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Relationships

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Original poster

Had a date with a guy who said 'not looking for anything long term'

79 replies

extraconfusedhelp · 05/08/2011 17:58

I found it quite strange to say that on the second date. He seems like such a gentleman, so was surprised to hear him say he does not want anything longterm and has not been with anyone longer then 8months.

So obviously I understand he does not want anything long term, but what does he want? Does that mean just wants someone to sleep with? And if so why is he bothering with the dates part?

I dont know exactly what I'm looking for, but I feel that when people go on a date they go there open minded and open to ideas. Thats how i went there, how can you put a complete block on something before it has even started?

Well I would just like to hear what others think really....

OP posts:

ameliagrey · 05/08/2011 20:29

I'd try to take it with a big pinch of salt.

It sounds like typical man-speak.

Maybe he has been hurt, maybe he is terrified of getting hurt. Maybe he has had a bad experience of a bunny boiler or possessive girlfriend.

IME lots of men say this until they meet "the one" then it all changes.

I dated my DH for 2 years when he was a commitment phobe. He was happy dating but as it was a LDR I got fed up and my biological clock was ticking too. I pulled back and started seeing other men. Within a couple of months he proposed.

I think you have to see how this goes. If you can see him and not be utterly involved then that's good- if you have fallen for him, then it's harder.

bandgeek · 05/08/2011 20:40

Be careful! My friend dared someone who was completely upfront and honest about not wanting anything serious, but she chose nit to listen hoping he would change his mind. Of course she ended up getting hurt.

Eurostar · 05/08/2011 20:46

I am wondering why you didn't feel that you could ask him what he DID want. Why couldn't you say, OK, I know what you don't want, what DO you want?

ameliagrey · 05/08/2011 21:38

How much do you like him?

If it's lots, be careful. TBH the best way to "catch" a guy like this it to play it uber cool.

Make him just one of several men you date- or let him think you are not that fussed.

I think what he says stacks up- if he has never met the right person, then work has been his focus.

If he did meet the right person, then his focus would not be on work so much.

ON THE OTHER HAND- His "I don't want commitment" could however mean that he likes you- but not enough IYSWIM. He might see you as a nice person to spend time with, but knows you are not "the one"- so he is stringing you along until something better turns up.

How do you feel ? Are you dead keen? If you are, I know it sucks but I think you have to back off and just go with the flow and not expect too much.

Whatmeworry · 05/08/2011 21:43

Man tells truth shock :o

Men are simple creatures, don't overthink it. You want a few months of fun, go for it. You don't, don't.

Pocket1 · 05/08/2011 21:52

extraconfusedhelp - you sound like a really nice person a therefore deserve more than this guy seems prepared (or able) to give. So if after just two dates you're having to give it all so much thought, then can you see yourself being happy? i know it sounds easier than it is, but i've been there - loads of times. My suggestion is to continue to date him (just for company, dont sleep with him) and be available, or even proactively, looking for someone else. i'm sure you'll find a nice guy who deserves you - and you'll look back and wonder why you ever wasted any time an heartache on this guy. Good luck! :)

solidgoldbrass · 05/08/2011 22:36

The thing is, long term relationships are not compulsory and only stupid people think that they are. This man probably has something in his life that is more important to him than the pursuit of heteromonogamy, and he has probably had more than one woman get angry and hurt a few months down the line when he has not wanted commitment, so now thinks it's only fair to make himself clear from the start.
Are you of an age where you are looking for a father for your future children? If so, fair enough to explain to him that you are hoping for a longterm relationship and would rather wish him well and not see him again. If you are not particularly broody, and not frantic to have A Man In Your LIfe Who Really Loves You then, if you like his company and are happy to have sex for the sheer enjoyment of it, then you could do worse than have a fling with someone who is this honest.
It's important to be honest with yourself, though. To carry on dating this man in the hope that you will be Speshul enough to make him change his mind is unfair on both you and him. You will get hurt. He will find himself in the position of being blamed for hurting you when he was truthful from the start.

