst possible way

I think you are brave to try and save your marriage (and just remember that statistics say 1 in 4 (23%) of those women who are giving advice here on mumsnet have an OH who is dipping his wick elsewhere - a rather sobering thought!)

It's normal for all your anger to be directed at the OW for now, but in time you will have to address the issues with your OH and his willingness to be complicit in the behaviour. I guess processing the emotions is a lot like those that are processed during grief - denial, anger, acceptance.

Lots of couples do get through affairs and manage to heal the relationship. Good luck.

I haven't read all the posts on this thread so I'm probably just repeating what has already been said.

OP I've been where you are 4 months ago. You are only 72 hours from discovery so I suspect you are in deep, deep shock. Like you I called the OW awful names and still do. I truly hate her. Like you, within a week I told my H that I forgave him and we had a wonderful weekend - best we have had in years. However, then the realisation of what my H had done hit me. The lies, the betrayal, the total lack of respect. I do love my H and he says he loves me but trying to rationalise that with what he has done to me is very hard. I am trying to reconstruct what happened during his affair and realising the things he lied about and that the memories I have are just a lie is very painful. I had to retract my forgiveness a week later and still haven't reached the stage where I can say I forgive him. We are trying to work things out and have been to Relate but it is a hard slog. My H has taken full responsibility over his actions and your H needs to do the same. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.

Take time for yourself, you will go on a roller coaster of emotions over the next few weeks\months. Just hold on tight and remember to communicate how you are feeling with your H, even though he may want it all to go away. He needs to hear the pain he has caused you. But please remember your H is the one to blame not you, not the OW. I wish you luck OP and I hope that eventually you will emerge with a stronger relationship.

I am trying to be brave, maybe I am foolish, but I also do want to try to salvage things. DH is making a huge effort, every question I have asked he has answered, he's spending extra time with me and the kids, he had already cut off all ties with the OW, etc, etc. We have set a time limit of 15-30 mins a day for talking about the affair, sounds silly but I don't want to obsess about it. He is going to the doctor in a week or two if his depression symptoms haven't improved. I really believe he has told me the truth, I still know my husband (just about anyway). We are also putting things into place for the future - little plans. And also talking about the good times. We both want it work and I guess only time will tell. Small steps and all that. Please wish me luck.

Look in the cold light of day and my sober head on I have stopped calling the OW names. Anger really isn't my thing.
Worldgonecrazy - it is like a bereavement, the dark hollow feeling inside is just the same as when my mum died. But I never went through the anger phase then (the rest of my family did).

The upside of this I am shedding the pounds!

How is your DH cutting all ties with the OW if she is a colleague?

toomanyeasterbunnies - your post gives me hope. He has taken responsibility for it. I know it is early days. I think the trust will take so long, we both recognise this.

Don't think I'll be drinking a whole bottle of wine on an empty stomach for a while - feeling a bit rough this morning.
Oh and toomanyeasterbunnies good luck to you...keep me posted you may become my mentor.

We are not at work at the moment and won't be for another month. He has already started looking for a new job. We are even thinking about moving area - something I am very happy about, I've wanted this for along time (different reasons).

She only came to our home before the affair started NEVER after. It has also been an on/off thing never constant. Sounds like an excuse I know but I have to have hope.

I'm sorry to rain on your parade but that would immediately ring alarm bells for me: he has promised to cut all ties with the OW but that is a promise he can't possibly know whether he can keep.

In four weeks if he hasn't got another job then he is going to be back working with her and then what? He is hoing to tell you that he has done everything he can/it's not his fault/he has to work etc etc

And whilst I'm at it he is "depressed?!" He is undoubtedly upset/worried that his comfortable domestic set up is in danger but I would bet my last £ that he is not depressed it is just more of the "poor me, I need looking after, it wasn't my fault, by the way did I tell you the OW was a stupid whore" shit that they all seem to come out with

I have been exactly where you are now, my h had an affair with a girl from work that lasted 7 months, I felt the same you do now at that time but please be ready for the change in emotion that you will feel.
I am now 3 years down the line and still with dh and you will begin to realise that men are not just these poor little creatures that are chased by these evil home wrecking women. I really feel for you as it's going to be a hard journey. My dh has gone to do overtime this morning and I was tempted to follow it sticks with you for a long time.

So Queenofdenial do I walk away now?

Good luck OP!

I'm really sorry if you felt I was getting at you, it was just that you seemed to be blaming yourself and the OW exclusively.

I really hope you come out of this with a stronger marriage, I think you're taking great steps towards ensuring this.

All the best

letthembe I can't tell you that.

But if you stay then you need to do so from a position of strength.

