Is he trying to change me? Or am I being stupid and oversensitive?

[Rubiesandrainbows]

Im in a very good strong relationship and its been going for a year and we are talking about moving into together. I have a child from a previous relationship and he is great with him, no problems there.

The thing is, I think he is looking for the perfect girlfriend, I get on well with his friends and they agree this is the case, but say they all want "the perfect girlfriend" really (strangely, for me perfection = boring. I dont want to be perfect, it would be a life of dissapointment)

Anyway, over our time he obviously tells me what he likes and doesnt etc and the same vice versa as happens in all relationships. But lately, he's making comments on my choices like clothes, hair and makeup. He doesnt say he wants me to change anything but it seems like he does. My style is pretty sassy and fashionable, and i dont care too much about what others think, just go with my style.

A few weeks ago he mentioned hed likes longish french manicured fingernails and I always have short square nails in dark red, black, paradoxal etc. Anyway, yesterday I went to the nail salon and had the gel nails put on with the french manicure and when I got home I saw myself in the mirror with these nails and thought "my god, im changing into someone else" and I cried and told my partner I wanted some space.

Whats wrong with me? They;re just nails fgs. I feel like im being childish....but its really rocked my deep roots of our relationship. I feel like im just never going to be what he wants and I'm thinking about ending it.

Am I being oversensitive and reading too much into this? Help!

Stooping to his level is all well and good to boost yourself temporarily

It's not a good lifestyle choice though, is it ?

You got a good chuckle out of it, Rubie, and it's a great way of proving to yourself what he's like.

FGS don't make it a long-term game, though, eh?

... I've rarely hoped so fervently that someone will find a really great shag on a hen weekend! With protection, mind you ...

Hi guys, yes i do know that point scoring is not how it should be... and its not something I endorse in a good relationship.

Just to let you know that he sent me a text about an hour ago admitting he had tried to change me....said the comments re my appearance were just that - telling me what he liked etc - but he did admit that he has been trying "curb my wild side" and "trying to stop me being selfish"

I told him recently that I'd arranged my brother to do some babysitting for me next month so I can catch up with my friends, to which he asked a zillion questions about this babysitting arrangement and then said I shouldnt be spending that money on a night out when I was supposed to be saving for our christmas break we are talking about taking. I replied that the money was already saved and he wanted a) a detailed explanation of how I had saved the money - did he not believe me? and then b) said oh well even if you have, I want you to save some more!

are you still with him ?

Listen to what he is telling you. He wants you to think that there is something wrong with you and that he knows just how to 'fix' you. If only you would listen, your life would be so much better under his control.

Don't be fooled though, you will never meet up to what he wants.

anyfucker I am taking the weekend to think things thru still - set off for ibiza 4am (I need to get to bed!) and then back monday.

Strangely enough now I am aware of more, he is so visably shaken when I see him and he knows my demeaner has changed, he has bought me lots of presents!

of course he has brought you presents

he has sensed you have had a lightbulb moment

are the presents going to influence you in any way ?

"trying to stop me being selfish"

FFS just dump him already!

You have a child? You should not allow a toxic headfuck like this near your family.

I am (stupidly?) thinking that now this is "out in the open" that we can work through it......

No the presents make no difference, but it has amused me to a point!

rubies, there is nothing more disconcerting than when they go into 'Oh shit I'm rumbled' mode. They panic. Try to get yourself into a detached spectator viewpoint of what is about to unfold around you.

Ignore/refuse the presents, be non-committal about the break away (you can't go BTW!) and just watch what happens.

We'll be here the whole time, don't let him break you back down under his french manicured, gel-tipped thumb.

I'm not going to call you stupid, nor allow you to call yourself stupid.

However, it being out in the open will make not a jot of improvement to how he will view you. if anything it could make him worse!

Once you have realised what the deal is, and that it's a controlling and abusive relationship, the relationship is doomed. He is going to forever try to control you, because he took that right, and you are going to baulk at his trying to manipulate you, resent him for banning you from x, y or z.

Take the fast-track path to freedom, stick to your guns and get as much distance between you and him as you can. You have DC? even more need for urgency in this matter.

Why would you want to work through something as major as abusive, controlling tendencies with a bloke you have no ties to?

There is nothing keeping you here. Just walk away.

I think because we;ve been together a year I'm rather cross that ive wasted that time with him, and im of the mindset that we can beat this and get through it. I know, I know....even seeing it written down on here I'm thinking wft?!!!

