Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Had a date with a guy who said 'not looking for anything long term'

79 replies

extraconfusedhelp · 05/08/2011 17:58

I found it quite strange to say that on the second date. He seems like such a gentleman, so was surprised to hear him say he does not want anything longterm and has not been with anyone longer then 8months.

So obviously I understand he does not want anything long term, but what does he want? Does that mean just wants someone to sleep with? And if so why is he bothering with the dates part?

I dont know exactly what I'm looking for, but I feel that when people go on a date they go there open minded and open to ideas. Thats how i went there, how can you put a complete block on something before it has even started?

Well I would just like to hear what others think really....

OP posts:

DrPolidori · 05/08/2011 18:02

Well, he is being very upfront with you! Maybe he plans to travel the world in eight months, maybe he is rubbish at commitment and just knows it, maybe he finds that shortish romances suit him, as long as you are both aware there is no future.

As long as he is honest, I don't see the problem! If it doesn't suit you, just say no thanks!

MajorB · 05/08/2011 18:14

When a man tells you something, listen. He's telling you that he doesn't want to move in with you, marry you, have kids with you introduce you to his parents - or possibly his friends.
Men, just like women, enjoy going on dates, following those dates with a kiss, a bit of foreplay, and maybe sex. If men don't want that to progress into a relationship they sometimes hire escorts, and sometimes they meet women, take them out and tell them they're "not looking for anything long term".
Essentially he's treating you like an escort, but not paying you - if you enjoy his company and are willing to go along with that accepting that it will never be anything more then that is fine, if not move on.

BluddyMoFo · 05/08/2011 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Apocalypto · 05/08/2011 18:17

It's a bit of a minefield though isn't it? If he says he's not looking for anything long term it sounds bad, if he announces he's looking for a wife it sounds bad, if he says nothing at all you don't know where you stand.

As to why he bothers with the dates part, well he's probably noticed that he has to do this first to get women to have sex with him.

Alarm bells do ring for me over the "has not been with anyone longer then 8months." thing. How old are you both roughly? Someone of say 30+ should really have had one or two reasonably protracted relationships in their past by now, otherwise where have they been - bonking anyone they could and ending it when they got bored of the sex?

Someone who reaches [fill in whatever age] without ever having been seriously involved with anyone sounds like either a serial shagger or a serial reject by other women.

Apocalypto · 05/08/2011 18:21

Not sure I agree Major B - this is almost like saying every bloke should come to a woman with the expectation of getting married.

You can like someone enough to date them and sleep with them but still reserve judgment about the other stuff until you've explored them a bit. How does she react to his being texted by his ex? How does he react if her period is 3 weeks late? To losing a job? To becoming ill?

The first date is the second interview, the further dates and the sex are the second interview but not everyone gets the job offer.

DrPolidori · 05/08/2011 18:22

well, indeed, I would never go out with someone who had never had a relationship for more than 8 months. Unless I wanted to shag the pants of him then dump him....

BertieBotts · 05/08/2011 18:22

I think he's saying that he isn't coming to it being open minded, perhaps he likes the company/friendship that develops with dating rather than just casual sex, if that makes sense, but doesn't want to get married or move in with anyone (Do you have DCs? Perhaps he's trying to say tactfully that he doesn't want to take on anyone else's children.) Or perhaps he means he is dating more than one woman. You could always ask him to clarify!

I think if you are open minded meaning this could be nothing or this could be a long term thing you should probably end it, because if you start to develop feelings for him it's going to be hard to switch those off, and it's unfair on both of you to hang around waiting to see if he's going to develop those feelings when he's already told you he doesn't think this is likely to happen. But if you're happy with a bit of fun for a while and don't think you're likely to get more involved then I'd carry on seeing him (if you like him, obviously!)

Original poster

extraconfusedhelp · 05/08/2011 18:25

majoeb - i have to admit it was on the tip of my tongue to ask him why doesnt he just see a escort then?? lol

bluddy - seems like he doesnt fancy anyone enought to be his gf as his longest relationship has been 8months...

apoc - he is 32, I would hav thought someone that age might have had atleast 1 serious gf. I am mid twenties and have had 2 long term relationships.

OP posts:

Original poster

extraconfusedhelp · 05/08/2011 18:28

bertie - i was thinking perhaps having my dd was an issue for him, when i first mentioned her he didnt really say anything so i think he was quite shocked. then later asked if i have alot of help with her

OP posts:

MajorB · 05/08/2011 18:30

Apocalypto, I didn't mean to imply that the start of a relationship should be the beginning of the road to marriage and kids or nothing, sorry if it came across that way. I meant that most people go into a dating scenario open minded, and if they like the person they carry on with that open mind seeing where it takes them.
This guy seems like he's already made his judgement, and it's not going to go beyond the dating stage, and if there's no open mind about where the relationship is going it would seem to me that the OP has been judged and failed.
This is no reflection on you by the way OP, if he's not managed to hold onto anyone for longer than 8 months it could mean that he's the problem, not the women he's dated.

DrPolidori · 05/08/2011 18:31

I do think this talk of escorts is rather demeaning. Just because a person doesn't want a long term thing at the moment does not make them bad, or someone who pays for sex.

I remember after I split with Exp I went on dates...I wasn't ready for anything longterm either, just wanted to date, and yes maybe have some great sex! Its not a crime!

And I did just that. and those lucky few who got past first base are great friends still.

Relationships can be all sorts of things, lovely short term love affairs, mutually respectful sex relationships...and yes, longterm gorgeous full blown love affairs turning to full on commitment.

Why limit your possibilities?

I for one am extremely grateful to one particular, short term lover with whom I found out all sorts of lovely things I had never explored before (no, I am not talking kinky, we just "clicked" really well sexually) I can take that knowledge of myself onto another relationship.

