i have had enough. i think

[joblot]

My relationship is turbulent. We love one another but my partner has a horrible temper and we have argued terribly since she moved in with me last year. She has a 12 year old, who she also gets angry with and with whom I have a good relationship. I love her but I cant cope with her moodswings. We had a stressful time staying with my family last night, home today,and she took to her bed. I was relieved to escape them. She is almost deranged. She has now stormed off to see her dad who's in hospital after a fall and is Angry Im not going. I'm not because she made the arrangement without consulting me and its driven by her mothers guilt trip. She never asked me & because its so inconvenient I decided she can do it herself, I've propped her up enough. He isn't that ill.
It sounds crap.
It is crap. She left saying I hope you die I hate you. Slammed doors, broke stained glass in door. I hope stepson didn't hear but I couldn't see him. She's done this before, she builds up to a mad crescendo and I'm left feeling guilty and floored. Well no more. I've dug deep to understand my part in this and I'm fed up with feeling so bloody awful and scared of her moods. I don't want to lose stepson and our lifestyle and I'm worried as she will have to rent and she moved 10 miles from her home town to move in with me. Which was a big deal. I'm on a double dose of anti-ds and I want to drink more than usual because I'm so so pissed off. My self esteem is on the floor. But as I've said before I'm not perfect, and that's kept me hooked in. End of confession. She has just texted an apology for her part in 'it'. I'm so unsure. I can't bear the thought of a horrible break up. I'm too old for it

Will you stop feeling inadequate please! There is nothing inadequate about ending a failed relationship - it is actually the strong thing to do.
The inadequate thing to do would be to give in and slide back into something that drains you.

"It's easier when there's no contact."

I'm sure it is. If you stay in contact then you will continue to be subjected to the Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) that manipulative people use to try to wear you down. It is emotionally draining to be subjected to that.

She is entitled to believe that you didn't let her treat you like crap for long enough. And you are entitled to believe that, actually, you'd had more than enough of Putting Up With Her Shit and decided to call it a day. You are never going to persuade her that she is wrong and you are right. It doesn't matter. Let it go.

Contact is a two-way thing. She calls, you pick up. She sends a text, you read it and respond.

It doesn't have to be like that. It is within your power to make a difference. You cannot change what she does but you can change what you do. Try not picking up the phone. Try not responding to the texts. You don't have to. Go and do something fun instead.

Whenever she opens her mouth joblot, all that comes out is BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH!

If she were so ruddy concerned about YOU being HER WORLD then she would have treated you better, now wouldn't she? It really, honestly and truthfully doesn't matter what she thinks of you anymore, she is warped, defunct and damaged. her opinion of you counts for absolute zero.

Has she got all her belongings now? Well then, no more need to talk to her. If you want to send money to her, you can paypal it over to her or you can send her a cheque. No more contact. I mean it.

Seriously, change your number, or switch off your mobile when you are at home. don't answer any of her calls, or texts. Really. The more contact she has, even little snippets here and there, the more likely she will pull you back in.

You know you need to end this, because she is an awful partner, and has seriously contributed to, if not caused, your depression.

Depression kills. She worth THAT? NO, she is NOT!

You have come this far do not let her bully you into keeping this relationship limping along at your own expense.

Let's play Devil's Advocate and say you give in, and take her back.
Does this relationship stand ANY chance of being happy, healthy and progressive? NO
Would her behaviour improve? NO.
Would yoube happier? NO
Would it be good for her child? NO
Would you only be prolonging the agony? YES.
Would you kick yourself for not sticking to your guns the first time? Hell YES.

i concur generally with what you all say. i have an overactive judgemental brain which i do try to manage better. never mind manipulative people using FOG, i use it on myself rather a lot.

no i wont get back with her. im still mourning the good stuff we had, i guess it takes time. but im moving on and doing alright.

she has the bulk of her stuff here, which is fine, i know she has no space and i do. and i dont need to be mean to her, its a small kindness i can spare, despite everything.

you have all been remarkably good to me and it has helped keep me from drowning. i wish there was a way of showing my appreciation apart from these words. im good at diy and work in child protection so do ask if you have any queries in these areas

she came for some stuff today and left a note saying thanks for all the different good things i'd brought into her life. i was touched. i havent responded for fear of opening a floodgate

I know and understand the thing about her stuff, but please see that this is a way for her to keep her hand in, for her to prevent you moving on, for her to keep contact going and her attempts to wear you down.

You need to set her a time limit. A month, and then you will send them to where she is, or if she wants to rent storage, you'll arrange for them to go to there.

Don't reply to the note, it's more of the same. Just a different tactic

I think I speak for us all when I say that we are all happy to help without need or expectation of reward. We have all at one time or another been helped on here, and there is nothing quite like peer support to get you through difficult times.
I'm sure that before long you'll be giving valuable advice to someone else, and so it goes on.

