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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i have had enough. i think

277 replies

joblot · 06/08/2011 19:26

My relationship is turbulent. We love one another but my partner has a horrible temper and we have argued terribly since she moved in with me last year. She has a 12 year old, who she also gets angry with and with whom I have a good relationship. I love her but I cant cope with her moodswings. We had a stressful time staying with my family last night, home today,and she took to her bed. I was relieved to escape them. She is almost deranged. She has now stormed off to see her dad who's in hospital after a fall and is Angry Im not going. I'm not because she made the arrangement without consulting me and its driven by her mothers guilt trip. She never asked me & because its so inconvenient I decided she can do it herself, I've propped her up enough. He isn't that ill.
It sounds crap.
It is crap. She left saying I hope you die I hate you. Slammed doors, broke stained glass in door. I hope stepson didn't hear but I couldn't see him. She's done this before, she builds up to a mad crescendo and I'm left feeling guilty and floored. Well no more. I've dug deep to understand my part in this and I'm fed up with feeling so bloody awful and scared of her moods. I don't want to lose stepson and our lifestyle and I'm worried as she will have to rent and she moved 10 miles from her home town to move in with me. Which was a big deal. I'm on a double dose of anti-ds and I want to drink more than usual because I'm so so pissed off. My self esteem is on the floor. But as I've said before I'm not perfect, and that's kept me hooked in. End of confession. She has just texted an apology for her part in 'it'. I'm so unsure. I can't bear the thought of a horrible break up. I'm too old for it

OP posts:
Original poster
joblot · 01/09/2011 07:50

Hello me again. Ive been busy with work and home and some socializing. But I've hit a wall and as ever want to know what those who've been thru it think.
I feel low and on the verge of a breakdown, possibly. Can't face anything remotely difficult. Am supposed to go for a night away with an old friend this weekend and I'm feeling sick at the thought. I want to stay at home but don't want to let friend down.
And I'm sick with guilt and remorse about x and son. They aren't sorted and its my fault to a degree.
Must pull myself together I've got a full day at work and I'm still on bed. How do you cope?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/09/2011 07:54

I left my first husband and took my dd with me. It was really really hard. Do not feel guilty your ex knew the score she had time to sort something out and is happy not to IMHO.

Go away for the weekend, even if you are maudlin and teary the whole time it's part of the grieving and healing process.

RabbitPie · 01/09/2011 08:40

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Saffysmum · 01/09/2011 09:15

I can only echo Rabbit's wise words.

Accept it as part and parcel of the grieving process. Go with it, and be assured it will end.

Try and go away with friend if you can, it will do you good. But if you can't don't beat yourself up over it - they'll understand. Stop trying to imagine how other people are coping - they will cope. Focus on yourself more.

MadameOvary · 01/09/2011 10:04

Very good post Rabbitpie.
The low, while it doesn't feel anywhere as good as a high, is part of the process and is to be welcomed, not feared or dismissed (if you possibly can) . I advocate a good old wallow, a good old cry, and the firm acceptance that this is part of the process.
You are making your way through and slowly dealing with all the emotions associated with such a breakup. As Rabbit says there are no quick fixes but try to take comfort from the fact that everything is happening as it should:
You feel guilty because you are a good person, and didn't want to let anyone down.
You feel sad because you know there was no other way
You feel bad because this is someone you cared about
You feel angry because they did not act in a caring and loving manner towards you.
You feel resentful because their lack of responsibility towards their actions has made you do something you now feel bad about, but you also know there is nothing to reproach yourself for.

And you KNOW it was the right thing to do.

Original poster
joblot · 01/09/2011 15:23

Thanks for putting it in perspective, I lose it sometimes.

I.feel shocking. And I need to cry but tears only ever come at work, and I have to suppress them. I'm whacked. I keep dreaming about other ex partners so sleep is crap at the moment.

moan moan moan. Deep breath

OP posts:
mummytime · 01/09/2011 15:53

Can you see your GP? Tell them what has happened. It sounds as if you could do with being signed off for a while, if only to prevent a worse breakdown.

Could you get some counselling?

MadameOvary · 01/09/2011 15:55

The suppression isn't helping, for sure. I would go away too, if the friend is sympathetic to the situation.

MadameOvary · 01/09/2011 15:57

Please bear in mind the physical toll that emotional abuse can take, it is not uncommon to start literally feeling the burden, and it sounds like this is happening to you. Be aware, and take care of yourself.

