Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update on timetochangeforgood

161 replies

Timetochangeforgood · 30/07/2011 19:09

We did it!
Not last time - I let him worm his way back in again :(
This time we did it! We're in emergency accommodation tonight and tomorrow and go to register as homeless on Monday. DD has cabin fever and DS is teething but we're doing fine :)
Last night was the real turning point - he smacked DD, a tap on the leg only but it was enough. I told him never to do it again and he beat me up. Calmly put DD to bed, shut the door, smashed me over the head with the computer charger, twice. Pushed me over the sofa, hit me a few times held his hand over my mouth and then throttled me until I nearly blacked out.
After he did this, he went to bed. He got up 10 minutes later and told me
If I ever screamed like I did then, like i was being murdered, ever again, he would murder me. Told me I was the one who was scarring DD because of the screaming. Not him for hitting me. He said it all 'as someone who grew up in an environment like this'.
He said I have mental problems because I had to control things when I told him not to hit DD and asked if I ever stopped to think about my part in all this and if I realise it is my fault he does it.
He claims he thinks about the children but if he did he wouldn't do what he does in front of them.
So he thinks I have gone to stay with a relative for a break. I haven't. I've packed as much as I can, including birth certificates, passports, qualification certificates and here we are. In a flea pit guest house, waiting for Monday.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to post on my last thread - I could never have done it without you all.

Onwards and upwards! :)

OP posts:
superjobee · 30/07/2011 20:14

your original OP was one of the first i read when i joined and one of the reasons i stuck around after seeing the support you got. well done for you and the kids i think what you are doing is amazing i hope it doesnt take too long for houses etc to be sorted for you x

newportstateofmind · 30/07/2011 20:24

Hi timeto, I remember your original thread and read all of it, although I didn't post at the time because I don't have experience of DV and felt others had more to offer you.

I am so sorry that you have had more horrendous experiences, but so pleased that you are finally free!

I think you are an amazing mum and so incredibly strong, I hope that things get sorted out for you and your DC soon, so that you can get on with building a new life.

All the best, x

Splinterbottom · 30/07/2011 20:29

Bloody well done. Stay strong. You can do it. He sounds like the sort of man who can get under your skin and get you to think black is white. Well done for breaking free, mentally as well as physically. Your children will thank you for it every day when they're older.

vanimal · 30/07/2011 20:38

You are amazing. The best of luck, your children are lucky to have such an amazing mother.

x

HairyGrotter · 30/07/2011 21:21

You have done the most amazing thing for your children, and for yourself. If you ever doubt that, then remember, you have saved them from the fate that has befallen their father, they won't grow up to be abusers, they will grow up in a house full of love and become wonderful citizens of our society.

Well done, keep strong, keep clear and lean on those who care when you need to.

Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 30/07/2011 21:23

Thanks everyone!
Have dismantled the hotel bed and put the mattress on the floor so no one falls out and we're eating crisps and chocolate so it's a bit like being on holiday! :)

Just spoke to my friend and long term think I will move back home as I have more support there. She is shocked but supportive so I'm glad I told her.

Unfortunately, the medical condition can only be treated properly in 2 places in the country so will have to stay here. Hopefully treatment will be finished when he is 1-2 years old so more flexibility then.

OP posts:
ninja · 30/07/2011 21:32

wow - you sound so together. Well done!

I'm presently separating from my H so I know the dilemas but nothing like your situation.

I remember your original thread and you should feel so proud of what you've done

Blu · 30/07/2011 21:54

Do all your friends and family know that they must not tell him where you are under any circumstances?
Many women have been let down by family members who have fallen for a sob story or a fake emergency.
Do you have access to any legal advice?
It sounds as if you are doing really well.

Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 30/07/2011 22:07

I haven't told anyone, except this one friend that we've left. My family all live a long way away and I'll tell them when we're more settled. Luckily they aren't likely to tell him anything without talking tome first.
This one friend is totally trustworthy and sworn to secrecy.

Ninja - Thanks for saying i sound 'together' I'm sure it hasn't sunk in yet but willwhen we register as 'homeless'! Then we'll see howtogether i can be!
Good luck with your situation, hope it goes how you want it to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 30/07/2011 22:10

Haven't had legal advice yet but WA have recommended some solicitors.
They sorted this b&b out too so I'm really grateful to them - and to everyone on here who told me to contact them and what to expect.

OP posts:
pickgo · 30/07/2011 22:12

Timeto, How absolutely shocking and awful. That must have been truly terrifying for you. And only last night you say? you must still be in deep shock. Oh God, Timeto big big hugs x

well done for going - but I can understand why you are scared. Would you consider ringing Women's Aid? Would you go to a refuge? Some of them are hotel standard and there is support and you are safe. They'd also sort out housing, benefits and most have sols that visit regularly who are experienced in DV cases. You can ring now if you like - they are 24/7.

You really should see a doctor, to get checked out but also so there is a record of your injuries. You should also report it to the police.

Is there any way he could know where you are?

pickgo · 30/07/2011 22:15

On sorry Timeto X post. No refuge there then? Or full? Or perhaps you didn't want to go anyway. WA really are fantastic and will give you loads of support if you want it.

Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 30/07/2011 22:24

The refuge is full :( for all those other people who are going through this too.
All credit to the council guy though, he sorted it within 10 minutes!

