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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate my husband

132 replies

Rahsofedup · 17/07/2011 22:13

  • he has no energy
  • he has no drive
  • he tuts at everything
  • he very rarely helps out at home
  • he promises to do things which he never does and gets upset when I remind him
  • he never initiates or wants sex and is happy for me to sort him out
  • when we try to talk he turns away from me or walks out of the room
  • he does not offer support when it is desperately needed, instead turns it round to how it makes him feel ( when sometimes a third party desperately needs support)
  • he says all the issues in our relationship are my fault ( I had an affair 3 yrs ago because I was fed up if being treated like a propstitute, I know that's not an excuse)
  • he has been depressed for many years and yet refuses to get counselling
  • he has no friends and yet constantly criticises mine
  • he rarely sees his family
  • he's keen to say we don't have anything to talk about because we don't care about each other and yet I try many, many times and fail
  • he won't have sex with me so we won't have children ( that's been an issue for 11 yrs)
  • just venting because he says that our relationship souring is all my fault. I never realised when I met him (I was a child) our lives would turn out like this. So, so fed up.

Not really sure what I'm asking but comments would be welcomed- our relationship has not changed post affair - it has unfortunately remained exactly the same

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 17/07/2011 22:56

You do all this for a man who won't have sex with you so that you can't have a child you so desperately want? Plus everything else you wrote in your OP.

turquoisetumble · 17/07/2011 22:57

Rah, I can tell how much compassion you have, that you are kind and sweet and caring. What you have to understand is that there are people out there who see those wonderful qualities as a way of manipulating people and getting what they want. He want change. You need to. I'm not saying become bitter and twisted, but just learn to value yourself and have as much compassion for your life as you do for everyone else's.

Could you bear to see a friend treated this way? Or a daughter? (You know the daughter you might have if you ditch this loser and find a guy that loves you and wants to have babies with you).

(p.s AF and SAF, can I join the "I hate your husband" club too?)

Original poster
Rahsofedup · 17/07/2011 22:57

I know the finances need sorting. I manage them and try and budget and he shouts that I'm controlling him. I don't care if I ever go on holiday and actually spent less on a wk in a 4 bed villa ( including car hire, rental and flights) then we would have spent on a week at home. Budgeting is not something he is capable of and as such I just go along with it. Counselling has to be paid in cash- most other things can be put on a credit card

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/07/2011 22:58

I dunno if you have posted before

if you have, I probably told you to fuck him off

if you ain't listening, you need to start

FellatioNelson · 17/07/2011 22:59

Frankly, given that you don't have children I really don't understand why you are still together. If you had an affair three years ago then that was the signal you both needed to set one another free then - but you didn't, and I don't know why. You clearly do not make one another happy, and haven't for a long time, and you clearly want children - with someone. Sooner rather than later. So why are you wasting time in this relationship?

DioneTheDiabolist · 17/07/2011 22:59

Rah, just go. Yes you have debts, but you can sort them out in the divorce. If you stay he will sap more of your strength and your money.

Will he get by without you? Yes.
Will he like it? No.
Will he moan and try to make you feel guilty everytime you and he have contact? Yes.
Is that your problem? No. No. And No again.

He is not your child. He is not your responsibility. However you should get some counselling as feelings are not really simple and you should work them through with a professional in order to be your own best friend, rather than everyone else's.

swallowedAfly · 17/07/2011 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker · 17/07/2011 23:00

< draws turquoise into the fold >

< invites rah too, if she'll have it >

IslaValargeone · 17/07/2011 23:01

I don't feel you are really listening to what is being said here tbh.

swallowedAfly · 17/07/2011 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

turquoisetumble · 17/07/2011 23:03

Rah - you haven't answered my question.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? Do you want to be 70 and look back at years together (all like this)?

Original poster
Rahsofedup · 17/07/2011 23:03

Thanks swallowed a fly for your bluntness! I'm assertive in all other areas of my life - it's just him. You're right though. I'm sure I could budget my finances if it was just me - I don't spend a lot of money

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 17/07/2011 23:04

Are the debts in your name, his name, or both? Is there any way to get them transferred to him if he accrued them by not working?

