Is he trying to change me? Or am I being stupid and oversensitive?

[Rubiesandrainbows]

Im in a very good strong relationship and its been going for a year and we are talking about moving into together. I have a child from a previous relationship and he is great with him, no problems there.

The thing is, I think he is looking for the perfect girlfriend, I get on well with his friends and they agree this is the case, but say they all want "the perfect girlfriend" really (strangely, for me perfection = boring. I dont want to be perfect, it would be a life of dissapointment)

Anyway, over our time he obviously tells me what he likes and doesnt etc and the same vice versa as happens in all relationships. But lately, he's making comments on my choices like clothes, hair and makeup. He doesnt say he wants me to change anything but it seems like he does. My style is pretty sassy and fashionable, and i dont care too much about what others think, just go with my style.

A few weeks ago he mentioned hed likes longish french manicured fingernails and I always have short square nails in dark red, black, paradoxal etc. Anyway, yesterday I went to the nail salon and had the gel nails put on with the french manicure and when I got home I saw myself in the mirror with these nails and thought "my god, im changing into someone else" and I cried and told my partner I wanted some space.

Whats wrong with me? They;re just nails fgs. I feel like im being childish....but its really rocked my deep roots of our relationship. I feel like im just never going to be what he wants and I'm thinking about ending it.

Am I being oversensitive and reading too much into this? Help!

For me, the main one is that you feel less confident now than you did before. That's a whole big reason in itself to get out.

Sorry.

Yes, a good relationship should buoy you up not undercut your confidence.

The other posters who suggest this is the beginning of emotional abuse are correct. And there are a lot of us who have been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.

He is already diminishing your confidence and character. You are already modifying yourself so as to live up to his ''high expectations'' of you. It is nails now, but it will get bigger and bigger.

You know yourself the dynamic in this relationship isn't right. Would you treat him the way he treats you? If not, then there is a massive power imbalance (which by the way is what an abusive relationship is). He is controlling and oppressive. Don't move in with him, you will become a miserable shell of yourself, wondering why the hell you didn't dump him now.

I'm interested in what the "perfect girlfriend" constitutes for him. So far I'm getting a l'Oreal hair ad - smooth hair, expensively manicured nails - what other "high expectations" does he have that he has judged you competent enough to fulfil?

Am I paranoid? Did nobody else see the threat here?

He said he did have high expectations of me but he was confident I could fulfil these - I will advise you of all my expectations in due course. You will fulfil them as required.

he said he does this because he wants me to be happy. - If you fail to fulfil my expectations as required, I will make you unhappy.

What else could it mean? He doesn't think OP is such a nonentity that she doesn't know how to be happy - she was happy before she met him, she's her own woman, etc. He's not promising happiness if she meets his requirements, he's threatening unhappiness if she doesn't.

He's telling you the score, Rubie. Listen good.

Sorry, this is giving me the chills. It's rare to get a direct quote from someone right at the start of the abusive 'training' process. Forgive a little more parsing, please.

[1] When he says he wants you to be happy, what's the implication? That you are currently unhappy. This is beginning to be true, isn't it? He takes a happy, confident woman and skilfully undermines her just enough. Just enough that she feels a little edginess, starts wondering how to get her happiness back.
(He will, of course, advise you.)

[2] "I want you be happy" is the refrain of abusers the world over. While we're in love, and/or under the thumb, it sounds like a wish for our happiness, doesn't it? How sweet! It's not a wish, it's an instruction. "I expect my girlfriend to be happy." One of his expectations.

See whether he wants to make you happy, support your innate happiness or encourage you to do what makes you happy (like spend time with your friends). Or ... does he just want you to "be" happy, like a laughing doll??

God, GB, I think you've hit the nail on the head.

When I first read the thread, I thought it was just about nails and that OP was overreacting, you know, maybe he really hates short dark nails due to a horrible childhood nail varnish incident - but then that 'high expectations' creepy stuff, and the changing hair and the not liking your friends and the fact that you feeling less confident rather than more with this ever so perfect boyfriend.

