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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i have had enough. i think

277 replies

joblot · 06/08/2011 19:26

My relationship is turbulent. We love one another but my partner has a horrible temper and we have argued terribly since she moved in with me last year. She has a 12 year old, who she also gets angry with and with whom I have a good relationship. I love her but I cant cope with her moodswings. We had a stressful time staying with my family last night, home today,and she took to her bed. I was relieved to escape them. She is almost deranged. She has now stormed off to see her dad who's in hospital after a fall and is Angry Im not going. I'm not because she made the arrangement without consulting me and its driven by her mothers guilt trip. She never asked me & because its so inconvenient I decided she can do it herself, I've propped her up enough. He isn't that ill.
It sounds crap.
It is crap. She left saying I hope you die I hate you. Slammed doors, broke stained glass in door. I hope stepson didn't hear but I couldn't see him. She's done this before, she builds up to a mad crescendo and I'm left feeling guilty and floored. Well no more. I've dug deep to understand my part in this and I'm fed up with feeling so bloody awful and scared of her moods. I don't want to lose stepson and our lifestyle and I'm worried as she will have to rent and she moved 10 miles from her home town to move in with me. Which was a big deal. I'm on a double dose of anti-ds and I want to drink more than usual because I'm so so pissed off. My self esteem is on the floor. But as I've said before I'm not perfect, and that's kept me hooked in. End of confession. She has just texted an apology for her part in 'it'. I'm so unsure. I can't bear the thought of a horrible break up. I'm too old for it

OP posts:
Original poster
joblot · 19/08/2011 11:56

Yes I agree. I just feel so sad and bad. I have feelings for her still. But I am resisting contacting her as I know its for best

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 19/08/2011 12:00

like giving up cigarettes, keep busy, and take one day at a time. She is no good for you. in a BIG way! Grin

HerHissyness · 19/08/2011 12:02

The terrible state is because her first method of trapping you again failed.

i told you, there will be all kinds of manipulation techniques.

Expect the ranting and raving at some point. Oh and the butter wouldn't melt, sweetness and light and apologies.

It's all bollocks! Don't believe a single word of it.

Katisha · 19/08/2011 12:54

Don't be surprised if she suddenly has some sort of emergency. Possibly health connected, or something else. But it will be something that requires your help all of a sudden.

Or threats, even suicide threats. If this happens say you will send the police to her address. And do it. It's not something you can play mind games about.

I say all this as these are standard manipulation devices that people use in these sorts of circumastances and I have seen it at second hand, as it were, with a family member who was finding it virtually impossible to get someone to accept a relationship was over.

Snorbs · 19/08/2011 14:47

Ooh, yes, the psuedo-emergencies. I've had loads of those from my ex in a variety of shapes and forms. The suicide threats stopped on the night that, rather than spend hours on the phone myself, I called an ambulance and sent it to my ex's address. Never had one since.

I came to see that all the psuedo emergencies and other drama as my ex basically screaming "Pay attention to MEEEEEE!!!!!!" Once I stopped responding (which was complicated as we have children together) then, eventually, my ex pretty much left me in peace and went and found someone else to use as an emotional punch-bag.

HerHissyness · 19/08/2011 18:21

Oh yes, heart palpitations? stomach pain, excruciating migraines... wonder what it'll be!

Katisha · 19/08/2011 18:28

Could be "my pipe has burst and I need to come and wash at your house"...that was one of the stupider ones we had ...

You also need to get shot of her remaining stuff asap as that is another opportunity for not letting go. Maybe leave it with a third party.

HerHissyness · 19/08/2011 18:45

in bin bags outside the door, on bin day Grin

Original poster
joblot · 20/08/2011 08:55

I will do some packing today. I turned my phone off yesterday evening and that was extremely liberating- no need to dread contact and fret about my responses. And work couldn't get hold of me. Must do it more often.

I'm worried about stepson, he's back today and has no idea that he's moved house. Poor kid. She's not great at emotional intelligence unfortunately. Ha. Shame I didn't see that clearly earlier.

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RandomMess · 20/08/2011 11:44

Yes it is sad about her son but he's not your responsibility, I hope you manage to keep in touch with him.

Well done for switching your phone off and for doing some packing, big steps forward.

