Update on timetochangeforgood

[Timetochangeforgood]

We did it!
Not last time - I let him worm his way back in again :(
This time we did it! We're in emergency accommodation tonight and tomorrow and go to register as homeless on Monday. DD has cabin fever and DS is teething but we're doing fine :)
Last night was the real turning point - he smacked DD, a tap on the leg only but it was enough. I told him never to do it again and he beat me up. Calmly put DD to bed, shut the door, smashed me over the head with the computer charger, twice. Pushed me over the sofa, hit me a few times held his hand over my mouth and then throttled me until I nearly blacked out.
After he did this, he went to bed. He got up 10 minutes later and told me
If I ever screamed like I did then, like i was being murdered, ever again, he would murder me. Told me I was the one who was scarring DD because of the screaming. Not him for hitting me. He said it all 'as someone who grew up in an environment like this'.
He said I have mental problems because I had to control things when I told him not to hit DD and asked if I ever stopped to think about my part in all this and if I realise it is my fault he does it.
He claims he thinks about the children but if he did he wouldn't do what he does in front of them.
So he thinks I have gone to stay with a relative for a break. I haven't. I've packed as much as I can, including birth certificates, passports, qualification certificates and here we are. In a flea pit guest house, waiting for Monday.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to post on my last thread - I could never have done it without you all.

Onwards and upwards! :)

Well done for getting out. I hope you stay strong for your DCs and your sake. As the phone is in his name get a PAYG sim, as he will not then be able to trace where you are/log your calls. Do not call him or anyone who might give him your new number until you are settled and feeling safe. He will moan about contact with your DCs, but you have to see that your safety is more important at the moment. You say he is the product of his own upbringing, his dad was the same. He has chosen to be this way. My dad and step mother were emotional and physical bullies, but I chose not to be like them.
You are brilliant OP, long may it continue.

So happy you got away, my friend going through the same and i am supporting her, you stay strong, concentrate on the kiddies they will be your shining light through all this, please please contact Womans Aid they help they give is amazing and they do not ask alot of questions , but give help quickly and where it is needed, you are an amazing woman and have done a brilliant thing , one day your kids will know this and be so proud of there Mum. hugs to youxx

Thanks for all the messages.
Rubbish night's sleep but woke up next to my beautiful babies who greeted me with big smiles. Have to hold onto moments like that.
Am going to take it easy today. Find something for DCs to do, try and maintain some sense of normality.

I saw your last thread, well not all of it, but enough iyswim.
Well done for getting out.
You have more people thinking of you than you can imagine.
Good luck & DON'T GO BACK. x

Well done love. You are free at last. I posted alot on your original thread & was worried when you went quiet but you have now escaped! Things will improve from now on & accommodation & benefits will get sorted. I know you're in the north east so if any of us up there can help in any way please ask! You're a brave strong woman & a wonderful mother! You can now break the cycle so your kids don't grow up thinking abuse = love.

OP I didn't see your last thread, but well done for getting out. It must be terribly hard for you, I cannot even imagine how hard it must be actually.

I will be following this thread and offering as much support as you will need in the days ahead xx

Good morning. Sounds like a lovely sight to wake up to I really hope you enjoy your day.

You've taken the hardest step, as midwife says things should get easier from now on as you'll start to get support and accommodation.

Oh god, you have so, so done the right thing.

In a way, the fact that your DD loves her daddy is one of the most awful things about the whole business. Because she idolises a man who has already begun to hit her and who beats her mum up. She would grow to believe that is the right way for daddies to behave and the right way for women to be treated. Eventually she would marry another man like it because it is safe and normal for her, and maybe your grandchildren would get beaten the same way. As for your baby DS, what would happen to him? Would his dad beat and intimidate him too, or would he favour him for his superior maleness and encourage him to treat his mother and sister and future partners with violence and contempt? Hard to decide which is worse.

Sparing them that future is just as important as saving your own, very precious, life. (And just think how that would impact on the DCs, not only losing their mother but their father as well; because he would get life imprisonment for it, and rightly so. In a way you're even doing him a favour by getting away. Not that doing him favours should be in any way a priority for you.)

timeto, your family will be saddened, angry at him, possibly shocked, but blaming you is part of his mechanism for controlling you. While you continue to allow your embarrassment to prevent you from seeking the support you need, you weaken your position. Be strong, for yourself and your kids. The stronger you are, the more support you have -from police, SS, WA, your family- the easier life will get.

This was not your fault. Really. Truly. I bloody mean it.

Pick up the phone. Make those difficult phone calls, for yourself, for your kids. Please. You've been holding it together brilliantly, and I'm sure you feel as though if you phone your mum you'll start crying and won't be able to stop, but this has to be a permanent move, and you need help.

