dh- sudden violence

[underachiever]

My dh and I have been together for 18 happy years but yesterday we were discussing our building project that is currently underway (it is behind schedule and a bit stressful. I admit to often ranting about the builder and it really stresses dh out) he warned me to shut up because he was getting really mad but I didn't and he reached across the table and grabbed me round the neck with both hands and shook me hard.
I locked myself in the toilet and cried for a bit.

When I came out he had typed this on my computer:
You are killing me, you are driving me nuts- I have to suffer your constant ranting- no one else gets the hassle- it is sooooo frustrating for me and you have driven me to do something awful. But I feel as if Im acting under diminished responsibility as you are messing with my mind- I snapped totally because Im haunted by your nastiness and the stress you are creating over this. I am TRYING MY BEST to sort this out- to make you happy- but you criticise everything and Im stuck in the middle. ITS NOT FAIR- I want to scream!! YOU are causing this enormous stress by your response and the worst thing is that you just can't see it- which makes me worry for the future. None of it really matters- I just want to run away now and not come back.
Please help me.

I know I have been ranting about the builder a lot, and I know he is doubly stressed trying to deal with the builder and putting up with me getting cross about it too, but it's not the most stressful thing in the world is it? He worries for the future as he says because if I get worse with my ranting I might provoke him to do something worse.

We have been together for 18 years and have always been very happy together, but from time to time I do feel uncomfortable particularly with the way he reacts when the children misbehave. Sometimes he will grab them quite roughly and he is 6'4 and they are 5yo & 7yo. Sometimes he will grab our ds and hold him up against the wall (high up with his feet dangling) and shout at him. I tell him it's inappropriate but he tells me I'm over-reacting.

This sounds absolutely terrible when I write it down but 99.9% of the time he is totally lovely and loads of fun, a great dad and really romantic and thoughtful but just from time to time the red mist descends.

We talked a little about yesterday's incident, he explained how much I wound him up and I've tried to put it out of my mind as a once in a lifetime abberation. But, tonight dd was being giddy and not listening to him so he went over and grabbed her by the head and shouted loudly in her ear.

He's gone to his spinning class now. Luckily my cousin (who is a massive bloke) is arriving in a bit and stopping the night so we won't be alone with him but I'm not sure what to do next.

welshbyrd and bbbbob talk real sense here OP.

Op is this the first and only time your husband has ever been violent towards you and children ?

Completely agree with bbbob and changeforthe better*

It is the most extreme form of emotional abuse for a child to witness one parent kill the other, see the body being disposed of, etc - well I'm sure you can imagine without me spelling it out.

Witnessing a murder also puts the childs life at high risk because they need to be silenced.

And suicide by the murderer. I'm sure this all sounds very melodramatic.

But

It does happen - I'm certain you will have seen similiar cases reported in the media.

even if there is suddenly something wrong with your husband for whatever reason, even if you think it is your duty to help him out, it is not more important than safeguarding your children
they are your responsibility they are truly vulnerable.

think of yourself and your children first, please

It seems clear to me that you have diminished the aggression and violence shown towards you and the children over the years OP. Ok your husband has not strangled you before but i suspect that he has at least been aggressive and dismissive in his approach and has shown outright aggression to your children over the years.

If it was just you in the relationship your decision to leave and free yourself of potential violence/ stay and receive further escalating violence at the hands of your husband is your choice, you are an adult with life experience, knowledge and facts about DV. However your kids are at the mercy of your decision making they are innocent, without experience and without choice, therefore you must ask your husband to leave with the support of Women's Aid/ police.

Do it for your children if not yourself. They must not live with the fear of violence and aggression in their lives. This is your DUTY as a parent. Put all else aside and think about the KIDS.

Please don't let this go OP, however much he tries to persuade you. Do you really believe it'll never happen again?

Maybe he is suffering severe stress or is ill - that doesn't diminish the need for you to make your you and your children are safe.

