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Original poster

My boyfriend is a selfish lover and I don't know what to do

163 replies

Teaparty001 · 20/07/2011 20:09

Hi everyone, first post in here. Sorry if it's crude in parts.

I'm 25, been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. He's great and so is our relationship except he is selfish in bed.

I am a very sexual person and enjoy good sex and prior to my boyfriend I had very attentive boyfriends who put me first and me them.

My current boyf literally just wants to fuck (sorry). He wants to put it in, come and go to sleep. I've spoken to him four times now about it, I've told him what I need and what turns me on, how to touch me, I've also showed him websites with tips for men and foreplay etc etc. he's always a bit hurt, plus he's a real prude and doesn't like talking about sex.

After we talk about it things will be ok for a week or so but then slowly return. Also when hes actually putting effort in, I've now got a mental block so I cannot come because I feel pressure to because I know he just wants to cut to the chase.

I don't know if I can be with someone who doesn't care if I'm satisfied or not. But everything else in the relationship is good - we go on nice holidays, make eachother laugh, we should be moving in together this year too which I'm having doubts about.

Any advice welcome

OP posts:
Alambil · 20/07/2011 20:12

you're 25 and settling for a life of "good holidays and laughter".

Is that what you want? Really?

TheOriginalFAB · 20/07/2011 20:14

Sex is very important and if it isn't amazing now it won't ever be. I would leave.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 20/07/2011 20:16

Don't have sex with him?

If he's being considerate, all well and good. First sign of wham, bam thank you mam, you say "Get off me. I am not your aid to masturbation." and you leave the room.

I think it would be effective. It sends the clearest possible message that you are not simply there to service him but that sex is supposed to be something the two of you enjoy together.

Or you could just get rid of him and find someone who wouldn't be the sort of person you would need to pass such kind of message to.

mauricetinkler · 20/07/2011 20:16

Agree with OFAB. Life's too short to spend it with a 'point and shoot' man.

MooncupGoddess · 20/07/2011 20:18

You can go on holiday and have a good laugh with friends. 25 is too young to settle for a lifetime of crap sex!

Also, bad sex tends to bleed into other areas of the relationship... before long you may lose interest in sex altogether, he'll get cross, relationship goes downhill.

Sorry OP.

Original poster
Teaparty001 · 20/07/2011 20:19

He didn't know until I told him the other day that most women cannot orgasm through penetration alone, his jaw dropped. I had to explain. He is 32 btw

OP posts:
SchrodingersMew · 20/07/2011 20:21

I don't think you can settle for this. :(

Fab is right, sex is important and you will come to resent him for it, you either need to tell him straight that it isn't going to work unless he puts a hell of a lot more effort in or consider what future you really have. If it is already getting to you now it will be a lot worse in the future.

Alternatively you could embarrass him into doing something. Take him to a karaoke night and sing Lily Allen's Not Fair while staring at him. :o

In all seriousness though, you really have to think about whether you will be happy with him in the future if it carries on like this.

FabbyChic · 20/07/2011 20:22

I spent some months with someone who rolled on and rolled off, that is all he done. Eventually I got bored of the sex, and in the end bored of him.

He never touched me, I felt sex was pointless so we never had it, the relatinship fizzled out. If he cannot make an effort now early on, he won't ever change.

seasidesister · 20/07/2011 20:25

I think if he is amenable to training then show him what you like again. Give him some time and see if he ups his game a bit. If not, then you know what the answer is.

TheCrackFox · 20/07/2011 20:26

Just dump him.

You are not a fancy wank and you deserve more.

BitOfFun · 20/07/2011 20:27

If you've tried and it hasn't made any difference, I'd call it a day. He doesn't exactly sound like your soulmate, does he?

Original poster
Teaparty001 · 20/07/2011 20:28

I just thought it would get better as we got to know each other more. I should've ran after the first time, which was awful.

OP posts:
TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 20/07/2011 20:29

Why would you think that?

They are more likely to try harder in the beginning!

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 20/07/2011 20:29

I spent over 20 years with a bloke like this.

I showed him how to touch me, what I liked, he wouldn't do it he would touch me how he liked not how I liked.

He just wanted to fuck me and have done with it.

He is now the ex.

If I could turn the clock back I would run and run like fuck as far and as fast as possible in the other direction - I would never ever ever again settle for second best, and that's what you would be doing if you stayed with him.

Alambil · 20/07/2011 20:29

2 years is a good crack at the whip to try to improve things... don't stay for the sake of "trying" any more.

Original poster
Teaparty001 · 20/07/2011 20:29

But now I'm 2 years invested in this guy (which seems a lot to me) and I do love him and care about him. I'm so torn

OP posts:
Original poster
Teaparty001 · 20/07/2011 20:31

Fuckmepink are you with someone more considerate now?

OP posts:
TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 20/07/2011 20:31

So then stay with him and have crap sex. Only you can make this choice. Settle for crap sex because you feel he makes up for it in other ways, if you do. That's your choice and you have the right to make it. But you will have to accept that you made that choice and live with it. If that's what you feel will make you happiest, then that's right for you.

TheCrackFox · 20/07/2011 20:32

2 years really is nothing.

Do you really want to spend the next 50 yrs having shit sex?

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 20/07/2011 20:34

Teaparty001 - yes I am and it was a revelation. I like sex. I'm told I'm pretty good at it too Grin. DP is totally different

(Am tempted to say I come first but that would lower the tone Wink)

I would never ever settle again. Not ever.

I ended up resenting sex. (There were other issues but wrt sex). I became the best sleep faker you ever saw. Went to bed at 10 every night to avoid him. The sex was pointless, there was nothing in it for me. I thought I was frigid, didn't like sex.

I was wrong.

Original poster
Teaparty001 · 20/07/2011 20:40

That's the thing I don't avoid sex as Its not awful I just never orgasm. And I do resent him, he tries to throw it back at me and say he would like more foreplay too.

I'm pleased for you fuckmepink (love the name)

I really cant see myself doing this forever, I know I will stray

OP posts:
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 20/07/2011 20:42

I can almost guarantee you will end up avoiding sex eventually.

In my case, it contributed to the end of my marriage. Not all of it, but the selfishness he showed in that area ended up coming out in other ways.

If it was me, or if you were my daughter (which is possible age wise I'm almost 42) I'd be advising you to think carefully before you invest anymore in this relationship

Piggles · 20/07/2011 20:43

A friend of mine 'settled' for a guy who was crap in bed. He was otherwise a pretty great catch - attractive, nice, successful, fun, lots in common etc. She thought sex couldn't be that important, or that she could change his 'style'.

It turns out that sex is that important, and that he wouldn't or couldn't take direction.

She said one night she was lying back with her legs in the air, waiting for his idea of sex to be over, and found herself pondering whether she should buy parsnips or swede at Waitrose the next day... and she knew then that the relationship was doomed Grin

25 is pretty young yet to 'settle', and 2 years isn't that much in the scheme of things. Can you really imagine having crap sex for the rest of your life?

AnyFucker · 20/07/2011 20:45

so you have "invested" 2 years in shit sex ?

that's not good

and certainly not any excuse to carry on in an unsatisfactory sexual relationship...throwuing more time after bad isn't the answer

you have tried to make him understand

he doesn't want to, he wants to be "Wham bam now wash my fucking socks" man

set him free to be a crap lover with someone else

time you found yourself a real man, who knows how to please a woman

there are lots of them about

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 20/07/2011 20:46

Can I say it AF??

Can I?

Get him a ticket.....

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