Am looking at both my babies (finally) fast asleep and I feel hopeful.

Oh and my now ex P has just texted me asking if I have taken the door keys as he's locked out! Ha ha

Strange how he seems to think everything is still ok, despite last night and me going today. I really thought he'd have known deep down that I'd really left this time.

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 30/07/2011 22:28

Timeto: Well done, you are so brave and right to put your kids and yourself first. You had no choice, and things will only get better now.

I work in a hospital, and yes, even though you made an excuse for your previous injury when you were admitted, if you go to police/doctors about about what happened last night, and tell them that you were injured before, but made up an excuse, they will accept this, and your medical records will back this up. So please don't hesitate to see your GP and have latest incident recorded. Everythings logged on, and your recent incident will be validated by your first - even though you covered it up at the time.

Be proud of yourself - your kids have a fantastic mum.

FabbyChic · 30/07/2011 22:30

Stay strong, for yours and your childrens sake you have done the right thing x

honeyandsalt · 30/07/2011 22:34

Hi, I didn't see your last thread -just had a look at it now- this is terrifying. I really think he could have killed you. WELL DONE.

Your DD doesn't understand the situation yet but one day she'll come to understand what a strong role model you are for her, that you didn't stand for being battered, that you stood up for yourself and her and said enough is enough. SO much better for her than listening and seeing the results of his behaviour, do not even worry about it, you tell her the truth (a softened version to start with, when she's older) and she'll believe you and understand. I wouldn't let him see the kids on his own anyway to be honest, this contact center thing sounds like a plan...

I wish you would call the police too, really I do. Get as many people to help you as possible.

hellymelly · 30/07/2011 22:34

Well done and a huge hug to you for your bravery.I have been in your postition but I was childless then,I know how frightening it is. Your children will thank you when they are old enough to understand,and you will be alive to look after them.

pickgo · 30/07/2011 22:37

Have they said they might be able to get you in soon timeto?

Your X will have justified what he's done in his head so thoroughly he will expect you to come back.

PeepToes · 30/07/2011 22:45

Hi
You have been so very brave, and it will have taken a lot of strength to do what you have done. Please stay strong, as you have done the absolute right thing, and there will be tough times ahead.

Do see your GP, and gather up as much support from your friends and family as you can.

I left my H after many years of physical and mental abuse, mostly relating to alcohol, and doubt myself a lot of the time. But I kept diaries so read and re-read them just so I can remember exactly what was said/ done etc. Mine said when I left the first time I was weak, so I allowed him back into our lives. I left for a second time a few weeks ago, and am determined not to allow myself to be influenced by him again.

Anyway. I think you are so strong, and you should be proud of yourself to have left this vile man.

Well done, take care and keep posting.

Jux · 30/07/2011 22:47

Hey there Timeto! So glad you've made the break, well done.

I think it is very important that you get your injuries logged officially, even if it means spending the whole of Sunday waiting around at A & E, or the police station.

All the best over the next few weeks while you get things sorted; it's not going to be wine and roses, but it'll be worth it. Keep us posted, Timeto. Thinking of you and best of luck. Stay strong.

Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 30/07/2011 22:49

You're right. He genuinely thinks that he has the right to treat me like that because of the 'way I am'.
He said this morning that he wanted to show me, to teach me a lesson that I shouldn't try and control everything to do with the kids. He also says ge doesn't want DD growing up to be like me - bloody cheek!
I'm not sure what will happen re: refuge/somewhere to live. I'd also like to go and get the rest of my stuff when we've found somewhere. All the babies' photos are on his pc and their keepsake boxes and baby books too :( alsoDS's bedside cot and pushchair seat. Silly things but for some reason they seem to mean more now.

OP posts:
want2sleep · 30/07/2011 22:50

(((hugs))) you are so brave and strong:)

That is total horror reading what happened and I am so glad you and your dc are safe now

Please make sure he cant trace you...your mobile/IP email address when you move. Maybe keep your mobile so that he carries on texting you for now...good evidence as he will get peed off and aggressive other ways if he cant physical...so be prepared for this as he will try to drain you in hope you go back. can you get your injuries logged with hospital?

Where you the post that asked what to take when leaving (sorry my memory is poor)? Well done again:)

Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 30/07/2011 22:58

I did ask what to take and have all important docs (including his passport, naughty me!). None of my post gies home because he didn't want to be financially linked to me (bad credit, due to previous boyfriend - sigh! Will I never learn!) so he can't trace me from that. The phone is in his name so I'll have to get my own sim card but will keep this for now,

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 30/07/2011 23:00

Am currently sitting here eating tesco pre packed pasta with DD's medicine spoon she uses for her vitamins and drinking out of her toddler cup! I must look very daft!

OP posts:
LadyThompson · 30/07/2011 23:00

You say you feel hopeful - there are bound to be some really tough times ahead but you have EVERY REASON to feel hopeful. You have much to look forward to. You are articulate and courageous and it might be a cliche but just try to take each day at a time. You have got some self respect left because you have packed up your kids and gone - therefore, you will be FINE. You aren't mangling your kids' relationship with their Dad - you are removing them from a frighteningly toxic environment that is a danger to them and of course to you (possibly mortal danger to you!) The best of luck to you, brave lady. Enjoy your lovely new life away from that poisonous shit.