The affair

[letthembe]

So 72 hours my DH of 10 years admits to having an affair!! A colleague, a fucking colleague that has been to our house, I have welcomed the fucking little whore into our home. Anyway, the background: my mum died about 2 years ago, then I supported my brother who was stabbed by his gay lover, then I supoorted my alclholic friend who eventually died a ago. So fast forward to Wednesday this week when my DH confessed to having an affair (I really didn't not know). I now feel a bit foolish because I said it he was fine to go to gigs with this bitch as realy did not think anything would happen. However, it did. Marriage is fucking hard...a few years ago I was growing close to one of my co-worker but I pulled away. My DH and I have a long hard chat, in fact many long chats, and we have cleared one hell of a lot foggy air. I forgive (crazy I maybe) but I love him and truly believe he loves me. He stop the affair. I have told him, and he accepts that it will take me a bloody long time to truly trust him again.
Oh god, it's crazy but sinking so low has truly made me realise how bloody much I love him, want and need him.
Oh shit, now finished my bottle of wine. We have just spent the best 72 hours reconnecting. Fuck the little leazy whore.

So I am now PA Day 24. Today I have woken with an inner calm and a growing optimism. I'll give an update - I have given by DH time and space to write about the affair, this last week he went away for a couple of nights to feel what life would be like without me and the children, be reflective etc. etc. There was no contact at all - not even a text! He is back, I have read everything now and we have analysed it at length and will continue to do so. It is still early days. But we are both thankful that our children remain oblivious to the inner turmoil we have been going through, they are coming out the other side just as innocent and as happy. We are also thankful that we have an opportunity to rebuild and improve our marriage. I no longer have any emotion to the OW - she has also been a victim in all this. All be it a little bit impatient, naive and lacking in a true perspective of the enormity of the potential hurt it has and could have caused.

I am relieved that I went with my own instinct, and not follow some of the advice some of you gave me (in good faith I know) and without knowing me and my family etc. it is impossible to give me the advice that is truly relevant. But I thank you anyway - it is all helpful in the end. My instinct was to remain calm, not be angry with him, give him space to greave the loss of a relationship with the OW, keep my sense of humour, not add additional pressures, not beg for him to spend time with me (though I did expect him to spend time as a whole family), not to cry in front of the children, to keep sharp hurtful comments inside my head and in the end I even acknowledged that the OW is a good(ish) person and there are some similarities between her and myself - it is better that it happened with her than some who didn't have good qualities. In the past 3 weeks my DH has texted her, I knew about this, I asked him about the content but never demanded he stopped. It was her demands and pressure and texts against my calm approach and showing that I understood him and his needs that he became reflective and saw the error of his ways! He has seen her a 3 times: the first on a whim not long after he had told me about the affair, the second to exchange letters and the third was a final closure thing. My approach wouldn't work in every case, it worked for me. I was lucky - he always protected the children, didn't like the person he had become, wanted to change and never left me.
So today we are at a new dawning... it's a long and bumpy road to healing but we are on the way, in our cocoon - me, him and the children. Wish me luck! And thank you each and everyone of you who has posted on this thread, many have been through a similar experience. Life is not easy at times is it? But I guess without the lows you'd appreciate the highs. x

So he's continued to see her and contact her and you've both been competing for who gets him?

Lucky bastard.

Sorry OP

I think you have been taken for a mug.

It's not over..

Good luck.

Really do hope that your approach is working, and that your H's actions will show that he is doing everything to make it work...