Timeto - Well done!! I posted on your earlier thread and like everyone else I am so relieved you have left! Keep strong and keep going.

Telling your family you've left him seems to me to be really important. I understand your reluctance, as once other people know it makes it real, but that's why it's so important. At the moment I'm sure it all seems quite surreal. Let them help and support you & your DC.

So proud of you! x

If you wanted to go back to your home you could apply for an occupation order, that would mean he'd have to leave. You can also apply for a property adjustment order to have him removed from a tenancy if you're joint tenants. I really would get rid of that phone at the first opportunity though. Don't want him tracking you down and turning up. You should feel really proud of yourself, you're being really brave.

Congratulations. It's 16 years since I left my ex but I remember the relief of standing outside the flat with bin bags full of clothes.
Your dcs will thank you for this one day. Stay strong and be kind to yourself, you have done a hugely brave thing.

He rang me earlier and I wasn't sure whether to answer, whether speaking to him would break my resolve. I answered it and I'm more certain than I was before. It hurts more now because the sense of loss is creeping in. What could've been and what should've been and how things have panned out. And how I love someone who doesn't exist but i still miss him. I'm sad for my kids and sad for my idealisms. But all he did was make excuses and bang on about me, my flaws and how I need to change (!). Advised me to look at what it is that I do that drives 'people' (no, just him) to do that.he tied himself up in knots trying to reason and justify and changing his story from 'it's for the best' to 'we don't get on' to 'let's have break for 3 months' to 'you'll never change'.

Not even sure if this post makes sense!

Have spoken to my mum now, at least so it is all real and happening.

That post makes perfect sense. It is him that doesn't. But please be aware that this is a very dangerous time. He will probably be able to justify any course of action to bring you back.

Saw your last thread and was so pleased to read this one.

I don't know whereabouts in the country you are but I have a great buggy, high chair and lots of stuff stored in the attic if you can't get back to get your own stuff. Might also have a couple of single beds in a few weeks. I'm in Manchester (please don't take offence - my aunt had to do what you did, and we all put together to refurnish her house).

Am struggling not to cry tonight and DD seems to know something is up as she has just hit her brother for the first time ever in 5 months :(
Thanks Geeklove, I need it drummed into me on here so if I falter I can keep re reading the thread as even though I KNOW that it is nOt my fault I do find me questioning myself.
Am trying not to pre-empt tomorrow as I just get worried, about where we will be living, where we'll get stuff from, contact, even if he will bloody kidnap the kids!

Early night needed, I think.

You will be ok and everything will come together - just hang on in there and give it time. Grit those teeth a bit, you will get through.

It isn't your fault in any way shape or form. Also well done for getting out and doing the very very best for yourself and the children. Don't ever even think of going back, please. Your OP chilled me right through

Thanks notbloodybranston I'm not too proud to accept help if I need it will give you a shout if I need to as I'm not too far from you.
Am overwhelmed by all your support and kindness, so thanks. :)

Have a good nights sleep - you will feel better tomorrow when you start "getting organised". You have absolutely done the right thing and you know it....next time you might not have been so lucky....

Well done - your kids will think you for this in the future :)

You are a brave, brave lady and my hat is off to you. That took ovaries.

Big sisters hit little brothers all the time! I would bet completely unrelated to what you have been through.

Good night's sleep, sort it tomorrow. I am thinking of you and wishing you well.

Brilliant

Will watch out for your message - I live near the Trafford Centre but work in the city centre. Let me know what you need when you have more idea.

at 'that took ovaries' you just made me smile.

I'm glad :)

Try not to worry too much Time, WA will help you with EVERYTHING!!

Well done on getting out, I am very proud of you! Your new life starts now! x

I would bet my left ovary there's a ton of perspective on your original thread too. Whenever he starts to try and turn his behaviour onto you, stop, close your eyes, breathe, remember the words of MNers and remember that it is him who is being emotional, irrational, and uncontrolled. You are in control, and you don't need to accede to his bullshit. If you are genuinely worried he'll try and take the kids, make sure anyone else taking care of him is well aware of this. Keep growing that spine woman, you and your kids need it. What they don't need is an abusive fuckwit of a father in their daily lives, any kid from an abusive background can tell you that.

My favourite quotation, ever, is "noone can make you feel inferior without your consent" (Eleavor Roosevelt). You allowed him to make you feel inferior for his own ends - but you can stop doing that now. You can say no. There is NOTHING keeping you with him, the support is there. I'd move back with your mum for now tbh and travel for appointments if I were you.

Well done for calling your mum. Don' forget to log your injuries with your GP/the police and get help with getting your stuff back, maybe WA/the police can help with advice on that. Not sure if they'd escort you back to your house to get it? Or could your brother? Worth asking.