Agree with Hissy about time limits. Gettimg someone's physical possessions out of your house sends not only clear messages to them but to your subconscious - the simple action of doing it will help the process of moving on.

Joblot - you have done really well - your first post was about three weeks ago, and since then you have finished the relationship, which you know was the right thing to do. But three weeks is a short time for your heart to catch up with your brain.

I get the impression that you want to rush through all the emotions involved and get to the other side. This does take time - actually it takes as long as it takes. The trick is to accept this, and not question every emotion. What you're going through is like a bereavement - and therefore you have stages of grief to work through. You will feel anger, guilt, sorrow, regrets, etc. This is natural, a process to work through. Actually, that's wrong, you don't have to work through them at all - you have to accept them, and go with them. You feel exhausted physically and mentally - of course you do, that's part of it too. But rather than think "have I done the right thing - I feel so bad because I feel like this", think, "ok, today I feel guilty, but this too will pass".

Don't spend too much time analysing your feelings and guilt tripping yourself. Because then you won't be able to see the wood for the trees. The fact is that you were in a lousy hurtful abusive relationship, and you've got out of it. There are still loose ends to tie up. But make these as simple as possible.

I have to have minimum contact with my ex, because we have 4 kids. But that is as far as it goes. He would like more, but tough, for my own wellbeing, I keep to contact-about-the-kids only. And then it's brief, civil. I don't do small talk with him, I don't chat about anything. I will never "chat" with him again. This isn't me being cruel, it's me realising that I simply can't do it, because it will set me back.

Stop worrying about how far you have to go, and focus on how far you've come. And be gentle on yourself. You sound a lovely and warm, caring person, who has had an absolutely lousy time. It's over - the future will be great for you, just ride through the next few weeks/months and accept your emotions.

Now - can you install me an en-suite bathroom by tomorrow?

Yes I am rushing, I can see that now. I'm off this weekend and Monday so will have chance to catch up with myself.
Rabbitpie do you have any pangs about him starting to see someone else? Your composure is most impressive. I cant imagine working with an ex. Vile.
Saffysmum- sorry can't oblige, good plumbers are gold dust

So how come we fall for these people?
I am so rubbish at choosing, but then, seems most of us are.
No-one puts their unsorted baggage in the shop window (ie start of the relationship), so how can you know it's there? until it smacks you in the face?
celibacy beckons

It's not rambling, its immensely useful.
So its not about the person we choose, its about us. Kind of. If we/I am ok, level, self esteem is bobbing along nicely, then we/I will weed out crap, ie unsuitable partners.

So the key is to sort yourself out before considering a relationship. Seems a tall order but makes sense. Perhaps my relationships have actually hindered me. God there's a lot to think about.

I don't see many relationships around that i admire. Perhaps that's just me? I certainly wasn't surrounded by well matched couples growing up

I think THEY see qualities IN US that attract them, and they appear to be what they think we want them to be in order to appear attractive to them. but it's a sham.

If we learn the red flags, love ourselves and don't compromise or make excuses for their odd/hurtful/off behaviour, we can prevent ourselves falling victim.

Saw this today on a FB page called baggage reclaim: "Relationships don't require you to 'overlook' a load of things like 'Hey, I know you're this, that, & the other, but because the chemistry is so great I'll just pretend those things don't exist'.

Relationships do however require acceptance of reality so you can make educated decisions about your relationship & avoid denial.

If you overlook things you inadvertently accept the behaviour - you approve it."

Keep going joblot, it's messy and painful but in the end you will be so much happier.

Perhaps you can look into ways to improve your self esteem so you can be steadfast in the future and say I do not deserve to be treated in x y z way (emotional punchbag etc).

Hope the weekend has lots of positive moments.

thanks. i feel more peaceful than i have for a very long time tho a bit reclusive too. however going out for lunch and tonight for tea means im not acting on the reclusivity desire really... it is my birthday so some sociability is expected.

i absolutely must work on the self esteem, but i need to stay focussed on being single and building myself up again after the last awful few years

i hope youre having a good weekend rmess

Happy Birthday Joblot!

Here's to a new year and a new start and a new way of being!

You are absolutely right that you need to suss being happily single now. Easier said than done but time to concentrate on yourself and what fulfils rather than drains you now.

Good luck and cheers!

Happy Birthday joblot! have a great day! This really is the first day of the rest of your life!

Thanks all. was nice tho i behaved boorishly after a few drinks- in terms of curling my lip and telling everyone how shit relationships are. they are good friends and know me well fortunately. was maudlin after. was going to analyse but take on board that highs and lows are inevitable in my situation.

when i think of the bad stuff i get quite angry. when i think of good times i get wistful

tedious

Sounds like grieving and working it through to me which is all good stuff, healthy, necessary to deal with it rather than bury it under the carpet.