ShowOfHands · 06/08/2011 09:21

I agree with sgb. It's interesting that his admission that he doesn't do longterm makes you think that the only possible route is for you to be a plaything/used. I think that tells you everything you need to know. If you want to feel needed to the extent that a man will make that commitment or at the very least, there's still the possibility of it (absolutely fine btw), then he's not the man for you. If a man says he only wants a short term relationship and you wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment this doesn't make anybody a plaything or used just for sex/a good time. It is just as simple as two people enjoying each other right now. It's neither a comment on your desirability as a longterm partner in general nor a reflection of how you measure up in this man's mind. It's merely freedom of choice.

confidence · 06/08/2011 20:46

Of course he's a gentleman. That's why he's telling you the truth.

Whatmeworry · 06/08/2011 23:21

Of course he's a gentleman. That's why he's telling you the truth

I've heard quite a few men over the years say "nice guys" don't get the girls but "bastards" do - I'm wondering if this is how it happens? A nice guy is upfront, a bastard strings you along.

GingerbreadDad · 07/08/2011 00:14

Bastards can be very upfront as well,

extraconfusedhelp No confusion is necessary he is telling you the absolute truth no messing around, no hidden meanings, when men says things like this they really mean it. So many times I have seen women get upset after a couple of months down the line because they expected him to change or thought he didn't really mean it.

myfriendflicka · 07/08/2011 08:19

I think you sound nice and normal, and he sounds as if he has a closed mind.

Rather than letting the relationship develop and seeing what happens, he immediately decides that he isn't looking for an LTR, and that may be his problem with relationships altogether, ie "I never let it get to that stage", so he has controlled himself out of anything developing. Bit too rigid in his thinking. This is his issue, not yours.

I don't see a problem with people who just want a fling, etc, but I think it is very difficult to judge exactly what you want out of a relationship when you have just met someone. I would have thought it is better to go on a few dates and then see how you feel.

For example, a friend of mine was matched up with a bloke as they both wanted a fuckbuddy. After a few meetings they discovered it meant more than that to both of them, so its now a relationship. See? Either scenario was fine with them, but I think it's too rigid to pre-judge: "I only want this, and I won't accept anything else." Cuts off the possibilities at the knees.

You could discuss it with him and ask why he feels like that. Or you could decide it's too complicated and move on.

ameliagrey · 07/08/2011 09:25

IMO/IME when men say they don't want anything long term, it is often because they have just come out of something heavy/ a break up and need a bit of time.

This guy seems the opposite- he's never got long term with anyone.

I think it's odd for someone to decide 2 dates in- or even before that- that they don't want long term. I think there is also a BIG difference between saying no to long term, and to serious- they are different things. You can be with someone for years but it's not monogamous or serious- you can be with someone for 6 months and it might be full on- which is it with him?

I think it's fine for someone to say they don't want monogamy, or marriage, or kids- but to say no to long term is just......odd!

If you can be bothered, it might be worth asking him why he feels this way.

Does he have a low boredom threshold?
Is he a commitment phobe so he always ends it before things get serious?
Is he making sure he doesn't get so ducks out before that happens?

I do agree that most of the time men say what they feel- BUT at some point I think he will change his mind and get tired of short term , possibly shallow relationships.

The question is, will he decide that before he looks for his next date- or will he have a eureka moment while his dating- and could that be with you?

At the moment you are in a very precarious position as he is controlling the relationship from the word Go.

It might do this guy some good to be told to push off by someone so the choice is not always his.

I think he sounds a bit of a tosser. Sorry.

noddyholder · 07/08/2011 09:36

I don,t think you can really say you aren,t looking for long term with any real conviction tbh as you can think a long term relationship is not form you and then meet someone who blows you away and you can,t imagine being without them. If you like him take it for what it is he sounds like he has been burnt in the past. My brother is about that age and also flitsmin and out of relationships and he is not strange in any way!

solidgoldbrass · 07/08/2011 09:50

OH FFS! There is NOTHING wrong with having no interest in long term relationships - but the reason this man is so direct about it is because he will be sick of women getting all outraged and upset and badmouthing him when he doesn't want to commit and never said that he did. Refusing commitment is actually the sign of a healthy personality, especially when someone is honest about having other priorities. I have never had a relationship longer than 2 years and never will, i have better things to do with my time.

ameliagrey · 07/08/2011 10:01

Oh FFS to you too SGB!!!