If you look up at the sky, I'm sure you'll see something crimson swishing about in the breeze.

I think you're dating my ex! He and his friends thought they had the right to a superhot girlfriend who dressed just as they liked, did nothing to embarrass / shame them and did let them feel like 'the man'. Once my eyes started opening to his behaviour and how it made me feel it took a startlingly short time to realise I wanted out.

I could list several stories which happened over the last couple of months we were together but I'll stick to one - on a night out at his friends' (we rarely socialised with mine) he was off with me on the way to their house. Barely spoke to me and was clearly in a mood. I figured it was about my outfit as we had previously had run ins when he thought I wasn't smart or sexy enough. when we got there I took my shoes off and the two girlfriends of his friends were raving about my shoes and how lovely they were. He brightened up and the six of us had a lovely evening together. When we got in the taxi to leave the first thing he said to me was 'I was so p**sed off on the tube earlier as i hate those jeans and I don't know why you wear them. You could get much nicer jeans than Gap!'

It v quickly got to the point where getting ready to go out involved thinking about what he liked me in and what I could wear to avoid tension between us rather than what I wanted to wear. And I could not live the rest of my life like that - I tested him to see if he realised what he was doing and was he capable of changing. He thoguht it was fine to do as he 'deserved' to be with someone who took care of herself. Clearly all the changes I had already made were not enough and I decided to get out rather than continue to be undermined.

You are on alert now - listen to what he says and how it makes you feel. Test him if you want to see if he could change. But don't stay in a relationship that eats away at your confidence. You were great just as you were when you met him and plenty of other guys will think you're great.

OK, dump this tosser straight away. Classic, classic abusive man. Unfortunately, you may have to put up with some inconvenience and upset for a while, because this type of abuser doesn't always let go easily. Remember that it's perfectly OK to dump someone because you don't want to date that person any more, no matter how that person feels about it. You don't have DC or a shared home with him, so you can just dump him and never have to see him again. If he stalks you, involve the police. Best of luck.

I'm afraid this is a no-brainer: he is making you less confident than you were and he regards you as a school child to be tested on his expectations.

To me, a good relationship is where you can draw strength when the rest of the world gets too much because you know this is the one place where you will not be judged, where you are good enough, where someone is on your side. Don't settle for less- you don't have to. Nobody has to.

I have to echo what everyone else is saying I'm afraid. He doesn't want a relationship with a person, he wants one with an image. He wants a mannequin that he can show off to his friends, one that he can dress up as he pleases to reflect his point of view. What happens if you eventually have children and you put on weight? He clearly has a fucked up idea of the world if he truly believes the "perfect" girlfriend exists.

It's normal to express preferences for how people look but it is not normal to expect a partner to change to suit your preferences. I wear my hair long because I don't mind what kind of haircut I have and I'm aware that my DH loves long hair. However if I did get it cut he wouldn't be put out at all, and he would compliment me on any kind of haircut I have. So I know his preferences and I'm happy to go along with them if it suits me but I don't feel compelled to, if that makes sense. Equally he dresses less like a hobo than he would otherwise as he knows I like him in smart shirts and he's not bothered about what he wears. I would never make him feel bad if he did happen to wear his rags more comfy clothes however, as that is just mean, and not something you do to someone you love.

Get out, fast.

I have my hair very short

I know DH would prefer it long

It's my hair. End of.

AnyFucker: hissy, I want to know, now, how your VFT is doing

Going from strength to strength AF!

Ohh, hissy, glad to hear it

Give it a little talking-to from me

"hi, pretty VFT, how you doin' ?"

summat like that

I think the VFT should have its own thread. It deserves one after what it's been through (or is this a replacement for the murdered plant?).