HerHissyness · 20/08/2011 15:00

What ^ she said! Grin

Original poster
joblot · 20/08/2011 15:16

Thanks. I feel uneasy but there's unfinished business so its inevitable.
It's so hard telling people, those who didn't know how bad it was are shocked and upset. Do you tell them the truth? So far ive gone for the 'it just didn't work, she had a terrible temper' line

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HerHissyness · 20/08/2011 18:16

You tell the truth. YOU need to know it, accept it and embrace it, saying it out loud will help you recover.

The unfinished business, it can be finished, and needs to be asap. She will ALWAYS keep some hook into you if she can. I'm not saying cut your nose off to spite your face, but if something really is not worth keeping her in your life for, write it off. seriously. These people are toxic.

Original poster
joblot · 21/08/2011 10:35

She's using stepson to put pressure on me. Not surprising. And coming over today to get stuff. Every day feels long at the moment.

She's here, with boy. Awkward but ok. Hard to know what to say but then its been hard for a year so its nothing new. Wish I could fast forward my life

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HerHissyness · 21/08/2011 10:40

Recognise what she is doing, and resist it.

Broken record. It's over, you need to leave.

Sure it's hard nosed in some ways, but she is trying to reel you back in so she can scream and shout at you again, make your life a misery, fuel your depression. She really IS the enemy to your mental health at the moment, it's either YOU or HER. So find a simple phrase, and repeat it over and over.

If she leaves anything behind, make sure it's boxed up and taken to a 3rd party where she collects it from. give her no reason whatsoever to come back.

Oh and to be safe, change your locks.

RandomMess · 21/08/2011 11:23

Everything HH has written and more. How toxic is that to use her son against you!!!!!

Stay strong. Change the home phone number and block her on your mobile or something too!

Original poster
joblot · 21/08/2011 12:46

It was ok if painful. She's not using him, i wasbeing unfair.
Will need to pack more stuff soon. I want to put it off

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Katisha · 21/08/2011 12:58

Get the packing over with joblot and then have a Wine

Original poster
joblot · 21/08/2011 21:33

Yet again I haven't packed. Im going to do it one evening when I'm free.
I am feeling a bit brighter tho I have chronic neck pain. Ha, just realised how apt that is.
Onward and upward

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/08/2011 21:35

Smile yes onward and upward.

Would it help to give yourself time 45 minute packing slots, set the timer and see how much you can get down. Timer goes off, stop and leave it until the next alloted slot. Stops it becoming over whelming or all consuming????

Katisha · 21/08/2011 21:58

Oh well have Wine anyway!

Saffysmum · 21/08/2011 21:59

Random: Excellent idea, and it worked for me. I sorted out loads of Ex's stuff within hours of chucking him out and I was running on adrenalin. When, after a few weeks, I actually realised that there was stuff of his around the house, and the adrenalin was gone and I was washed out, I timed myself like you suggested. So, "I'll spend 20 minutes sorting out his CDs today". And I timed it, then left it. And so on. It helped doing it in small chunks.

As my tutor at Uni once said: "How do you eat an elephant?" Answer: "A bite at a time." And it does help - the big picture is daunting, so break it all down into manageable chunks and you'll get there.

He also said, "Don't think about how far you have to go, be proud of how far you've come."

Saffysmum · 21/08/2011 22:02

Oh, [sticks nurses hat on] we carry a lot of stress in our neck. When people say they have the weight of the world on their shoulders, they're not kidding. Once the pressure of this eases, your neck will be easier. Promise. When I was at my worst point last year, in limbo land, I had a frozen shoulder, that no amount of treatment would cure - it disappeared within a week of ex leaving.

HerHissyness · 21/08/2011 23:37

I concur with saffy [adjusts stethoscope]

X was due to leave on 28th Jan. The entire week before I had a god-awful sore throat, nothing would shift it. It was excruciating, it was the sore throat you get when you are wanting to cry. yeah, THAT bad.

The revolution in egypt kicked off that very day. He therefore rescheduled his flight for a week or so later.

As soon as he changed his flight, the sore throat went.

during the 10 days extra he was here, he managed to help me see that he really DID need to go, and there was no point crying over him, so I never did get that sore throat back.

Original poster
joblot · 22/08/2011 07:53

That's such a relief, to hear it'll go, I'd began to worry as Physio couldn't shift it. Thank you all for your words.

Yes time limited sounds good. It's overwhelming as a whole. Ithought I was just being idle.

Tonight, with a g&t, I shall start.

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