dh- sudden violence

[underachiever]

My dh and I have been together for 18 happy years but yesterday we were discussing our building project that is currently underway (it is behind schedule and a bit stressful. I admit to often ranting about the builder and it really stresses dh out) he warned me to shut up because he was getting really mad but I didn't and he reached across the table and grabbed me round the neck with both hands and shook me hard.
I locked myself in the toilet and cried for a bit.

When I came out he had typed this on my computer:
You are killing me, you are driving me nuts- I have to suffer your constant ranting- no one else gets the hassle- it is sooooo frustrating for me and you have driven me to do something awful. But I feel as if Im acting under diminished responsibility as you are messing with my mind- I snapped totally because Im haunted by your nastiness and the stress you are creating over this. I am TRYING MY BEST to sort this out- to make you happy- but you criticise everything and Im stuck in the middle. ITS NOT FAIR- I want to scream!! YOU are causing this enormous stress by your response and the worst thing is that you just can't see it- which makes me worry for the future. None of it really matters- I just want to run away now and not come back.
Please help me.

I know I have been ranting about the builder a lot, and I know he is doubly stressed trying to deal with the builder and putting up with me getting cross about it too, but it's not the most stressful thing in the world is it? He worries for the future as he says because if I get worse with my ranting I might provoke him to do something worse.

We have been together for 18 years and have always been very happy together, but from time to time I do feel uncomfortable particularly with the way he reacts when the children misbehave. Sometimes he will grab them quite roughly and he is 6'4 and they are 5yo & 7yo. Sometimes he will grab our ds and hold him up against the wall (high up with his feet dangling) and shout at him. I tell him it's inappropriate but he tells me I'm over-reacting.

This sounds absolutely terrible when I write it down but 99.9% of the time he is totally lovely and loads of fun, a great dad and really romantic and thoughtful but just from time to time the red mist descends.

We talked a little about yesterday's incident, he explained how much I wound him up and I've tried to put it out of my mind as a once in a lifetime abberation. But, tonight dd was being giddy and not listening to him so he went over and grabbed her by the head and shouted loudly in her ear.

He's gone to his spinning class now. Luckily my cousin (who is a massive bloke) is arriving in a bit and stopping the night so we won't be alone with him but I'm not sure what to do next.

Are you there OP? I have to sign off but please please come back, and tell us how you are. Don't be put off from posting, we're all just bloody outraged for you and the children. Hope you are safe.

Stressed?? WTF. I have hurt my dh by doing some terrible things and he has never raised a finger to me. NO excuse for what this idiot has done to his wife and children.

OP - is your cousin still in the house with you?

if he wont go tonight then you must, with your children, use the fact that your cousin is there to your advantage - but you MUST not be around this man.

when i see a victim of DV i have to ask some questions as a risk assessment - one of those is has your partner ever tried to choke, smother or strangle you.

if the answer is yes it indicates an increased risk to the victim - please listen to what the majority on here are saying - you MUST get out now, with the children.

OP - what your partner did to you was horribly dangerous; he could easily have killed you. A nerve called the vagus nerve runs through the neck. Sudden compression of this nerve can cause your heart to stop. This, coupled with his abuse of your children is so appalling that I am really afraid for you all.

I am not a doctor but I had heard of vagal inhibition and just googled it to refresh my memory. Your partner is a time bomb waiting to explode and he neither knows nor cares about how dangerous his behaviour is. You cannot contain it by pussyfooting around him and telling your children not to annoy Daddy.

0808 2000 247 women's aid helpline number x

You've been together a long time but your dcs are still quite young. It may be that he was able to keep his latent abusive behaviour in check and he's now allowing it to show.

You need to do one thing. Don't act quickly, be careful, contact Womens Aid first thing tomorrow - they will be able to talk this through with you on a personal level. Go to the police to report the incidents - of abuse on the dcs and yourself so it's recorded. They won't rush in guns blazing, you do need it on the record in case things get worse and you need emergency help.

You will be in shock about this horrendous betrayal of your trust. I don't see anything in the message other than that he is admitting that he has lost control, in fact it is quite self-aware of him to recognise that this is a dangerous situation and he needs help.

The trouble is there is very little you can do to change this. Your behaviour is not the cause of his violence - and therefore if you change your behaviour it will not make him 'better'. The best you can do is to try and get him on some kind of program to deal with it - but your safety is a more urgent matter.

rufus,thats what my ex was trying to do with me when he attempted to strangle me (he was armed forces and knew about compressing this vein)i felt one side of my throat touch the other. he stopped because i faked passing out,i went limp.

he later admitted in a forensic psych asessment he had intended to kill me. we were splitting up,he felt he might as well as he'd lost us all anyway. he got no access to dc.

Fabby your comment about telling the DC that ythey have to be good in order to appease daddy is despicable

Children who have been pinned up against the wall by a 6 foot 4 bloke and shouted at. Good grief.

Fabby, sorry but that is bullshit. Not all abusers start off abusing from early on. My dad didn't. He left it a good few years. When it started my mum thought the same as you - oh he's stressed, lets help him - you know where it ended up because we have spoken on threads before. The violence got worse and worse. She ended up fucking killing herself.
Sorry but I am so angry right now.
OP if your H is having a breakdown and is being violent the best thing you can do is get away from him. If he really is truly having a breakdown then when he is "better" wouldn't he want to know that you had removed yourself?
Sadly, I think there is no breakdown, stress maybe, but actually just alot of excuses to bully you and control you.

Whatever the "cause" of his behaviour the right thing for you to is to get away from him.
Hope some/any of this makes sense - I feel so tense right now I'm not sure I have managed to express what I mean.

