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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update on timetochangeforgood

161 replies

Timetochangeforgood · 30/07/2011 19:09

We did it!
Not last time - I let him worm his way back in again :(
This time we did it! We're in emergency accommodation tonight and tomorrow and go to register as homeless on Monday. DD has cabin fever and DS is teething but we're doing fine :)
Last night was the real turning point - he smacked DD, a tap on the leg only but it was enough. I told him never to do it again and he beat me up. Calmly put DD to bed, shut the door, smashed me over the head with the computer charger, twice. Pushed me over the sofa, hit me a few times held his hand over my mouth and then throttled me until I nearly blacked out.
After he did this, he went to bed. He got up 10 minutes later and told me
If I ever screamed like I did then, like i was being murdered, ever again, he would murder me. Told me I was the one who was scarring DD because of the screaming. Not him for hitting me. He said it all 'as someone who grew up in an environment like this'.
He said I have mental problems because I had to control things when I told him not to hit DD and asked if I ever stopped to think about my part in all this and if I realise it is my fault he does it.
He claims he thinks about the children but if he did he wouldn't do what he does in front of them.
So he thinks I have gone to stay with a relative for a break. I haven't. I've packed as much as I can, including birth certificates, passports, qualification certificates and here we are. In a flea pit guest house, waiting for Monday.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to post on my last thread - I could never have done it without you all.

Onwards and upwards! :)

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 30/07/2011 23:02

Well done !

Sapphirefling · 30/07/2011 23:03

You are an amazing, brave and strong woman - this is the beginning of a new future for you and your kids.

I know you have a lot to organise in the next couple of days but I really, really would make a police report - even if you don't press charges now, having this attack on file WILL be useful in the future if he tried to paint himself as innocent. This can be useful in all aspects of sorting access to the children , as well as getting support for you to recover your belongings from the house.
Tough times ahead but there IS help out there - Womans Aid is a good starting point and I've also been offered counselling through another voluntary agency which is linked into the support services available for kids affected by DV.

Stay strong OP - NEVER EVER again will someone hurt you as he has done - you and your kids deserve so much better!

pickgo · 30/07/2011 23:06

God he doesn't want your DD growing up like you. That is shockingly twisted logic Angry I think this excuse for a man is very dangerous indeed timeto. All sense of reality has left him. You should be in the refuge. Would it really mess things up to go to one in another town?

Re getting injuries logged and check up, don't hang round A & E for hours - ring for an out of hours GP appiontment.

You'd have to be absolutely certain that it was safe to return before even thinking about getting your things. I know it rankles but they are only things and much less important than yours and DCs safety.

Blu · 30/07/2011 23:08

Can he see your calls on an online account?

Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 30/07/2011 23:12

It's all so confusing, emotionally and psychologically. I am sad for DD as she loves her dad and sad for DS as he'll probably never get to know him properly and I'm sad for me that it didn't work out. Which all sounds ridiculous in the light of everything that's happened!
I also feel sorry for ex P as he is completely and utterly a product of his upbringing. He's become everything he didn't want to be. I'm not excusing him, by any means as he chose to do everything he did but I'm sad that he has become just like his own dad.

OP posts:
RosemaryandThyme · 30/07/2011 23:13

Well Done You.
Enjoy your children.
Your inspirational.

pickgo · 30/07/2011 23:16

It is sad timeto when a family breaks up no matter what the circumstances, it's letting go of all the hopes and dreams you began the realtionship and your family with. But you had absolutely no choice did you? Did X ever do anything to ensure he didn't repeat his family's history?

LadyThompson · 30/07/2011 23:19

It's good that you can empathise, and just proves that you are a sensitive and kind person. But violent people like that need to be rehabilitated before they can have a proper relationship with their kids. It doesn't mean that you are cutting him out of their lives forever. But he needs proper, professional help. And he needs to want to change.

And you, and your kids, deserve better.

Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 30/07/2011 23:22

He could see calls if I made any - all my contact has been done via email, which just comes up as data as far as I know. I emailed my friend to get her to call me and haven't rung anyone else - they've all called me.
Thanks for reminding me though, blu. I'll have to be careful.

OP posts:
Blu · 30/07/2011 23:24

I don't want to make you paranoid, but it sounds as if you have everything well covered!

mumblecrumble · 30/07/2011 23:25

Best wishes timetochange - enjoy your pasta and your sleeping gorgeous kids. Well done on your strength.