He says he's apologised, there's nothing more he can do. That's not true. He could voluntarily find somewhere else to stay for the short term, to make you feel safe and secure in your own home. He can seek help (counselling, anger management) for the severe stress he's apparently suffering, and try to find non-violent ways of managing it. He would do these things if it was important to him to make sure he never hurt or frightened you (or the children) again. If he was a good man who had 'snapped' like this through intolerable stress, he would be horrified at what he'd done, and desperate to ensure it never happened again, and to do whatever it took to win your forgiveness and trust again. Not assuming you'll just 'move on' as though it was no big deal.

And he could apologise properly, by which I mean taking responsibility for what he did, what kind of apology is it when he's still essentially blaming you for 'stressing' him and making out it's your own fault?

OP I think the council can help you get in touch with womens refuges. Go into the council with your documents like passports and birth certs, dc favourite toys that you can carry and take the dc. Go early like now and they will have longer in the day to emergency re house you via WA. Good luck, and please dont act like everything is nomal. That will just give him the thumbs up that his behaviour is acceptable.

We have had a very long talk this morning.
He has taken responsibility for what he has done and accepted that it is totally wrong and intolerable and has undertaken to make sure nothing like that ever happens again.
I have told him that if it does he will have to leave.
I am going to stay with my parents for a while with the children.
I think now we both realise how serious this is and I really hope he will act to make sure it never happens again.

OP, aside from one, er, misguided person, the advice has been excellent and consistent.

Please keep us updated.

Fwiw, you know how unacceptable his behaviour to you and your kids has been, but you're preparing to brush it under the carpet because you're afraid of his reaction. You're preparing to keep yourself and your children in a home - your home, your safe place - where you are constantly trying to act normal, trying to figure out what won't set him off. Maybe it seems to be the easy route in the short term, but what the hell are you setting yourself -and them - up for in the long term? Please move out.

oop, cross posts.

And well done, I hope things work out.

What has he undertaken to make sure this never happens again?
Glad you're going to stay with your parents. Will you tell them what has happened?
Wishing you all the best

That sounds like a good plan underachiever, staying with your parents for a while. You are being very strong :)
Is he going to go to anger management for some help?

How will anger management help? If he only loses his temper and gets violent with his OH and no-one else then it is not an anger mangement issue, clearly he can manage his anger with others so why not with mother of his children? Because he chooses not to

I would suggest counselling over anger management, anger management is to help control your action is temper
OPs DH CAN control his actions - OP quite clearly stated she had her big/stocky male family member over last night so knew her DH would not get abusive again. Which is basically saying, he will only become abuse to subjects/people who are not able to defend themselves
counselling is better - quite clearly OPs DH is very very stressed at the moment

welshbyrd - you worded it much better than I did.

I wasnt suggesting he went to anger management, I was asking IF he was going to anger management.
He has taken responsibility for what he has done and accepted that it is totally wrong and intolerable and has undertaken to make sure nothing like that ever happens again.
Due to what OP wrote here.
It was a question. FFS Can nobody ask a question without being flamed on a thread anymore.

Sorry I think I was reading what wasn't there - Its just I hate seeing the words "anger management" used in the same sentence as domestic violence - it gives a false hope.
Don't understand how in less than 36hours this man can go from saying its all the OPs fault to now stating he has undertaken steps to ensure it won't happen again.
He's reeling her back in and I am worried for her.

I am too. My mum was battered for 6 years by my Dad.
He light bulb moment was when he headbutted her. She had been hospitalized in the past by him.
From what my mum has told me, it doesnt matter what anybody says it is down to that individual to see the light. And the best thing we can do is try to guide OP and if she chooses a different path, then to be there for her when she needs it. And for her to know that we will be here if she needs more help.