I'm not sure of the legals of it, someone else might be able to advise, but surely if you leave him, and then inform mortgage provider, banks, utilities etc that you have left, if he leaves his job again and can't pay up it's not your problem any more. Women's Aid or CAB should be able to advise you.

AnyFucker · 17/07/2011 23:04

why don't you leave him then ?

turquoisetumble · 17/07/2011 23:07

Rah needs join our club. She needs to become the Chair of the club. I want to see an angry, shouty Rah - pointy fingers in face, spitting with rage Rah.

Go on Rah, you know you want to.

Original poster
Rahsofedup · 17/07/2011 23:07

I definitely don't want to spend the rest of my life with him. I hate him with a passion. So how do I stay up here while he's sulking downstairs and not feel like I have to make it up to him?? That's where I need to be strong. Next door are arguing now so im sure he'll come up soon with the ' at least we're not as bad as them' and I'll feel so grateful for him giving me some attention. It is so ridiculous. I am desperate to leave him but have tried so, so many times and failed

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolate · 17/07/2011 23:08

If you really hate him then your marriage is over anyway and you may as well just go frankly.

You both sound depressed and that's not a good position to be making plans from. Why don't you just book yourself a few days holiday somewhere and go. Tell him you need some time out and just go. Don't give lots of notice, just go.

It'll give you both space to think.

But if your real problem is lack of children, you have a bigger decision to make because you're then looking for a new man AND a father for your children (unless you go to the sperm bank) and frankly it's hard enough finding a man who is single and sane, let alone one who is ready and willing to have children immediately.

Take some time out. You are not in a frame of mind to be thinking rationally if you are this upset and down about the marriage.

Helltotheno · 17/07/2011 23:10

Ho hum.... Good luck with the rest of your life hon..

turquoisetumble · 17/07/2011 23:11

This is why I keep going on about counselling. I think you need some help. For whatever reason you are 'grateful' for attention and guilty for 'causing hurt' and that's keeping you trapped and manipulated by him. It means your life is passing you by.

If you can't take control, find someone who can help you.

FreudianSlipper · 17/07/2011 23:12

get some support, get yourself some counselling and make plans to get out, you will never be happy with this man he will not let you be

of course living with someone like this has dragged you down and knocked the confidence from you, he is zapping your energy and your confidence, your money adn your security but you can stop him by taking control of your life, taking your life back from his control. you need support to help build it up again to move on, you can do it

Original poster
Rahsofedup · 17/07/2011 23:14

Thanks who moved- I think in many ways that's why I stay. I am in love with the illusion of the person I feel for - someone who appeared kind, loving, giving. It's just retrospectively I realise that perhaps it was just an illusion I fell for. Our relationship was built on his lies - I only found that out recently and it's almost no wonder the balance has become what it is. The one
Major issue is that he has no one else. No friends. No close family

OP posts:
ScarlettIsWalking · 17/07/2011 23:15

I remember your old posts. IIRC he has some quite disturbing sexual " needs" I'm Really sorry if this wasn't you but I'm pretty sure it is.
Everyone always tells you the same advice but you stay. What do you hope to gain from this?

Laquitar · 17/07/2011 23:16

Look, he is vicious. He doesn't punch you and kick you, not physically, but he is destroying you. And he knows what he does.

Trust me because i've been with this type of man and recognise him from miles. To say that i hate this type it will be an understatment.

Its been 12yrs and i'm still not over. I 've also been with a man who gave me black eyes and got over that quicker (mind you that one was fun to go out with and very good in bed).

Emotional abuse is so shit and you don't even realise it.

He is panishing you every day. You will understand how miserable he makes your life only after you live. Believe me.

Stop making excuses re money and leave

Original poster
Rahsofedup · 17/07/2011 23:17

I will try counselling again. I tried last time we has issues but then our finances changed and I couldn't afford to continue with them. They were really helpful. I am so sorted in other areas of my life - it really is just this. I just want him to be happy although, he's right I am so resentful of what our lives have become

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/07/2011 23:18

I don't know who you are, OP

it seems others realise your other threads

I believe them when they say you should not be with him

tbh, I am quite sick of namechangers coming back time and time again to find just one person who might say that you should give him another chance

is that what you are doing here ?