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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate my husband

132 replies

Rahsofedup · 17/07/2011 22:13

  • he has no energy
  • he has no drive
  • he tuts at everything
  • he very rarely helps out at home
  • he promises to do things which he never does and gets upset when I remind him
  • he never initiates or wants sex and is happy for me to sort him out
  • when we try to talk he turns away from me or walks out of the room
  • he does not offer support when it is desperately needed, instead turns it round to how it makes him feel ( when sometimes a third party desperately needs support)
  • he says all the issues in our relationship are my fault ( I had an affair 3 yrs ago because I was fed up if being treated like a propstitute, I know that's not an excuse)
  • he has been depressed for many years and yet refuses to get counselling
  • he has no friends and yet constantly criticises mine
  • he rarely sees his family
  • he's keen to say we don't have anything to talk about because we don't care about each other and yet I try many, many times and fail
  • he won't have sex with me so we won't have children ( that's been an issue for 11 yrs)
  • just venting because he says that our relationship souring is all my fault. I never realised when I met him (I was a child) our lives would turn out like this. So, so fed up.

Not really sure what I'm asking but comments would be welcomed- our relationship has not changed post affair - it has unfortunately remained exactly the same

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 17/07/2011 22:15

Leave?

Sorry to sound flippant, but it sounds like you're both miserable and can't see your way to doing anything to change it.

Is there anything stopping you from leaving? Apart from that the idea is a bit scary?

snoopdogg · 17/07/2011 22:17

ok, so now list the positives

old trick, two lists, see how they balance up

buzzsore · 17/07/2011 22:18

It doesn't sound like there's a lot holding you there. Do you want children? And just as importantly, do you want children with this man?

Truly, if you hate him - why not just go? You can make a new life for yourself.

Original poster
Rahsofedup · 17/07/2011 22:18

I try leaving often and he manipulates the situation so I stay. I try and leave and he cries. I try and leave and he walks out of his job. I try and leave and he suddenly has depression. I try and leave and he decides he'll try counselling ( which he never actually ended up going to). For some reason I almost need his permission to leave?! Mad- I know

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 17/07/2011 22:19

You are miserable in a childless, sexless relationship when you want children.

Why the fuck haven't you already left?

I don't get it. What on earth is keeping you there?

Are you still young enough to have children?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 17/07/2011 22:20

Walk out of the house and refuse to have any further contact with him.

He'll get the idea. And so will you.

lalalonglegs · 17/07/2011 22:21

Get some counselling yourself in order to make leaving possible. Can you really imagine spending the rest of your life with this man without feeling sick inside?

IslaValargeone · 17/07/2011 22:22

Can you leave when he isn't there?

buzzsore · 17/07/2011 22:22

If he always manages to talk or manipulate you round, but you really want to split, then you have to pack a bag and just go - and only communicate via third parties from then on. OK it's not the 'nice' way to go, but other ways aren't working.

nje3006 · 17/07/2011 22:23

Struggling to see why you are still there tbh when you don't have children...

Original poster
Rahsofedup · 17/07/2011 22:23

We were due to go on holiday recently and I asked my brother to join us for a few days ( after checking with dh he wouldn't mind and he said he wouldn't mind so long as we had a few days together first). The night before dh said he wouldnt go if my brother was going so I went to the airport on my own ( at 4 am in the morning), hired a car on my own, had to drive to the rural villa on my own, check in ..... It was actually a complete nightmare ( which I won't go into here) however he advised me that it was my fault. I clearly didn't understand him( despite asking and doing exactly what he told me to do). Just fed up with trying to read supposed symbols of what he is thinking but articulating. He thinks I should be a mind reader. He tells me I have no idea what he's going through and of course I don't if he won't tell me?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rahsofedup · 17/07/2011 22:26

I want to have children. I would love to have a family. That's all I ever wanted and assumed we would do it together. I would love to leave but from a practical perspective it's incredibly difficult ( I'm stil paying off debts accrued when he walked out of his job for 9 months when I last tried to leave)

OP posts:
LittleHousebytheRiver · 17/07/2011 22:26

So make a plan in the full knowledge that when you move out he will throw everything at you. Crying, depression, unemployment, suicide threats etc. they will all be his choices and not your responsibility.