Reading your post I so hope it works for you both. But not wanting to sound a tad negative what on earth does he need to be texting her over a 3 week period and seeing her 3 times?!Contact her to say it's over and for her to respect that he's severing all contact from now on and concentrating on repairing the damage to his marriage-yes I can see that's necessary. But you are being far more reasonable than I could have been.Of course you must do what you feel is best.Just rings some alarm bells to me.But I don't want to detract from your feeling better so all the best.
Nikita- your post was so lovely and positive

Good god he must be loving this. It is every mans ideal scenario in this situation but one which few experience! He has betrayed you yet you slate her. She owes you nothing but he does and yet you are indulging him and taking all the blame. If every time you go through trauma and loss in your lives and things are tough he uses this as an excuse to do as he pleases then it is going to happen again.You are feeling better because he is still there physically anyway but you really need to stop absorbing the blame and fall out or it will be back to bite you on the bum

I do feel for you but that part you added about their very recent communication is very worrying. You said that things were properly over between them before he told you. It seems there is a still a connection there.

You said you perhaps now see her as a victim. This is far more the case surely..If he is 17 years older than her is he more senior at work? How did the gigs come about? Did she say, hey you, old enough to be my Dad, would you like to come to a gig with me...or did he find out what music she liked and say...I'd love to go to that, I'll take you...did he spend the time saying, yeah, we are only together for the kids, we don't sleep together, she will never understand me like you do, you and I connect on this level, music and film, we got married too young, then the kids came along, I have been so stuck, I am so lucky to have met you ecetera ecetera ectera...Was her head thus turned? As a youngish person not experienced in what can happen in a 30 year marriage is it that she believed all she was told and waited patiently for him to leave, until he found the "right time" to tell you...but it was never the right time, there was a bereavement, a birthday....he kept getting his "cake" and eating it? Finally perhaps she realised this was no way to live and his lies started to unravel, so she very justifiably started to hate him, and probably threatened to tell you, hence he had to come clean.

I may be wrong, she may be a cold, power hungry gold digger who wanted an older man to take her out and maybe envisaged being a looked after trophy...I doubt it though.

Is your H really owning up to his nasty, nasty behaviour of hurting you, your family and manipulating a young women for his own ends or his he still doing his best to control these women around him to get what he wants with no regards for others?

Sorry to hear this, OP. Your latest update gives me chills. Has your husband done this before? He seems very accomplished in saying/doing what is palatable to you and it seems to be you that is doing all the work in getting your relationship back on track. I feel really sorry for you, I can almost hear the hurt and desperation in your posts. It's not over, not by a long chalk. :(

What an accomplished little bastard your husband is. He has really pulled a blinder here - I'd say that there is no way that this is his first affair. 'understanding his needs'? a 'closure' scene for him? A two-day HOLIDAY for him to 'see what life would be like without you and the kids'? Err - two days without the kids - no love, that's a mini-break, I think you'll find.

OP, you are most definitely being taken for an absolute mug. Pull the rose-tinted specs off and see your slimebag of a H for what he is.

Wow! , sorry but i think you are still in shock, having had same done to me i do sympathise with you hugely, take care of yourself you need time to let the dust settle and think what you need to do to either move forward with you DP, if you can, it is going to take along long time if ever to recover from the shock you have just had.

I did not recover as it was my DP best friends wife, we split and divorced, along time ago now, but i can still remember the pain , look after you you sound lovley person , hope it works out for you.

give him space to greave the loss of a relationship with the OW, keep my sense of humour, not add additional pressures, not beg for him to spend time with me, not to cry in front of the children, to keep sharp hurtful comments inside my head and in the end I even acknowledged that the OW is a good(ish) person and there are some similarities between her and myself

I'm sorry OP - whilst I really do wish you well, it sounds like you are doing a lot of the emotional work here. What is HE doing to make amends for HIS actions?

And why does he need to meet her to exchange letters, and yet another for 'closure'?

He is still seeing her.

You are being taken for a mug and a strongly suggest you phone CAB and a solicitor on Monday morning. This does not mean that you are getting a divorce just that knowledge is power. You need to look after yourself and your children first. If he wants to make the marriage work he needs to make a lot more effort, at the moment you are doing all the work and he is basking in your sympathy.

I have dumped boyfriends and not needed to see them again. Those 2 days that he went away (to clear his head) he was shagging the other woman. If anyone need a break it was you but he is to selfish to see you as a human being. Sorry.

