Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh- sudden violence

180 replies

underachiever · 05/08/2011 20:36

My dh and I have been together for 18 happy years but yesterday we were discussing our building project that is currently underway (it is behind schedule and a bit stressful. I admit to often ranting about the builder and it really stresses dh out) he warned me to shut up because he was getting really mad but I didn't and he reached across the table and grabbed me round the neck with both hands and shook me hard.
I locked myself in the toilet and cried for a bit.

When I came out he had typed this on my computer:
You are killing me, you are driving me nuts- I have to suffer your constant ranting- no one else gets the hassle- it is sooooo frustrating for me and you have driven me to do something awful. But I feel as if Im acting under diminished responsibility as you are messing with my mind- I snapped totally because Im haunted by your nastiness and the stress you are creating over this. I am TRYING MY BEST to sort this out- to make you happy- but you criticise everything and Im stuck in the middle. ITS NOT FAIR- I want to scream!! YOU are causing this enormous stress by your response and the worst thing is that you just can't see it- which makes me worry for the future. None of it really matters- I just want to run away now and not come back.
Please help me.

I know I have been ranting about the builder a lot, and I know he is doubly stressed trying to deal with the builder and putting up with me getting cross about it too, but it's not the most stressful thing in the world is it? He worries for the future as he says because if I get worse with my ranting I might provoke him to do something worse.

We have been together for 18 years and have always been very happy together, but from time to time I do feel uncomfortable particularly with the way he reacts when the children misbehave. Sometimes he will grab them quite roughly and he is 6'4 and they are 5yo & 7yo. Sometimes he will grab our ds and hold him up against the wall (high up with his feet dangling) and shout at him. I tell him it's inappropriate but he tells me I'm over-reacting.

This sounds absolutely terrible when I write it down but 99.9% of the time he is totally lovely and loads of fun, a great dad and really romantic and thoughtful but just from time to time the red mist descends.

We talked a little about yesterday's incident, he explained how much I wound him up and I've tried to put it out of my mind as a once in a lifetime abberation. But, tonight dd was being giddy and not listening to him so he went over and grabbed her by the head and shouted loudly in her ear.

He's gone to his spinning class now. Luckily my cousin (who is a massive bloke) is arriving in a bit and stopping the night so we won't be alone with him but I'm not sure what to do next.

OP posts:
ScarlettIsWalking · 05/08/2011 21:23

This is terrifying to me.

This behaviour is really, really serious. He sounds like he is almost reaching boiling point (not in any way your fault) and about to do something extremely serious.

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 21:25

yes of course if things get better you can work on the relationship, this doesn't have to be a big dramatic 'end'

but for the time being he's acting bonkers and you've a DUTY to protect your kids and yourself from his unpredictable behaviour which could honestly turn bad very fast from what you've said

itstooearly · 05/08/2011 21:26

Does he treat other people this way, has he held the builder up against a wall, throttled him or held his head and shouted at him? Probably not, he knows what he is doing and he has control over it because he only does it to you and the children.

BertieBotts · 05/08/2011 21:28

Holding the children up against the wall "sometimes" has totally shocked me and I've heard a lot. In fact XP used to get beaten (with a belt) by his stepfather, and even as an adult would flinch if he made a sudden movement towards him, spoke about his childhood "discipline" as a matter of fact thing but one incident where he was a teenager, too big to hit, because he might hit back, and following a serious behaviour incident his stepdad pushed him up against a wall to shout at and threaten him, and he was under no illusions that this was acceptable (and he grew up in the 90s, so it's not like belting was a common practice at the time).

It sounds like you've been totally desensitised to this behaviour, but really, REALLY REALLY, all of this is unacceptable. He is actually being abusive towards your children, repeatedly, and you in this one incident (though I expect if you start looking you will find more). And I know that will sound extreme when he's nice the other 99% of the time, but lovely, they ALL ARE. Even if he was an actual, perfect saint the rest of the time, it could never ever make up for the threat of these occasional outbursts. He should have sought help for this a long time ago, and if he won't, then it's you who needs to protect yourself and your children, I'm sorry.

Original poster
underachiever · 05/08/2011 21:29

He has just come back acting perfectly normally. He asked me why I was subdued and I told him he knew why.
He got exasperated with me and said 'why can't you just leave things alone, you don't know when to drop the subject. You'll just go on and on and on about things until you drive me mad' Then he said he'd go somewhere else tonight

OP posts:
Ephiny · 05/08/2011 21:31

Surely he can't expect you to just 'drop the subject' and forget something like that happened! Shock

Good to hear he's staying away tonight, at least you can feel safer and have a bit of time to decide what to do next/

BoysintheHood · 05/08/2011 21:32

Good, you need time and space to think. While he is gone talk to your cousin and call the police. If nothing else therewill be a record of the incident. None of this is your fault. Focus on keeping yourself and your children safe.

natandjacob · 05/08/2011 21:37

so let him leave tonight, he's trying to make you think this is all your fault. he wants you to forget all about him throttling you and being violent to your dc's.
no one has the right to treat you like that, or your children.
as other posters have said, this doesnt have to mean your relationship is over but this man can not be trusted. its heartbreaking making the first move in standing up for yourself but it gets easier every time. hope you get through this ok

stickylittlefingers · 05/08/2011 21:42

underachiever, sweetheart, you're not seeing things right.