You are very quick to defend anyone who doesn't want commitment simply because that is how you feel.

Do you realise how hard nosed, selfish, and downright unpleasant is sounds to say you have "better things to do with your time"?

What could be a better use of your time than making the time and effort to create a loving relationship with someone who loves you back?

If that doesn't work for you, fine. I suspect you are simply too selfish to maintain a long term relationship.

But it doesn't make you right in any way.

There are reasons why people can't commit. Maybe you should be honest and say why you can't .

noddyholder · 07/08/2011 10:03

SGB you are very shouty about this! You can never say never as you don't know who you will meet and what impact someone can have on you totally out of the blue.Best to live your life open to possibilty than have to back pedal if you are proved wrong or worse have to walk away from something great in order to make a point

solidgoldbrass · 07/08/2011 10:08

Fucking hell, there are billions of things that are more interesting and important than scurrying around gagging for commitment. Art, music, travel, science, charitable work, political engagement, all of these things can take up so much of a person's life that there is no particular need to engage in heteromonogamy, and also, doing so means you are forever having to take time out from your main passion to placate a partner: if you want to concentrate exclusively on a particular thing, better not to have a bored partner demanding attention.
You see I think it's unhealthy and wierd to be gagging for commitment and telling everyone you date that you are 'only interested in something that's going to be longterm and serious.' That to me says 'desperate loser with no life.'
It's actually a big feminist issue - the constant pressure on women not to have a life but to have a man and live through him.

elastamum · 07/08/2011 10:10

Sounds like the poor guy is just telling the truth. People want different things for different reasons. If its not for you, and it sounds like it isnt, just move on and find soemthing else.

SGB is also perfectly entitiled to live her life how she chooses

noddyholder · 07/08/2011 10:12

Ha ha you have answered my question there! You cannot see a way of having a fulfilling life and doing all of those things whereas many people do that every day. I have never had to placate a partner in my life in order to fulfil my ambitions. Gagging for commitment. You protest too much.

Catslikehats · 07/08/2011 10:13

I agree with SGB.

To dismiss him as close minded for not wanting a LTR is extremely patronising. He is an adult he presumably knows what works for him and what doesn't.

He is being honest and telling you that he may like you, enjoy your company, like wining and dining you and shagging you senseless but he wont commit to you because that is not his thing.

No wonder he feels like he has to issue this warning given the lack of comprehnesion from so many that there is any middle ground between paying for sex with an escort and marriage and children

Catslikehats · 07/08/2011 10:16

noddy far better for him to have to back pedal in 6mths if he does in fact decide the OP is enough to make him change his mind than deal with teh weeks and weeks of hand wringing and stalking from a woman who feels that she has been misled when he moves on.

noddyholder · 07/08/2011 10:20

I think you are being very insulting to women with that last remark! Hand wringing and stalking and attributing it to the woman only? Whatever happened to the individual

solidgoldbrass · 07/08/2011 10:21

Noddyholder, that just demonstrates that your interests outside of heteromonogamy are not ones that particularly consume you. Which is, of course, fair enough, not everyone is dedicated to their art/science/quest. But those who are do better when they acknowledge that the [whatever] matters to them more than anything else, rather than allowing mundanes to persuade them into heteromonogamy which takes up more time than they want to spare.
Nothing wrong with making your life all about heteromonogamy, but why insist that other people do the same when they don't want to?

noddyholder · 07/08/2011 10:24

From where I am though I think you can have both and life which is so one dimensional as to be all or nothing for one thing is no better than a controlling relationship.

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