Frankly I think you are crazy to have made any decision within 72 hours. Can you not get away or get your husband to go away for a few days so that you have some space? So that you can consider what your really want instead of running with a knee jerk reaction along the lines of you need to "win" him (trust me you don't, he needs to win you).

I think you need space and time to figure things out. How long has this affair been going on? I am guessing by the comments re it being "on/off" quite a time. You need to properly establish the truth and then figure out if that is something you can live with. Doing it the other way (agreeing to stay and then allowing it to drip out over time) is never going to give you peace of mind.

If I was you I would be working on the basis that everything he tells you is untrue. So I would be prepared to find out that it was a lot more on than off, that she has been to your home when you weren't there and he made all sorts of promises to her too. Normally I would think stay well away from the OW but given that he has told you she "hates him" I would want to get to teh bottom of exactly what was going on to cause such a strong reaction from her.

I'd probably start by demanding to see his itemised phone bill.

I will probably be shot down in flames for this, but I believe there are 3 types of affair.

1. someone who is just unable/unwilling to be faithful and will shag anyone at any given opportunity, regardless of the state of their relationship.

2. someone who is in an unsatisfactory marriage for no specific reason (i.e. the relationship has just run out of steam or they perhaps were with the "wrong" person in the first place). They don't have the balls to end it. Someone comes along who they believe is more suitable long term and they end their current rl and enter into a new one with this person.

3. An otherwise happy relationship has gone through a rough patch. Communication and connection has been lost. Things have gone on and one (or both) partners have been feeling neglected. Someone else comes along and gives them the attention they have lost. They take the opportunity and then regret it.

FWIW and from what you've posted OP, your H's affair seems to fall into category number 3. No affairs are right or excusable BUT if you can both work through it, then I believe your marriage can come out stronger. I agree you have to stop obsessing about the OW. She didn't betray you. If it hadn't been her, it may well have been someone else. You need to dissect your relationship and both of your reactions to it and as long as your H takes responsibility for his actions and you discuss ways to avoid either of you ever getting to the stage again, then I think its worth trying to work it out.

FWIW, I have been in all 3 "affair" situations in the past in some capacity

Good luck

I don't want to wade in with advice etc, (fairly new to MN) you will have received enough of that - but I just wanted to say, thinking of you. Have been thro exactly the same thing, along with all the conflicting emotions etc.

The only thing I will say is everyone has different ways of dealing with this sort of situation, and until it happens to you, you don't know how you will cope. Try not to look far ahead, take one day at a time.

Really feel for you BUT do not blame yourself, I still do that now, but as others have said, he took marriage vows and if he wasn't happy had a duty to tell you - his wife - before taking any other course of action!!

Must stop now as I said I wouldn't wade in with advice!!! :o

Good Luck

Thank you Tillyscout and Friendly mum. I think it is probably affair 3, definitely not affair 1. We sat watching a terrible film last night - together, giggling at it. Talking about films, not the affair (I can't do that all the time). And we both said how we had missed each other. We want it to work. I am only going a day at a time. It's going to take time.

Friendlymum come back and post again, you are so right - until it happens to you, you don't know how you will cope.

Letthembe - I really feel for you. As I mentioned I'm fairly new to MN, & I have always tried to avoid/ignore these type of posts because they are so emotive and I know from experience everyone, rightly or wrongly, will have words of advice.

I was in a whirl when I discovered the affair - so many emotions and I didn't tell my immediate family at first because I wanted to think things thro.

It is like suffering a bereavement in many ways, but with anger and sadness (I lost my dear dad a few yrs ago and he was the one who supported me thro the dark days, so when he died .. well you can imagine... :( ).

You will get thro this, but be kind to yourself!!

Thinking of you x

letthembe - not sure if I'm the best person to be a mentor as I'm not out the other side yet. But I certainly don't mind giving you moral support. This has to be the worse time in my life. I never imagined my H would have had an affair so it was a complete shock. In some ways it's almost worse than a bereavement. You have the knowledge that they cold heartedly lied and deceived you and the person you thought you knew has died.

Also, be prepared that more may come out. Your H will be trying to protect himself so will tell you the absolute minimum. I had the bombshell 6 weeks after I discovered the affair that H had got OW pregnant and she had had an abortion. That news put me straight to the beginning of the recovery process again.

Good luck.

I was in your exact situation nearly 3 months ago - H had a 15 months on/off affair with a friend of ours. Its only recently that I have been able to feel optimistic that we will make it and we are treating it as a wake up call for our marriage. Although I detest the OW, its the H I blame - he selfishly chose to shag her instead of resolving his issues with me.

Like most affairs, it was all about him and his issues which he is working hard to address.

I would recommend buying SHirley Glass's Not Just Friends - this along with WhenwillIfeelnormal's posts on here (do a search on her name) really helped us understand how the affair happened, why and how to affair proof our marriage.