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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh- sudden violence

180 replies

underachiever · 05/08/2011 20:36

My dh and I have been together for 18 happy years but yesterday we were discussing our building project that is currently underway (it is behind schedule and a bit stressful. I admit to often ranting about the builder and it really stresses dh out) he warned me to shut up because he was getting really mad but I didn't and he reached across the table and grabbed me round the neck with both hands and shook me hard.
I locked myself in the toilet and cried for a bit.

When I came out he had typed this on my computer:
You are killing me, you are driving me nuts- I have to suffer your constant ranting- no one else gets the hassle- it is sooooo frustrating for me and you have driven me to do something awful. But I feel as if Im acting under diminished responsibility as you are messing with my mind- I snapped totally because Im haunted by your nastiness and the stress you are creating over this. I am TRYING MY BEST to sort this out- to make you happy- but you criticise everything and Im stuck in the middle. ITS NOT FAIR- I want to scream!! YOU are causing this enormous stress by your response and the worst thing is that you just can't see it- which makes me worry for the future. None of it really matters- I just want to run away now and not come back.
Please help me.

I know I have been ranting about the builder a lot, and I know he is doubly stressed trying to deal with the builder and putting up with me getting cross about it too, but it's not the most stressful thing in the world is it? He worries for the future as he says because if I get worse with my ranting I might provoke him to do something worse.

We have been together for 18 years and have always been very happy together, but from time to time I do feel uncomfortable particularly with the way he reacts when the children misbehave. Sometimes he will grab them quite roughly and he is 6'4 and they are 5yo & 7yo. Sometimes he will grab our ds and hold him up against the wall (high up with his feet dangling) and shout at him. I tell him it's inappropriate but he tells me I'm over-reacting.

This sounds absolutely terrible when I write it down but 99.9% of the time he is totally lovely and loads of fun, a great dad and really romantic and thoughtful but just from time to time the red mist descends.

We talked a little about yesterday's incident, he explained how much I wound him up and I've tried to put it out of my mind as a once in a lifetime abberation. But, tonight dd was being giddy and not listening to him so he went over and grabbed her by the head and shouted loudly in her ear.

He's gone to his spinning class now. Luckily my cousin (who is a massive bloke) is arriving in a bit and stopping the night so we won't be alone with him but I'm not sure what to do next.

OP posts:
corlan · 06/08/2011 14:35

I'm glad you've shown him how serious this is underachiever. I really hope that you've got through to him and that the violence stops.

I absolutely agree with what others have said about telling your parents exactly what has happened. Please, please, let them know. It is a form of protection for you and your children - other people will be watching him and he might understand how shameful what he has done is.

I never told anyone about my XP beating me up, because (ironically) I didn't want people to think badly of him. I know now, if I had told, the violence would have ended a lot sooner. My Dad cried when I finally told him and asked me why I hadn't given him the chance to help me - That memory is probably harder to bear than the violence ever was.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/08/2011 14:50

OP, just a thought, unlikely and probably wrong -

You mentioned a spinning class, so presumably your husband is interested in taking care of his body. Could he have been taking steroids? They are associated with increased anger ('roid rage').

And I fully agree with ShoutyHamster - do not allow this to become a 'secret', this will endanger you.

fargate · 06/08/2011 14:59

Well spotted whereyouleftit

I was thinking spinning = wool and weaving.

garlicbutter · 06/08/2011 15:35

I'm glad you've drawn your boundary, underachiever, and are going away for a bit. I hope you have told your parents the full story, and are able to discuss it in depth with them.

In case you're faltering at all,I want to remind you of your OP:
he warned me to shut up ... he reached across the table and grabbed me round the neck with both hands and shook me hard.
he had typed this on my computer:
You are killing me, ... and you have driven me to do something awful.

He accused you of killing him, when that is precisely what he'd almost done to you for real.

He blamed you for his life-threatening assault on you.

However much good there is in your relationship, please never forget that he's capable of killing you, then considering your murder your own fault.
And that, what he can do to you, he can do to your children.

I hope your parents also see how serious this is.

Dexifehatz · 06/08/2011 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

fargate · 06/08/2011 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shabbapinkfrog · 06/08/2011 15:56

Fargate I take it that the message that has been deleted by MNHQ was not very nice? Its week-end again isin't it? Much smaller number of staff to keep their eyes on stuff....and out come the 'strange folk' Hmm

annieversaire · 06/08/2011 16:05

hope to God that wasn't the OP's husband.

fargate · 06/08/2011 16:07

I don't know, shabba. I assume MNHQ deleted it pretty sharpish - I only just reported it.

GypsyMoth · 06/08/2011 16:11

Blimey! Think I've seen that poster around. Hope it's not the husband !

TheOriginalFAB · 06/08/2011 16:17

Does it take a lot to strangle someone?

I am just thinking if he has done that next time he might use more strength and it be too much.

I was strangled as a child. It is bloody awful.

fargate · 06/08/2011 16:22

No evidence that it's her husband.

GypsyMoth · 06/08/2011 16:26

Fargate, what did the deleted message say? Was it what your post repeated or was there more? Just dine a search on that poster and it seems odd!!

GypsyMoth · 06/08/2011 16:27

Obs don't post it again tho!

garlicbutter · 06/08/2011 16:33

It was only two lines, which fargate quoted. That poster seems to like being 'controversial' from time to time.

fargate · 06/08/2011 16:42

Should I have my post deleted too?

garlicbutter · 06/08/2011 16:59

no,why?

fargate · 06/08/2011 17:02

Cos my quote is pretty offensive. And I am only feeding the attention-seeking?

garlicbutter · 06/08/2011 17:14

Well, you are by going on about it Wink Just let it lie and focus on the OP, I reckon.

fargate · 06/08/2011 17:34

[embaressed]

bbbbob · 06/08/2011 21:30

How are you OP?

Sexolette · 06/08/2011 22:34

Fabby, your post makes me sick.

What moronic advice.

Original poster
underachiever · 09/08/2011 13:19

Hi everyone, thanks for all the advice.
I'm just wondering what to do next. I have a bit of a problem in that I can't find anyone in real life that I feel I can tell about this. I'm not a great sharer at the best of times and always deal with 'stuff' on my own. I also think that it's a big responsibility to give to someone, most people around me are either not that 'strong' (especially my parents) or they have their own issues to deal with. I feel like I'd prefer to speak to a professional, rather than saddle a friend or relative with this emotional baggage, but as to whether I actually would speak to someone- I don't know, it's hard. Maybe I should try calling women's aid again.
Also, neither me or dh know what he should do next to ensure that it never happens again. How do you know you can trust someone again afterwards?

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 09/08/2011 13:27

That's why it's a good idea to talk to someone else :) It can be hard to get through to WA sometimes (especially when the football season's starting) but they're real experts, do keep trying. Your GP can also be a handy port of call; if nothing else it will be in your notes should there be any repercussions on your health in future. Have you tried calling Respect yet?

TheOriginalFAB · 09/08/2011 13:33

I suggest you see your GP asap as they should be able to refer you to who can hurt you.