Original poster
joblot · 01/09/2011 20:40

Thanks again. I am very relieved to have finished work for a few days. It's very pressurised and I feel a great obligation to be there. I don't want to let my team down by being off. But I need to.get my world and my commitments back in perspective or lifes just not worth living is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
joblot · 01/09/2011 22:58

Badger fox and owl. What a joy. Makes life look brighter

OP posts:
RabbitPie · 01/09/2011 23:18

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Original poster
joblot · 02/09/2011 10:15

Thank you rabbitpie. I'm sorry its still so hard for you but your attitude and the support you've given me look like you're making progress even if you can't feel it at the moment. And how lovely that your work is a support, that's so good.
I'm packing more of her stuff today, and doing things I enjoy in between.

OP posts:
Original poster
joblot · 02/09/2011 17:23

Am much better for having a day at home with no demands.
Saffysmum and mme ovary- I am going away, after some thought and in the spirit of dping something different.
I hope you are all ok. I'm feeling more chirpy and rereading this thread made me see how things have progressed over the last month. I'd blanked out the most awful bits. But they probably have quite an impact on me still

OP posts:
MadameOvary · 02/09/2011 19:30

Quite a few people - including me - advocate writing stuff down, whether to remind yourself of what you have left (and why!), what you want to achieve or just as a way to express yourself. Sketching can be quite effective too.

HerHissyness · 02/09/2011 20:07

Still lurking and really proud of the progress you have made joblot! you are so much stronger than I bet you thought you were!

RandomMess · 02/09/2011 21:59

Well done joblot, hope the weekend away really helps.

Allboxedin · 02/09/2011 22:12

jobalot I was just going to ask if you were a man or woman, not that it makes a huge difference when this stuff is involved. I can understand how you feel and I think she is being quite manipulating. I can totally understand the nasty, then nice schedule - going through the same with h atm. I agree with all herhissyness said above and am taking it on board myself too :)
It is really hard to not blame yourself though and to not make excuses for their behaviour. Everyone has given great advice here and I hope you can sort it out somehow because you don't deserve to be treated the way you are being.

Original poster
joblot · 02/09/2011 23:13

Hello allboxed thanks for your message. I'm on the road out of shiterelationshipville but its up and down. I'm a woman- I was unclear in order to put my x off the scent as she knows I'm on here. Now I don't give a shit, well I'm not scared anymore of helr reading this.
I hope your situation is very temporary.

Hissy and Rmess thanks for your words. It's a slowly improving situation, I'm on track. How are you?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/09/2011 09:01

My relationship has it's challenges (don't they all) but I'm fortunate that it's not abusive and we generally rub along okay with a good dose of loving and be loving towards one another. My father wasn't the kindest to my Mum and our family was dysfunctional so my heart goes out to people stuck in abusive relationships.

Hope you actually enjoy spending some time with people who like you for who you are this weekend rather than someone who uses you like an emotional punchbag.

Original poster
joblot · 04/09/2011 21:05

Had a nice night away, though I still feel a great weight of sadness on my shoulders. I'm rather curmudgeonly too, I think it will pass...
I find it hard to know how much out of my comfort zone I should venture, its tempting to just stay at home.
X has texted to say she will have a property soon so I guess that will be a landmark- when her things go. I find I'm sighing a lot currently. And the neck ache is constant. Will try to see my gp this week I think.
I hope you are all happy or at least not miserable.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/09/2011 21:11

Glad you've benefitted from your time away. It's still very early days, be kind to yourself.

I would try and osteopath as well for you neck, really works on stresses and strains whatever the cause.

Original poster
joblot · 06/09/2011 18:42

I'm girding my loins for a conversation with x. I'm doing ok ish. We need to discuss her stuff and me seeing stepson. Part of me wants to run away and avoid, its wearing and I'm dreading any contact, esp as its allmy fault. According to x of course.
The end is vaguely in sight, kind of.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/09/2011 18:45

Loins of steel required. All your fault? All your fault that she has treated you in an abusive way?

It is not, I'm sure she'll have her next victim lined up soon enough Sad

Remember to be a stuck record only talk about the stuff being removed and you seeing stepson. If she wanders off rein her back in.

HerHissyness · 06/09/2011 19:05

Listen. you don't need to discuss ANYTHING. She is moving into somewhere, when she has an address, she gets her stuff. If she doesn't, you get it delivered over there and deduct the costs from the savings amounts you are going to give her.

WRT the son, who is initiating this contact? if it's you, then only when YOU are strong enough, if it's her, it's a ploy. trust me.

The boy is old enough to contact YOU. tell him that he is welcome to, anytime he likes.

then leave it there. seriously.