Do go to the doctor, night night

lisad123 · 30/07/2011 23:25

I remember your post from May and hoped you had left and glad to see you have. Stay strong. Please dont go back to get anything too soon and when you do take someone with you and dont take the kids. Get a lawyer and do not talk to him and let it all go via legal route.
Do call the police when you feel able to.

Is there anychance your family will call the house? I would suggest you let them in and tell them, they would be terribly upset to know you have gone though this but also that you continue to go though it alone. Its not your fault and nothing to be ashamed of, so please tell them.

Hope you get some sleep tonight and the children are ok toox

LadyThompson · 30/07/2011 23:28

Lisad123 talks sense re: solicitor and going the legal route (and the other things she says)

Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 30/07/2011 23:31

Thanks. I will tell my family soon. Unfortunately my
Mum and brother are both having an absolutely shit time at the moment so I don't want to add to it. They never ring the house, only my mobile so should be ok.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 30/07/2011 23:34

you wont be adding to it, think how you would feel if this was your little girl and she didnt tell you, plesase let them support you. You will need alot of support and strength in the next weeks. Leaving was hard but now comes the harder part of not going back, of knowing you did the right thing, and remembering all those things you left behind are just material things and can be replaced, but you need to stay safe.

How likely is he to turn up at ds hospital appointments?? If thats the case, I suggest you let hospital know in advance.

honeyandsalt · 30/07/2011 23:35

That's honourable of you timeto, but I'm not sure they'll thank you for keeping this from them.

Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 30/07/2011 23:40

I know you're right. I should tell them. I'm a bit embarrassed too.
I doubt he even knows when DS's appointments are - he never comes. I'll make sure they know not to tell him anything.
Is there anything else you can think of that I need to do?
(apart fm sleep, which I need to do asap!)

OP posts:
LadyThompson · 30/07/2011 23:44

Yeah. Be very kind to yourself Smile Night.

lisad123 · 30/07/2011 23:49

you have nothing to be embarrassed about, NONE of this is your fault.

I think you need to call the local dv police officer in the morning, just so she is aware of you, even if your not ready to report yet. The local womans refuge should know who it is and a contact number for her.
If any bank details are in joint names, stop using it ASAP, if the phone is in his name or the bills go to your house, stop using it and get a new one.

Do you have enough clothes and things for the kids? I would happily send you some stuff but know you dont want to tell anyone where you are but maybe MNHQ could sort something out if you wanted.

Is he likely to go to anyone in particular looking for you? If so warn them (trust me my friend ex came banging my door at 3am one night looking for his wife and i was alone with my dd1 and so scarced)

Get into a refuge asap, they have so much help there, or go to family far away.

And have a ((hug)) and get some sleep :)

barbiegrows · 30/07/2011 23:49

Stay strong, get a good night's sleep, not read all yr threads but if you need anything there's Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.
Big warm cosy hugs to you and dcs.x

barbiegrows · 30/07/2011 23:51

I meant to say I've not read all yr thread.

CakeandRoses · 31/07/2011 00:03

You brave, brave woman. Your children are lucky to have a mother like you. One day they will be so proud of what you've done today.

Wish I could help make things easier for you in some way. Like lisa I'd be very happy to send you (via MNHQ if they can arrange) anything you need. I've got 2 children only slightly older than yours so have tons of stuff which might be useful.

Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight, safe and snuggling up to your lovely children, with a free heart and mind and a future full of hope and opportunities.

pickgo · 31/07/2011 00:15

Sleep well timeto. x

solidgoldbrass · 31/07/2011 02:08

The most important thing you have to think of now is that this man is an enemy.All the nice things he might have done in the past were lies, and the 'real' person is the one who attacked you repeatedly, hurt you, belittled you and bullied you. So in all your dealings with him, keep hold of that thought, this is an enemy, not a friend, not someone you owe things to, not a tragic hero. You didn't 'ruin the family' he did by his violent attacks and cruelty towards you.
So he had a rotten childhood, boo fucking hoo, that doesn't give him the right to give his own DC a rotten, violent, fucked up terrifying childhood of seeing their mother choked and beaten and terrified. His problems are his problems, and if he can't get enough of a grip to sort himself out, that doesn't entitle him to hurt and terrorize you or your DC.
Well done for getting out. It's going to be OK. But don't let yourself worry about his wellbeing or his feelings. That's his lookout, not yours. He has lost any right to care, sympathy or favours from you.

inatrance · 31/07/2011 02:16

I didn't see your original thread but I just wanted to say that you are incredibly brave and that even though it is scary, it WILL be ok.

I hope you and your babies sleep well, take good care, now you can start to rebuild your lives.