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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i have had enough. i think

277 replies

joblot · 06/08/2011 19:26

My relationship is turbulent. We love one another but my partner has a horrible temper and we have argued terribly since she moved in with me last year. She has a 12 year old, who she also gets angry with and with whom I have a good relationship. I love her but I cant cope with her moodswings. We had a stressful time staying with my family last night, home today,and she took to her bed. I was relieved to escape them. She is almost deranged. She has now stormed off to see her dad who's in hospital after a fall and is Angry Im not going. I'm not because she made the arrangement without consulting me and its driven by her mothers guilt trip. She never asked me & because its so inconvenient I decided she can do it herself, I've propped her up enough. He isn't that ill.
It sounds crap.
It is crap. She left saying I hope you die I hate you. Slammed doors, broke stained glass in door. I hope stepson didn't hear but I couldn't see him. She's done this before, she builds up to a mad crescendo and I'm left feeling guilty and floored. Well no more. I've dug deep to understand my part in this and I'm fed up with feeling so bloody awful and scared of her moods. I don't want to lose stepson and our lifestyle and I'm worried as she will have to rent and she moved 10 miles from her home town to move in with me. Which was a big deal. I'm on a double dose of anti-ds and I want to drink more than usual because I'm so so pissed off. My self esteem is on the floor. But as I've said before I'm not perfect, and that's kept me hooked in. End of confession. She has just texted an apology for her part in 'it'. I'm so unsure. I can't bear the thought of a horrible break up. I'm too old for it

OP posts:
Original poster
joblot · 22/08/2011 11:49

I started early. Washing machine repair man was here so I cracked on. Feel better already. In work and chirpy.
I seriously value the advice and support you've all given me, thanks again

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/08/2011 13:54

Very pleased to hear that you're having a better day today, long may it continue.

Original poster
joblot · 22/08/2011 21:48

I'm afraid there are 4 seasons in each day currently. Am in spring, after 3 gins. Or summer? Not quite sure. But 1 room done, 4 to go.

I am seething with rage. Was fortunate not to wipe out several people carriers on the way home from work. I lose my job in a few months, so that doesn't help.

No wonder I feel so odd. Agreed to let x have our savings. Sort of makes sense, she can't hold anything over me

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 22/08/2011 22:07

Hold on. You are losing your job, she takes your savings????

HALF OF THEM SURELY?

Come on joblot, you have to make sure you are as secure and fair as possible to BOTH of you.

Original poster
joblot · 22/08/2011 22:21

we saved together for a year, i said she can have it because i have a house and independent savings. i want her to go and she has no savings. i will get temp work i hope. just tedious to have to keep changing. im quite resourceful, fortunately.

all tedious, but inevitably down to choices ive made

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 22/08/2011 22:23

If you can genuinely afford to do it, then fine. But you have to be sensible.

Original poster
joblot · 22/08/2011 22:29

yeah i am. i want her out so i will sacrifice some cash. i have no inherited wealth but i do ok.

i was thinking i'd subtract money for a replacement tv but that will sufffice. i struggle to be hard nosed, im still pretty guult filled. though as i write im starting to think wtf

hmmm

OP posts:
Original poster
joblot · 23/08/2011 09:00

I am so angry this morning I could kill. Is that normal? Every time I move x's stuff I involuntarily mutter very.rude things. I feel like a rumbling volcano

OP posts:
MadameOvary · 23/08/2011 09:06

Anger is GOOD. You are not used to expressing it I think? Try it out, aloud. "I am angry because..." "I I have a right to be angry" "I will not feel guilty for being angry" or even "Raaaaaaaargh!" Smile

Katisha · 23/08/2011 09:08

Yep use that anger and get her stuff out in double quick time!

Sorry about the job situation.

MadameOvary · 23/08/2011 09:11

joblot I have PM'ed you.

RandomMess · 23/08/2011 11:22

Hope you're okay, if you both saved up then surely it's 50/50 each? Madness, seeing as though you've probably subbed the cost of her son over that time?

However getting shot quickly is worth it Smile

Snorbs · 23/08/2011 14:24

Anger is an emotion no more or less so than any other. It's what you do with it that matters. You can use it as a source of energy and motivation (I get so much housework done when I'm pissed off Grin) Just don't let it turn inwards and let it become a stick to beat yourself with.

You were in a bad relationship. You stayed in it because at the time that felt like the right thing to do. You have now left that relationship because what you know now tells you that you do not deserve to be treated like that. Both of those are ok. You can only make choices based on what you know at the time.

Good luck with the job!

Original poster
joblot · 23/08/2011 14:26

It hasn't been a thrifty experience altogether. I'm mulling over the money stuff. Will broach when the end is in sight. Can't bear any more haranguing for now.
Still feel bobbins but there is other stuff affecting my mood too. I have to be careful not to overreact.would ideally like to take to my bed

OP posts:
Original poster
joblot · 23/08/2011 14:31

Yes I need to channel the anger. Difficult at work, but I will go for a run later (drag myself a few yards breathing heavily). I'm talking to friends but feel very down so need physical outlets too I guess?

OP posts:
Original poster
joblot · 23/08/2011 21:44

I did it. Had a run and felt better, a very short one, but enough for me to feel proud of myself for getting my arse out.(Not literally).
Another useful lesson IN coping. I mean I know exercise helps but I've found gin easier.
and then I went for a walk with an old friend and told her what had been happening. Difficult but good. What a yoyo of a day

OP posts:
RabbitPie · 23/08/2011 21:49

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Original poster
joblot · 23/08/2011 22:12

Yes I agree about writing, rabbitpie, helps on here too. Are you free of your previous relationship or still having to have contact?
I was considering writing an experts guide to shit relationships. It helps to think something useful might have emerged from this.

OP posts:
RabbitPie · 23/08/2011 22:26

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Original poster
joblot · 24/08/2011 07:07

Rule number 1 for me is don't have a relationship. Full stop.

OP posts:
RabbitPie · 24/08/2011 07:49

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Original poster
joblot · 24/08/2011 22:46

Your post last night made me think maybe I should make more effort with x, you seem to be able to be civil. I'm rather susceptible to feeling inadequate currently.
I'm glad you've had good support and hope you're still getting it.
X rang tonight after texting a bit, I spoke with her, but I'd said um weary and don't really feel up to it. but I'm polite always hence picking up phone. Anyway she was ok ish but kept pushing and wouldn't accept what I was saying so I ended conversation.
It's easier when there's no contact. I'm utterly worn out from work and this. Physically. Been asleep since getting in.
Ah well, it has to be got through.

OP posts:
Katisha · 24/08/2011 22:55

WHat is she pushing for? Does she still not accept that its over?

Original poster
joblot · 25/08/2011 07:18

She's pushing to talk. No I think shes accepting its over, she says I gave up too quickly, didn't give her a chance, she loves me I'm her world etc. And that son is devastated and can't understand. She's seeing a counsellor today, hope she uses it well.
It's a hard time and I'm so tired, feels a bit like I can't see the finish line.

OP posts:
MadameOvary · 25/08/2011 08:07

Joblot, it certainly sounds like it is over for you, but remember she will not (yet) feel the same, no matter what she says, otherwise she would have ended it, not you. She is being forced to go along with your wishes. I am going through similar right now - the relationship is over for me, completely broken, and although my ex is going along with it, I get occasional "miss you" texts and "I hope we can get back together again"
Remember she will be unable to look at her behaviour objectively and will be used to a familiar pattern of breakup and get back together.

It is a very wearying time, but this is YOUR truth and YOUR reality, keep hold of that, even as she tries to tell you otherwise.