My lord, are you being taken for an idiot.
No offence, but you are married to a bell-end. He's reeled you right in to believing a load of old shite. Meeting up to get closure - yeah....right.
Good luck lovey. There's more crap coming your way, I fear.

He has stop everything with The Bitch Your own words on you first day posting.

In the past 3 weeks my DH has texted her He has seen her a 3 times Your own words today.

Why? If everything was all over why has there been any contact? He loses nothing by doing this as you don't raise a fuss, say anything or call him out on it.

Plus he gets to go away for several days for a break to see what it would be like to be with out you and the little ones. 2 days is a break don't fool yourself. That is not seeing what life without you and the children, living elsewhere, paying over your salary in maintenance is like, only seeing his children every other weekend and maybe one night during the week.

Good luck you are going to need every ounce of it

You deserve much, much better than this.

This bit, OP, made me really feel for you.... "I have marked on the calendar numbers counting up the days from last wednesday, I call it PA (Post Affair) - this made us laugh! Little steps!!"

It's like a hysteria, that's what you seem to be going through and it's completely understandable. You're desperate to try to make this go back to the way it was but it's never going to be the way it was, not ever again. If you decide that your marriage is worth saving, you can work on it together but it will be a 'new' marriage because everything has changed. I understand that it can be just as good or even better, if that's what both in the couple want.

Your husband has broken your trust in him and he's betrayed you. Within 72 hours you seem to have run the gamut of emotions and he's just watching and responding, reacting in the way he thinks will get him off the hook. From what you've posted, I think he's a very cynical, selfish man who will always do what he wants and 'talk the talk' if necessary to get you off his back.

You are the one with the power. You need to step back and take the time to think about what you want. Your husband neds to have his security and 'foothold' taken away from him so that he can really know and feel the risk of losing you. Hopefully it will bring him to his senses.

I know some of these posts are really hard to read, especially in the fragile, damaged condition you're in, but if anything is going to help, it's straight talking, rather than useless, impotent platitudes, from people who aren't emotionally caught up in your situation. Everybody here is rooting for you. I hope you can take the time you need to look at your situation once the shock has worn off a bit.

Why do you think it is good to remain calm, keep sharp/hurtful comments to yourself, allow your H time to grieve, allow him to end his relationship with the ow (if in fact that is what he has done) on his terms and persuade yourself that the ow is a 'good' person etc etc? Don't you want him to understand the magnitude of what he has done? Do you want him to think he can have an affair again and you will fall over backwards not to rock the boat? Do you SERIOUSLY think that a woman who has an affair with a married man and thereby threatens the stability of his family and happiness of his children can in any way shape or form be considered as 'good' or a 'victim'? You sound like you have been brainwashed .....

OP I've been thinking of this thread and it really saddens me.

Your husband deliberately betrays you

You try to prove to him that you are worthy of his love more than the OW.

No no no.

You should be angry.

He should be terrified of losing you.

He should be desperate to prove that he is worthy of your love, because - in all honesty - he has proved that he isn't.

Unless you genuinely go through this process, he will do it again. There is no shortcut through this.

Hope you're OK.

Op I am sorry but your last post is the most depressing thing I have read on here in a long time.

I read the first half with utter disbelief that you are putting in all the emotional slog, keeping your feelings to yourself and pandering to his needs whilst totally disregarding your own

Then you go on to talk about his still being in contact with her and that he went away. Are you really so blinded that you cannot see what is right in front of your nose? They exchanged love letters FFS and you are OK with that?!

Your husbnad must think he is the luckiest man in the world. What a total prick

Oh dear. OP a lot of your current situation is what I went through with my STBXH. The 'hysterical bonding', the being best friends again bit, the utter longing to save my marriage without actually looking it in the face, my Hs claims he had cut all contact, him comparing it to a drug / an addiction that he just had to overcome, the slow start up of his contact with the OW again, his need for contact for 'closure', I even had my own thread on here and was quite unwilling to listen to negative posts just as you are etc etc.