Her not he

Several posters have said it already: it doesn't matter why your dh is acting in the way he does: if he puts one finger wrong while strangling you you will end up dead and your children will be alone in the world. And if he pushes them a little too hard whilst chastising them, they may end up dead.

It may be that he has mental health issues, it may be that you should feel sorry for him- but that won't keep your children safe. Your first duty is towards their safety.

If you are to have any chance of working with your dh, he must first accept that you have a genuine reason to be frightened, and that you will be frightened until he accepts responsibility and makes that doctor's appointment. Telling you that you are driving him to do this is basically telling you that he anticipates doing it again if you ever go against what he wants.

So, so pleased to hear that you're going to stay with your parents, for a while, OP. Will you be confiding in them?

What is your husband planning to do to make certain this doesn't happen again?

I hope that his plans will include a GP consultation to identify any physical or mental health problem apart from stress that can be treated.

I can see both sides of the anger management debate here - clearly local resources will play a part in whats available, whether or not you can afford private treatment, the length of the waiting list, and how long you are both prepared to wait - anger management tends to be effective more quickly than counselling/psychotherapy.

CBT can sometimes be a very helpful solution.

He is a total bastard, a bully, and a very nasty bit of work....
How can you love that?
You dont love him, you bloody fear him.. . . . .
He is treating you and you children in a most disgusting fashion and he deserves nothing more than you and little ones to leave him.

He has a dangerous fowl temper and he needs to deal with it and go to anger management. (not that even this always helps)
Imagine how much worse he will be towards you and the children when they are teenagers, and getting really difficult and defiant! He is teaching his children that the only way to behave when stressed and angry is to be violent.

I have tolerated 2 partners like this in my life . It has taken me 25 yrs to pick the right man. Someone kind, caring, tolerant and loving.
You deserve better. None of HIS behaviour is your fault.... you have done nothing wrong. All this temper and aggression is HIS anger, HIS sadness and his bad behaviour. It is all his issue which he must deal with.
Do you want you kids to see you treated like dirt all their childhood?
Take steps to make your life and your kids lives happier and more secure... in whatever way you feel is right.
I dont believe in telling someone what to do, cos I am not in the situation. Only you know what is right to do.
So sorry you are going through all this terrible stuff. I have every sympathy.
Stay strong, and walk away from him at home , dont get sucked into any heated discussions. Tell him you will chat to him later when he has calmed down. Thei kids shouldnt have to live in fear of their fathers violence and fowl temper.
Plus, if he is aggressive again, then call the Police. His aggressive behaviour is beyond Common Assault, its Actual Bodily Harm, for which he can go to court and pay fines.
You are fully entitled to an Injunction to keep him away from the house. The way he treats the children is also assault, abusive and not acceptable in society.

Only just read the latest. Glad you are taking good steps to sorting things out. and staying at your parents.
I just hope your DH stick to his word. So many do say they wont do it again, but they do... so just be very cautious.
Good luck.

If you want to start protecting yourselves - you and your children - make sure that you tell your parents EXACTLY what happened. And what has been happening, to your children.

Make sure he knows this.

The conspiracy of silence is one of the main things protecting this man's bullying abusive behaviour.

Secondly, don't for a minute be naive enough to believe that he's suddenly had some sort of massive wake-up call. He's still the same man who thinks it's absolutely justified to spring up and grab his wife by the throat, and to intimidate and hurt his children. The only thing that has changed is the fact that he has seen that he might have pushed things too far, you might actually now take a stand against his behaviour and leave - and he doesn't want that. So he is trying to placate you.

Keep a copy of his little 'justification' statement - that is terrifying, by the way - but get it off your pc.

The best and safest thing for your children would be for you to visit the police station and make a statement to them - but I have a feeling you won't.

So do try and see the safety in at least 'exposing' his behaviour to your family. Primarily, your children need protecting here. It really is your duty to do that regardless of your feelings about how your own couple-relationship should now proceed. He has assaulted both you and them. Do not downplay that.

Good luck.