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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update on timetochangeforgood

161 replies

Timetochangeforgood · 30/07/2011 19:09

We did it!
Not last time - I let him worm his way back in again :(
This time we did it! We're in emergency accommodation tonight and tomorrow and go to register as homeless on Monday. DD has cabin fever and DS is teething but we're doing fine :)
Last night was the real turning point - he smacked DD, a tap on the leg only but it was enough. I told him never to do it again and he beat me up. Calmly put DD to bed, shut the door, smashed me over the head with the computer charger, twice. Pushed me over the sofa, hit me a few times held his hand over my mouth and then throttled me until I nearly blacked out.
After he did this, he went to bed. He got up 10 minutes later and told me
If I ever screamed like I did then, like i was being murdered, ever again, he would murder me. Told me I was the one who was scarring DD because of the screaming. Not him for hitting me. He said it all 'as someone who grew up in an environment like this'.
He said I have mental problems because I had to control things when I told him not to hit DD and asked if I ever stopped to think about my part in all this and if I realise it is my fault he does it.
He claims he thinks about the children but if he did he wouldn't do what he does in front of them.
So he thinks I have gone to stay with a relative for a break. I haven't. I've packed as much as I can, including birth certificates, passports, qualification certificates and here we are. In a flea pit guest house, waiting for Monday.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to post on my last thread - I could never have done it without you all.

Onwards and upwards! :)

OP posts:
LadyThompson · 31/07/2011 21:14

Evening Timeto. Hope you manage to sleep a bit tonight. I am sure WA have everything covered and I wouldn't normally say this, but my DP is a criminal barrister (and used to be a solicitor) so if you want any informal free legal advice he is happy to help. Obviously you need a family solicitor locally but if there's anything he can help with for now...just PM me. But I expect your head is exploding for now, and WA are the real experts in all this.

I'm in the South East so not very nearby but have just moved house and have a bit of spare furniture should you need some at some point. I am sure we can sort something out if necessary Smile

Try not to let his words twist your mind and weaken your resolve. All very well for me to say I know. But you have taken such a big, amazing step for you and your kids.

lazarusb · 31/07/2011 22:22

You have taken a huge step towards a better life for you and your dcs. Maybe the biggest step. Run with it. You and your dcs will be feeling stressed now but you will be so much happier very soon.

CakeandRoses · 31/07/2011 23:29

Please don't overthink your dd hitting your ds. they all do it. my toddler ds bites, hits and rides Hmm my poor 1yo dd despite adoring her.

so pleased you told your mum. that's a big step. how do you feel about her knowing? was she aware of the history?

you have no need to question or doubt yourself, you are making perfect sense whereas he sounds horrifically and dangerously messed up.

it's a good thing to be focusing on the practicalities of tomorrow but try not to worry yourself sick - remember you WILL be ok. if you're strong enough to survive and escape being strangled, beaten and verbally abused and all on your own then you will sail through organising somewhere to live especially with all the help you will get now.

MadEyesMadeLiesEvanesco · 01/08/2011 00:35

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Blu · 01/08/2011 11:39

I hope you are getting good support re housing from the council this morning - though emergency arrangements can be a bit grim, I think. Hold tight - you'll get through this bit.

His continued insistence that it is YOU that causes him to be extremely violent tells you all you need to know, really, doesn't it? If you went back, his belief that it is your fault that he hits you gives him license (in his mind) to beat you and choke you every time you displease him. And presumably he feels the same way about your poor little dd - I wonder what it is about her, in his mind, that makes it her fault that he hits her?

So sad as it is (for what you had hoped would be your life) you are right -your decision and action are absolutely right and the only choice you have.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 01/08/2011 11:54

You've done the right thing. Never doubt it. Your DC love their daddy because that's what DC do, regardless of whether they deserve it. You are saving your children from a lifetime of pain. Well done, you're amazing.

midwife99 · 01/08/2011 20:53

Hope today went ok with housing & benefits etc. Thinking of you & I know you will carry on being amazingly strong!

Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 01/08/2011 21:25

Just a quick update.
Today has been very trying - housing people kept us waiting for 4.5 hours Shock Which I honestly wasn't prepared for. DD was a bloody nightmare all the while we were waiting and DS was cryin because it was so hot in there!
We're now back to the place we were staying before because they have nowhere else available but I have been given some information about 'bidding' on properties and have been told to get benefits sorted.
Have been told that the likelihood of getting housed is quite slim as the waiting lists are long so if I can rent privately then that would be better.
Have seen a house that is perfect, in a good area, furnished so not much to buy and not too expensive. Am going to speak to the agents tomorrow to see if they'll accept us if we're on benefits and see if someone I know can loan me the money. All this is of course dependent on getting the benefits in the first place!
I've had a look at the calculator thingy on the website but it's pretty confusing - I have NO idea how much I am entitled to and because I'm on maternity it gets even more confusing.
Am absolutely shattered but we'll get there.

Thanks again to everyone who's posted. :)

OP posts:
Jux · 01/08/2011 21:55

Well done, time to, you'll get there. Sleep well.

CakeandRoses · 01/08/2011 22:04

Well done!

Would have hoped they would have made this all a bit easier for you tho Sad

The house sounds great. Hope that works out for you.