Well, surprise! The affair was never really over, we are now about 9 months further on, starting divorce mediation and he is openly in a relationship with the OW and my poor family is in ruins.

I feel very sorry for you, and know how painful this is. I still have lots of times where I live in a dreamy fantasy that I can pretend to myself that we will somehow get back together, that I can just live in denial that this ever happened. When you love someone and are so used to loving them, you will make any number of crappy false deals with yourself to make you think that everything is ok.

I would be very very surprised if your H is not still having his affair. Sorry OP. Even if he isn't physically shagging her, he is still utterly betraying you by meeting her and texting her.

I really feel for you, but do think you need to tell someone in RL, or get counselling or something. You seem to just be living in total denial. Your last post (about him still being in contact) just made so little sense in terms of your feelings of happiness about it etc. That is why you've had so many strong responses. It really can be easier to see what is going on from the outside sometimes.

Good luck, and get emotional support from someone other than your husband, regardless of whatever you decide to do in the future.

I have given by DH time and space to write about the affair, this last week he went away for a couple of nights to feel what life would be like without me and the children, be reflective etc. etc. There was no contact at all - not even a text!

He went away for two nights?

You must be mad. He was probably with her. OP, come on. You are way too trusting. He is making a mug out of you.

Letthembe, if you read over your opening post and your last one it is as if they were written by two totally different people. You are probably upset with all the negative responses that you've received, but the majority of people are only trying to help you. Where is your anger gone? You can only surpress your anger for so long before it eats you up. I previously posted about positive outcomes, however I believe this can only happen if you vent everything you feel and let it all out. I still, 9 months on, sometimes have days whereby I shout at my DH and ask him why. You must be a much bigger and better person than me because I could never have seen the good qualities in the OW only a few weeks into discovery. I think you are scared of the outcome if you have fights, but unfortunately if you don't then you DH won't realise how hurt you actually are. In his stupidity he will think that everything is fine at home now, if he has really finished with her and really wants to stay with you then he has to prove it and you wouldn't need to be afraid of lashing out because he would still be there through it all. Please, please put yourself and your feelings first. Your DC can still be oblivious to everything they won't need to see the rows. But you must see yourself as number 1 in order to move forward

OP I just wanted to say that I have been in your position. My exdh cheated on me - I tried to cling on also - tried in some ways competing with the girl he had the affair with - to show him that what he would be missing if he left.

He is my exdh now for a reason. From what I gather your dh is selfish - like my ex. Its all about his needs, his wants, his choices. You can love someone faults and all but to have a functioning relationship that somebody needs to love you back.

Your dh doesnt appear to do that as he is still doing something, ie contacting this woman - knowing that you know about her and that it must be tormenting you.

You who have been the victim in this appears to be the person who is doing all the work to keep the marriage.

I know you have dc and its difficult trying not to upset them but they will be more upset later on I feel as your dh does not appear to have really left this girl.

Relationships end every day, marriages, affairs, friendships. Ending it did not require him to be in contact with her 3 times.

When I left my first husband this is basically what I said (name changed for obvious reasons) "John, I dont want to be married to you anymore - you have betrayed me and have helped me betray myself by continuing on with this farce. I have contacted a solicitor, please move out or tell me that you arent so I can. Contact me through a solicitor (I didnt have dc with him). My Solicitor will let you know her details". Thats basically it OP. It nearly killed me.

I have to say I preferred you angry - it was honest and in a way healing for you - not his beaten down person. What you have to remember is that your dh may not think that you and your family are worth the respect of honesty but YOU do!!

Not having a go at you honestly - just trying to reach out - you seem to be drowning.

Deb

Sorry OP but its you in the cocoon

It was the ows demanding behaviour set against your serenity that showed him you understand his needs ? Whats that then his need to do as he pleases ? You say he met first of all with the ow on a "whim". Wtf ?

Its all been said by the responses which must be hideous to read but doesnt make them any less true

You are terrified he will leave which is why you are being like this

Btw you say he wrote about the affair and you both read it , have you written down your stuff yet ?