Had a date with a guy who said 'not looking for anything long term'

[extraconfusedhelp]

I found it quite strange to say that on the second date. He seems like such a gentleman, so was surprised to hear him say he does not want anything longterm and has not been with anyone longer then 8months.

So obviously I understand he does not want anything long term, but what does he want? Does that mean just wants someone to sleep with? And if so why is he bothering with the dates part?

I dont know exactly what I'm looking for, but I feel that when people go on a date they go there open minded and open to ideas. Thats how i went there, how can you put a complete block on something before it has even started?

Well I would just like to hear what others think really....

I have been dedicated to many things over the years. A shave many of my female friends and they have also had relationships with others likeminded. I am a designer and my dp is a musician and we have managed both for 20+ years and are both as passionate about our hobbies/careers as we ever were if not more so.

as have not a shave!

Oh don't be ridiculous - I'm not saying all woman are hand wringing stalkers but I'd bet hard cash that this particular guy has had his share of woman mentally shopping for wedding dresses whilst nothing could be further from his mind and then getting shirty about his "failure to commit".

There are regularly woman on here posting about how to exact revenge on some poor sod that they have been dating for a couple of weeks/few months because they have discovered he has been pursuing other interests, 93 posts in it becomes apparant that he never promised the woman exclusivity but there she is ready to chop the arms off his suits and email his employer intimate photos.

Far better to clearly state his intentions at the begining so no one feels misled.

I'm a monogamy whore. There has only ever been dh, as far as I am concerned I don't want there to ever be anybody other than dh. I could never have countenanced sex with somebody I wasn't planning on building a life with. I have the wherewithal to know that this is actually fairly extreme as far as relationship spectrums are concerned. But it's what I want and I've never been anything outside of clear about that. I would be horrified if anybody tried to tell me to want to live my life another way or that I am close minded. No. I have my own ideals and desires and you don't have to adopt them but you can accept them as my own. And I afford the same respect to other people.

It is not close minded to say that you don't desire longterm relationships. It's knowing your own mind. Is there an outside possibility that a gentleman such as the one described could end up married/in a longterm relationship? Of course. Nothing is certain. But it's foolhardy to tell another person how to conduct their lives and relationships according to the framework you decide for yourself. I might end up a Tory one day. I highly, highly doubt it and the official party line will remain there's no fricking way. I don't expect people would insist I remain open in my political ideals in the same way people insist on predetermining somebody else's relationship ideals.

I've already mentioned bil on this thread. He does not want longterm relationships. They don't interest him. And knowing him I now understand something that perhaps I didn't before. He is respectful, kind, caring, thoughtful and in a way he is commited to relationships, just not along the paradigm other people might expect. I suspect he cares deeply, maybe even falls in love sometimes. But he is self aware. He knows that the rigidity of longterm is not something he will ever want and this knowledge means that he will always walk away and he will always be upfront about the fact that this will happen. Like sgb he travels, is very politically motivated, charity minded, has a huge social circle and myriad interests. He is fulfilled and making choices which suits him. And he has plenty of women around him who live their lives according to a similar ideal.

I couldn't do it. I'd feel unwanted and frankly like I was wasting my time. But I'm not naive enough to believe that everybody feels that way.

I agree with every word SGB says. From my own perspective I achieve absolutely f*ck all when wailing and drooping and trying to "build something special" with some bloke.

I have been single for nearly two years, I am fitter than I have ever been, I run over 10 miles, 4 times a week, I am studying a degree with the OU and am happier and more well adjusted than I have ever been.

Imvho unless you make a great connection with someone so that the relationship is pretty effortless, I just do not see the point. "Working" at relationships is bullshit and a waste of a precious life of which we only get one. However I do think that the fact that I have two wonderful kids from my last long term relationship has taken the pressure of to "relate". I sometimes wonder if the reason we put up with so much in relationships is driven by the biological imperative to procreate.

Fwiw I don't think this bloke is a pig, I think he is upfront and letting OP know where she stands. What is wrong with that?

Having read that back though, I do think a lot of it is about the type of person you are, the upbringing you have had etc. I am sure many people are capable of having successful relationships that they may have to work on a bit AND be successful in other areas too. Unfortunately I am not one of them.

I think maybe the fact that i haven't 'worked' at it has made it easier.

SGB you have so many negative and one-sided preconceptions that I can't help but wonder if you are for real or trying to provoke sometimes!

1. Fucking hell, there are billions of things that are more interesting and important than scurrying around gagging for commitment.

Errrr...who says that anyone wanting long term commitment is in some way sad? Scurrying and gagging are emotionally charged terms, implying huge neediness rather than someone who is already happy but likes a parter. No?

1. Art, music, travel, science, charitable work, political engagement, all of these things can take up so much of a person's life

Sure- my own life is full of these- but does that mean I have no time for anything else? Is a relationship and all of these mutually exclusive? No.

1. that there is no particular need to engage in heteromonogamy, and also, doing so means you are forever having to take time out from your main passion to placate a partner:

What IS your main passion by the way? And why would a partner need placating??? Only I assume if they are dull and have no passions themselves, and resent you doing what you enjoy. Has this been a recurring theme in your life?

4. if you want to concentrate exclusively on a particular thing, better not to have a bored partner demanding attention.

