I hate my husband

[Rahsofedup]

• he has no energy
• he has no drive
• he tuts at everything
• he very rarely helps out at home
• he promises to do things which he never does and gets upset when I remind him
• he never initiates or wants sex and is happy for me to sort him out
• when we try to talk he turns away from me or walks out of the room
• he does not offer support when it is desperately needed, instead turns it round to how it makes him feel ( when sometimes a third party desperately needs support)
• he says all the issues in our relationship are my fault ( I had an affair 3 yrs ago because I was fed up if being treated like a propstitute, I know that's not an excuse)
• he has been depressed for many years and yet refuses to get counselling
• he has no friends and yet constantly criticises mine
• he rarely sees his family
• he's keen to say we don't have anything to talk about because we don't care about each other and yet I try many, many times and fail
• he won't have sex with me so we won't have children ( that's been an issue for 11 yrs)
• just venting because he says that our relationship souring is all my fault. I never realised when I met him (I was a child) our lives would turn out like this. So, so fed up.

Not really sure what I'm asking but comments would be welcomed- our relationship has not changed post affair - it has unfortunately remained exactly the same

Totally typical behaviour, re: the shower request. He is showing you that he doesn't respect you, doesn't respect your limits. That if you are splitting, it will be on his terms and that you are still not allowed to act as an independent person from him.

Don't allow it.

I had the same thing from my (v abusive) stbxh: after telling him in front of a witness (our couple's counsellor) that it was over, I wanted a divorce, I never wanted to hear from him again and that I was now physically afraid of him (listing his threats against me and physical violence), in the next days he still "announced" that he was coming round to mine to do his laundry, and then got pissy when I said no, like I was being unreasonable.

These men are loooooooons. Loons who cannot understand their own personal responsibility, and other people's limits. Be firm in setting your own; you're speaking to someone who is deaf to other people's concerns.

Even if he isn't dangerous, he is testing your resolve. If you don't want to talk to him, don't and don't let him in again. If he hasn't got a shower, then it's up to him to find a place that does have one.

sorry but as i see it you have 2 options

1. leave and start a better life
2. put up and shut up

Obviously i'd go with 1. You'll never change him, it will never get better (its been 11yrs right?) and i'm sure if he met someone else he'd have no problems leaving you. I think you need to stop treating him like your child (ie you being responsible for him) and start treating yourself with respect. Sorry to be so blunt but there's no tiptoeing around this

It is unreasonable to send a text suggesting he go to a B&B or to stay with family. He's a big boy. He can find places to stay if he really wants. He can find places to have a shower if he wants.

It is not unreasonable for you to send him a text saying that he is no longer welcome in your home and telling him when/where he can collect his possessions.

Don't make his problems into your problems. Your problem is to get him out of your home for good. His problem is what to do after that and where to go.

As others here have said, he is pushing your boundaries to see if you really mean it this time or not. After all, you've said yourself that you've kicked him out in the past but always let him back in. He's sitting there thinking that all he has to do is make some empty promises about counselling etc and you'll take him back. It is in your hands to decide whether his expectations and sense of entitlement comes true or not.

A final word - just because he sends you a text message or tries to call you, you are not obliged to respond. I've said this on MN before but it's true - when I was splitting up from my ex I stuck a post-it note by the phone reminding me "Is there anything you could be doing that is more fun than having this conversation?" As any and all conversations with my ex at the time ended up with me feeling stressed out, it helped me to remember that I was having those conversations by choice and I could, instead, simply choose not to.

snorbs, that simple fact really does seem to pass us by when we are in the middle of being head fucked

but it is so true

just say no

disengage completely, any headspace you give to where he might get a shower is point-scoring for him

My heart goes out to you , you poor girl
get help and leave as soon as
Possible , mn needs to get a refuge
for girls like this to escape to.