Can't WA advise on benefits and some of this stuff?

How're you feeling now?

Blu · 01/08/2011 22:08

Really sorry about the 4.5 hour wait Sad. Presumably they offere a 'first come first serve' queue of everyone needing an emergency appointment?

I hope the confirmation of benefits will help you get housed v quickly in rented accommodation.

Hang on in there.

honeyandsalt · 01/08/2011 22:13

Just from googling "benefits checker" there seems to be an organisation to help, Turn to Us, they have a free phone number 0808 802 2000 8am-8pmn Mon-Fri. Might be worth a call?

Stay strong! x

itwasthat · 01/08/2011 22:26

the support from the women out there is absolutely amazing, its fantastic to see the sisterhood in action!

TimeForMeIsFree · 01/08/2011 22:29

Time, re the housing, your situation will be assessed and you should be given a banding for housing, probably a 'B' in your situation, this will make you a priority when it comes to bidding on houses.

Please keep in touch with WA as they will help you and offer practical support when dealing with housing and benefits. You don't have to deal with this alone.

Keep up the good work, you are doing great Smile

MalibuStac · 01/08/2011 22:40

timeto so glad to see you've gotten out. I am so proud of you for getting you and the kids out. There's a website called entitled too which calculates everything. Best to go to citizens advice for help.

Alambil · 01/08/2011 23:02

Well done timeto - really, Well Done.

Don't forget the Citizen's Advice Bureau will also have benefits knowledge and your local SureStart centre will have space for the children to play. They will also have Family Support Workers who can attend appointments and things if you need extra hands / notes writing / support

Most of all - congratulations on the first week of your new life.

barbiegrows · 02/08/2011 00:06

If you're living in an area with waiting lists private housing is the way to go, but you can keep bidding once you are in private. People I know have done that - you have to keep trying and trying but eventually they get there. Private is much easier to start with if you have the deposit etc. I hope it goes well tomorrow with the agency.

suaveharv · 02/08/2011 00:30

Hi timeto

This is my first post on mn, but I felt compelled to add my support. I read your first post and kept checking to see how you were and if you'd managed to leave. Anyway, well done you :) you should be so proud of yourself, stay strong and keep thinking about your beautiful children.

itwasthat · 02/08/2011 11:35

hi there, just wondering what age are your children so i can see if i have anything that you may find useful - hope you have a better day today - sending you hugs

Portofino · 02/08/2011 11:48

Women's Aid should be able to help you with the benefits/housing side of things.

midwife99 · 02/08/2011 13:20

I agree - back to women's aid for housing & benefit support. Let me know if I can help in any way.

neepsntatties · 02/08/2011 13:53

Just seen this thread, I think you are amazing. A strong, beautiful woman. I hope you are well today.

Proudnscary · 02/08/2011 17:12

Wow goosebumps at your story.
Sorry you've had a rough day, take it a step at a time and take all the wise advice on here.
What you've been through is so awful - what a PIG you have been living with. Do not ever lose sight of the inhuman way he's treated you.
Goosebumps again.
Good luck x

lazarusb · 02/08/2011 20:01

Hello again Smile So yesterday was a bad day. But again you got through it, stood by your dcs and got some answers if not all. I hope today was a bit better. You sound absolutely rock solid and clear about what you want and need. Keep going.

Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 02/08/2011 21:12

Much better day today :)
DC slept in until 9.30 which meant I could go back to sleep too, which really helped.
Spoke to the HA lady again and they've processed (are processing it?) my application and will be sending me details of everything in the next few days. I've got them to send it to my mum's so she can just let me know what it says.
Trying to sort out benefits now. Had a go at the online calculators again and got two completely different sums (to the tune of £8000!) but did manage to speak to someone at a one stop (?) place who said they could help sort them out for me.
Also had a chat with my friend, who called the other night, and she might be able to help me out with a hOuse deposit.
I think I would need a guarantor as I don't have a credit rating for my last 3 addresses and my history before that is dreadful. I have a ccj as a lasting memory of another bad relationship so that will probably affect things.
That said, if I'm honest and up front about things maybe it will be ok.
Am waiting for a response for a viewing of the house I've seen so fingers crossed we'll get somewhere tomorrow.
DD is still missing her dad (and granny, grandad and uncle!) and the copious amounts of crisps and cakes she is getting to eat (we're in the middle of suburbia, no shops and no cooking facilities) is not even making up for it. A little bit of guilt crept in earlier as I got cross with her and shouted when she wouldn't stop whining and whinging at me. My patience is definitely a lot thinner at the moment, which isn't her fault :(

Itwasthat - thanks for the kind offer. DD is 2 and DS is 6 months - luckily he's happy with a muslin cloth and his big sister for entertainment Grin DD is a little harder to please but she has a little rucksack with all her favourite little plastic toys, some paper and colouring pens and we went to the library the other day, so they at least have a few books too. Thanks to the double buggy and my very strong arm muscles we managed to bring quite a lot with us (4 bags and a large suitcase!) although I do look a bit of a crazy woman walking
Around the street with it all! :)

Am definitely feeling better today as this evening I'm much more lighthearted. My friend has been a great support (as has everyone on here) and even made me laugh a few times tonight on the phone!

OP posts: