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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he trying to change me? Or am I being stupid and oversensitive?

206 replies

Rubiesandrainbows · 17/07/2011 14:26

Im in a very good strong relationship and its been going for a year and we are talking about moving into together. I have a child from a previous relationship and he is great with him, no problems there.

The thing is, I think he is looking for the perfect girlfriend, I get on well with his friends and they agree this is the case, but say they all want "the perfect girlfriend" really (strangely, for me perfection = boring. I dont want to be perfect, it would be a life of dissapointment)

Anyway, over our time he obviously tells me what he likes and doesnt etc and the same vice versa as happens in all relationships. But lately, he's making comments on my choices like clothes, hair and makeup. He doesnt say he wants me to change anything but it seems like he does. My style is pretty sassy and fashionable, and i dont care too much about what others think, just go with my style.

A few weeks ago he mentioned hed likes longish french manicured fingernails and I always have short square nails in dark red, black, paradoxal etc. Anyway, yesterday I went to the nail salon and had the gel nails put on with the french manicure and when I got home I saw myself in the mirror with these nails and thought "my god, im changing into someone else" and I cried and told my partner I wanted some space.

Whats wrong with me? They;re just nails fgs. I feel like im being childish....but its really rocked my deep roots of our relationship. I feel like im just never going to be what he wants and I'm thinking about ending it.

Am I being oversensitive and reading too much into this? Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubiesandrainbows · 17/07/2011 17:03

kayzr my nails are always immaculate but just short and dark. At the start he used to tell me how much he loved my fashionable nails and now he's asking for something opposite...... Hmm I guess I'm just wondering if im just overreacting and do exactly that just say "urgh hideous" and dont do it again, or whether this is indicative of things to come.....

OP posts:
HansieMom · 17/07/2011 17:05

He 'is confidant you could fulfill these...... high expectations', why should you? He can take care of himself but has no right to mold you.

madonnawhore · 17/07/2011 17:23

What is this fixation with trying to please him? Is he a paragon of perfection?

Why are you so focussed on what you can do for him, but not what he's giving you back?

What do you get out of this relationship OP, other than feeling like you're not good enough?

PhilipJFry · 17/07/2011 17:36

"He said he did have high expectations of me but he was condifant I could fulfil these, and he said he does this because he wants me to be happy."

I'm not entirely sure why, but this made me cringe.

Meeting his high expectations will not necessarily make you happy.

Original poster
Rubiesandrainbows · 17/07/2011 17:42

madannawhore I know exactly what you are saying. I guess in his defence and apart from this whole thing I'm talking about on here he is a great boyfriend. We like the same things, get on with each others friends, he's very attractive, same intellectual wavelength, amazing sex etc etc.

But yeah I dont feel good enough most of the time.

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 17/07/2011 17:49

"He said he did have high expectations of me but he was condifant I could fulfil these"

When a man says this to you, you leave. Immediately. Without a second thought.

Ick ick ick.

I still think men who have preferences for how their women have their nails done are pretty yucky.

buzzsore · 17/07/2011 18:09

I don't like what he wrote to you there at all. He sounds like a school teacher or a boss, not a lover.

IWantWine · 17/07/2011 18:26

What Buzzsore said, firstly!

It isnt right, it isnt healthy.

I have spent all my life with a man like this.... it slowly, very slowly got me to the point where I couldnt go the hairdressers, because when I did never ever ever got a remark, well, yes I did, rarely, and it wasnt a positive one! A visit to the hairdressers is still traumatic! and hey that sounds crazy, but it is true, however, I have still retained my sense of humour and I am getting over it! But please... you are feeling unsettled and upset, listen to those feelings, they are there for a reason.

And it wasnt just about going to the hairdressers.. it was about anything that I wanted to do for myself! especially if it cost money!!! Even though I worked and I worked damned hard!

If I were you I would go out and do exactly the opposite of what he suggests and then... see what happens!!! If you dont like the response you know what to do.

TotalChaos · 17/07/2011 18:55

Another one really not liking the "high expectations/all for your own good" line of thought. Suspect the ladies seeing potential emotional abuse may be right.

lazarusb · 17/07/2011 19:05

Oooh....big flaming red flag ahoy there! He wants you to fulfil his expectations?
What he really wants is control. How you look is the first step. He's already got you questioning yourself and your identity. Stop trying to be his perfect girlfriend and become his ex-girlfriend. This will only get worse.

Please - get out now.

tb · 17/07/2011 19:50

"He said he did have high expectations of me but he was condifant I could fulfil these" - what about your expectations of him?

"he said he does this because he wants me to be happy." You were happy when you met, but doing your nails 'his way' has made you unhappy.

"But thats the thing, I am happy with myself as I am" Then stay that way, if he doesn't like it, he can lump it

On balance - run for the hills - and I don't often say that.

AnyFucker · 17/07/2011 20:01

I can honestly say no bloke I have ever been with has taken any notice of what I do with my nails

so, to have one, who makes "suggestions" in this slightly creepy way, would make my alarm bells go into overdrive too

he might belatedly say "oh yeah, they look nice, love" if I point out summat I had done

but would never try and control what I did with them

what possible interest does a bloke have in his gf's nails, ffs

I think you should see this flag as a red one, and tell him to stuff his "expectations" up his arse

beatenbyayellowteacup · 17/07/2011 20:32

"He's confident you can meet them".