Oh no, not the "investment" school of thinking about relationships :o

If the last year was "a waste" if things don't work out, then putting even more time into this is even more wasteful.

Don't throw good time after bad!

You don't make a worthwhile investment by putting more money into something that is losing money.

If it's not right after 3m, 6m or even a year, it's not going to ever be right.

Investment is the bullshit line we are fed/told to take in order to perpetuate a dead duck relationship.

HE'S not invested in YOU! He's trying to change and manipulate you into a version he thinks he would find agreeable, but we all know when he's changed one little thing, it'll be another.

Relationships are not meant to be this hard.

How can I put this?

You CAN'T beat this. He believes he is entitled to change/mould/make demands of you. He doesn't respect you, he has contempt for YOUR opinions, choices, preferences. He will never give those rights up! Why would he?

I spent 10 years in a shitty relationship. Three years I spent trying every way I knew to communicate that his treatment of me, his behaviour toward me and his expectations were making me miserable. I felt that if I could only explain it properly to him, he'd see what he was doing and stop.

Long story short, I lost 3 years of my life I'll never get back, I might as well have attempted to herd cats for all the good it did me.

" we can beat this"

really, no

his issues are not your problem

In investment terms, if this bloke was a property, he'd be a Moneypit. He'd be on Homes from Hell....

yes AF is right.

Staying with him will never ever give him any incentive to 'beat this' either.

The slimmest of chances for him to smarten up his act would only be kicked off by you leaving him, him realising what he's done and genuinely making massive changes in his personality (unlikely, but theoretically possible), over a LONG period of time to prove to you it's not a ploy.

If you don't leave, where is the reason for his epiphany?

I know you're not reading this, Rubie. I REALLY hope that, by the time you catch up on your thread, you've had a glorious night of sun-soaked debauchery with somebody nice AND had some stern sense talked into you by your fellow hens!

he did admit that he has been trying "curb my wild side" and "trying to stop me being selfish"
That's clever. See, if you afford any space in your life to him now, you've accepted some terms - that you are selfish and he has the right to curb you. He's already started, hasn't he, with the Christmas money thing. You're selfish to spend your savings with your friends instead of him, and you must be curbed in order to save more.

He's not entitled to tell you what to do with your money. What does your brother think of him?

Hope you didn't get sunburned :)

It's the psychology of sunk cost. You've already sunk a load of commitment into this relationship, and in order to justify that you will sink a load more. Then you'll have to justify that, so you'll chuck in some more, and so on forever.

People do it all the time. The thing about sunk cost is to recognise when you are wasting what you've already put in, and NOT PUTTING IN ANY MORE.

You can also say that it wasn't a complete waste, because you have learnt something and had an experience which will help you to recognise when not to do it again. If you're already thinking that you've wasted a year on him, then I think you need to ensure you don't waste any more time on him. Don't put in any more.

"his best friend told me he likes me in flats so I dont get as much male attention when out...] and on one side he's always said he likes being with someone who attracts attention, thats obviously how he was attracted to me but now its like he almost wants to tone me down.....i dont know....maybe I am miles off. "

This is wrong wrong wrong! You can't change a man who thinks like this. Decent people don't think like this in the first place. Have you ever thought "he looks too nice in that top, I wish he would wear something plain so women don't look at him?" Of course not. Jealous, controlling men like him don't change.

Please don't worry about "wasting" a year. You liked him, and wanted a relationship with him so you had to give it a go, otherwise you'd always be wondering what if?!

But now you know what he's really like, any more time with him really is wasted time. Please get away from him, this man is dangerous for you, he will slowly chip away at your self esteem, run away run away!

You should like a lovely person, you deserve much, much better than this.

Oops I meant you sound like a lovely person!

Nononono! THis man is a total knob who thinks women are inferior to men and that every woman really needs a man to take control of her. Tell him to fuck off and never come back.

I agree the Christmas money thing is extremely dodgy. He is trying to use it as a way to control you while trying to make out he's only got your interests at heart - he just wants you to have a nice christmas right? Wrong, he wants to have a say in how you spend your money, who you see and what you do.

That's not healthy in the slightest.

Rubie - you have to let go of your ego and accept that you are not going to be able to save him from himself. No matter how well you are able to identify and call him on his behaviour, men like him will not be changed.

Very occasionally, if a man is able to accept his behaviour is abusive, and want to change, and engages fully with professional therapy, he may be able to change. They never change for the love of a good woman.

Let this one go, and allow yourself to feel angry that he has 'wasted' your energy and time.