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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate my husband

132 replies

Rahsofedup · 17/07/2011 22:13

  • he has no energy
  • he has no drive
  • he tuts at everything
  • he very rarely helps out at home
  • he promises to do things which he never does and gets upset when I remind him
  • he never initiates or wants sex and is happy for me to sort him out
  • when we try to talk he turns away from me or walks out of the room
  • he does not offer support when it is desperately needed, instead turns it round to how it makes him feel ( when sometimes a third party desperately needs support)
  • he says all the issues in our relationship are my fault ( I had an affair 3 yrs ago because I was fed up if being treated like a propstitute, I know that's not an excuse)
  • he has been depressed for many years and yet refuses to get counselling
  • he has no friends and yet constantly criticises mine
  • he rarely sees his family
  • he's keen to say we don't have anything to talk about because we don't care about each other and yet I try many, many times and fail
  • he won't have sex with me so we won't have children ( that's been an issue for 11 yrs)
  • just venting because he says that our relationship souring is all my fault. I never realised when I met him (I was a child) our lives would turn out like this. So, so fed up.

Not really sure what I'm asking but comments would be welcomed- our relationship has not changed post affair - it has unfortunately remained exactly the same

OP posts:
IQuiteLikeVodka · 18/07/2011 21:44

(sorry to interrupt)
freudianslipper Your first post just lit a great big lightbulb for me.

Original poster
Rahsofedup · 18/07/2011 21:44

Thank you all for your support. I checked out the link and my dh isn't quite as bad! There is loads of good advise on that thread so thank you for the link.

Just a quick update- I have decided to end the marriage and he's already moved out. Feeling shattered but actually quite peaceful.

I'm packing up the rest of his stuff which is quite cathartic so looking forward to the future. Thank you again - youre all right, you only get one life and you can't live it trying to make someone else happy

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 18/07/2011 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AbbyAbsinthe · 18/07/2011 21:53

From last night until this morning? Blimey. Are you alright?

AnyFucker · 18/07/2011 21:53

well, I think it's the right decision but this is all very quick

are you ok ?

cheapskatemum · 18/07/2011 21:54

I'm sorry, but YOU'RE packing his stuff? WTF?

Also wanted to post about counselling, because earlier on the thread you said you hand to pay for it up front in cash, or somesuch. I have always been able to access counselling free from NHS. Go to your GP for a referral.

Original poster
Rahsofedup · 18/07/2011 21:59

I think its been a long time coming tbh. I've wanted to do it for years and just got the confidence to do it. I want everything packed ready for him to collect so he can come when I'm not here and grab it. I will speak to my doctor to find out more about free counselling - that sounds like a fantastic idea as I think I need to fix my head before any future relationships.

Just got to the stage where I actually couldn't bear the sound of him breathing - made me feel nauseous. I'm sure he'll make someone else a lovely partner in future, I'm just so glad it won't be me!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/07/2011 22:00

the straw that broke the camel's back ?

good for you, rah

madonnawhore · 18/07/2011 22:02

Well done Rah! Your new life is going to be so exciting.

swallowedAfly · 18/07/2011 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Rahsofedup · 18/07/2011 22:07

I am excited and so chilled, relaxed, no need for drinking or over eating to compensate for utter misery. Freedom and a future sounds absolutely perfect.

I feel like I've made myself into something I'm really not for so many years. Reading through the cards we used to send each other - I actually can't believe I'm the one writing some of the cards although even then the writing was on the wall ( apologies in cards for my behaviour but me trying to explaining he'd mis- understood me, notes saying I loved him even though he has his little moodies!)

Shattered and I keep crying but incredibly relieved it's over

OP posts:
Original poster
Rahsofedup · 18/07/2011 22:11

He was completely resistant to leaving and always does the guilt trip. He tried today ( decided he needed a bath when he came to get his stuff) but I went to a friends house. Tbh we had a really massive row and where as I usually always end up pacifying him I just ignored him - if only I'd realised before how easy it can be- I normally end up feeling so guilty that I talk to him or give him a hug and all is forgotten.

I still can't quite believe he's gone so easily but I'm going to stay with a friend for the next few weeks to ensure there is no chance of a reconciliation

OP posts:
cheapskatemum · 18/07/2011 22:15

Good luck with it all, Rah. Word of warning - don't let the GP fob you off with anti depressants.

Original poster
Rahsofedup · 18/07/2011 22:19

Thanks chewpskate - they have tried that several times previously and prescribed a variety of anti depressants I have never taken ( there is no way I suffer from depression having seen real clinical depression)

OP posts:
Snorbs · 18/07/2011 22:24

Good luck Rah. You're going to be very up and down for a while yet. Over time, though, the up times will get longer and more frequent, and the down times less serious and over sooner. Look after yourself.

Most importantly, limit your communication with your ex as much as possible. You don't owe him explanations or justifications. He'll just use them as weapons against you. You are not responsible for his choices and actions. He is a grown-up. Whatever he chooses to do is entirely down to him.