Patronising arse. No. He has no consideration for your feelings here, it's about him controlling you and making you what he wants, rather than what he wants. No.

beatenbyayellowteacup · 17/07/2011 20:32

sorry, what you want.

HerHissyness · 17/07/2011 20:43

He said he did have high expectations of me but he was condifant I could fulfil these

WTF? confident that you can FULFILL HIS HIGH EXPECTATIONS? Most normal people are happy with their partners as they ARE! RED FLAG

and he said he does this because he wants me to be happy. But thats the thing, I am happy with myself as I am......

Yup, controlling men ALWAYS say it's out of concern/care/love for you. They know if they TELL you to do it, you will rightly resist and baulk at their unreasonable requests. The gentle suggestions are exactly designed to get YOU to think it was YOUR idea that they get what THEY WANT YOU TO DO FOR THEM. RED FLAG

he then goes on to say he wants me or who I am. I'm very confused! He wants to come around right now and discuss it, I told him I need more time.

Here, a normal person would realise that they have offended you, would apologise and respect your need for space. He is not respecting your request for time to think, time to sort yourself out. He intends to bamboozle you, to uber charm you into bed so you are back in line. RED FLAG

This guy is a nasty controlling bully. Your instincts have been pricked, understand that there IS no negotiation with this guys, it only ever gets worse and he will go to more and more extreme lengths to control your every move, thought and deed.

Get the nail tips taken off, file em short and paint em rouge-fecking-noir and as soon as they are dry delete his number from your phone and don't let him near you again.

BibiBlocksberg · 17/07/2011 20:45

Just posted a lengthy reply but the site decides to log me out after a certain amount of time.

Op - I spent a decade with a man who criticised me from the beginning.

Remember being very angry thinking 'how dare you try to change me' and then justifying his behaviour.

Trust your instincts now and don't let him diminish you in any way!!!!

HerHissyness · 17/07/2011 20:49

Meant to say OP, I know you think it's just nails, it's no biggie, really, wtf am I doing making a fuss out of nails...

This is exactly what he'd say. this is exactly how it starts. They start on tiny stuff that slips under your radar. You already said your confidence is less than it was.... that is no coincidence.

Decent relationships help you feel stronger, not weaker! think about it!

Some here will know, but after 10 years of living with an abusive controlling man, the smallest thing he did to me was actually the saddest. He killed a plant I bought myself, one I'd always wanted as a child. It was the knowledge that if I said, you killed my plant, why? he'd have probably denied it, or even if I did manage to get him to own up to it, he'd just end up laughing at me, It's only a plant FFS, why are you making such a fuss. I wanted to cry about it, really I did, because it was so small, so petty, but it was that insignificance of the actual event that hurt the most.

The fact that these men descend to such minutiae just to control, hurt and manipulate really is the saddest thing in the world.

Open your eyes, see what you are dealing with here, it's not pretty.

BibiBlocksberg · 17/07/2011 21:02

I'm with Hissy OP - seemingly small things with me too, the amount of make-up i was wearing (hardly any as it was but he wanted none) critizing clothes i was wearing, telling me I couldn't wear cardigans etc.

Each one by themselves easily explained away but combined and multiplied over the years = not being or feeling like myself at all.

AnyFucker · 17/07/2011 21:26

hissy, I want to know, now, how your VFT is doing

Original poster
Rubiesandrainbows · 17/07/2011 22:01

posters firstly thankyou for replying.....and thinking about it there has been a few other things (I like my hair big and he likes it smooth - he says its to he can his fingers through it when he kisses me but now I'm not top sure....) and he had a problem with a few friends of mine who arnt my friends anymore.....
but even saying all that I really like him, we have such a good time and a good laugh.....Confused

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 17/07/2011 22:07

You've ditched friends for this controlling arse?

Why?

Never, never, never isolate yourself from people who care about you for a bloke.

NEVER.

Ring up those friends forthwith. You can have a laugh with them and do your nails and your hair however you like it. And live up to your own high expectations.

madonnawhore · 17/07/2011 22:10

The good bits are to keep you questioning yourself. If he was a shit 100% of the time, leaving him would be a no-brainer.

But what happens is he pushes the boundaries and pushes the boundaries and you feel uncomfortable, so as soon as you look like you're starting to squirm, he turns on the charm to 'reward' you for doing what he wants.

Then next time he pushes your boundaries a little bit further... And so it goes on.

beatenbyayellowteacup · 17/07/2011 22:14

Of course you have a good laugh because otherwise you wouldn't be there at all.

But this doesn't take away his underlying controlling behaviour.

michglas · 17/07/2011 22:17

Tell him to go down the gym 3 or 4 times a week and get a penis extension, then he might be on the path to becoming the perfect man :o or tell him if he wants the perfect woman, he should go back to his mother.

nje3006 · 17/07/2011 22:22

BBAYB is right, he needs to keep you hooked with something otherwise you'd be out the door. So he keeps you hooked in with those good laugh times...

BIG RED FLAGS...
you feel sick about the change you made
you feel less confident since you've been with him
he didn't like some of your friends and you are no longer friends with them
he has high expectations of you and believes you can live up to them (?!!)
he would like you to do your hair differently.

Way too many red flags to discount here. The big ones are how you FEEL...