Apocalypto · 05/08/2011 18:35

32 and never had a long term GF = trouble - sorry to be blunt, but I think it does. In, what, probably 15 years of dating, he's never found anyone he wanted be around longer than 8 months??

This pattern will repeat.

Agree with Polidori - by all means shag his brains out but do it if that's what you want to do, not just because you've had 4/5/6 dates with him and it's about time you did.

It is possible I guess he's worked out that you won't lightly introduce any new man to your DD and this is trying to be sensitive to this - "I don't plan to muscle my way into your life then leave".

Except that based on history and to paraphrase Meatloaf "I bet you say that to all the girls".

Original poster

extraconfusedhelp · 05/08/2011 18:36

drpoldori - I have also been at the stage where i was just happy dating and even now i still may be at that stage, but i just cant imagine saying i am not looking for anything long term if i dont even know the other person. how would i know how ill feel later down the line??

OP posts:

Original poster

extraconfusedhelp · 05/08/2011 18:38

but also i do feel that its better that he is honest rather then telling me a whole pack of lies....

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 05/08/2011 18:40

Listen to him.

DrPolidori · 05/08/2011 18:41

I think you should look at it as him doing you a favour. He has laid his cards on the table. You can pick them up or not.

The obvious thing is, you have different views on things. He is not prepared to consider the idea of a longer term relationship. You are.

I personally think he sounds a bit of dick (agree with everyone on the not having a relationship for longer that 8 months), but hey, if he floats your boat for a wee while, go for it. If not, say goodbye!

FWIW, my brother was a serial shagger until his mid thirties. Nothing longer than two weeks. I kid you not! Then he met SIL and that was it. 12 years later and 1 ds, they are as tight as anything.

MajorB · 05/08/2011 18:47

But he's saying he knows how HE will feel further down the line, and he's made a judgement call on that already.
I too have no issue with two single people being sex buddies, or dating buddies, as long as it is exactly what both people want, otherwise someone will get hurt.
Referring back to my first post, if you want the same thing OP then go for it, if not move on.
Though personally I think you sound lovely & can do better ;-)

ShowOfHands · 05/08/2011 18:49

My BIL doesn't do longterm. He's a kind, respectful and genuine partner. He is upfront about the fact that he doesn't want longterm. But he also doesn't want one night stands/escorts. He enjoys the company and closeness of a brief relationship but he always moves on (usually geographically), always seems to remain friends with the women he dates and leads a happy and fulfilling life in terms of relationships. It's not for me but plenty of women appreciate the same sort of set up.

It's a good thing that he's being honest.

SpringHeeledJack · 05/08/2011 18:55

I and my friends've come across plenty of blokes who have thought this (evident with hindsight), but not one who's said so upfront

MrsHicks · 05/08/2011 18:59

i am not looking for anything long term if i dont even know the other person. how would i know how ill feel later down the line??
Telling them before you know them is the best time to tell them though. That way then at least they can decide whether to proceed or not. How deceived would they feel later down the line to find out that someone never wanted to get into a serious relationship. It's only fair and ethical to be straight at the outset and I think he's done nothing wrong at all by saying it. And yes, people's feelings can change but then you deal with that as it develops. I think the issue of whether he's ever had a long term girlfriend at 32 is a separate issue.

Original poster

extraconfusedhelp · 05/08/2011 19:28

majorb - thanks :)

I dont have a problem with him telling me this information, but im trying to work out how i feel about it... part of me feels like if i go along with this i will feel like i'm his little plaything... and part of me thinks well i dont know how much i even like him so why not go along with it until i have decided?

But the main thing i feel is if he knows for sure he doesnt want a relationship then does that mean that really he just wants me for sex? as that makes me feel quite cheap... like he will actually expect it, while i would like to think about it and decide if i want to sleep with him or not.

also i thought he was a nice guy but not the best looking guy out there (and better looking guys do try to chat me up) so if i waned just sex wouldnt it be a better idea to have that with some one with a really sexy body etc...

towards the end of the date i started thinking 'whats the point in trying to get to know him' is there any point really??

And i have dated about 3 different people that didnt go anywhere and started all of them with an open mind. not expecting things to go one way or the other....

OP posts:

mouldyironingboard · 05/08/2011 20:13

There's 4 possible replies you can give depending whether you fancy him or not:

Do you fancy a fling?

So what are you looking for? Describe your ideal woman to me

Can I finish my drink first before we discuss a possible relationship?

Thanks for being so honest, I'm looking for a long-term relationship hopefully leading to marriage so we won't meet again.

I've said all of the above to various dates in the past.

ameliagrey · 05/08/2011 20:17

Can some of you see the irony in advocating an open mind when your own minds are well adn truly made up, or closed on some points?

my brother is mid 40s and has never had a LTR. Weird yes. But all for good reasons- he was dumped, he dumped, never met the right person. End of.

In his 20s he played the field a bit and didn't leave home till he was 28. In his 30s he was too busy playing sport to bother.

Now he is older he is finding it harder to meet women and internet dates-still looking

Original poster

extraconfusedhelp · 05/08/2011 20:20

ameliagrey - i did actually ask if it was the case that he had never met the right person? he said no I just never let it get to that stage as always been focused on work etc. But i feel that if you really like someone you would find it difficult not to have them in your life, and would manage to make space for them as well as being focused on work....

OP posts:

Original poster

extraconfusedhelp · 05/08/2011 20:26

also when i say open minded i mean open to options as to where the relationship might go, i dont feel like it has to end in marriage, but i would like to feel there there is the tiniest chance that if things go well then way way down the line its a possibility that we could have a relationship....

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4