Well this is one of those threads, isn't it, that newcomers are aghast at because it sounds like a ridiculous progression from "he said he liked nails like this but when I tried it I didn't think it suited me" to "run like feck, and if he stalks you, call the police". However, as hyperbolic as it sounds, this advice is being given by a whole bunch of women who have either been in such a relationship or observed friends or family in them, and it's totally classic in its symptoms. The more leading questions that are asked, the more textbook red flags emerge. Cue scenes from Vertigo, Devil's Advocate, and the really chilling bit near the end of Stepford Wives where the villain is trying to persuade the victim that she should just give in to the inevitable and it'll be all right, when it won't be all right for her because she is going to be murdered and replaced by a robot. No, this guy isn't really going to replace his gf with a robot but... there's still this dehumanising thing going on. She's a live person, not a blank canvas to paint what he wants to see on it.

Bottom line is: it doesn't matter how good a relationship is on paper, if it doesn't make you feel good it isn't right for you.

it's a replacement Annie, the whole root ball was ripped out, all that was left was a hole in the moss and a gaping hole in the compost.

New VFT is not a patch on the old one, but is a much less mature plant. She'll get there... bit like her owner I suppose!

What a shit he was, HH.

ha! Hissy, nice comparison you have going there

Definite red flags.

Frankly, I'd leave now (I say that now, but of course I didn't when it was me). If you need more evidence, try a few tests: when he tries to steer you in a particular direction, just don't do it. No more French manicures or smooth hair (or whatever). Watch what he does. If there are no reproaches, maybe he's not so bad. But I bet there will be some subtle punishment/undermining going on. And if he feels he can punish you now, oh boy, will that get worse later on.

Watch how you feel. Incidents may look small on the surface, but if you find yourself in emotional pain, take it seriously.

Red flags for me too, especially reading your later posts about you 'living up to his high expectations', you losing your friends because he doesn't like them etc.

Even before I read that, I thought the stuff about him commenting on your nails, hair etc was a bit weird. I really doubt my DP knows what a 'french manicure' is, never mind saying he wants me to get one (he probably wouldn't notice if I did!), and can't imagine him making suggestions or having any opinion about how I should do my hair. I'm struggling to explain why, but it would just seem really odd. He might say 'you look nice today', or 'oh you look good in that!', but I'd find it weird to have detailed commentary on my appearance, even if it wasn't criticism.

It probably does seem drastic to say 'leave him' (though understand why people are) - but at least take things slowly, make sure you get the space you need to think about these issues, and don't be rushed into anything like moving in together (or marriage, having a child etc) until you really feel it's what you want. Trust your feelings and instincts here.

my DH would think a French manicure was something kinky to try in bed

I wonder how he'd react if you said to him that you think he could fulfil what you think is perfect if only he would....

I very much doubt he would change for you.

I'd leave, or at the very least cool off him completely and make him come begging for the real you. (You would need to keep doing that forever)

Actually this isn't the beginning of emotional abuse. This has been going on for some time - your hair, friends, confidence. They aren't the same as they were when you met him. The nails have just signalled something to you.
Of course it's not miserable all the time, emotional abusers don't work like that. He wants you to justify his opinion in your head.

OP- you could go through years of this. You will be a shadow of your former self. You will never know how or why he did it. You won't be able to resurrect the person you were, this could change you for the rest of your life. Trust me, if you get away now you will thank yourself in 6 months time.

I know the above for a fact - I'm not called Lazarus for nothing you know.

wow thanks so much for all the replies. Ive taken off the hateful nails and polish and am back to paradoxal (and it feels bloody great) and my hair is as backcombed at the roots to perfection ;)

This is what im doing first and tell me if you think its stupid: I'm going to tell him I feel this way and explain how it makes me feel. Then any suggestion he makes if the future I'm just going to say "no, I prefer it my way thanks, and I dont want to discuss it again" and move into something else. crap idea? Am I being realistic at all?

posters who have been though emotional abuse, can you tell me more situations what happened to you please?

I don't know this paradoxal.... what is it?

Have recently got my nails back to normal paintable condition.... I am loving short and dramatic...