Why do you assume that a partner is a) bored and b) demanding attention? Is this the typical behaviour of men you choose?

All these preconceptions simply show a closed and prejudiced mindset, and one which is particularly cynical about the possibilities of a relationship.

It is quite possible for 2 people to have theri own passions but share parts of their lives with each other, without being needy or dependent on each other.

In fact relationships where couples are joined at the hip are very unhealthy.

IMO a good balance is each you each do things separately or with other people, but also do things as a couple.

You see, you arguments for not wanting commitment don't really stack up, because they are based on worst case scenario of the other person in the relationship.

far beetr to admit you can't be arsed with people around you, you don't like "giving"- which is infact what everything you say above amounts to- instead of trying to make the other person's imagined character faults the reason.

Amelia you have said it all really. Even the list of art politics etc doesn't really make sense because going by SGBs theory you cannot commit to more than one thing Why can't a good healthy relationship be one of your passions too. I have never described anything or anyone as scurrying or gagging and can only think that you would have to have experienced these emotions yourself to be so angry

Thanks Noddy.

What I was saying- very briefly- is:

It's neither right nor wrong to choose to have long, short, committed, open, hetero/ homo...whatever kind of relationship you want.

BUT don't make the other people's (imagined) character faults, and IYO undesirable behaviours, the reasons for making your choice.

All relationships are valid if it works for you and your partner.

or none
he's told you where you stand with him op

Look, there is this fucking massive industry dedicated to persuading women that nothing matters more than heteromonogamy, and that engaging in heteromonogamy needs a lot of effort, and a plan of action - catch the man, please the man, keep it exciting, analyse everything he says and does, blah blah. What an utter fucking waste of time it seems. I have encountered seemingly intellingent women with all sorts of skills and talents who are obsessed with Finding The One and let all their other interests slide. People who are desperate for a long term partner (and some people really are desperate )are not only pathetic but putting themselves at risk - the more frantic you are to Make Him Commit, the higher the chances that you are ignoring obvious indications that he's a raving arsehole.
Sure, plenty of people engage in heteromonogamy and enjoy it, and good luck to them. It's not for me any more than sailing round the world or opening a cat sanctuary would be. My problem is with those who are insistent that there is something wrong with people who reject heteromonogamy and have no interest in commitment, when it;s simply a different way of living.

We could debate this all night SGB- does the media reflect what some women ( and men) want- or does it create a need?
Biologically, women are programmed to form an attachment with men they have sex with. There will be the odd few who don't fall into this category, but many more do.

But more to the point- I think my post at least made it clear that you or anyone is completely free to choose your lifestyle, whatever that may be.

What is wrong of you though is saying that you don't want a monogamous committed relationship not because you have no need for it, or prefer to be on your own, but because the men have character and behaviour faults which you find intolerable.

You can't go around tarring all men with the same brush just because you seem to have met men who are possessive, whining, boring little pricks, whose company you get bored with after a while , so you then choose to do other things with your time.

and I'm still wondering why the OP couldn't ask him what he wanted rather than coming on here and asking, when only he can give her the answer!

hi all,

wow lots been going on here....

eurostar - i did ask him questions, he said he likes nice company and dating etc but does not want to commit to anyone right now or anytime soon.

And i came on mumsnet asking questions as i felt like i wanted discuss it, and see how othesr would think/feel in this situation... and thats what this website is about... lol

to be fair, you did say, "So obviously I understand he does not want anything long term, but what does he want? Does that mean just wants someone to sleep with? And if so why is he bothering with the dates part?" - which didn't include that he'd actually given you the answer.

Ameliagrey, that's pretty much rubbish, women are not biologically programmed to form an attachment to men they have sex with. It's a social construction - men want women to become attached after sex because men worry about women having sex with other men, so every society has been set up with ways to control women's sexual choices.

Not everyone is pinning for LTR-marriage-house-kids in their life. Some people enjoy life being single. Some others live in couples and never marry. Others never have kids, just because they don't want to. Others travel every couple of years and enjoy a life of constant change, and abhor routine.

If a man tells you "they don't want a LTR", who are you to immediately judge him and assume you know what's best for him? What is wrong about not having had a girlfriend? it just means he is consistent with his idea of life.

I find it quite patronizing that just because you feel like having a LTR, you assume everyone else dating you also has to.

Blimey, the smell of desperate women on this thread is palpable. Is there really no middle ground between seeking a LTR straight away and using escorts?

SGB I am sorry but you are wrong.

Do some reading up about the role of oxytocin which is produced post orgasm in women.
This has nothing to do with social construction; it's a biological reaction.

Women release oxytocin after sex and while brest feeding; its role is to create a bond between them and the man or the baby.

There are loads of research papers about it.

It may not fit with what youwant to believe, but the evidence is there.

Unless of course you believe all of this is made up by men.

AmeliaGrey: You do some reading. Start with Cordelia Fine's Delusions of Gender.

SGB- I'd rather read proper scientific research than propoganda, thanks anyway.

Ah, right, Amelia, I get you now, you're one of those who believes that 'science' has proved that women want love and like pink and that's Just The Way It Is and that evolution favours men owning women. And all that.
So there's not much point in arguing with you any further.