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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The affair

149 replies

letthembe · 06/08/2011 21:53

So 72 hours my DH of 10 years admits to having an affair!! A colleague, a fucking colleague that has been to our house, I have welcomed the fucking little whore into our home. Anyway, the background: my mum died about 2 years ago, then I supported my brother who was stabbed by his gay lover, then I supoorted my alclholic friend who eventually died a ago. So fast forward to Wednesday this week when my DH confessed to having an affair (I really didn't not know). I now feel a bit foolish because I said it he was fine to go to gigs with this bitch as realy did not think anything would happen. However, it did. Marriage is fucking hard...a few years ago I was growing close to one of my co-worker but I pulled away. My DH and I have a long hard chat, in fact many long chats, and we have cleared one hell of a lot foggy air. I forgive (crazy I maybe) but I love him and truly believe he loves me. He stop the affair. I have told him, and he accepts that it will take me a bloody long time to truly trust him again.
Oh god, it's crazy but sinking so low has truly made me realise how bloody much I love him, want and need him.
Oh shit, now finished my bottle of wine. We have just spent the best 72 hours reconnecting. Fuck the little leazy whore.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 00:06

Don't send the letter. Please don't. You wrote it, but you have no real idea of the truth yet, only what he told you.

Her side may vary, considerably. She has little to gain by lying, remember.
If you send that letter, you will be inviting a response. One that you are not (yet) ready to hear.

Focus on YOU, focus on your relationship, she is nothing to you any more.

It is fucking crap, it really IS. I am so sorry you are going through this.

honeyandsalt · 07/08/2011 00:07

If she hates him the letter is unneccesary, and if he really is ending it it's unneccesary. There would only be a point if she were persuing him. It's possible she feels almost as bad about this as you do, if she was told the marriage was over and then realised he was taking her for a ride.

Original poster
letthembe · 07/08/2011 00:08

so honeyandsalt what would you do? my Dh and I didn't think it would happen to us, do you think you are invisible? Shit happens to people. Why can't we be the ones to benefit from this mess?

Not liking the idealistic slant - we are not willing to just give up on this? Why is that so wrong?

OP posts:
honeyandsalt · 07/08/2011 00:08

Shit, so sorry I forgot to say, my every sympathy is with you OP, it's a shit thing to happen Blush

RumourOfAHurricane · 07/08/2011 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HerBeX · 07/08/2011 00:13

he's been lying to you for months, it's reasonable to suppose tht he's been lying to her as well. He's told you what he wants to about her and there is no reason whatsoever for you to believe a word of what he's told you about her - he's a proven liar.

I think you are at that stage of not being able to direct your anger and hurt where it belongs, but when you are, this author (and possibly that book but it might be the other one listed on there, hopefully someone else will be along to say) may help you.

Good luck OP.

honeyandsalt · 07/08/2011 00:15

No of course if you don't want to give up on your marriage, that's fine. But my point (and others') is that it didn't just "happen to" your H, he choose to shag her. Had a choice.

But look if you want to put a positive slant on it, by all means go for it. It just seems to me that you're doing that by villianising a young and possible naive woman that may have been misled or seduced by your DH.... if you want to ignore that thought, well, ok. Your H is a very lucky man to have got off not only scott-free but with a wife who is positively grateful to be with him.

Original poster
letthembe · 07/08/2011 00:15

I am sorry in this case she is a whore. I have told Dh about the letter. i don't think I'll send the letter - just needed to get the words out. It was quite controlled really, reading it again.

Oh shit, oh shit - I think the reality is sinking in.
For the record, she Little FW didn't come to our home once the affair began.

Am I wrong to fight for our marriage? (He wants to too.)

OP posts:
HerBeX · 07/08/2011 00:18

You're not wrong to fight for your marriage.

But brushing your DH's behaviour under the carpet and scapegoating the other woman instead, isn't fighting for your marriage.

Unless of course, you positively want your marriage to be dysfunctional.

RumourOfAHurricane · 07/08/2011 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FabbyChic · 07/08/2011 00:18

If there is something to be saved you should save it, if there is still love there between you you have to try to get past this and move on, it won't be easy but you can do it

HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 00:18

You CAN benefit from this mess, you really can.

Your relationship CAN be better than it was before the affair, but not without an awful lot of effort, the whole truth and a lot of time, patience and rebuilding of trust.

This is not YOUR mess to sort out, this is HIS doing. True both of you will have to work really hard to get past this, but WE did not have the affair HE did.

WWIFN was great at picking apart the affair and getting the OP to identify the anatomy of the affair, when he started to pull back, when he gave himself permission to cheat, how he conducted himself WRT you and the DC during the affair and how and why it ended and his behaviour to all parties. You need to look really hard at events that lead up to this, it'll really help you to identify where your marriage became at risk from infidelity, and why, and then how to strengthen the relationhip to prevent it happening again.

