dh- sudden violence

[underachiever]

My dh and I have been together for 18 happy years but yesterday we were discussing our building project that is currently underway (it is behind schedule and a bit stressful. I admit to often ranting about the builder and it really stresses dh out) he warned me to shut up because he was getting really mad but I didn't and he reached across the table and grabbed me round the neck with both hands and shook me hard.
I locked myself in the toilet and cried for a bit.

When I came out he had typed this on my computer:
You are killing me, you are driving me nuts- I have to suffer your constant ranting- no one else gets the hassle- it is sooooo frustrating for me and you have driven me to do something awful. But I feel as if Im acting under diminished responsibility as you are messing with my mind- I snapped totally because Im haunted by your nastiness and the stress you are creating over this. I am TRYING MY BEST to sort this out- to make you happy- but you criticise everything and Im stuck in the middle. ITS NOT FAIR- I want to scream!! YOU are causing this enormous stress by your response and the worst thing is that you just can't see it- which makes me worry for the future. None of it really matters- I just want to run away now and not come back.
Please help me.

I know I have been ranting about the builder a lot, and I know he is doubly stressed trying to deal with the builder and putting up with me getting cross about it too, but it's not the most stressful thing in the world is it? He worries for the future as he says because if I get worse with my ranting I might provoke him to do something worse.

We have been together for 18 years and have always been very happy together, but from time to time I do feel uncomfortable particularly with the way he reacts when the children misbehave. Sometimes he will grab them quite roughly and he is 6'4 and they are 5yo & 7yo. Sometimes he will grab our ds and hold him up against the wall (high up with his feet dangling) and shout at him. I tell him it's inappropriate but he tells me I'm over-reacting.

This sounds absolutely terrible when I write it down but 99.9% of the time he is totally lovely and loads of fun, a great dad and really romantic and thoughtful but just from time to time the red mist descends.

We talked a little about yesterday's incident, he explained how much I wound him up and I've tried to put it out of my mind as a once in a lifetime abberation. But, tonight dd was being giddy and not listening to him so he went over and grabbed her by the head and shouted loudly in her ear.

He's gone to his spinning class now. Luckily my cousin (who is a massive bloke) is arriving in a bit and stopping the night so we won't be alone with him but I'm not sure what to do next.

GP should be able to refer you to who can hurt you - LOL at typo!

Try to talk to Respect yourself first, they are quicker to answer phone than WA. Then ask him to. Have a look at their website, it's very helpful and also it's for every kind and degree of violence.

Underachiever please believe me, there is absolutely nothing, nothing that YOU can do to make sure this never happens again apart from having a zero tolerance attitude towards any abusive behaviour towards you or your children. You have to let him know that this is it now, and if you feel intimidated or afraid at all again that you will leave. And mean it. You can't make this better with any amount of effort on your part.

In an emergency you can take your children and get to a refuge, there ARE places that you can go to, that are safe, you DO NOT, EVER have to put up with being afraid or hurt again. You never deserve it, you are not the problem. HE is the problem. You don't have to wait until your life is in danger AGAIN to do this. The emergency has already happened, and could well happen again at any time. He is dangerous, please do not let him justify or minimise what has happened. It is literally a matter of life and death that you start planning your escape, now.

If you love your children (and I know of course, you do) you have to protect them from him love, even though the thought of being on your own is scary and you worry about the effect on your kids, it is nothing compared to the alternative. Having your little ones seeing their mother hurt or killed or the trauma of being terrorised by a giant bully of a man. Leaving him is the only way you can protect them from that.

The fact is you can't trust him, he could have killed you and terrorises little children, how can you ever get past that, why should you ever have to? A good person would NEVER do those things.

I know after so long together it seems huge to think about ending it, and I understand that you want to see how you can 'fix' this problem. I know you want to believe that this is a blip and that it won't happen again, but you are taking a huge risk by underestimating the seriousness of the situation. Something has snapped in him and he is escalating his abuse, and quickly. You have to realise that the image of your family in your head isn't reality. Look, really look at what is in front of your eyes, SEE what is happening, listen to and trust the voice inside you that tells you that this is unfixable.

Right now, ring Women's Aid, (repeatedly if you have to, keep ringing until you get to speak to someone), Refuge and contact your local police station and ask to speak to the Domestic abuse worker. Please consider telling anyone and everyone that can help you and give you information. Knowledge is power and you need to start making some plans. Also consider contacting a solicitor and speaking to your rl friends and family. Let people know what has been going on, break the silence and let people help you. You have to reach out now love and start to get the help and support you need to end this and start again.

You can do this, I promise. You can and will be happy again, but first of all you have to take the first step of talking to people and getting the support you need. Keep posting on here and keep reaching out.
Hugs to you tonight, take care.

please call womens aid. talk it through.

you dh doesnt know what to do to stop himself??he "cant help it"?

so he doesnt accept repsonsibility?
if he cant control himself then yes you and dc are at risk from him - til he learns how to control himself...

I really think you should entertain the possibility that the relationship is over.

I only say this because I had a relationship with a violent man, and the first time it happened people said to me "he'll do it again you know". But I refused to believe them, as we were so in love, he apologised, and we talked it through so much that I thought we had truly resolved whatever it was that made him do it, and I really believed we had addressed the issue.

BUT then a few months later, it happened all over again. This time we talked and talked, and he apologised and apologised once again, going over all the same old ground. And so I thought we had worked it out once again, and guess what...I stayed with him.

But by that stage in the relationship I had turned into a mental wreck.
One side of my brain wanted to believe that this man had got over his "issues" and would be true to his word that he wouldn't use violence again. But the other side was permanently petrified, every time there was a murder on the news I thought "that could be me" and my blood ran cold.

I eventually spent some time apart from him when I went home to visit my family one Christmas, and I suddenly realised what a wreck I had become. It took that bit of separation to realise that living in fear is not love, however much you think you love that person.

If this man is making you frightened to be with him, then please I pray that you realise that that is not love.

Are your children frightened of him? If they are please, that is not love...