You will need to cut off communication so he can't blackmail you or use your better nature to get you to relent. Give him an email address and get a friend or relative to look after your mobile phone while you get a new number.

You are WASTING your life on this manipulative man. He is abusing you and denying you the chance of a family. You must still be young if you were a child when you met hm. So act now while you are angry, make a plan and GO!! We will cheer you all the way. You deserve better and you know it.

Good luck and keep posting here for support.

Squitten · 17/07/2011 22:26

The only thing keeping you in this mess is you

IslaValargeone · 17/07/2011 22:29

Can you seek advice re the financial mess he's put you in, so that you can not be put further in debt if/when you leave.
You sound like you are in a position that you can do a bit of planning and arse covering before you flee. Then run, just run.

Original poster
Rahsofedup · 17/07/2011 22:30

Thank you little house. I guess i just feel guilty and as though in some way I have made him like this. Our problems have been going on for many, many years and theres always a reason for it.... I should just make an exit strategy and escape - I just don't know if I'd be able to follow through

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/07/2011 22:30

He is never going to let you leave, sorry you just need to back your bags and paperwork and go without discussing it with him.

JaceyBee · 17/07/2011 22:31

I know it's a cliche but really, you only get one life. Please don't waste it with a man you don't even seem to like, let alone love.

Just wondering though, what was the problem with catching a flight and hiring a car on your own? Is it that you've become quitye dependent on him for anything practical, you did say you were very young when you got together? If that is the case, don't let that keep you with him you will learn to cope with these things just fine.

RandomMess · 17/07/2011 22:32

If you want to have children and have a "normal" marriage then you have to leave otherwise you will spend the rest of your life with this guy.

LittleHousebytheRiver · 17/07/2011 22:37

Rah I am speaking with authority as I left my H after 28 years of feeling responsible and guilty. In the end I packed and left my three teenagers with him as it was the only way I could do it. But hey guess what, he has coped despite his fears, they have thrived and I am free at last!

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS CHOICES
Repeat as necessary!

Be strong!

turquoisetumble · 17/07/2011 22:38

A lot of people stay in horrible relationships because they genuinely believe (perhaps wrongly) that it's best for their kids. But you don't have any - in fact you're sacrificing your only chance of having them for a man who treats you like a whore.

So why are you there, sweetheart?

I think it's obvious to everyone but you that your husband's not the problem here.

That stuff with the holiday is just weird. Why did you do as he told you? Why didn't you tell him to go fuck himself? Have you always obeyed orders and towed the line?

Honestly, is this what you think life is about? It's only short, and you've already wasted so much of it on this guy. You might die next month, next year, we all might. Do you want to look back on your life and think about how you were his blow up doll? Why don't you think that your happiness matters?

I agree with buzzsore. Go and see a solicitor, initiate divorce proceedings and leave on the same day. No more contact.

If you can't bring yourself to do that, get some counselling. Pick up the phone and book it tomorrow. You have to somehow realise that you deserve better than this.

AnyFucker · 17/07/2011 22:39

I hate your husband too

Good luck and GodSpeed in leaving him for your new life x

buzzsore · 17/07/2011 22:39

You might want to talk to Women's Aid, actually - he sounds mentally abusive - withholding sex, always putting you in the wrong, always 'disappointed' by you, gas-lighting etc etc. Your list does suggest it.

I think, get some support, get an exit plan - don't feel deterred by previous attempts to leave - it takes many people many attempts to leave abusers. The debt repayments can always be re-arranged, especially if you can point to a change in circumstances. Don't let your life be wasted on this miserable relationship.

Original poster
Rahsofedup · 17/07/2011 22:39

I think the holiday was such a nightmare for silly things: he knew how to get to the airport ( I had no time to print out route planners ), he'd organised to park at a friends and drive in ( I had no idea where to park economically), I hate flying and would never fly on my own, the car hire was in his name so I had to pay again for ut in my name, I had no directions to the villa so it took me 7 hours to make a 1 hr journey, I have never driven in a foreign country ( wrong side of the road) and had several issues with this ( including several bumps). I ended up ( my fault for being so incompetent in a villa, in the middle if nowhere with no food or water for 2 days as I couldn't find the nearest open supermarke ( I have no sense of direction). I would never put myself in that position

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/07/2011 22:41

but he forced you into that situation

what does that say about him ?