Update on timetochangeforgood

[Timetochangeforgood]

We did it!
Not last time - I let him worm his way back in again :(
This time we did it! We're in emergency accommodation tonight and tomorrow and go to register as homeless on Monday. DD has cabin fever and DS is teething but we're doing fine :)
Last night was the real turning point - he smacked DD, a tap on the leg only but it was enough. I told him never to do it again and he beat me up. Calmly put DD to bed, shut the door, smashed me over the head with the computer charger, twice. Pushed me over the sofa, hit me a few times held his hand over my mouth and then throttled me until I nearly blacked out.
After he did this, he went to bed. He got up 10 minutes later and told me
If I ever screamed like I did then, like i was being murdered, ever again, he would murder me. Told me I was the one who was scarring DD because of the screaming. Not him for hitting me. He said it all 'as someone who grew up in an environment like this'.
He said I have mental problems because I had to control things when I told him not to hit DD and asked if I ever stopped to think about my part in all this and if I realise it is my fault he does it.
He claims he thinks about the children but if he did he wouldn't do what he does in front of them.
So he thinks I have gone to stay with a relative for a break. I haven't. I've packed as much as I can, including birth certificates, passports, qualification certificates and here we are. In a flea pit guest house, waiting for Monday.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to post on my last thread - I could never have done it without you all.

Onwards and upwards! :)

Timeto, I'm not sure where you are in the country but I have some baby toys that I'm getting rid of if they could be any use to you and if I can get them to you?

Sending you warmest wishes xx

Hi everyone,
thanks for still thinking of us and thanks to everyone who has made generous offers of clothes/toys etc. if we need anything I'll let you know.

at the moment we are staying about 10-15 miles away from home at a friend's house. They've gone away for a week so it is a luxury for us - they even have a garden!

It's been pretty tough.

DD was ill for a couple of days with D & V which was hard going, especially without all those things you take for granted at home and I had to drag her out to get food which wasn't much fun. she's ok now but has suddenly become disobedient, rude, mean to her brother and also keeps snubbing me off, which hurts :( not sure if it's because she's 2 or if this is already affecting her.

she also cried the other night in bed and when I asked her what was wrong she said 'I love daddy' which made me feel terrible.

All that aside, it is mostly going ok, a bit too much tv but otherwise ok. :)

Our benefits are being processed so we're on our way to getting stuff sorted. unfortunately the landlord of the house I wanted doesn't accept housing benefit tenants :( but my mum reminded me she has a whole load of stuff in storage that I can have so that will help (despite her being in the opposite corner of the country!) because it means I can look at unfurnished houses.

Strangely, XP has been pretty quiet.

He has only contacted me twice (I think) since the conversations about being locked out etc. and even though I don't want to speak to him it is hurting me a bit that he isn't bothered, especially about the kids. Is this normal? I was expecting a barrage of abuse but it hasn't happened. I really thought he'd be onto me about the kids as he always used to say he would have them taken away from me and find them another mum

even more strangely, he is apparently going away for a couple of weeks soon. Bit of a weird time to go but I've given up trying to understand.

Don't know how I feel about things. I kind of feel numb. Have cried a few times but not much. Still haven't told people either and feel a fraud when I still refer to him and me as I'm too ashamed to tell everyone. I know it's stupid and I will deal with it, just don't feel ready to yet.

I feel a bit scared about how I'll cope on my own with the kids as it has been hard going and I've been getting more anxious about things like not letting DD walk near roads etc. because I'm scared something will happen to her. it sounds really silly but I've also been keeping the light on at night. can anyone tell me if this is normal? do I need to go and speak to my GP?

Sorry, this is a bit of a jumbled update as it's late and I'm tired but I hope it makes some sense and someone can get back to me and tell me I'm not going mad!

You're doing really well, Timeto; coping with all of it, and d&v on top.

Please don't feel bad about your dd loving her dad. What you've done is the only thing that could stop that love turning to fear, or contempt, or hatred or resentment.

I think the anxiety you're feeling over dd's well-being and safety is natural. Your world has changed beyond recognition and is still in transition, so it's reasonable to be on your guard about lots of things, which if you were still in your old life would pass you by as being minimal. In that old life, you knew what the risks were; this new life is unknown and your brain/emotions are juggling to find a degree of stability.

Mind you, a trip to the GP may be an idea anyway, as they can give you access to other services should you need them. You will need to let the surgery know at some point, not least so that they don't try to contact you through your dh, know not to pass information on to him and so on.

You might find that just a chat to a GP you know and trust makes you feel much stronger and able to cope. That does depend, of course, on whether you do trust your GP. If not, I would get yourself registered with another asap. Check with WA about the advisability of contacting your old GP though. I honestly don't know.

Thanks for the update. Things will improve, sort themselves out, you will find somewhere to live. You've already taken the most important step. In a year's time, this'll seem like the dim and distant past.

i think you should go speak to your gp anyhow and get checked out, youve been through a lot/ going through a lot. i think youre doing so well, dont worry so much about your children misbehaving just take each day at time, and be gentle on yourself, try surround yourself with genuine people who do really care about your wellbeing.

regarding your xp, not surprised, if he can do what he did to you dont be surprised if he just disappears off the scene. i guess he can now do what he wants whereas you are left to still care for the dc and everything else that goes with that. the behaviour is disgusting and this should be a further realisation that you are doing the right thing in moving away from him. it is very hard for sure, take comfort in the words written on here. do many people are behind you and if you need anything then please ask, i have no doubt people will step up to help you if they can.

time is everything.

@Timetochangeforgood. I think your bloody brilliant,your kids will thank you for this one day. xxx

Hey Timeto - you have done the most difficult thing.
Hope you get through the bureaucracy. Don't know where you are but do post for stuff you need - there's lots of support here. Sending hugs for you all.

Once you have got a safe place away from him why not shop him to the csa for child maintenance? They will keep your whereabouts confidential and he should be supporting the kids anywayxxx

Yes I agree with the posters above, GP & Health Visitor will give support as will the family support workers at your local children's centre. They can also give support with housing, benefits & there are loads of free stay & play schemes which will give your 2 year old an outlet & get her socializing more with other kids which will take the pressure off you a bit & might improve her behavior. She's bound to react to what's happened & the change. It's early days but you're being so brave & strong but you're likely to suffer from anxiety or depression after all you've been through. Thank god you're finally safe & if your ex wants to still pretend he has done nothing wrong & go on holiday may god have mercy on his soul! Deep down he knows the truth.

Thinking of you timeto, are you still at your friends? How's the househunting?

How are you doing, timeto?

Are you ok? Still thinking of you & wishing you all the best. X