He needs to be truthful with himself first, and know why he ended it. He has to tell you that truth too.

WE are not willing to just give up on this, but HE was, cos HE chose to sleep with someone else, surely you don't have to be a Rocket Scientist to think that doing this could end your marriage?

You both need to do lots more talking, lots more truth, and who knows, maybe you will come through this.

Original poster
letthembe · 07/08/2011 00:24

Thanks for all the posts - I'll keep you up dated.

It's amazing how much you realise someone when you are about to loose them. xx

Life is NOT black and white.

OP posts:
cakeoholic · 07/08/2011 00:25

letthembe, what would you put in a letter to your dh? Try writing one to him.

I think the anger towards the ow is normal but she could only be the other woman and do what she did because he allowed her to. He did all the things she did but he was the one who owed you some loyalty and respect, who said he chose you forever and through whatever and then broke those promises.

It's ok that you want to save your marriage and to use the affair to make things better between you both but don't feel that means you can't be angry with him and take some time to deal with your feelings.

Original poster
letthembe · 07/08/2011 00:30

He is a broken man!! I have never really got angry with him, we have shouted at each other in a blazing row. I have forgiven him, but do not trust him - crazy I know. But I went with my gut, my guts are rarely wrong about people. We both recognised it will take time. But it's strange I few more connected to him at the moment than I have done in a long time.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 00:30

erm, correction, you'd not be losing someone, HE'D be Losing YOU. You need to make that one clear.

cakeoholic, brilliant suggestion!

letthembe, write a letter to DH. Again, don't have to give it to him. Get it all out there, rage and vent. NB: you are not allowed to beg HIM to stay, this is about how YOU feel about what HE has done.

HerBeX · 07/08/2011 00:32

It sounds like there's a real power imbalance going on in your relationship OP.

you dread the thought of losing him.

But he didn't dread the thought of losing you. He chose to risk it.

Sad

Does he dread the thought of losing you now?

HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 00:34

I am going to have to back away from this thread. I am far too much of a cynical old bat to fall for the broken man (diddums) he's fecking broken cos he BROKE IT HIMSELF.

I hate to (kindly) point out, but you were wrong about him, and you were wrong about her.... your intuition IS off at the moment.

Until you are more confident in yourself, please trust only actions, facts and the absolute truth. feelings, history, emotional investment whatever the fuck that is, all to the side. Deal only in the truth.

HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 00:36

Out of interest OP, could you take your DH in a fight, I bloody well hope so, if not, I'LL come and have a go, cos I am not buying his puppy dog, broken, mortified bollocks, no siree.

((hugs)) livid for you love, really bloody livid. You are worth a BILLION of him.

Original poster
letthembe · 07/08/2011 00:40

Thanks HerHissyness - I could take him to the cleaners in a courtroom (if I ever need to)! Perhaps I am just a hopeless romantic and optimist....

Or just delusional and desperately clutching at straws BUT rest assured I am a bloody strong woman (once you wipe away my tears1)

OP posts:
cakeoholic · 07/08/2011 00:40

letthembe, stop worrying about him for a minute and concentrate on yourself. He may be a broken man, but what he has done must have done some damage to you too. If you ignore that now it will cause problems later.

I think you have realised you came close to losing him and that scares you, but you can't allow it to make you feel like the one in the wrong or that you need to be the one to hold it all together. Don't let him think he is the one having it hard. Maybe this will make your relationship stronger in the long run, but only if you actually deal with it.

No one on here wants to wreck your marriage or make you feel bad, it's all being said to try and help you and with the best of intentions.

Original poster
letthembe · 07/08/2011 00:43

Oh confused need sleep!! Thanks guys. xxx

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 07/08/2011 00:45

my Dh and I didn't think it would happen to us

No, YOU didnt think it would, He clearly thought otherwise. Please, read through this thread again tomorrow in the cold light of day.

Original poster
letthembe · 07/08/2011 00:47

So should i just walk away? I am a fighter and we am not ready to quit our marriage. Is that so wrong?

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 07/08/2011 00:50

We don't want to wreck your marriage, not one single one of us, but we will not sit quietly by watching a woman, betrayed by people she trusted take the responsibility for the treachery perpetrated against her without getting angry and hoping that she will see the wood from the trees.

Your bloody H needs to be shit scared of you and your reaction to what he's done. not sitting there with the sad face.

You cry love, you are entitled to your tears, you are entitled to your disappointment, your despair. When that passes you will get more angry, and you will get angry with him.

You ARE scared of losing him, I understand that, but he needs to be terrified of the same, and this sad act pisses me off. Like he warrants sympathy from you? Er, not at all! He has literally no right to sympathy.

i want to see you rise up, be strong, demand the marriage you deserve, expect and demand the H you deserve, and be able to love with a whole and happy heart again, knowing that you have both worked hard, both faced ugly truths, both taken the correct and appropriate responsibility for what has happened and committed to one another to never let it go there again.