Despite years of trying you have not been able to make him happy. That's not a failing of yours, it's more that only he can allow himself to be happy and - for whatever reason - he prefers to be how he is. Whatever is broken within him is well outside your ability to fix. Leave him behind and concentrate on making yourself happy. Just like he is responsible for himself, you are responsible for you.

This ain't a dress rehearsal kiddo, this is the only life you'll ever get. Don't waste it on miserable arseholes.

AnyFucker · 18/07/2011 22:27

Don't waste it on miserable arseholes.

should be QOTW Smile

FabbyChic · 18/07/2011 22:36

Seriously? Leave this man when he is at work. Find yourself somewhere else to live and don't tell him anything.

If he harasses you at work get an injunction.

You will never be happy, you will reach 50 and think what the fuck have I done with my life, why the fuck did I ever stay with him.

Life is to short to be unhappy.

You can't ever go backwards.

Get strong, be tough - move out.

The debts in his name he pays, you pay the debts in your name.

Move out see a solicitor and force a house sale.

DO IT. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

FabbyChic · 18/07/2011 22:37

Ooops should have read your posts first!

Hope it all works out for you. x

Laquitar · 18/07/2011 23:05

Wow! I am glad you did it!

It might feel a bit strange when you go back home and even sad at times, it always feels odd to be on your own after living with someone even if he was the biggest bastard in the world. But after that oh it will be so great to have a new life!

Good advice there from Snorbs

springydaffs · 18/07/2011 23:06

gawd, your OP and successive posts made me feel sick Rah, literally nauseous.

What I can't help noticing is that you use phrases like 'fed up' and 'his little moodies' (little?????) about some really serious stuff. What you are describing is hell on earth. You weren't even connected to him by children yet somehow he had you on the end of a string.

I have a friend who is about to leave her abusive partner who has OCD (Hmm). It is very likely he will try to kill himself if she leaves - or at least that is what he has hung over her for 15 years. they do have children (who beg her to leave him). Their life was very similar to the one you are describing. You were in an abusive relationship Rah. If he hit you you would've known it but his abuse was silent and deadly.

Anyway, this is what stood out for me: you said you wouldn't move because there are people who need me more here. Need? Is that what relationships are about? There can be an element of being needed but that isn't the main thrust of a relationship, any relationship - or, if it is, it is a distorted relationship. You seem fatally attracted to being needed Rah. You know you have to get that sorted out, yes? Google codependency, as someone suggested. Go to their support groups - CODA. Read their blurb - you may find yourself there.

If you're thinking that no-one understands the special bond you had/the special care you can give someone who is pathetic needy, think on.

I'm very glad you have left. I hope you get some counselling, where you can learn that appalling scenarios like the one you have described don't ellicit a 'fed-up' response; and that sickening emotional/mental manipulation and abuse is not called 'having little moodies'.

Enrol on the Freedom Programme - one near you.

kipperandtiger · 18/07/2011 23:29

Great to hear you've taken the step to freedom, OP! To be honest, when I read your list, so many things were red flags that I was going to urge you to go BEFORE you actually got pregnant and children were involved in the sad mes. Hope you find that happy family you long for, and best of luck! I think you'll enjoy being free of all the stress that you won't need much to make you feel great.

Pigglesworth · 19/07/2011 09:18

It is wonderful that you have summoned the courage to leave, I hope you can sustain that courage in remaining away from this man. This man is NOT ever going to make you happy. If you need help/ support in staying away from him please feel free to post here. I think it's great that you're feeling so good but I also feel worried for you and I feel like this was all a very fast turnaround from when you initially posted. I suppose at a certain point you realise how many years you've spent in a bad situation, and how it's never going to change - the only way to change your circumstances is to leave him for good.

Original poster
Rahsofedup · 20/07/2011 06:16

Just a quick update- thank you to everyone for your support. I got a text from him yesterday asking if he could pop back for a shower. I asked where he was staying and didn't they have a shower and he texted back that there was no shower at work and that he'd have a quick shower and be on his way. Needless to say he's slept on the sofa. Why hasn't he moved in with family or to a b and b- feel like he's just been playing me. He also mentioned that he found a website offering intensive counselling courses. I don't want to talk to him. Is it unreasonable to send a text saying he needs to find a b and b and look for a house of his own?

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolate · 20/07/2011 06:23

He doesn't believe you are serious. Tell him to get out and stay out. Say it's over calmly and you don't want to live with him, repeat (you may have to repeat it a lot. Just stay calm and keep saying it.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/07/2011 08:30

Change the locks and do not let him in the house again. I'm afraid you are actually in some danger here: there was another poster who got rid of her unpleasant partner and that man behaved in a similar way - coming into the house and taking baths etc. It's like an animal pissing on its territory. Anyway, the man in the other thread subsequently attacked the poster.
Insisting on taking a shower in your home is abnormal, threatening behaviour.