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Original poster

My boyfriend is a selfish lover and I don't know what to do

163 replies

Teaparty001 · 20/07/2011 20:09

Hi everyone, first post in here. Sorry if it's crude in parts.

I'm 25, been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. He's great and so is our relationship except he is selfish in bed.

I am a very sexual person and enjoy good sex and prior to my boyfriend I had very attentive boyfriends who put me first and me them.

My current boyf literally just wants to fuck (sorry). He wants to put it in, come and go to sleep. I've spoken to him four times now about it, I've told him what I need and what turns me on, how to touch me, I've also showed him websites with tips for men and foreplay etc etc. he's always a bit hurt, plus he's a real prude and doesn't like talking about sex.

After we talk about it things will be ok for a week or so but then slowly return. Also when hes actually putting effort in, I've now got a mental block so I cannot come because I feel pressure to because I know he just wants to cut to the chase.

I don't know if I can be with someone who doesn't care if I'm satisfied or not. But everything else in the relationship is good - we go on nice holidays, make eachother laugh, we should be moving in together this year too which I'm having doubts about.

Any advice welcome

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/07/2011 23:01

good luck x

Eurostar · 20/07/2011 23:03

Staying with him while you look for something better is very shoddy, selfish behaviour. Do you really want to be one of those people? It's not something you'd want to happen to someone you like or to you surely? It sounds like you need to work on extending your friend circle so you are not reliant on one person to "be there for you" every day.

As I said earlier, he may have a chance to get good in bed if you work through the psychosexual therapy together. However, as I said, if he turns into MOM, you still need to think about Mom though...

Original poster
Teaparty001 · 20/07/2011 23:07

I know it's shoddy and selfish, very aware. As I said I'm torn, one part wants to work through it, the other wants to run

OP posts:
Original poster
Teaparty001 · 20/07/2011 23:08

And I do have many good friends who I socialise with, more so recently. I was referring to a partner when I said that.

I know the mum will always be an issue too in the future, which makes it all the more difficult

OP posts:
Eurostar · 20/07/2011 23:47

I'd be asking what your partner gives you that your friends don't as you fear the loss of him. It's not making you feel good in bed clearly and it's not compliments that make you feel good by the sounds of it. What would you be losing by breaking up with him?

FabbyChic · 20/07/2011 23:53

Considering he watches porn you would think he would know what to do.

He sound closet gay to be honest.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 20/07/2011 23:58

What do you mean you've "invested 2 years" in this man?

That is a really fucking weird way to think about relationships.

You've gone out with him for 2 years, and now you're not happy. So you stop going out with him.

That doesn't make the 2 years a "bad investment", it just means that you guys aren't right together, so you break up.

Even if it was an investment, if you invest money in something and you don't get a good return, you don't then decide to put ALL your money into the bad investment just to prove that your original investment was right all along.

You're 25. Go and meet someone who gives you orgasms.

BitOfFun · 21/07/2011 00:13

It's two years of an education. Now you know what you don't want, and that sex has to be a factor in a good relationship for you. You don't need longer than that. Do you?

sweetandtenderhooligan · 21/07/2011 00:31

OP I felt the very same as you when I was 22, my bf and I had a lovely, secure relationship, he made me laugh etc but he was shite in bed. I went through all the same thoughts, frustrations and questions as you and ultimately decided that quick, crap, unsatisfying sex was better than not having him at all. 16 years on, I love him dearly and we have 2 beautiful dc, but he's only ever made me orgasm about 4 times, the last time being in April 2001. It's not going to get better for you OP. Don't make the same mistake I did. You deserve better (and so do I Sad)

HansieMom · 21/07/2011 00:39

Ask him, "what's in it for me"?

lachesis · 21/07/2011 00:58

anyone who stays with a person like this at 25, with no kids, no ties, is making their own bed, IMO.

you don't need anyone to tell you this isn't on, past experience has shown you this.

life is too short for shite sex.

dump and move on.

Monty27 · 21/07/2011 01:05

At 25 it's been an experience, not an investment.

Go forth and find the one, and enjoy it. :)

lachesis · 21/07/2011 01:06

I'm 40 and I don't consider time I've spent in relationships investments, just time I spent in relationships, good or bad.

reelingintheyears · 21/07/2011 01:19

But surely a good partnership is for life...it's what we all want..

Sex has to be worked at.....it doesnt just happen and stay good forever.

For either partner.

TeiTetua · 21/07/2011 01:20

I wonder if this man has a basic fear or repulsion towards sex. If he's something of a prude, then perhaps he just doesn't want to get involved with anything like ugh, nasty slimy female bits, except for the bare minimum.

You might be able to change his attitude, but after 2 years, it doesn't look too hopeful. The ideal would be if he could see that having sex in a different way would be better for him as well as you. But if he won't hear it, you'll have many years to think about when you last had any good sex.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 21/07/2011 06:48

He's not really a prude, though, if he's watching nasty ass to mouth porn. He just doesn't see women as actual sexual autonomous beings who get pleasure. Just as vessels to be done to.

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 21/07/2011 07:09

Even if he's nice in other ways the sex issue just shows his true personality.

He's a selfish misogynistic mummy's boy.

(BTW, the Oedipus complex 'in reverse' is called the Elektra complex)

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 21/07/2011 07:12

Sorry ignore that last sentence I'd misread your earlier post Blush

Anyway... Get out ASAP. You deserve better.

Original poster
Teaparty001 · 21/07/2011 09:48

I think he needs sexual counselling and he needs to talk to someone about the relationship with his mother.

She abused him badly from a young age, would beat him senseless over nothing. Would wake him up with the belt until about 19. She is schizophrenic.

OP posts:
inatrance · 21/07/2011 11:23

Are you sure he lives with his mother? It's not just him in a wig putting on an old lady voice...?

Grin

Seriously though this isn't going to go anywhere is it? He's unlikely to change now. You deserve better. One day you will look back and wonder why the hell you stayed.

TheCrackFox · 21/07/2011 11:30

Well, when you dump him you need to do it nicely but mention that he really needs some form of councelling. If his mum is as abusive as you describe then he really needs to find the strength to move out - that doesn't mean to say you need to be his girlfriend whilst he gets his life back on track.

inatrance · 21/07/2011 11:46

Just re read my last post and it sounds really flippant. Blush sorry OP didn't mean it to, I think what I was trying to say was that it seems like he has massive deep rooted issues, stuff you can't fix.

Original poster
Teaparty001 · 21/07/2011 11:52

inatrance Don't worry, I think he does have a lot of issues. He has a very short fuse too, because she's always up his arse he has a low tolerance for being questioned etc. I do think he has been faithful to me though, always trusted him

OP posts:
ameliagrey · 21/07/2011 12:12

His mother beat him with a belt until he was 19? OMG this poor man. No wonder he has issues relating to women and behaves towards you as he does. It sounds as if he has never been shown any love in his life. Poor guy.

It's not your role to be his fixer or save him- unless you want to. Can he afford counselling?

mauricetinkler · 21/07/2011 21:21

Touting for work again, AG?

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