It DOES NOT MATTER what you've done, what the children have done. Normal people do not react like your husband has done, not to anything. It's totally abnormal and wrong. The very fact that you are saying "oh he only does this sometimes" is very very disturbing.

TheOriginalFAB · 05/08/2011 21:42

I get how hard this must be but your husband has assaulted your children and you. What else does he have to do to make you see you have to get him out? What he has typed on your computer is not normal.

scurryfunge · 05/08/2011 21:44

He brings up the phrase "diminished responsibility". You have to get out.

DrPolidori · 05/08/2011 21:53

Tell him when your cousin is there that he has to go. That you WILL be reporting his actions to the police the next day. So going is the least of his problems. If he wants it to be unpleasant, you will call them right now, but for the dcs you will do it in the morning, when he is away from the house.

If he kicks off, call the police anyway. You have backup.

I only advocate this because your cousin will there there. otherwise I woudl have the police round right now waiting for him to come back.

Original poster
underachiever · 05/08/2011 21:57

He has come back muttering that 'I'm not going anywhere'.

OP posts:
kingbeat23 · 05/08/2011 21:57

Speaking from someone who has been in your position, I know how all over the place you might feel and how torn you feel i which way to go. Only you can decide.

However, I do not think this will be the last of it, and that it may well escalate.

MN is a mine of support and use it. I feel for you, I really do, but advice is the same as the rest and to say that this behaviour is totally unacceptable and to really have a think about how your relationship evolves from now. My DV counsellor put it like this, if it was a total stranger and not your husbnd that had done this what would your response be and why is it different that it is someone you know, trust and love doing to you?

fuzzywuzzy · 05/08/2011 21:59

Nobody uses the word 'diminished responsibility' unless they're building a defense in court!

Bloody hell, he's going to use these emails to you in court action if it comes down to it. That email is not the words of a hysterical unthinking person, it'; calm and rational with a bit of legal speak thrown in!

Call womens aid, you need RL help.

You may not realise the extent that you and the chidlren are walkign on eggshells around him, till he's gone from your lives.

Out of curiousity, if in your stress over the builders you screamed in your 'D'H;s face or went at him to smack him one, how do you suppose he would react, would he blithely accept that you are just venting a littel steam from all the stress???

Ring womens aid even if you do nothing else.

malinkey · 05/08/2011 21:59

When you say he typed it on the computer was it a document he'd left up on the screen for you to read? Was it an email to someone? It's such an odd thing to do, I'm more shocked by that than the violence to you and your DCs - which IS shocking.

Original poster
underachiever · 05/08/2011 22:00

I can't talk to my cousin about this. he is just about to emigrate, has had a big falling out with the gf that he is emigrating with, and has just had a row with his sister- he's coming to us for advice and support. He's quite emotionally vulnerable so it wouldn't be good to off load on him.
I don't think I know anyone that I could talk to about this.

OP posts:
ilovejondanby · 05/08/2011 22:02

Please leave. You know its wrong. But if you stay and you feel you have noone to talk to please use mn. It won't stop but i have a feeling you already know that, you can't leave until you're ready - but please know (from a survivor of DV) that tyhings won't fall apart if you leave, you won't lose the kids if you leave, you won't be skint if you leave....you will have a brand new life and its worth it - you and your kids are worth it! x

malinkey · 05/08/2011 22:03

He probably thought you'd beg him not to go or something. But he feels so entitled that he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, so why should he leave.

If a normal person did any one of the things he'd done they would be mortified and would do anything you asked to try and make things better, whether that meant leaving forever or anything else. His is not the reaction of someone who thinks they've done something wrong. I'm concerned that things will get worse if you don't do anything.

Original poster
underachiever · 05/08/2011 22:03

He typed it on my mac as a 'note' while i was locked in the loo crying.
he showed me it when i came out.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 05/08/2011 22:03

That is what the police is for.

FabbyChic · 05/08/2011 22:04

He needs help before he explodes, you exacerbate the situation with your constant nagging, he is only a man, one man he cannot do everything and he cannot walk on water. He is close to breaking point you either help him now or he sinks.

He is crying out for help. Stop nagging let him get on with things in his own way.

Let him be the master rather than you keep telling him non stop what to do and how to do it.

He CANNOT manhandle the children that has to stop and it has to stop now, you have to handle the children and make sure that whilst he is as stressed as he is that he gets peace and quiet that they behave and do as they are told.

Tell them that daddy is going through a bad time and that they have to be good to help him.

If you truly love him then help him get over these bad times before he does something that makes things impossible to continue.

malinkey · 05/08/2011 22:05

So not only is he refusing to accept responsibility, he's blaming you for his behaviour. There's no way that his behaviour will get better. Please call the police.

GypsyMoth · 05/08/2011 22:07

i remember a few years back another poster here going through similiar,turned ouut he was taking drugs. any chance?

i have been through this. get out,change of circs even temporarily,do give you a fresh perspective

you will be priority for housing and get benefits if you go WA/hostel route. you will be fine

malinkey · 05/08/2011 22:07

So Fabby, you think it's ok for the poor ickle man to strangle his wife? Shock