As a mother you MUST protect your children from harm at ALL costs.

If you stay with this abuser then you are NOT protecting them, you are actually putting them in harm's way.

Also, if your children continue to see you stay with a man who is terrifying then how do you think their lives will be affected ?, FOREVER.

Please get yourself and your children safe

sorry about your Mum - so very sad.

The only thing I agree with Fabby is that you DP should go to the Doctors and be honest (whether he will or not will tell you an awful lot).
If he does go to the Drs/attend counselling you should still get out. his response to this will tell you alot.

OP are you OK this morning? Let us know as we're worried about you.

I have tried the women's aid helpline four times but I can't get to speak to anyone.
Dh gave me a cuddle this morning but I can't act completely normally.he said 'so you're still in a mard with me then?' and turned over and went back to sleep.
Last night he said 'I've apologised (the text message) there's nothing more a person can do after that. You'll just have to move on'
I don't think I can move on with two scary incidents in two days. I don't know who to talk to in rl. Dh is going to get wound up if I don't snap back into normal behaviour, but he won't accept that he is in the wrong here. He seems to believe that it's because I have been stressing him.
I'm not sure what to do- I just don't know. The easy thing to do would be to go back to normal behaviour and act as if nothing has happened and everything will be as normal.
I may be winding him up, maybe I am really really aggravating but dd is not, she is actually a very well behaved child and she didnt deserve that yesterday. How do I make dh see that it is unacceptable?

You can't make him see that it's unacceptable because he thinks it's entirely acceptable. You are his wife, therefore you belong to him and he can do what he likes with you and the DC.
If you can't get through to WA call the local police DV unit. Your H is not sorry for what he has done, and he IS going to attack you and the DC again.

Damn, long msg then my baby shuts off the computer tower. jeez! sgb is right, you can do nothing except protect youself and your children. Please do something, we have all suggested it, we are all concerned that he is showing the signs that he will do this again, can you see that?

Is your cousin still there? I agree with SGB you need to get help from WA or someone else who can support you through this and get you all to a safe place. How is your DD after last night?

underachiever - if you go back to normal behaviour and act as if nothing has happened ,what will you do next time this happens? When will you do something?

So you go back to "nomal" behaviour which equates to any kind of behaviour that doesn't make him angry, upset, stressed or any way upset? that you go to a behaviour where you and the family are walking on eggshells just so you don't "set him off".

I'm sorry Achiever, but that's a bollocks attitude to have. I know I'm being harsh here, but sometimes that's what you need to hear. I can kind of get what Fabby was trying to say in the clumsy, crap style it was put i.e. your DH sounds like he is having a mini-breakdown and needs supporting, i don't believe it however, but you will be able to help him from afar if he is.

Is there anyone in RL that you and the children can go to for a few days? You don't need to explain to anyone why but it might give you and him a bit of breathing space to think what the next step should be.

I don't like to be in the "leave the barstard" scenario as it is your life, but i did have a touch of the amityville "GET OUT!" when i read your post OP.

underachiever - The first EVER act of violence I received was being strangled, it got so bad pretty quickly after

I moved 400 miles into a Women Refuge

I agree your DH does sound very very stressed, however, please do not allow this to be swept under the carpet.If you do not, he knows there are no consequences.
Im not explaining this well, but I am really trying, basically, if he is not prepared to talk about it, and happy to ignore/move on without dealing with it, then where does that leave you? the next time he stressed? the next time you ask him a question more than once? the next time you same something to him he does not like?
You ignore this, and I really feel it will escalate

What he did to you and your DS is ABUSE

Im not going to tell you to leave him [though I probably would], I appreciate 18 years is a long time

However, you do at least need to tell him to leave, for a month/2 months, however long it takes him to get anger management/counselling [FWIW, I do not think your DH has an anger issue, you have stated that nothing would have happened last night, as your great big man relative is staying, this proves he can control himself]

I say anger management because he needs to know there are consequences for his behavior ...eg leaving the family home, accept he has been abusive

Try this, and eventually move him back into the family home, the next time he loses his temper, he knows what is at risk, and maybe he will think twice, if it does not stop him, then nothing will, then Im afraid your looking at a life of abuse, or a happy single non-bruised mother

Goodluck in the future

If you do sweep it under the carpet* gosh sorry!!!! 3hours sleep is not recommended

This isn't a safe situation for anyone in your family, including your husband.

Please remove yourself from this situation, today. You are risking everyone getting hurt. When 'father murders mother' children lose both parents - can you imagine the trauma to your DC? Or the regret of your husband?

It's not clear from your posts exactly how suddenly your husbands personality has changed. He might be physically ill - brain tumour, dementia, stroke, epilepsy etc.

Whatever the cause for his change in personality the simple fact remains that you need to be apart from him.
IF he really thought his behaviour was wrong he would understand this and would be trying to find out/get help for the sudden change.
Your DH is telling you how life will be from now on. Its your fault, you drove him to it, you need to move on etc etc and so the cycle continues.

Your kids are 5 and 7??

Women's Aid and police.

I did DV training at work recently. Strangulation is a common form of murder in DV homicides, we were told.

Please get help to keep you and your kids safe.

Its disgusting what he has done to you and your children, you must see that?

Honestly, for the safety of yourself and your DC'S you do need to get away from this abuser.

This 'man' is making you excuse his behaviour by saying things like you do nag, etc. So what if you do?, this prick has absolutely NO right whatsoever to lay a finger on you or your DC'S.

As others have said, he will continue to be violent to ALL of you, sorry to sound blunt but do you want to stay with him until he, god forbid, puts any of you in hospital?, or worse?

You owe it to your children to stop them growing up in a house full of stress and fear, please seek help